Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 14/02/2012 22:26

sounds like it's the dil who is the needier of the two, to be honest. might be kind to spend some time with her as she obviously has emotional needs that are not being met by her own mother, and it is always hard when you have young children
have to say though, i would run for the hills if my mil wanted to start hanging out with me and the kids while dh wasn't there, so I can see why you are not wanting to interfere, but dil sounds a bit emotionally insecure and needy so if you can, maybe make a bit of time to spend with her too

Catsdontcare · 14/02/2012 22:26

I can't believe you don't have an interest in one set off grand kids because they aren't your daughters. Twat.

HeidiHole · 14/02/2012 22:27

oh come on this is such a reverse AIBU!

MamaMaiasaura · 14/02/2012 22:27

This is so obviously a reverse AIBU

crazynanna · 14/02/2012 22:27

I have all my grandchildren around all together...dd's and ds's...all together.

They're all mine

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 22:27

I will bet my last rolo that this is a reverse aibu.

Spuddybean · 14/02/2012 22:28

oh dear. how sad for your dil and son. you sound like you very much favour one family over the other.

My nan was close to my aunt and not my dad and as such my cousins grew up seeing her everyday (she offered free childcare for them) and my sister and i saw her once every other month for an afternoon. We had a very strained relationship with her and at her funeral it was so sad that my cousins had lots of happy memories of her and we had very few. It was as if we were describing 2 different women. They described her as warm and loving and we thought of her as cold and distant.

Is this what you want from your relationship with your dc and gc?

SuePurblybilt · 14/02/2012 22:28

Or it could be another Mumsnet Test.

Did any of you tell the OP to leave the bastard?

Haziedoll · 14/02/2012 22:29

Thats sad. I am in a similar situation as your dil, although I don't see my own mother because she lives far away not because of relationship issues.

I take it quite personally that my mil priortises her other grandchildren over mine, I feel sad on their behalf and also lonely when I hear about the places she has been to with sil. I have friends but they have their own children I can't ask them for help. At times it's hard not to feel resentful when my sil has all the help in the world and I'm just around the corner struggling to cope. Perhaps that's how your dil feels.

hatesponge · 14/02/2012 22:29

YABU. And actually quite mean

This sort of attitude probably does go to explain why my Ex-MIL never had much time for my DC but spent most of her waking hours with her DD's children.

Original poster
Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:29

Sorry if this doesn't seem genuine, it is. Maybe I just haven't come across well. My dil to be honest has always felt hard done by and our relationship is sometimes tense. We have very different views on things. I love my dc and grandchildren very dearly but she has 4 and does tend to get on and do things where as my own dd who has 3 dc isn't as confident about going out alone with her dc. My son does work a lot but my dil always seems to be coping.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 14/02/2012 22:29

Oh and just to throw it in, your daughters never going to make more friends with you hanging round her all the time.

mercibucket · 14/02/2012 22:29

I am very surprised by all the views on here. I'd be horrified if mil wanted to spend as much time with me and my kids as she does with the other side. quite natural to want to spend time with your daughter, why on earth would anyone want to hang out with their daughter-in-law? guess she could come and pick the kids up and take them out though, and not spend time with dil as well - would that work as an option?

rhondajean · 14/02/2012 22:30

Loop s sorry I got lost in the reverse AIBU comments. YANBU.

( confused)

rhondajean · 14/02/2012 22:31

No! YAbu! Aaa argh!

NoMoreMarbles · 14/02/2012 22:32

change the date her to 20 years ago and this could have been my mother saying the same to my GM(dads mum)!

it sounds like a reverse and if it is not...you have basically made yourself sound like an awful mother to your son and GM to his children!

my GM plays favourites with her daughter to the detriment of my dad and his brother...my siblings and i have ALWAYS seen the difference in how my aunts children are treated compared to how we were (basically ignored)

YABVVU to treat your son and DIL and their children in this way. your DIL is extending the invitation to you to spend some quality time with your GCs and you are throwing that back in her face knowing that she has a very bad relationship with her own mother. how very sad your DIL must feel being rejected by a second mother figure...Sad

TheParan0idAndr0id · 14/02/2012 22:32

YABU.

I'm normally first to defend MIL's but you sound like a total wagon.

Northernlurker · 14/02/2012 22:32

Your dil feels hard done by because she is hard done by - you acknowledge you favour one set of grandchildren over the other. What are you hoping to get out of this thread? Because it certainly won't be approval for your unfair and unloving behaviour.

maddening · 14/02/2012 22:32

yabu

PacificDogwood · 14/02/2012 22:33

Eh? I hope one day to be 'hanging out' with my DILs - maybe.

But surely this is about spending time with the grandchildren, non?
I always seem to be coping, but dearly wished I had my mother closer by or my MIL in better health to be able to see us/us see her.

Still weird. And if genuine really quite sad Sad.

HesterBurnitall · 14/02/2012 22:34

You're not coming across well because what you're saying is horrid, not because ou haven't explained it well enough.

topknob · 14/02/2012 22:34

DIL copes as she has no other choice due to selfish in laws and crap parents !

TessTickular · 14/02/2012 22:34

I hope this isn't true.

She doesn't have a good relationship with her mother but you think it's her mother who should do things with her children not yo?

Your grandchildren will see right through this when they are older. They won't like you very much. With good reason.

workshy · 14/02/2012 22:34

just because someone seems to be coping doesn't mean they are -she has obviously just had to get on with it while your DD has had you there holding her hand

perhaps if you didn't visit your DD so often she would be able to be a bit more independant and 'cope'!

mercibucket · 14/02/2012 22:35

bleurgh to the whole idea of mil as a second mother figure

I'm going to slink off now, as I am quite obviously a horrible person. I genuinely didn't think anyone in all the world would want to go on days out with their mil and their kids but without their dh. I do actually like my mil but bleurgh - what would we say, we'd just have to talk to each other all day, we only have the gc and dh in common, oh the whole thing is just dire

Swipe left for the next trending thread