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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

169 replies

bushymcbush · 21/02/2012 21:25

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises" Hmm

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

OP posts:
Confuseddd · 23/02/2012 19:56

I had a doula with my second birth and she really helped the birth to go well. My first and second births were like night and day. Not everyone will understand the need, but sometimes in marriage you have to trust your spouse to do what they think is right even if you don't understand what they are doing. Doesn't your DH owe you that in this situation.

NellieForbush · 23/02/2012 20:45

AIBU to aim for a normal birth when my husband wants me to have an elcs? He thinks it may be distressing and that the safety/security of surgery would improve his experience.

Go on, someone tell me to stop being selfish...

CervixWithASmile · 23/02/2012 20:52

Bellstar, I'm so sorry about your previous experiences, but the rest of what you're saying is, frankly, bollocks.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 21:24

Please do not feel the need to soften the insult with platitudes-I assure you it is really not nessacary.

I didnt post about my own experiences looking for sympathy-merely to illustrate my point that imo a live baby is the ultimate aim in any labour-how we get there and the mothers "experience" is all surplus to that imo.

Wasnt looking for anyone to agree with me or not.

FutureNannyOgg · 23/02/2012 21:48

I don't think anyone here is trying to say a live baby isn't important, of course it is. But if you could have a live baby (more likely with a smooth birth) and a relaxed and happy mother, then why not have both, it's not an either/or choice.

Someone upthread asked what the job description of a doula is. It's a really tough question, because there is lots of things, usually people describe it in vague terms (providing practical and emotional support) or in terms of what they don't do (give medical advice or perform medical procedures).
To give you a rough idea... Before the birth, doula visits parents for at least 2 long sessions, but possibly more, and will be available for phone support. They will discuss birth plans (although doulas won't give advice, they can give information, so if the parents want to know about say, why delayed cord clamping might be a good plan, or the risks of induction, she should be able to provide the information, or a source for the information). In the ante natal visit the doula will discuss the mother's previous birth experiences and expectations, help her debrief traumatic births etc. They might talk about breathing techniques, might teach DH useful massage techniques. Some are also qualified in complementary therapies. Ultimately they are there to support your choices, so if you want a basic hospital birth, that's great, if you want to give birth in a yurt to the sound of tibetan bells, then that's great too. There is no judgement.

During the birth the doula is there to support both the parents. She won't tell anyone what to do, but she can advocate via the birth plan, someone mentioned a woman in stirrups upthread, the doula could explain the the medical team that the mother wanted to birth in a particular position, and ask if her wishes could be accommodated. Doulas usually know the local midwives and are, as someone said, in their "workplace" so are less likely to get swept up in things and forget the mother's wishes, or be shy about asking. Doulas are experts at keeping the "bubble" around a woman, so she can focus on birthing without distraction and the stress it causes. They can remind DH about how he can support the mum. They can also "translate" and explain what is happening if things go "off plan". A doula will not leave her client during labour to change shifts, she is there for the duration. Ultimately there is good medical evidence that shows the presence of a doula improves the health of mother and baby.

Postnatally doulas help mums get used to looking after baby, help with older siblings, they might cook meals, run the hoover around, or look after baby so mum can have a shower. Different doulas will offer different services, but generally, it's like having a female relative helping, but one who will support all your choices Wink

There has been talk of cost here too, so it should be said, mentored doulas, who are newly qualified are much cheaper, and if you are on a lower income, Doula UK have an access fund to subsidise the cost of your doula.

Hopefully that clears up some questions.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 21:55

That is very intersting about there being financial help available if you want a doula but arent middle class enough to afford one

Thank you for posting that.

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 22:17

FuturenannyOgg, thanks for that, very informative. You say a doula provides information etc but cant advise. Can translate medical speak etc. It all sounds good, so a midwife has to do a three year degree to become a midwife. How long does a doula have to train for or are they self taught and just set up?

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 22:18

My cousin is a Doula, i didnt realise until someone told me lately, but it would seem she does this on top of her work as an HCA in a birth unit and has had no formal training. She does have years of experience though and i could be wrong that she hasnt had training, but i dont think she has.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 22:25

What is a HCA? and a doula doest require some form of degree or qualification-can that be right?

FutureNannyOgg · 23/02/2012 22:27

It depends desperate, there is no restriction on calling oneself a doula, which is why it is usually advisable to go through Doula UK. To be recognised by them you have to have attended an approved course, they vary but the core curriculum has to be covered, most courses insist that you have to have had children yourself, but may make exceptions if you have previous experience, or training supporting mums to be in other capacities (like a perinatal yoga teacher, or acupuncturist). Then the doula finds a mentor from DUK, who will support them through at least 4 births. They will usually be doing lots of research themselves, as well as attending birth groups, bf groups, finding info for clients etc. When the mentor thinks they are ready, then they become a Recognised doula.
One thing about doulaing though, is it is really hard to put your finger on what makes a good doula, it's not really about having the qualifications, or even what they "do", it's about being the sort of person that people can trust, who can make them feel more confident and calm just by being there. This is why you should interview potential doulas, not just look for a good CV.

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 22:31

Health care assistant. She is actually very good and was there when i had my DD back at the birth centre for a week to establish my BF. I hadnt seen her in years and she didnt even know i was pregnant, her face was a picture as i already had a 15y old DD Grin. I can imagine that she would be brilliant as a doula but im not sure she has had any formal "doula" training. She will have probably had training to work as HCA and has over twenty years experience so is the ideal person for the job I would say.

Just wondered if i could set myself up as one? [joke]

Flisspaps · 23/02/2012 22:32

HCA is Health Care Assistant.

All Doula UK doulas have taken a Doula UK approved course and are either being mentored (i.e. new doulas working towards 'recognition') or are Recognised Doula UK doulas - not all doulas are registered with Doula UK, but then it would be down to the individual mother to make sure that she chose one who had either training or experience.

The role of the doula isn't to replace the midwife - it is to complement it if the mother decides that's what she wants or needs. They offer the practical and emotional support, the midwife provides the medical support.

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 22:36

So do they help mums with BF Future? That was what was so very lacking for me at the hospital when I had DD. I was extremely fortunate as there was a spare bed at the birthing centre and i got loads of help from the midwives when i was there, for a whole week!!! They were amazing, as was my cousin (HCA) - they even let DP stay and pushed the beds together so we could snuggle. I was very lucky that it was a quiet week else i would have had to leave. I suppose if i had a doula i could have got all of this help at home? Could never afford it though and im not sure it would have been for me. AND i aint having any more kids, no way jose no no no no NO!!

FutureNannyOgg · 23/02/2012 22:39

Yes desperate they would. A lot of doulas are bf peer supporters or BF counsellors too (but obviously those are voluntary roles, so they tend to keep that separate from paid doula work)

desperatenotstupid · 23/02/2012 22:46

Cool, after reading the posts here have decided that the OP's DH is an arse and should embrace the extra pair of hands and advocate. Of course doesn't replace medical professionals, or take away from the fact that the ultimate goal is a live healthy baby, I can totally see how they could make the birth a smoother ride, as it were.

Chateauneuf · 23/02/2012 22:58

Am ROFLing at idea of DH's "birth experience". DH says DC 1 = "interesting then scary" (induction followed by post-partum bleeding), DC2 = "stressful then relief" (straightforward, except for being sent home from hospital only to be recalled immediately at 10cm dilation, approx 1 hour later).

Get the doula if you like. Frankly, the DH is useful as your mediator for medical professionals, but he's not the one squeezing a watermelon through a drainpipe...

saintlyjimjams · 23/02/2012 23:02

I had three births. Only DH at the first 2, DH plus my best friend (who at the time wanted to be a midwife) at the third. We all enjoyed the third the most. Including dh as he could go to the cafe and eat loads of food without having to hurry back to me (or even worse not be allowed to go). Grin

I do remember at one stage having a hideous contraction while dh and my friend demonstrated cricket bowling to each other. Grin

squiggleywiggler · 25/02/2012 08:09

I came a bit late to this, but just wanted to add for any future readers that, in a huge Cochrane review of studies, continuous support during labour (especially by someone not employed by the hospital or in the woman's social/family circle-i.e. a doula) greatly reduced the need for interventions like caesarean section, forceps and the woman's need for pain relief as well as improving the woman's satisfaction with the experience. See here for more details: summaries.cochrane.org/CD003766/continuous-support-for-women-during-childbirth

For those that put 100% of their concern on to the baby, this same review of studies shows that having a doula present actually improves babies APGAR scores.

DoulaLauren · 25/02/2012 17:19

What concerns me most is that the partner seems to be un-supportive of the laboring mother. In a partnership/marriage it's no longer supposed to be about ourselves but we are suppose to think about the other person's needs. It seems this mother needs her partner to understand her feelings and wishes even if he thinks it's silly and he refuses to read anything to see just what it is she is trying to communicate she needs for this birthing experience. Brushing someone off by telling them they think it is mumbo jumbo is very crummy to say the least. I feel terribly for mom on this point. As an educator I can tell you that I have had a second time mom "drag" her husband to my class for this very reason. I can happily report that she had a satisfying birth experience and emailed me to thank me up and down for how my class helped change her husbands attitude and was so excited how supportive he was for her when the moment happened. Sometimes just being with other couples where the males are very supportive and into all the information and comfort measure options can sway a dad who was on the other side of the spectrum. I suppose in a way this is a kind of peer pressure but it's a good kind. Momma just hang in there and speak up for yourself and in the end it will all work out.

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