to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

[bushymcbush]

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

Dabdab, he does indeed feel usurped. How can I show him (without making him read anything ) that I want him too - that her role will be different to his?

I can see that the father's experience matters, but surely his experience will depend on the mother's? If.the.OP is having a stressful time without a doula and her partner is unprepared again, then she'll be stressed, unhappy with him & this will lead directly to him having a shit birth experience too?

Therefore OP it's in everyone's best interests - especially your baby's! -that you are as relaxed and confident going into this as possible. So get whatever you think you need.

I have a genuine question here. If a mother is in the situation that you describe, bushymcbush, would a doula really intervene like that? Sure, she'd be calm and more rational than a labouring woman in pain (I know where you're coming from there as I've had a similar stirrups, not in any way able to think to say get these damn things off me birth) but I'm surprised that she would suggest things which would override the doctors' orders or, to an extent, that they might take well to someone else who was not on their staff suggesting that they should or shouldn't carry out a particular action though I do understand that they would have to, say, remove stirrups if you insisted upon it.

I am in a similar position to you, had EMCS last time round, will be having VBAC soon (due date on Monday). DH found it very difficult to stick up for my wishes during last birth as midwives didn't listen to him (because he is a man, in their own words ).

We discussed having a doula, but he was not comfortable with having a complete stranger at our birth and also like your DH didn't want to feel pushed out or bossed around.

As a compromise I asked his sister to be present as I feel a female presence would be helpful to me and him. We also read through my birth plan together so that he is clear about my wishes for the birth. Other than that we have not read anything else, although I have explained the reasons behind some of my birth plan choices.

Are there any female family members or friends that both you and your DH would feel comfortable having at the birth?

Bushy, I'm with others in saying if he is GENUINELY supportive of you, he will acknowledge that if you need and want a Doula present, he will have to put his wishes to one side. It has to be your call because YOU are the one giving birth.

For the sake of argument, a woman wanted to have just gas and air for pain relief, but her husband really, really thought she should have an epidural, maybe because he says he's worried she'll be too distressed without it. Surely his wishes should never override hers (unless there is a clinical reason, and that would be coming from the midwife or doc, not the DH.) Surely this isn't any different.

You shouldn't be in a position of having to put your time, energy and emotional strength into convincing him of something because he's got the hump about it. Seriously, he should demonstrate his love and care for you by first off acknowledging that YOU need to call the shots to make the birth the best experience you can (and that will benefit the baby, too.) If he feels uneasy about something you want, then HE needs to take it upon himself to find out more, to understand what it's about. If his concerns are related to the last birth being a not so good experience, then HE has to take the initiative and work through those feelings himself, not expect you to cajole him or stomp his feet and expect you to let him have his way. Even if he's done the research and still isn't convinced, sorry, but I think he has to bite his tongue and accept that if you feel strongly about it, he's got to go with it.

Sorry, but it's sounding like he's perhaps got his nose out of joint a bit on this one and you certainly don't need a sulking DH when you've both got a huge challenge coming up. It's not the time for mind games or a battle of wills.

GrahamTribe, she would be the mother's advocate in a situation where the mother might not feel like she was being heard or able to ask the questions she might want to in a more rational state of mind.

It's better if the doctors 'take well' to the doula but not the be all and end all. Frankly a doctor that doesn't like being questioned is exactly the one you should question the most! At the end of the day the mother is the boss as it's her body and baby and everyone else is purely advisory. A good doula can help to ensure that everyone remembers that.

Book a doula, I had one birth/pn and she honestly changed my birth experience for the better and was a big help after! I have trained to become one......someday, hopefully brewing dc4 right now.

Thank you Cervix. That's very much what I would like to have happen with all births, no matter what the mother chooses in terms of support or techniques. I very much felt the opposite when I had my first child and feel strongly about a person's right to say what goes on with their body in any medical situation.

Graham, I agree, it should be the case, doula or no doula. Sad that it's sometimes not.

A doula though will have no more say than you or your DH has if labour becomes mediacalised, she is only there to give you moral not medical support. I love the idea of having a female who knows what you are going through to support your emotional needs but unfortnately labours take a different path sometimes

Is this more about what you want this time round - you say that he is reluctant but you don't say that he is unable or not wanting to participate in the birth ....maybe he is feeling unwanted or displaced by your request for someone else to take his place - has he actually said that he does'nt want to be at the birth?

I think you need to say to your dh that you need more support with this birth and you would be comfortable either with him reading up about hypnobirthing etc or with a doula and you would like him to decide.
If he has not read the book in 1 week then book the doula. Its great to consider his feelings but he doesn't seem to be considering yours to the same degree.
FWIW, I did hypnobirthing classes and then had to be induced so things didn't go to plan. I managed to get to 10cm dilated with just my tens machine and without my husband there up on the prenatal ward - twas rather a rush down to the labour ward when they realised and had to phone my dh! My point being that you may surprise yourself with how little support you do need when the time comes but it is almost as important to have the support in the lead up to the birth.

Quite frankly I can't believe your husband's attitude- you had a bad experience the first time round, you've told him but he doesn't seem to care?

Tell him to grow up and deal with it! Giving birth is the hardest and most painful thing you could do. It can potentially be one of the most traumatic too. If you need a doula to help you with it, go for it!
And he himself admits he'll just see what happens when it does, what's wrong with a doula giving you both some direction? It's not like he knows what to do anyway.

By the way I am quite shocked at all the posts asking you to be less selfish and consider poor hubby's feelings- it's his birth too etc.
You're the one giving birth, not him, and he hasn't exacty considered your feelings.

Completely agree with you anon. OP, get the doula.

The Doula sounds like a great solution. She in no way replaces/usurps DH (unless she's a crap doula), she supports you in addition to him. He doesn't sound like he plans to give you much practical support, just go-with-the-flow if the poo hits the fan again. Having the doula there will mean he can focus all his attention on you and as soon as it arrives DC2, while the doula keeps tabs on the nitty gritty.
Birth can be so blinkin' unpredictable, there's a lot of pressure on the birth partner to get everything else right while the mother concentrates on the actual birthing bit. I know several mums who said their DPs flaked out on them, and it had a really negative impact on their birth. The Doula will be your advocate with the full courage of her convictions, whereas DPs tend not to know when to ask/what to ask/if there are choices/etc and will are easily steamrollered by medical staff. Maybe ask your DH "What would you ask in situation? And this one? And how about this one?" and see how quickly he can react, the Doula will basically take the pressure off him, and of course will refer to him as necessary anyway if any decisions need to be made. He has to be happy with her by the time you go in tho, so he needs to spend more time with her to get comfortable with the whole thing. She also needs to understand his reluctance, and then will be careful not to tread on his toes.

I didn't book one when I really wanted to cos my DH was insulted - I wish I had had one and if I have another child I definitely will. It's not that my hubby wasn't useful, it was more that he was as freaked out as I was about the whole thing and it would have been great to have someone there that I knew and could rely on and who had seen it all before. It's your decision - he's not the one pushing a baby out!

Get the doula.

Husband's birthing experience my arse. The husband's role is to support his partner/wife as she brings their baby into this world. If she's had a traumatic birth previously, then he should be supporting whatever needs she has without worrying whether they will tread on his poor little toes. I'm all for hands-on husbands during labour but the comfort and well-being of the mother precedes any preference of the father IMO.

Bushy - as you know from the April antenatal thread I'm in the US so things are a bit different here when it comes to giving birth and doulas seem to be more common than in the UK.

My DH wasn't convinced at all about hiring a doula up until this last weekend when he heard a couple who just had their baby talk about how great it was to have a doula and the Dad especially was glowing about it.

I've always been pretty convinced of the benefits of a doula but it definitely helped my DH to hear another Dad's perspective on it and now he's all for it and we've just this evening hired one. Do you know anyone who's hired one that your DH can talk to?

For us it was several things that meant we want to hire her: support at home so we spend less time in the hospital; support for DH to help him help me (definitely not usurp him); another voice who can help us with any decisions about interventions that might be suggested.

When your DH and you meet with the doula hopefully she'll be able to reassure him of his role in the birth and how she'll help both of you.

OP, do hire the doula, if that's what your instincts say and if you've found someone you like and trust. It will be a help to your husband as well as to you, and I've never heard of a doula 'usurping' the father's role.

I'm more concerned about what you say about him refusing to read up on birth and try some of the techniques you want to explore. We are expecting our first baby in a few weeks, and I know that deep down my lovely partner thinks hypnobirthing is well-meaning but naive hippy schtik, but he has entered into all the classes whole-heartedly and does the relaxation scripts with me daily, because he sees that I find it soothing and empowering.

VintageNancy - so glad you've convinced your dh to hire a doula. I don't think I do know any men who have had the advantage of one, but it's a good suggestion and I will look out for someone. On the other hand, I don't want dh to feel pushed and pushed - I have his tentative agreement at the moment. Perhaps I should just take that and run with it! Not risk a change of mind by bombarding him about it.

Hardcheese - I know what you mean about his lack of reading up being more of a concern. It's the aspect of all of this that most makes me want to crumple up inside. Thing is, he really does seem to have a mental block when it comes to reading actual books (the Internet doesn't seem to have the same effect unless it's something he's not interested in). He also hates anything he perceives as slightly 'out there' or anything to do with self help, etc.

Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely bloke and he does want the best for me but he really has put up a mental barrier against a) books and b) self-help techniques.

I just wish he could see past his own prejudices and try to support me through this birth how I want to be supported

Hi, I had a similar issue last time, had hoped for home birth but had to be induced. I had an IM and it made a massive difference to me.

Some people are more medical in outlook, some more natural. Nothing wrong with either approach as long as not overly dogmatic. There are three types of birth IMO - ones which will always be 'natural', ones which will always be 'medical' due to necessity, and ones where it could go either way. If you fall into that last category, a doula could help you make good choices which help you. For example, a MW will advise an intervention after a fixed time period, a doula may say 'what would happen if we leave it just an extra 20 minutes' - the answer to that question will help you make good decisions.

Your DH is not really being a good birth partner as he is not supporting you so I would say you need a genuine support.

Also as others said NICE themselves have proof that a female birth partner can (in absence of genuine medical need) help you avoid interventions.

I think if you believe a doula will help YOU, ultimately it will help your DH too as he is probably very worried you'll have a bad time. Good luck whatever you decide!

I had an amazing doula and would highly recommend it if you can find one you like. I interviewed three and knew immediately whether I'd want them at my birth or not. However, your partner does need to be as on board as possible, you don't want to be worrying about what he thinks of the doula as you'll have enough to think about! Ideally I'd say he should meet the doula/s before you select one and book. My partner wasn't totally convinced by the doula but went with it because it was what I wanted after a very difficult previous birth. Afterwards he said he found it a relief to have her there to share the responsibility of supporting me.

Some posters have questioned what a doula would add to hospital staff and your partner. I would say that a doula brings a lot of experience of birth (which of course a midwife has) but more importantly a close knowledge of you, your past birth experience, your pregnancy and what you want from this birth experience. Unless you have one on one midwifery care (not sure if this still exists in the NHS!) you will not have a midwife with you who has this level of knowledge about your particular situation. It is likely that the midwife/midwives looking after you will have other women to care for and will not be with you all the timem a doula will. My doula was invaluable at suggesting things to help with the birth, such as different positions etc, when in labour I was not able to ask for these things myself and my partner was not confident enough with medical staff to ask on my behalf. As you are looking into a doula you will know all this already!

If you need a recommendation for a London based doula PM me!

I think when it comes to delivering a baby, his opinion there and then is just an opinion. He hasn't read anything, hasn't had a baby, will never deliver a baby, doesn't understand the trauma of the first delivery

This guy sounds quite reasonable actually and generally supoortive to the OP, and it just seems as if this not reading thing is whats getting to her. How can anyone say that he "doesnt understand the trauma" of the 1st delivery - if it was that traumatic for the OP Im reasonably sure her DH would have found it traumatic to - I know my DH did for DS3s birth which ended up in an EMCS, and then DS3 still needing forceps to be born and resusicated after birth to. Through talking about it together afterwards I understood how frightened and helpless he felt seeing me in pain and notworrying if DS3 would be allright.

OP - if the doula would help you, book her but I can totally understand your feelings that your DH might feel unwanted, useless etc which of course is not the case. You seem a lot more reasonable that some of the posts declaring his experience is not relevant.