Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
Hassled · 14/02/2012 22:35

She always seems to be coping, or she actually is coping? She's effectively motherless, from what you say, and has 4 DCs; there must be a certain amount of jealousy when she looks at what support your DD gets. I know I've felt very jealous of my SIL and the endless support she's had from the PIL - I have no living parents.

I think you need to re-assess everything. She's made it clear she wants you to be more involved - and all grandchildren are equal, are they not? Get stuck in - ask when would be convenient for you to pop in, and go with a cake and a smile. She clearly loves your son and makes him happy - don't you owe her a bit of effort in return?

pommedechocolat · 14/02/2012 22:35

I agree that hanging out mum and dd with gc is going to be a lot easier than mil with dil and gc so things need to be organised differently.

More total family visits at weekend with ds and dil and more hanging out in the week visits with dd is surely normal here? I would run like the wind from a situation of just me, my mil and my dc.

crazynanna · 14/02/2012 22:35

I treat my dil and my sil like my own dcs'. Is that not right?

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 22:35

Why does your daughter not go round and spend time with her SIL then? their children are cousins.

If it isnt a reverse, you sound bloody horrible. :(

MrsBeakman · 14/02/2012 22:36

Why are your son's children less important than your daughter's?

5ofus · 14/02/2012 22:36

YABU and you know it.

wildfig · 14/02/2012 22:37

Is this a double twist AIBU and it's actually the son who's posting? Would any one in real life 'explain' that it's natural for a mother to want to do more with her daughter's DC than her son's?

pommedechocolat · 14/02/2012 22:37

I agree that mil as another mother is an odd concept. She is my dh's mum. That's our relationship.

trixymalixy · 14/02/2012 22:37

YABvvvvvvvvvvvvU. Your DIL's DC ate just as much your grandchildren as your DD's DC. Think how they will feel knowing their DG spends no time with them and lots with their cousins.

maras2 · 14/02/2012 22:37

You love your DGC's so much that you've not seen them since beginning of January?You don't sound like a very nice granny at all.

Bossybritches22 · 14/02/2012 22:38

Could you incude your DIL with your DD in family outings to try and form better relationships between you all? Why does it have to be one or the other?

Your DIL might seem to be "getting on with it" but may in fact be very grateful of a bit more support.

Regardless of your feelings for her the children are all your grandchildren and shouldn't be treated differently.

BackforGood · 14/02/2012 22:38

YABU. All your grandchildren are your grandchildren, surely ?

Catsdontcare · 14/02/2012 22:38

As someone who copes very well and is quite I dependant I can promise you your behaviour is very hurtful. It's not about wanting extra perks from grandparents it's wanting to see your children loved and treated equally. Maybe when your older and need more helP and support you will understand why one half of your family isn't in a rush to make you a priority.

FlightRisk · 14/02/2012 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TheParan0idAndr0id · 14/02/2012 22:38

Why wouldn't people want to spend time with their MIL's, merci bucket? And "bleurgh"? Hmm How do you have a MIL when you are clearly 10?

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 22:39

merci, My MIL most definately is a second mother to me. She never had any daughters, so perhaps that makes a difference, and I am also her only DIL, but we are extremely close, see each other almost every day, and I would be lost without her. We have plenty in common, and go out shopping, for lunch, day trips to places that we both like... we have a good laugh together.

Catsdontcare · 14/02/2012 22:39

As someone who is quite inedependant. Grr

nenevomito · 14/02/2012 22:39

If this isn't an reverse AIBU then you are favourin your DDs children over your DS's children.

Blatant favouritism when it comes to what are all your grandchildren is horrible and its about them, not your dil.

QuintessentialyHollow · 14/02/2012 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Shineyoncrazydiamond · 14/02/2012 22:41

Blimey, I am glad you ain't my MIL.

ProPerformer · 14/02/2012 22:41

OP; For me it's not the not seeing DIL that's so much the problem (I live my MIL dearly but wouldn't want her round loads) and can understand that you'd want to see your own DD more than DIL - that much is natural. It was the comment about "I do babysit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there." that got to me, as didn't make it sound like you see the DGC's too often.

Maybe suggest taking the GC's out for the day to give DIL some time to herself, you could even take them round to your DD's to see their cousins or even all of you (You DD, DIL and children) all go to the park together once in a while if that would suit.

lisad123 · 14/02/2012 22:42

And they say MILs are horrible Hmm
They are your grandchildren, no matter who their mother is.
She may look like shes coping but clearly she is asking for help.
You sound like you clearly dont like her and the poor girl is trying hard to make a relationship with you.
Why dont you invite both DIL and DD round once a week.

MummyNickleby · 14/02/2012 22:42

I'm socked if this is genuine.
YABVU
You need to divide your time equally between grandchildren. But, as a supportive mother, you could have more phone calls to your DD for extra support (as you think it necessary)

I work very hard to make sure my MIL is included in my DS's life, I'm acutely aware that my own mother may think she has more rights as it was me who gave birth. But that's not the case, my DS is half me, half DH. So both sets of grandparents have equal standing.
You should treat your children equally. It shows great immaturity to not be able to do that.

Really quite disgusting if this is true Angry

Anonymumous · 14/02/2012 22:42

I don't understand this at all. You only live ten minutes away from your daughter AND your daughter-in-law. They both have babies. Why on Earth don't you invite them BOTH round to your house and spend some proper family time together? Maybe they could be friends to each other, then you could be free of ALL your grandchildren. At least that would be more fair!

And even if you feel awkward about spending time with your DIL on your own, why don't you go round there when your SON is at home? Remember him? He'd probably quite like to see you occasionally too...

WilsonFrickett · 14/02/2012 22:43

OP, have you read your post? How do you think that makes you sound? How about the fact that 90% of the people on the thread thought this was a wind up?

And I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

I sincerely hope you didn't try to have this conversation with your DIL. Your poor GC.

And actually your poor son, because it's fairly obvious from your post that he's always come second to your daughter.

This cannot be real. no-one can be that blinkered to the impact of their actions, surely?