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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

169 replies

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:25

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

OP posts:

Rogerbacon · 21/02/2012 21:27

We had one and she was very good

do it

NellieForbush · 21/02/2012 21:28

YANBU. Its not about him. Do what you think is best for you and your baby.

G1nger · 21/02/2012 21:29

If he's not interested in reading up on things then you have my support. My partner read both books that mattered to me - which is how things should be.

McHappyPants2012 · 21/02/2012 21:31

I would check with the hospital, as most have a strict 2 birth partners only.

But I see it as a waste of money, mw will only medicalise a birth if needed and having a doula will not change that fact.

HoneyandHaycorns · 21/02/2012 21:31

If he has agreed, and it's what you want, go for it.

brandysoakedbitch · 21/02/2012 21:33

But it is his baby too - if he is against it surely it will ruin his experience of his child's arrival in the world? His opinion does matter too. I would not do it but then again I would not have anyone at my birth in addition to Dh and Midwives anyway.

HippyDippyDooDaa · 21/02/2012 21:33

YANBU. It's you who has to give birth! Do what you think is the best for you and your baby. If it makes you feel in control and gives you the best birth experience for you, then that will also be the best birth experience for him.
And the right doola for you will be supportive to him to, not interferring.
Good Luck.

Original poster

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:34

GInger I agree. I would have happily given up the idea if he agreed to read the birth preparation books I have been reading. But he just point blank refuses. It's not that he doesn't want to be a support to me - he really does - he just hates reading and hates anything vaguely out of the ordinary.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 21/02/2012 21:34

My doula was amazing, and though I'd wanted a waterbirth etc etc, I had a prem labour with continuous monitoring, she made it into something I felt more in control of. She did loads of mumbo jumbo with me, though what I appreciated most was having my back rubbed hard for 4 hours .

dementedma · 21/02/2012 21:35

why do you need one? Genuine question btw. what can a doula offer that a combination of medical staff and DH can't?

thirdfromleft · 21/02/2012 21:35

Tell him at least one bloke thinks that if he is so concerned about his role, he should buy a copy of "The Birth Partner" to understand what his role actually is. Whatever makes the experience better for you and the child is the right choice. End of discussion.

shagmundfreud · 21/02/2012 21:35

McHappypants - there's heaps of evidence that doula support is linked to lower rates of c/s and to shorter labours.

OP - YANBU! Good luck with finding the right doula!

GrahamTribe · 21/02/2012 21:36

YANBU to have a doula in the least if that's what you want, it's about you and the baby. I have to admit that I see things from your DHs POV re the books on relaxation techniques and hypnobirthing though. By all means read them yourself of course but he has no need to, it's not him who's giving birth.

balia · 21/02/2012 21:36

Could it possibly be that your DH also found the birth of your (and I use this pronoun in the plural sense) first child very traumatic and terrifying and now feels that encouragement of all things childbirth 'woo' is actually putting your (plural again) child at risk? Perhaps he thinks the medicalised and unpleasant bit was the stuff that actually saved you/the baby?

Just a thought.

OurPlanetNeptune · 21/02/2012 21:37

If he cannot be bothered to educate himself how can he make an informed decision? It is not about him but first and foremost waht is safe for you and your baby and you and what makes you feel comfortable. The best birth partners are the ones who really understand this. I would be extremely reluctant to involve anyone who was not willing to facilitate a relaxing environment.

Original poster

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:38

brandy, that's what's putting me off. His opinions matter to me deeply and I do not want to ruin his birth experience.

Does anyone else think that my opinions don't seem to matter so much to him, given that he won't read my books? That's how it makes me feel.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 21/02/2012 21:38

Have you already met a doula that you get on with? Does your dh not like her? Did he also feel helpless or disregarded during your first birth?

I wanted a doula but the only one I could find who was available at the time was not someone I got on with. If you can find one you really like, see if your dh relaxes once he gets to know her and trusts her.

I don't think it's a waste of money at all - I had a midwife who was excellent in so many ways but it is so difficult trying to build a relationship with someone who you've never met before. I know it's what they're supposed to be good at, but you'd have to be superhuman to click with everybody. having somebody there who I knew, who'd done it before, would have been truly amazing for me.

so I would say go ahead. Of course you will deal with the situation that arises at the time - all you want is to have as much support as you can in the situation.

RitaMorgan · 21/02/2012 21:39

For goodness sake, "his experience" of the birth is irrelevant - the only thing that is important is the mother and baby, the father's role is to support the mother, not to experience anything It's not a spectacle!

If you want a doula, get a doula.

pointythings · 21/02/2012 21:39

IMO everyone in the delivery room has their function:

DH is there to be the panicking expectant father and recipient of serious bruises through having parts of his anatomy squeezed by his DW during contractions.

Midwife is there to manage the medical part.

Doula is there to support the mother to be, make her comfortable, speak up on her behalf if she is finding it difficult to articulate things. She may not be a medical professional, but she will be experienced in supporting women in labour and that can be very valuable.

If you can afford a doula and you feel it might help you to a better birth experience, go for it (and I say this as someone who couldn't, I had two hospital births, one very medicalised the other not, neither traumatic - but have friends who have had it much tougher).

I doubt that the midwife counts in the two birth partner maximum, she is a professional, not a partner.

As for your DH describing 'relaxation techniques' as 'mumbo jumbo', pass him this from me.

shagmundfreud · 21/02/2012 21:39

Meant to add - NICE guidelines on CS say that women should be informed that having a female birth partner reduces the likelihood of a c/s.....!

McHappyPants2012 · 21/02/2012 21:41

Yanbu btw, It is you giving birth not him.

If you feel like you need a doula book one.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 21/02/2012 21:44

I would normally say that you are being a bit U if your DH really doesn't want one, because IMO a DH should be as good, if not better, than a Doula. However, you DH did his chips in by refusing to read anything about it, saying that it's all mumbo jumbo and that you/he will deal with it as it happens. That's not good enough - so therefore you need a doula.

McHappyPants2012 · 21/02/2012 21:44

A doula will be seen as a birth partner and the op may like for example her mum there aswell

CervixWithASmile · 21/02/2012 21:44

I can't believe some of the responses you've got on this thread. I completely understand why you want a doula and also why you'd feel unsupported by your partner.

maddening · 21/02/2012 21:46

book it and book hypnobirthing classes and insist he attends

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