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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

169 replies

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:25

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

OP posts:

lurkingaround · 21/02/2012 21:47

God I think a doula is a fantastic idea. If you can afford it, why not. As someone else said here, and with all due respect to your DH, it really is your experience. Esp since he doesn't even want to read your books. A woman who's experienced and been thru this and is not part of the medical team, sounds fantastic. I would have loved one. Fantastic idea. Why would you hesitate. Go for it.

G1nger · 21/02/2012 21:47

Can I just recommend, btw, a book called Birth Skills by Juju Sundin. It's amazing (a dull read but amazing).

Original poster

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:48

We have met a Doula we like. In fact, meeting her made him more receptive to the idea than he was previous to meeting her. But he's still not really on board.

To whoever said he has no need to read up on the techniques I want to use ... how is he supposed to be an effective birth partner? What if I forget all my techniques in the throws of transition? Who will remind me what I can do to cope?

In my mind, either he reads these books OR we have a Doula. I need someone who understands exactly what I'm trying to achieve.

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 21/02/2012 21:49

My first reaction would be that his opinion matters too, and if he is strongly against it then you shouldn't do it. But if he's not prepared to do the other things that you feel would help you, then he forfeits his right to influence your descison.

Get the doula.

Original poster

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:50

I would dearly love my mum as a second birth partner and she would have been my first choice, but unfortunately she died long before I started having my babies.

OP posts:

dementedma · 21/02/2012 21:51

have these doulas had children of their own? do they know what it actually feels like?
Why feel the need to have this extra person who is in no way related to you or your baby, medically trained, or able to do anything your DH can't do? Seems a load of pretentious twaddle to me. I have had 3 without doulas, and lived to tell the tale. If your DH is already uncomfortable about the idea of being superceded by this doula, then just going ahead with it regardless is not terribly helpful. It is his child, his experience of the birth is not "irrelevant". that is a dreadful thing to say!

EdlessAllenPoe · 21/02/2012 21:53

he is not equipped to play the role of doula. it is not in his experience - why would he even want to place himself in the position where you might need/want his support to deal with a tough call when he doesn't have the right knowledge and experience to do so? why won't he let you hire someone to fulfil that role and let him stick to the hand holding bit?
as already said, having a doula there does make (on a statistical level) a difference. it also makes you less likely to feel traumatised again..
his experience - if he wants to have a good experience, he needs to help you have one. that means helping you, paying attention to your needs, listening to you....he's not doing that. A doula would also keep him aware of what was going on, which hospital staff can't be relied upon to do.

he probably thinks it is you thinking him 'inadequate' but i don't think it is any criticism of a DH to say they can't step into a role best fulfilled by someone with the right knowledge, training and experience.

RitaMorgan · 21/02/2012 21:54

Typically doulas have had children themselves.

Of course the father's experience is irrelevant. If he won't be helpful, don't have him there.

NorthernNumpty · 21/02/2012 21:55

IME my doula was money well spent even thought my natural drug free childbirth went out of the window due to crash emcs. I felt immediately more in control just booking her. Although it was first child DH was not into reading anything either, I felt I needed that extra experience/second opinion on things. When it all went tits up she was so calm and reassuring.

if you can afford it and you feel you want more 'control' over what happens I say book one. DH was not really enamoured by the idea but in meeting her realised she was not some 'hippy dippy' type.

Good luck OP

GrahamTribe · 21/02/2012 21:59

It was me who made the remark about the books bushy. I'm sorry if it offended or troubled you. I'm just of a similar opinion to your DH and would wonder if he might feel less "in touch" with you and the birth if he was somehow coerced into that side of it and worry that he would be less supportive if what he calls involvement in mumbo jumbo was required of him. I guess I'm thinking along the lines of "don't push it upon him or you might push him away and that may inadvertantly make the situation harder for you both to agree on, concentrate on the bigger issue of getting his understanding of and support for having a doula." I'm trying to stand in his shoes and see it from where he is but I'm not putting this very well and will completely understand if you floor me.

squishysquashy · 21/02/2012 22:01

We had a doula, home birth, DH didn't have any issues with that but it was definitely my decision.

DH was a good birth partner but I think he was much better for having the doula there. She reminded him and suggested things for him to do, she calmed his nerves I think. She also calmed me down when I got a bit shirty with him (e.g. he 'couldn't find' things I had packed in the hospital bag, typical). She held my hand while I was contracting, e.g. when he was getting me food and water or getting the midwives tea, and she gave me back massage.

He flaked out and had to have a nap (!) as he'd been up all night so she was with me then and got him up when he needed to wake up just before the second stage (he was extremely grateful for the nap as he's terrible with poor sleep). She talked to the midwives about various bits and pieces to sort out while we were awestruck with our new baby. She gave me breastfeeding advice.

She told me afterwards that she'd 'given the midwives some feedback' as she had felt they had been a bit rough with me at times. I said to her that I had really appreciated the support and caring side of it from her but I assumed if she hadn't been there the midwives would have talked to me more and done that. She said she doubted it. She was an ex-midwife!

NellieForbush · 21/02/2012 22:03

The baby is yours (plural). The birth is yours(singular). Lots of people give birth without a doula but obviously that is totally and utterly irrelevant as we are discussing what would make you feel more confident.

Anyone who does not want to facilitate you in a positive, safe birth experience really shouldn't be there. Are you sure he wants to be?

NellieForbush · 21/02/2012 22:08

OP, you don't have to sell this idea to him. He really needs to get on board with your plans. His needs are not paramount here.

Marilyn1980 · 21/02/2012 22:10

I'm sorry, she may be the person giving birth but to say that his experience is not important is disgusting. The husband at any traumatic birth is at risk of postnatal depression and post traumatic stress disorder just as the mum is. The main factor is a perceived life threatening risk to you or someone you love.

Sounds to me that even if he is unhappy he is supporting your wishes to have a doula there. IME doulas are so helpful, but you should really get to know her beforehand, there is an element of trust needed. Most of them are fully aware when something is being done because it will save your life or the baby's.

pollyblue · 21/02/2012 22:19

I did a hypnobirthing course - with DH - when pregnant with DD1. I ended up having an emergency section, and the anaethetist said I was the calmest woman he'd met in such circumstances, so it must have done some good!

Seriously, it's considered pretty imporant that your birth partner atends the course too, and reads relevant literature, so they can be fully aware of the relaxation techniques used, and help you.

You've given him a choice - doula or hypno course/reading. I'm puzzled that he can't agree to one, as you've made it clear how important it is to you. And if his concern is that he'd be pushed to one side with a doula involved, why won't he consider the hypno option, as that would mean his involvement would be crucial?

PatFenis · 21/02/2012 22:20

OP do you not have a close female friend or relative who could be helpful to you during labour?

A doula is a great idea but at this late stage of pregnancy you are surely not going to able to get to know her well enough to feel comfortable enough with her any more than any midwife during your labour.

I'm not sure that I would be any happier or unhappier to give birth with a doula that I didn't know as opposed to a midwife who might be just as supportive.

Good luck whatever your decision - and have a wonderful, happy labour this time x

Flisspaps · 21/02/2012 22:23

I absolutely think that you should get one if he's not prepared to support you appropriately and that's what you want.

Even as the father of the child being born, being present at the birth is a privilege, not a right - whether people like that or not, it's a fact. You need someone with you who is going to be there for you and is going to be helpful to you.

If he can't be bothered to read up on things or to at least try to help you with your relaxation techniques then I don't see why you shouldn't have a doula. Perhaps you should tell him if he's not prepared to do what you (not anyone else on this thread, who may or may not have had a doula or who may or may not have had a very helpful DH) need him to do then he may as well not be there because as an unsupportive person in the room he'll probably do more harm than good.

Forrestgump · 21/02/2012 22:34

Wow ..I am obviously the minority here, but I can't believe that it's acceptable to go over your husbands opinion, how can anyone say dad with regard to the birth is irrelevant?

This baby is both your baby.

I feel really sorry for you both, as you don't seem to understand each other at all!

Fecklessdizzy · 21/02/2012 22:41

Er ... I'm going to sound like a total div now, What's a doula?

GrahamTribe · 21/02/2012 22:43

Flisspaps, there's no reason to believe that just because the DH is uncomfortable about a particular theory or a doula, whether rightly or wrongly, that he will be unsupportive to the OP.

featherbag · 21/02/2012 22:45

Totally don't understand the folk who think the father has 'rights' regarding 'his' birth 'experience' - WTAF?! The father's job is whatever the labouring woman says it is, end of. When men can push a watermelon out of their arse for the continuation of the species, then they get a say.

I personally wouldn't have a doula or any other vaguely 'woo' childbirthy things, after the last birth I want a tranquil planned ELCS (I do have good sound medical reasons before anyone thumps me!), but YANBU as, frankly, if you thought having a children's entertainer dressed as Mr Blobby in the room would make things easier for you I'd say you should have it!

lurkingaround · 21/02/2012 22:46

I think when it comes to delivering a baby, his opinion there and then is just an opinion. He hasn't read anything, hasn't had a baby, will never deliver a baby, doesn't understand the trauma of the first delivery, is unwilling to inform himself about the process......so yes, I think it's acceptable to meet your own needs before your partner's right now. He's not so bothered right now about op's needs.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2012 22:48

Do you think your husband would be happier if he was at home with your first child, rather than with you in hospital? It might be better all round if he did that and then you could have a doula to support you. I don't really see the point in them both being there. The fact is some men really aren't cut out to be birth partners, but can make great fathers.

Original poster

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 22:51

Flisspaps he is not unsupportive - he was a wonderful support during my first labour, despite having read nothing that time either. But when the shit hit the fan in the second stage, he was as helpless and clueless as I was, and it never ocurred to either of us to say "Erm, Nice Mr Doctor, do you think we could get off my back and out of these stirrups if you really need me to push this baby out now please?" when I was in what was, for me, the worst position I could imagine being in for giving birth. But when youve just been transferred from one hospital to another and have a host of new medical staff looking after you, you don't know the new midwife's name and doctors you've never seen before are sitting between your knees barking orders at you, all rational calm thoughts fly out of the window, for the mother and her DH. That's why I want a doula this time. Not to replace him, but to be the calm, rational, well read, experienced, ever present advocate for both of us.

OP posts:

dabdab · 21/02/2012 22:51

Maybe your partner feels a bit insecure in his position and feels that he might be 'usurped' by the doula. I wonder if he feels that it is a very personal thing and doesn't want a 'stranger' there ( I know that obv there will be all sorts of medical staff, but they are different somehow as they are viewed as essential and non-optional). Somehow it feels like an emotional thing. (But I do think you should have a doula if you want one!)

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