Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
Charlotteperkins · 14/02/2012 22:58

So your DD is/was a single Mum? Explains it a little but still doesn't justify your appalling behaviour here, op.

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 22:59

I'm actually really eased about this thread, I've wanted to post about myevil mad mil for ages but feel a bit too vulnerable about it all to take a roasting.

Reading the replies here have made me feel much better, the detail of my situation is intensely awful & I feel so sorry for my DH (& actually fil). It's given me the incentive to stand up to her more!

MsPav · 14/02/2012 23:00

Really can't believe this. Regardless of your relationship with your DIL, why do you not want have a close relationship with all your DGCS.

I had a fantastic relationship with my MIL, we were friends, even after I left her DS. She was a great Granny too, and a huge support when my mum died suddenly. Sadly, she died prematurely too and we all miss them both terribly. But my DCS have wonderful memories of both their Grannies thankfully.

By the way, we were very different people, didn't always agree but became great friends( and she and my DM did too).

Your are missing out so much by excluding your DGS like this, and who knows perhaps by excluding your DIL too.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 14/02/2012 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ExpensivePants · 14/02/2012 23:01

I love my MIL to bits and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Of course it's not the same as her own daughters. But, our children should be, and are, treated exactly the same. I would raise merry hell if they weren't. And if MIL spends time with me it's not to the exclusion of her daughters, there is room for all of us. YABVU.

clare458 · 14/02/2012 23:02

Do you not realise how lucky you are to have all your children and grandchildren so close to you? I have 3 boys and a girl and know I will give all my grandchildren the same amount of love and attention. You are a selfish woman!

squarehat · 14/02/2012 23:03

OP YABVU but you should know that by now. I spend more time with my mum as she lives closer although we make the effort to take DD to see DPs mum and dad and they make the effort to visit us.

So glad my (almost) MIL doesnt share your views.

newbiedoobiedoo · 14/02/2012 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TheSecondComing · 14/02/2012 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobyan · 14/02/2012 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

lollystix · 14/02/2012 23:10

I think you're a bit odd - sorry. You're basically saying that you favour your DDs kids more than your DS's. I can totally understand why your DIL is miffed - she doesn't have a great relationship with her own mother and you are basically saying you don't give a shit and that's her issue and consequently your son's kids miss out - YABVU.

Can I ask if you'd had 2 sons and had DILs excluding you for your grandkids lives based on your views here (that mum and daughter relationships are more important) how would you feel? - just think about it honestly.

mopbucket · 14/02/2012 23:11

I dont have a mum and my mil has never really bothered for my children now aged 14 and 15, she lives 5 mins away but has never babysat

My sil had a baby 7mths ago and lives a hour away, pil have know put their house up for sale to be near her and the baby and to help her with babysitting Hmm even tho she has a very loving DH

Feminine · 14/02/2012 23:11

I can't tell you how Angry this post has made me feel.

What you are doing is exactly what my MIL has done to my DH!

I couldn't give a flying that she has chosen to only hang out with her daughters kids ....my DH is hurt beyond reason.

I honestly thought my MIL was a rare breed, I'm wondering if there is somewhere this type of MIL spawns from?

ledkr · 14/02/2012 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

minsmum · 14/02/2012 23:16

My mother is like this she lives 10 mins away from me and my dbs. I always knew I was second best , my children knew I was as well and that they are too. Because of this we have no real relationship with my dm or my dbs or their families.
My mil was a godsend the only gp my children have really. You don't want your gc's to feel about you the way mine feel about my mother, that she is an irrelevance.

Original poster
Mindymum · 14/02/2012 23:17

I do have another son and dil who have no dc yet and another dd who also has no dc. I do see a fair bit of my other dd (not as much as other dd a she works full time.) My other son is closely but I probably see him and his wife less. I'm also under the impression that my 2 dil's talk about me as they are as thick as thieves.

OP posts:
GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:17

Olgaga my sil is totally overwhelmed by her mother's constant interference help. She used to complain but now actually seems to have such low self esteem that she truly couldn't cope without the massive crutch that is her mother. DH & I moan to each other about how useless she is, but lately I think I've changed my mind to simply zero confidence as a direct cause of MIL's meddling.

I can't even say meddling is well intentioned as she spent so long 'joking' about her empty nest & how bored she was. In my case the mil could spread her time between dgc much more evenly, but to do so, she'd have to relinquish some of the hold she has over her dd.

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:19

Olgaga my sil is totally overwhelmed by her mother's constant interference help. She used to complain but now actually seems to have such low self esteem that she truly couldn't cope without the massive crutch that is her mother. DH & I moan to each other about how useless she is, but lately I think I've changed my mind to simply zero confidence as a direct cause of MIL's meddling.

I can't even say meddling is well intentioned as she spent so long 'joking' about her empty nest & how bored she was. In my case the mil could spread her time between dgc much more evenly, but to do so, she'd have to relinquish some of the hold she has over her dd.

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:19

Sort for duplicate, damn phone!

bringmesunshine2009 · 14/02/2012 23:20

You bet your dils talk about you! About how spectacularly unfair you are!

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:21

OP! they have probably formed a fucking support group! I wish I had a sil!

lollystix · 14/02/2012 23:21

gaviscon - I think we share a SIL. Mine can't fart without asking MIL and FIL if they think it's a good idea and if she's allowed. For a forty year old to be so dependent on her parents is quite sad. Apparently they're best friends.

bringbacksideburns · 14/02/2012 23:22

I feel sorry for your DIL. You are assuming an awful lot about her and how well she is coping. Instead of doting on your daughter how about you organize things that they can both do together with you. It might help your daughter too, to get out, especially when the weather improves.

My MIL was a godsend and truly more of a mum to me in the early days than my own mother. It was nice just to visit her and have a laugh with her. I never ever felt excluded, despite her having two other daughters, it was just little things like offers of help with the kids etc She was truly a lovely person and i miss her so much. She died three years ago. Try to imagine what it must be like to have mother whose not really there for you. No one expects you to love her as much as your daughter, as clearly you are not that sort of person, but just let her know you are there and you care!

If you love your grandchildren why on earth can't you take them out??? I don't understand you.

Bobyan · 14/02/2012 23:23

Oh well OP, just as long as you know that your Dil's will probably have a say in what nursing home you get put into when your older...

foreverondiet · 14/02/2012 23:23

YABVVVU.

Both my MIL and my mum spend equal time etc with their son's children and their daughter's children. I think in some ways slightly harder to ask my MIL to help with my kids than it is for my SIL (also my mum lives abroad) but she is always just as willing to help me as she is to help SIL.

Swipe left for the next trending thread