to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

[bushymcbush]

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

That's the point though.

She doesn't feel he is a sufficiently good advocate for her. Based on her prior experience.

Evidence backs this up. Doulas improve outcomes. Female birth partners improve outcomes. Who's likely to be the most effective advocate? A person whose JOB IT IS to know the minutae of what exactly is happening when a person is in labour, a person who is confident and knowledgeable about hospital procedures and who can explain these to the OP in a moment of crisis, when OP might be asked to make a decision? Or a husband who has actually stated that he has little interest in gaining even the most basic understanding of these things?

There are a lot of threads on here about people who went into hospital perfectly happy and confident and came out not only traumatised by their birth experience itself, but also the way they were treated by hospital staff - midwives, ob gyn - it sadly isn't always the case that you won't need a knowledgeable advocate, because they'll always do the right thing. If that were the case, no-one would need an advocate.

Unnecessary interventions. Being left along not knowing what's going on. Being pressured - quite nastily- into agreeing to interventions that benefit the hospital's time frame more than you or your baby. Being bullied by a nasty midwife.

Bottom line - last time, OP's DH didn't cut it. She has the right to maximise her chances of having a good birth, for her and her baby's sake, and to proritise that goal over the ego of her DH.

She's not discounting his feelings on the matter, although he is discounting hers.

But presumably it's fine for him not to take her feelings into account.

After all, what's important is the baby's health and his experience of the birth.

The feelings of the vessel that's been carrying the baby around for 9 months shouldn't trouble him, surely?

Bellstar I apologise if you thought that I was 'berating' your education. I was simply stating that your comments indicated that you had little understanding of what a doula is for. That isn't a slur on you, and I'm not interested in 'winning' an argument. I have little understanding of about one million things, doesn't make me thick, just not familiar with x, y or z. Doulas aren't common knowledge to many many people as far as I can see. More's the pity as its a fantastic way to handle the challenge of birth for both mother and father.

A good birth imo means having a live baby at the end of it-the best people in the room to achieve that are the doctors and midwives who have studied and gone to school for years to gain the know-how.

flisspaps-yes I am very lucky to now have 3 dcs-it was a long hard journey-perhas read my previous comments?. I owe my dcs entirely to the medical team I had around me. I put my trust in them. Perhaps op will put her trust elsewhere

" Perhaps op will put her trust elsewhere"

Wow - nasty bitchiness towards a woman worried about another traumatic birth.

You think you're the expert on this even though you clearly know fuck all apart from what happened to you.

The OP should put her trust where she feels best, and she should be supported in that.

You are insinuating that her wish to use a doula means she doesn't care if get baby dies (not like wonderful you )

You appal me.

Bellstar I have read your previous comments, the 'lucky' was in response to you saying you 'had one of the best doctors in his field in the room with me - and I didnt have to fork out any extra'. Not everyone gets that.

Nowhere has the OP (or anyone saying yes, get a doula) said they don't trust the medical team

The two things are not mutually exclusive. You don't have to have EITHER a fabulous medical team OR a doula - the two things can work brilliantly and both can work with the mother.

Time and time again on this forum (and others) you read stories from women who have been attended by those well-educated doctors and midwives and realise that sometimes, they don't know best despite all of that training, or that sometimes a little explanation from the medical people in attendance would have gone a LONG way to helping a mother or father deal with the trauma of a particular birth.

And yes, I think you'll be hard pushed to find anyone who will say that having a live baby at the end of the birth is not the most important thing - of course it is - but it isn't the only important thing.

Trauma? ffs

And yes imo having a live baby at the end of the birth is THE only important thing-nothing trumps that. And of course I speak from my own experience-whose else would I speak from?-what a nonsensical comment.

I appall you?-you clearly dont get out much. I certainly was not suggesting that the op didnt care about her baby-I am afraid your own frothing led you to that conclusion.

I am not dismissing it. In the same way I am not dismissing her dhs feelings on the matter-as I happen to think they count too. A female birth partner-well that could be your mother/sister/aunty/pal/stranger off the street. So whats the difference?-oh yeah..they wouldnt charge you for the pleasure

It's mind-bogglingly clear that Bellstar doesn't know what a doula is or what she does (despite all the info given on this thread).

You think that a man's feelings that he can't be arsed to read a book is more important than a pregnant woman's need for support during her labour - yes, you appal me with your small-minded viciousness.

And it's pretty clear to me that you mean every single one of your little passive aggressive digs about how wonderful you were and how wrong the OP is not to just do what you did.

Little sneers at another woman's trauma, insistence that a woman's feelings don't count for anything as long as the baby is born alive.

Vile, ugliness barely disguised as concern.

As I said before, my doula was incredibly supportive of my husband. She viewed us as a team. She didn't see him as a useless appendage or anything like that.

That said, I agree 100% with the people who have been pointing out that the ultimate decisions about birth rest with the mother. The day the husband pushes a baby out of his vagina is the day he can say whether he wants a doula or not.

These binary either-or oppositions are utter rubbish. Husband OR doula? Trained medical staff OR doula? I am an educated woman who loves my husband and wanted my baby to have the best care that Western medicine could offer, AND I chose a doula. End of story.

No one posting negative stuff about doulas on this thread seems actually to have used one (the one negative was from the person who said she wished her doula had arrived earlier).

Bellstar, my friend's low risk birth ended up in a dead baby, entirely due to the neglect of the "highly trained medical staff".

Can i please remind you ladies that bellstar has lost babies so her opinions are going to be skewed. So for those of you piling on the vitriol, thank the good lord that your opinions on this matter haven't been clouded in such a way.

Surely everyone is entitled to support in childbirth, from their partner or family member or friend, the professional support should come from the midwives and doctors, i think its a bit sad that women are having to pay because they aren't feeling supported enough actually. What about the women who can't afford this luxury, because it absolutely is a luxury.

FWIW my partner is very squeamish and never read so much as a leaflet about the birth, but that did not mean he was unsupportive, he ws an absolute star in my labour, apart from some highly inappropriate "go on girl" type encouragement at the end , he was throuroughly supportive. My birth wasn't straight forward so i had, two midwives, a doctor and paediatrician im not sure there would have been ROOM for a doula even if i had one. The midwives were great and i looked to them for information and what to do and when to do it, my DP for encouragement and support. My birth experience wasn't brilliant, my DD was getting distressed and the twat doctor didn't help by telling me it was "too late" for ceaser, all i was absolutely interested in was a live baby at the end of it all. "is she alive" was the first thing i said. Having a doula there wouldn't have helped i dont think, i think i would have probably focused my frustrations on the poor mare. Instead, twat doctor got it with both barrels

Saying that, my cousin is a doula (and i STILL dont really know what they do) and her "training" is as a HCA at a birthing centre. She is very good at it apparently, and it is quite in demand so women must find it beneficial. So my advice to the OP would be to go ahead and book the doula but maybe involve your DH in selecting her so he understands her role, that he LIKEs her, as you will need to too.

The difference between your DH/Mum/sister and a doula is that your family have an emotional attachment to you which means that it is difficult to keep calm, rational and objective when things go wrong. They are also in an alien environment and may be easily cowed by a MW who tells them that a VE must be done because this is what we do. They may also have differences in opinion to the woman in labour about how they think things should go.

A doula is in her working environment of which she has a great deal of experience, has no such emotional attachment to her client and is not so easily confused or frightened into compliance. She does not bring her emotional baggage with her or attempt to impose her views on her client.

I appreciate that Bellstar has had a horrible time and she has my every sympathy. However that does not give her the right to dismiss something that another woman really wants as "middle class wank" and to try and take the moral high ground

What I seem to have learned from this thread is this:

That the 'experience' of the DH is important and that his opinion must be taken into account at the expense of the mother's in order to prevent him from feeling he has been usurped, despite it not being him that actually has to go through the physical process of birth.

HOWEVER

The mother's experience is completely irrelevant because the only important thing is a live baby.

I really just thought this was what the midwife was for though.

The partner's opinion is relevant though, but the OPs husband has agreed to the doula despite his reservations, whats the problem? Should he pretend to be enthused about it?

What is imporant is a live, healthy baby, and of course a mother who feels in control of her labour and is healthy too. Relaxed? in labour? oh! Thats where i went wrong, i didnt relax, i was in agony! :) Ultimately, a live baby is THE most important thing, that doesnt mean the mothers experience isnt relavant, any more than the partner's experience. I actually felt sorry for my DP when i was having DD, i was experiencing it, feeling the pains so i had control over what ws happening to a degree, i could feel the urge to push etc it was me having to do it after all. All my poor DP could do was helplessly watch and encourage and when things started to go a bit awry he just looked terrified, whilst while i was petrified, i at least had something to "do" if that makes sense.

True, Flisspaps, ah, the irony...

Desperate, it's true that a doula is a luxury, and it's a real shame every woman can't have one. In an ideal world, the midwives would be able to provide all the support a woman needs, medical and psychological, but the truth is that hospitals are often understaffed and many women don't get continuous support during labour from their midwives. In my experience of hospital birth, the staff were brilliant when it came to the medical aspect of things, but they were crap at hand-holding and the psychological aspects of labour and birth, purely because they were understaffed. This is a shame because actual scientific studies (referred to above) repeatedly show that a woman's labour has a better MEDICAL outcome when a trained person is there to offer continuous psychological support. Mind and body really are directly connected.

So your birth experience is dictated by the size of your bank balance then :(

If you go to a private hospital to have your baby, would you still need a doula or would there be adequate support, ruling out the need for a doula?

Seems to me that doula's are an obvious benefit and should be provided by the NHS, ahhhh if only. Seriously, if there is so much evidence that this results in better outcomes then maybe there should be some investment in this area. And yes, i know it is as likely as hell freezing over, but in an ideal world....

marfisa, sorry, my post reads back as a bit sarcastic, i was actually echoing your sentiments as i totally agree with you.

Could someone point me to the bit where the OP says
"I don't give a shit what happens to the baby, all I am interested in is my own desire for a doula"

Oh yeah, she doesn't