to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

[bushymcbush]

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

he probably thinks and quite rightly so that you are better off with doctors because your birth is risky without having a pointless addition. He is thinking about your baby not himself.

minimischief the OP and others on this thread agree the OP is right to have a doctor there.

How though is a doula a pointless addition to the room? The doula is there as an experienced birth partner, there to support the mother and husband.

I would also dare to suggest the OP is thinking about her baby too being supported by a woman when you're in labour reduces your chance of CS (CS babies are at higher risk of respiratory issues at birth) and decent, informed support can help a woman avoid intervention - forceps look pretty nasty for a baby. And a birth with fewer issues can lead to less chance of PND or PTSD - again, surely a healthy, happy mother can only be a good thing for baby.

Or am I totally wrong, and actually a woman wanting doula support for any reason is only thinking about herself and doesn't give a shit about medical opinion or her DH's 'experience'' because that's the feeling I get from many posts on here

Not sure where the came from, bloody phone!

I think you should book a doula if thats what will make you more secure and feel supported , some people do think alternative childbirth (for want of a better phrase ) is a but mumbo jumboish , so cant see a way of supporting mum , A dula wil be your support , I think you should do it ,

I completely think that you should have a doula. Maybe those posters who disagree haven't had a birth like mine where I had 6 different midwives because it took so long and logistics got in the way...it is impossible for one person you already know to support you adequately for that long on their own. Anyone else present besides your partner can only help you cope with your labour effectively.
I think having a woman there is a great asset and whilst I personally think my mother would be the best additional birthing partner, as mine lives too far away I will definitely be hiring a doula next time.

Op has stated that their is a real risk she might lost this baby at birth due to complications If that is truly the case then really what good will having someone other than the doctors and midwives who can potentially SAVE your babys life do? patting you on the back and telling you there,there is not really going to cut it is it?

I think the complete disregard for the dhs feelings on this thread is appalling btw...

I dont think the OP is disregarding her husband he is disregarding her ideas about child birth she mentioned a few things that he dismissed as rubbish Perhaps having somebody who understands what she is talking about will put her at ease , A doula would not get in the way of drs and midwives if anything happened ,

bellstar a doula can reassure the OP and her DH by explaining things to them at a time when a doctor or MW may be busy. She can explain why a particular course of action suggested by the medical professionals is a good idea if the OP or get DH are unsure and the medical bods are busy - even high risk women have to share a MW or Obs who may be too busy to explain things fully straight away, or the OP may not remember to ask about the risks and benefits of a particular course of action , or she can remind the OP of her wishes if all is going well but the medical professionals are suggesting something the OP doesn't want OR need - it can and does happen. If DH hasn't prepped for hypo birthing and the OP needs help then the doula can help with that rather than
the OP being offered other pain relief because no-one can help her bring control back when it's not really what she wanted

To put a spin on it, what harm can it do for the OP to have an extra supportive voice there for her AND her DH, particularly if things don't go smoothly? Having a friendly face to hand who can explain and advocate for you can make the world of difference in a bad situation.

It's fascinating how many women believe that even when it comes to childbirth men's feelings and opinions count for more.

Your birth, your body, your traumatised vajazzle, your decision.

if he is against it surely it will ruin his experience of his child's arrival in the world?

Wow, I hadn't realised that the OP's potentially traumatic second birth was an "experience" for her DH. Would be a shame to spoil it for the poor little pet, wouldn't it

Jesus, she's getting a vajazzle? That's pretty out there for a birth isn't it?

OP YANBU. It is your body. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable he should be supporting you in.

I just like the word

Vajazzle vajizzle !

bellstar
At what point do you think the DH's opinions should be ignored then ? What if her DH thought that she should have an epidural and she didn't want one ? What if he wanted her to have a VE exam because he wanted to know how far along she was ?

And as for the posters who keep moaning " it's his baby too", birth is not the end. It's a beginning. Unless the worst happens the baby will still be there and if the worst does happen, how is an additional person going to "ruin his experience ?"

Most highly medicalised births have herds of medical professionals in the room, are we really suggesting that one doula is going to be in the way ? The OPs H is the most likely person to get in the way and serve no real purpose

Ohdearnigel-please read the entire thread. Op has said your baby may die-are you really suggesting her dh is the one who ought not to be there? Really?

I can only presume that the op is intending on using a private hospital as if I had suggested during my own high risk pregnancies that I would have a layman/women trying to tell the doctors what to do my consultant would have laughed in my face.

I ahve read the entire thread. Hence me saying "if the worst should happen".

And Bellstar, the fact that you assume that doulas attempt to tell doctors what to do in a high risk birth shows your ignorance on the topic. Doulas support the mother and can also act as an advocate for her. They don't try to tell people what to do.

If you don't know anything about a doula's role in labour I suggest you refrain from advising whether they are a valuable addition to a woman's support team

Bellstar, with respect you really should educate yourself a bit on what a doula does, and the noted positive effect that having one present and part of the birth team has on outcomes.

That's right - OUTCOMES. Not a nice fuzzy feeling and someone else to change the whale music tape.

The bottom line is that if a woman feels supported and calm during labour then the chances of complications and intervention go down. Along with them, risks to the baby go down. If you are relaxed, the labour hormones flow. You have a better chance of dilating efficiently and speedily. This is all GOOD for the baby.

OP is concerned that after last time, she is afraid of having no-one to support her IN THE WAY SHE WISHES TO BE SUPPORTED, the way that she feels will be effective for her. The likely outcome of feeling like that, in the labour room, is a more difficult birth.

Seems to me that OP is thinking about the baby. Her H, by contrast, is thinking of HIMSELF.

His experience.
His ego.
His opinions on the birth he will not be undergoing and his need to have those taken into account, even if they clash with those of the person actually giving birth.

His experience? No, actually. A medical event involving SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY.

Someone (male, I think) upthread said quite plainly that a good birth partner realises that their role is to support the person giving birth in the way the person giving birth thinks is best. That's the crux. If you can't do that, you aren't being a good birth partner. If he can't do that he should stay away, frankly - because, as you keep saying Bellstar, this is about the baby! Getting the baby out in the safest way possible. The safest way possible includes OP feeling as calm and relaxed as she possibly can.

Here's a (bad) analogy. You are set to do a ten-hour drive. Your spouse will be the passenger. Yes, they say, of course I will stay awake and pass you drinks and snacks and will do everything I can to make it easier while you do this arduous journey that I cannot help you with as I don't drive. Great, you say, someone to pass me a sausage roll when I need one. Oh no, says spouse. I don't think they're very healthy. I won't be willing to pass you those, only rice cakes, because that's what I would choose.

Good support, or crap 'support'?

That's where OP is. Get a doula, OP.

I agree with people who say the womans childbirth her decisions TBH partners shouldnt really have a say how they give birth Its not their decision to make or dispute , a womans labour is her business imo ,

Op has somone to advocate for her-her dh surely? As for educating myself-if you feel the need to berate someones education or your perception of their lack off,you have lost the argument imo.

I probably know more about high risk pregnancies and everything that can go wrong than many of you will ever know or want to know-believe me been there,done it,bought the t-shirt.

Yes op should do what she likes-fuck her dh. They only have to live together for the next however many years

She had her DH there to advocate for her last time, but still had a traumatic birth.

This time she is trying to be more mentally prepared and he is refusing to get involved with that.

If I was terrified about a painful and dangerous experience I had no choice but to go through, I would not want my only advocate to be someone who thought "take it as it comes" was sufficient preparation.

Are you really suggesting that the OP go into labour feeling unsupported and scared in case the man who can't be arsed to do what she asks of him punishes her for not doing what he says?

bellstar so is the OP supposed to do it unsupported as she feels he doesnt support her in some ways she wants somebody with a calming influence , her husband is dismissing things she is interested in for her labour , he waves it off as Mumbojumbo and he probably thinks the dula is a part of the mumbo jumbo he was talking about , thats why he doesnt approve that much he hasnt said no just he isnt keen ,

so she isnt being fully supported or doesnt feel it , I called my husband an effing arsehole every day for 7 months because i was so ill in pregnancy and it was ALL his fault , we have been together 20 years , im sure the op and her husband will be fine ,

If the op feels her dh is not being supportive then that is something they can discuss and work on. But I still dont believe it is fair to entirely discount his feelings on the matter.

As for the "mumbo jumbo"-I dont know what it is really. Just know that I knew labour could possibly be "traumatic" but if something did go wrong then I had one of the best doctors in his field in the room with me-and I didnt have to fork out any extra

The op was talking about hypnobirthing and other things he dismissed it , and A doula as fas as im aware isnt just there for labour she works with mum before and after , I think its a good idea if you want to go down that route and TBh yes i think her feelings in this is more important than her husbands , she is scared and had a traumatic experience , we all deal with things differently , she is the one pushing baby out not him ,

Lucky you bellstar, not everyone finds themselves in that position when something goes awry though.

However, seeing as the OP's DH doesn't want to work on it and has to read the books she's asked or by helping with her relaxation techniques then I don't see your suggestion is going to be of much use.