Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 14/02/2012 22:43

She is asking you to spend more time with her. She doesn't have a good relationship with her mum. Why are you being so horrible?

Original poster
Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:44

My dil does pop in and see my daughter from time to time, my daughter doesn't visit her as much because they have dogs and my grand daughter is terrified of dogs. She does keep the dogs outside when they visit but the fear is already there for my gd.
My son and dil do have a good marriage, whereas my daughter has been married twice. My daughter has also suffered bouts of depression so is needier. I do sometimes feel that they could visit ME more.

OP posts:
justanuthermanicmumsday · 14/02/2012 22:44

i sort of know how the dil l feels. my mil lives with me because she needs care. she seems to love my kids but she does make it obvious that she loves her daughters kids more than mine. i have 3 under 5 yrs old, and there is mayhem when they play. mil doesnt like the boiterous behaviour, she alwys says my daughter raised kids theyre not like this. i sid no thyre not like mine because they all attend secondary school thyre older! im sure they had their noisy play when they were younger.

she even makes it well known that she prefers her daughter over her son, even whn her daughter make mistakes as we all do butter wouldnt melt. but iv heard her bckchtting about he own son, when he nver sys a bad word about her. ironic since he and i are caring for her in everyway. if she cares so much bout he daughter why ish she with us, baffles me

UphillBothWays · 14/02/2012 22:44

"the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs"

What the hell?! This isn't natural. Both sets are your grandkids, end of.

WilsonFrickett · 14/02/2012 22:46

How in the name of fuck do you actually know what kind of relationship your son and DIL have? You never see them!

Dotty342kids · 14/02/2012 22:46

This is so sad. I don't have much of a relationship with my mum (she's a nice woman, she just doesn't put me or my family as a priority in her life).
I am very much one of life's external copers - my kids are always busy doing nice things, we live in a nice house, have holidays but, like the proverbial duck, underneath all of it I'm paddling like mad keeping it all going!
My MIL is about an hour away and whilst I couldn't spend time just "hanging out" with her (we're very, very different!) she's an absolute godsend and I wish she lived closer as I know she adores our children and would love to see them every day.
As my own mum doesn't have this kind of relationship with my dc's it means a huge amount to me that their other grandma does cherish and adore them and want to see them all the time.
So, what I'm trying to say to you is that a) she might not be coping quite as well as it appears. Sometimes coping is just a necessity! And b) it is a very, very sad thing if you don't spend much time with that set of gdc's just because you deem their mother to be ok without your input!

Get involved, see the grandkids and share some of your attention around. It'll only breed resentment and upset if you don't.

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 22:46

Not a reverse thread?! Bloody Hell! You actually think this is ok?!?! YADBU.

Mind you, I wonder (really) if you are in fact my mil, if so, is the holiday in Spain (the one you've taken both your dds & etc on, with I DH & your DH, fully paid for by you & not asked your DS, me & our dd to come on)

For the record, the attitude described in OP which is identical to what I (who actually has a good relationship with my mum, although she lives a flight away in a different uk province...) & DH are subjected is extremely hurtful & damaging. My DH is extremely bitter & will not forgive or forget some o the truly terrible things that have been said/done.

Was I clear enough. Your behaviour is NOT ok & your blatant favouritism is horrible. On your deathbed do you think you might regret this? Hope so.

mercibucket · 14/02/2012 22:46

rofl, TheParan0idAndr0id
have you really never ever read the endless, every day, 'aibu my mil......' threads on here?
that may well help answer some of your 'why wouldn't anyone want to spend time with their mils'
not that my mil is like that, but she's just not my friend, she is the mother of my dh, and grandmother of my kids, end of. If she wants to come see them every day when I'm not here, great, if not so often, also great, but every day while I'm here, no way

Earthymama · 14/02/2012 22:47

Why can't MILs like DILs as people in their own right? I am genuinely puzzled!
If my DIL lived closer to me I would see her as often as I could while she is home with her small baby.
I see my DD and DGC nearly every day, I love them all, DD and DIL are part of my friendship group.
Obviously if we didn't get on it would be harder but I would definitely see my son's children as often as I could.
We are all going out for a meal on Saturday and I have Baggsied First Cwtch with my son's little boy!

Voidka · 14/02/2012 22:48

Is this a reverse AIBU?

pipsqueak · 14/02/2012 22:48

glad my dc dont have a grandma like you Sad

Kayzr · 14/02/2012 22:48

YABVVVU!!! It's disgusting. Why the bloody hell should your DIL visit you more when you obviously don't like her.

I'm really glad you aren't my MIL.

emsyj · 14/02/2012 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Haziedoll · 14/02/2012 22:49

MindyMum, I think you must get the message by now.

How does that make you feel?

eurochick · 14/02/2012 22:50

If this isn't a reverse AIBU then YABVU!

dearprudence · 14/02/2012 22:51

It's not about spending time with the DiL vs your own daughter - it's fair enough if you're closer to your own daughter.

But you should treat all the grandchildren equally, and should give favours/support equally too. If you don't, which you freely admit, your DiL is totally justified in feeling resentful on her children's behalf.

YABVU.

Adversecamber · 14/02/2012 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 22:51

Yes, I'd like to know that too haziedoll.

Haribos · 14/02/2012 22:51

topknob Tue 14-Feb-12 22:34:03
DIL copes as she has no other choice due to selfish in laws and crap parents
Good point!
I feel sorry for your daughter in law but especially your grandchildren. My in laws did this and they have not seen their grandchildren for about 5 years now. Not even so much as a card this Xmas. Its their loss in the end.
And the same applies to you, you will be sorry one day.

historyrepeats · 14/02/2012 22:52

YABU. You sound horrible. I'm glad your not my MIL shes bad enough

nailak · 14/02/2012 22:55

is the op actually serious? it is not a reverse aibu? wow.....

op everyone has said yabu, so what ya gonna do about it?

Hoolet · 14/02/2012 22:57

Who really describes their daughter as being 'much needier'?!

Lame reverse AIBU.

olgaga · 14/02/2012 22:57

To be fair to OP, no-one's time is unlimited. If her daughter needs her help frequently, she's probably doesn't have much free time anyway.

OP I think for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren, you should talk to your DIL and ask her what kind of arrangement would suit her. It may just be a day a week or something. If you were able to do that for her, I'm sure your relationship would improve without your own daughter suffering too much.

historyrepeats · 14/02/2012 22:57

There will be a thread soon, AIBU to think my MIL loves her DD's DCs more than mine and has pushed us away and my DH is heartbroken? Hmm

bringmesunshine2009 · 14/02/2012 22:57

Holy cow! Lady if you are for real the you are being SO U! Words fail me. If DIL didn't want you around that would be one thing, but despite the fact your behaviour is vile and totally repugnant she does. Step up to the plate. Your poor poor GCs. Are you just a bit ashamed?!