to book a Doula even though DH not happy?

[bushymcbush]

He has reluctantly agreed because he knows I want this. I'm having a complicated pregnancy and I am facing an early induction in a few weeks time. I'm absolutely terrified of medicalised birth - I had dearly wanted a homebirth - but I've had to shift my thinking and accept that I will be in hospital, under consultant care, with loads of VEs, drips, monitors etc. Ugh.

So I'm trying to make the best of it - give myself the best chance of having as positive a birth experience as I can. This is my second baby. I had a mixed experience in my first birth - natural and positive first stage followed by medicalised very unpleasant second stage - and DH doesn't seem to understand how traumatic that was (still is) for me. He also refuses to read anything about hypnobirthing or relaxation techniques - seems to think it's all mumbo jumbo and "we'll deal with it all as the situation arises"

So should I go ahead and book my Doula, knowing that he doesn't really want it? He has agreed to it but looks very unhappy. He is worried that she will be an "interfering busybody" who is going to take his place and/or tell him what to do.

The husband will, I'm sure, have found it traumatic, but no person can ever truly know another's trauma, so he only knows his own trauma.

It is his wife who has to give birth and therefore it is her trauma and her response to that which must inform the choices made this time.

His experience is relevant to him, but ultimately not that relevant to this second birth, because he isn't the one who will have to do it.

Doulas are Great. YANBU.

My DP would agree. Ours made sure he was supported throughout a scary and stressful experience (induction for 17 hours anyone?). She also made sure he got the baby straight away skin-to-skin whilst I was having an emergency Caesarian, rather than being taken and put on his own in a crib for the duration.

Your husband will thank you afterwards as long as he gets on with her.

I also think that (as well as all the specified 'helping you' functions) a primary function of a doula is to make sure the Dad is ok for the benefit of the relaxation of the mum IYKWIM. Sometimes worrying about your partner whilst in labour can happen and a doula can help there too.

Mn really does make me sometimes. A doula-what a load of middle class wank. As for a birth experience being solely the mothers remit and the medical staff only there to advise-rubbish.

The trained midwives and doctors are there to ensure that you and baby get throught the experience as safely as possible.

I am when I hear women wittering on about how their birth experience is the most important thing. No-the safe delivery of your child is the most important thing. I speak as a mother who has buried three sons.

I found our doula helped DH to help me not took his place.

When I had low back ache she showed DH how to do counter pressure on my back to take the pain away so he could be the one to do that for me not her.

When it came to transition and I scuttled off to the cloakroom bellowing 'I'm going to have diarrhea' she didn't follow me, DH went after me. She was there when the MW was ordering me off the toilet as DD2 was about to be born, reminding me that it would soon be over and baby would be here I just had to listen to the MW.

I had the doula on one side and DH on the other while I delivered DD2, both encouraging me but she never took over she just echoed DH's encouragement (as in DH - 'You are doing so well TS', Doula 'Yes, you are doing really well').

She also reminded me when the 1st MW (not the one who was with me when I had DD2) checked me earlier in the labour that I didn't want a exam while contracting and why but she didn't tell the MW to stop. I can't remember the actual words but it was something like 'TS, you wrote in your birth plan you didn't want to have an exam during a contraction because you wanted to focus on the contractions and have less pain' so I was able to say to the MW, 'Can you wait till this is over?'.

All in all she was fabulous, she melted away once baby was born, she supported DH to support me, she reminded me of what I wanted when I was too focused on birthing to remember and she all round made DD2's birth so fabulous that DH asked if we could have a 3rd baby before I had delivered the placenta (nearly getting a slap from the MW for that in the process though). Which was a far cry from DD1's birth when DH was seriously considering booking in for a vasectomy immediately so I could never go through that particular experience again.

I had the doula for DD3's birth and the only reason I am not having her for DC4's birth is that she has retired from doula'ing.

Your DH's experience of the birth would be enhanced if you have a good birth experience, and statistically you are more likely to have a positive birth experience with a doula than without. And even if it ends as a crash c-section at least you have the doula to be there with you while you wait for the theatre and to be there for your DH while you have your c-section. They are worth their weight in gold frankly. They are you, your DH's and your baby's advocate.

at Bellstar and also for your losses.

she just echoed DH's encouragement (as in DH - 'You are doing so well TS', Doula 'Yes, you are doing really well').

wow, how much did she cost???

I felt it was worth it - DD1 was a unnecessary 4 day induction, 2 1/2 hours of pushing (8 hours of syntocinon with a non-working epidural), then a ventouse delivery because I had had 6 hours of sleep over 4 days and was in pain and exhausted and quite frankly the only thing keeping me going was the wish to not have a c-section with a duff epi.

DD2 was 25 hours from start to finish, only one painful contraction (funnily enough the one where the MW got me to lie down to be examined) and DD2 was born in 4 minutes in the front room. Bliss. Money can't buy you that - a safe delivery and a good birth too.

DD3 was due to be a hb but after 3 weeks of labour she had passed meconium inside me so we transferred in, the doula was fab then, keeping me focused, keeping DH focused and not panicking about transferring in. DD3 was born in 17 minutes in exactly the same position as DD2 but instead of at home she was in hospital. If I hadn't had the doula with us I very much doubt I would have managed it and I would have had to have had a c-section under GA (I can't have a spinal due to MH reasons) as I would have lots the plot and not coped at all.

They do lots of prep work with you too, so you and they are on the same page - e.g. if you want a med-managed labour then they will support you to find out what exactly it is you need to feel safe during labour, if you want a home water birth then they do they same - they are an advocate for you not an usurper of anything.

Of course if you think they are a load of 'woo' nonsense then you will probably not get anything out of them being with you while you birth your baby so it would be a waste of money. Horses for courses etc, etc

Ask him if he would like you to give birth without a midwife and obstetrician. Or perhaps whether he would like to reset a fractured arm and put it in plaster himself?

A doula is very much part of the team. She has been displaced over the years but more people are seeing the use in having one. They are one person in the delivery room who you will know and trust who isn't emotionally invested in the baby. For him to deny you that support is not on.

I had a doula when delivering my dd and she was great. She kept me totally focused on my breathing and did not get in the way at all. my mom and dh were both in the room, but my strong memories are of the doula.

I am currently 24 weeks and will having this baby overseas, away from dh and my family, I will have dh's family around, but it is different. I would like a doula, but am not sure I will be able find one as I will be arriving in England at 36 weeks.

Bell star I am sorry for your loss.

"I am angry when I hear women wittering on about how their birth experience is the most important thing."

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested this. If the birth experience was the most important thing to me, I'd be refusing the early delivery / intervention and going ahead with my homebirth plans as I had originally planned.

As many posters have pointed out, statististically the mother and the child actually have better outcomes with the presence of a doula. I don't think anyone has implied that medical staff are only there to 'advise' either.

Having said all that, I'm sorry you have suffered such awful losses Bel star, and I can understand why your grief might make you so angry at these seemingly petty birthing worries. There is a chance my baby won't survive birth due to various complications. I'm absolutely terrified, and yes, my most important concern is the safe delivery of my child. But the stress of that, plus the stress of a (necessarily) medicalised birth, is not going to do me or my baby any good at all. That's why I think a doula can help me have a calm, minimally stressed birth, which can only play a positive role towards the ultimate outcome.

What does a doula actually do? This is not sarcasm, im just interested. A friend of mine had her DD in the states and she told me that the doula cooked them a meal after the birth, generally helped out with things. What is the job description?

My personal opinion is that surely the MW should be the one encouraging the mother etc? If women are needed to pay for extra help, this suggests to me that the care received in hospital is somewhat lacking? Saying that, midwives were wonderful for both of my DDs, im not sure i would have needed or noticed if anyone else there?

We are all different though.

In your position OP I think booking a doula is a brilliant idea. My SIL did this with her 2nd baby (after a very distressing time first time round -similar to mine) and it was a really positive experience. The Doula was able to be her voice when she was feeling very vulnerable and worried. Having a distressing birth experience can be so disempowering and it is no wonder you feel nervous this time around. I would be very tempted to do the same in your situation. I'm sorry that your DP doesn't get it but "dealing with these things as they arrive" would not cut it for me either! Hope it goes well!

The trouble is, in most cases, you do not know who your midwife is going to be and mine turned out to be a really, really unkind, unprofessional one who ballsed things up in a very big way. I did end up with a wonderful DD and for that I am so, so grateful and not diminishing the much worse experience of others but if I had had another child I would have gone to ANY length possible to avoid that experience again.

YANBU at all. Your vagine, your decision.

I had a doula to support me for my 3rd birth and it was the best decision I made - I had a lovely birth experience, and I knew I had a calm un-stressed advocate who'd been in that hospital a million times and knew exactly what I wanted. In my case, although my OH refused to read any books or even listen to the 20 min hypnobirth tape, he was OK about having a doula. Mainly because it meant he could nip out regularly for a coffee/smoke and I wouldn't be on my own...

Is your DH being a bit passive-aggressive about this refusal to read up about the type of birth you want? It is hugely important to you and he needs to get over himself.

I'd book a private midwife over a doula so at least has some medical knowledge for the period you are labouring at home, and will be handy if your hospital one leaves the room if anything untoward starts to happen that your husband or a hippy drippy doula would not recognise.

Hi OP, I think YANBU but lots of other people have given helpful opinions.

Just wanted to add that i'm reading a book called "Caesarean Birth: a positive approach to preparation and recovery" which i'm finding really good. I need a Csection this time around for medical reasons, but the book is aimed at women who are planning a vaginal birth too. Basically it says that around 1 in 4 women attempting vaginal births end up with a Csection, but most are not prepared for this at all by antenatal classes all about labouring positions and pain relief options. It explains what might happen, why, and whether intervention is necessary or recommended.

After a highly medicalised first birth for which I was completely unprepared (at 24 weeks!) I wanted a book that was realistic about medical intervention saving lives, but also gave me the information to have whatever control over the birth was sensible / medically possible.

Thought you might find that book or somethign similar helpful.... and good luck!

Please, please get a doula. Any decent doula will be able to talk your husband through his anxieties about her usurping his role (she won't. She's there to support BOTH of you).

Like you, I had a traumatic first birth and was dreading my second, so I hired a doula in an attempt to lessen the fear. It absolutely worked. Even though the second birth unfolded very much like the first one, and as it turned out the doula wasn't even able to be present for the actual birth (it happened too early, too fast), I felt so much more able to cope with what was going on the second time around because I had had fantastic conversations with my doula beforehand. In my case, it was worth having hired her for that reason alone.

It's also definitely not too late in your pregnancy to find a doula. If she's someone you feel comfortable with, you don't need to spend loads of time getting to know her beforehand; a couple of meetings will be enough. If she's not someone you feel comfortable with almost instantly, then you don't want her; keep looking until you find the right person.

Maybe tell your husband that if you get the doula, he won't have to read any books! She will have all the knowledge. My husband wasn't keen on reading books either... when we met my doula, she talked to him as much as she talked to me, and asked him what his anxieties and hopes for the birth were. He ended up thinking she was great.

I can't emphasise enough that the role of the doula is NOT to supplant the husband in any way. She is there to help him help you. Even the world's best husband is going to need to pop out for cups of tea or a couple of hours' sleep every now and again. Having a doula with you at the birth is not threatening the husband's position any more than having your mum at the birth would, if your mum were able to be there.

Good luck!

I think it depends a lot on the doula, mine didn't turn up until 90% of the work had been done, she was very good in the end but would have been 110% better if she'd arrived 6 hours earlier.

As for hypnobirthing etc you DO need the DH to be informed and involved if they don't get it you are buggered.
My midwife was told we were having a hypno birth and then asked DH if he had any CD's in the car he wanted to bring in to play obviously went right over her head what we wanted to achieve.

Also, I think there's a lot of ignorance about doulas on this thread. Middle-class wank? Um, no, women have been giving other women moral support during birth for centuries. Hippy drippy? Um, my doula had years of experience giving NCT childbirth classes. Her advice was practical and down-to-earth. That said, it's not a doula's role to give medical advice. Her role is to use the knowledge she has gained from watching loads of other women give birth to reassure you and make you more comfortable. I don't think you need a private midwife as you already know you will be giving birth in hospital with plenty of medical personnel present. A midwife will cost a fortune and once you get to hospital, she won't be able to assist medically; she will only be able to help you by doing the things a normal doula would anyway.

I think dismissing the idea of having an experienced, female birth partner and advocate during birth, despite the evidence that it leads to improved outcomes for mothers and babies as "middle class wank" is middle class wank.

Only people with big issues about their own middle class upbringing think embracing ignorance makes them look clever.

Hire a doula bushy - my first birth experience ended in CS and I can absolutely see (with the benefit of hindsight :) ) how useful it would have been to have someone in that room who was on my side, concerned with helping me, but who actually knew what was going on.

I was too out of it and DH was totally out of his depth. God, I was glad he wad there - I needed him more than anyone, just because he's him - but he couldn't do what someone who regularly attended births and knew how the whole process worked could have done.

Oh, and a big fat Fuck Away Off to the idea that a labouring woman should be worrying about her husband's "birth experience". How offensive.

Are you people married to teenagers? My DH would be appalled at the idea of putting himself ahead of what I needed at such a time, as some of you are suggesting.

I just wanted to wish the OP all the very best with her induction - Good luck.
I had an induction with my first and although there were various interventions (monitoring, epidural etc.) I can honestly say that I found it to be an amazing and uplifting experience.

Do please check the number of birth partners the hospital will allow, mine only allowed one person in the room with labouring women.

What exactly is the book you want your husband to read?

I do sympathise with you but some "birth" books are a load of wanky pseudoscience and I wouldn't be too pleased to be forced to read them. Particularly if I had one DC born with medical complications and DC2 was also high risk. In those circumstances I'd want the knowledge of an experienced obstetrician and paediatrician and I'd have the humility to know I couldn't hope to gain that knowledge by reading a couple of books a fortnight before delivery.

He doesn't need to gain the knowledge of an obstetrician, what a silly suggestion.

He needs to gain the confidence of his wife, who currently feels unsupported by his insistence on doing what feels right at the time, despite the poor outcome from that approach last time.

Using good breathing and relaxation techniques that you have practised and having an obs in the room are not mutually exclusive.

There's not a lot of humility in insisting things are done as you see fit when your role is that of bystander.

"I'd want the knowledge of an experienced obstetrician and paediatrician and I'd have the humility to know I couldn't hope to gain that knowledge by reading a couple of books"

Again, where have I suggested that want to replace the medical team with a doula and a load of books? If that's what I wanted to do, I would have my baby at home, as originally planned. I accept the necessary medical support I will have. I just want to ensure that it goes as smoothly and easily as it can and I stay as calm as possible.

The books I am reading btw are 'Hypnobirthing' by Marie Mongan and 'Birth Skills' by JuJu Sunjin.

mine only allowed one person in the room with labouring women.

All the more reason to stay out of hospital for as long as possible, how dare anyone limit the support available.