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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 14/02/2012 23:25

Your dd might need you more but your grandchildren all need the same.
My mil has seen my 4 year old once in her life and dd1 she has seen 5 times in 9 years!
It's so hard building a relationship with a mil, and your dil is reaching out to you and you are blowing her off. You know she doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother but you use that to beat her with it and say she is hard work Hmm

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:25

Lollystix mine dress the same, have the same hair & sneer about the same things! It's creepy!

Rikalaily · 14/02/2012 23:29

You are being completely out of order. How dare you neglect your grandchildren like this? They deserve your love and attention just as much as your daughters children.

My children are on the receiving end of can't be arsed grandparents too and I'll tell you this, it is horrible for the kids, they know they are second best and to see the hurt in thier eyes when thier grandparents bother to drop in on thier birthdays is heartbreaking. They know thier cousins get alot more time and attention, they get taken on caravan holidays and day trips out and mine get a visit on thier Birthday and have to listen to 'We got & a Nintendo Wii, a new bike, an 8ft trampoline, oh we are taking them away to Wales this weekend blah blah blah etc', while passing my kids toys that were literally so crappy and cheap that one shattered into sharp plastic shards when it was accidentally dropped 10 mins after they left. I wish they just wouldn't bother full stop, at least then the kids wouldn't know any differently.

Shame on you. You really need to pull your finger out and appreciate your grandchildren, son and DIL a whole lot more.

Original poster
Mindymum · 14/02/2012 23:30

When I visit my dd it's admittedly not just about the dgc. I'm on my own now so it's company for me too. We are able to chat as her dc are much quieter whereas my other gc are full on ( constantly trying to talk to me, ask questions etc.) They are good children, don't get me wrong but it's a much livelier and louder household.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 14/02/2012 23:31

OP I love the way you just keep coming out with completely outrageous bollocks, without addressing any of the comments people have made on this thread.

clare458 · 14/02/2012 23:32

Your last comment makes you sound even more heartless. Perhaps your dil's dc are so excited to see you, which is why they are trying to talk to you. You horrid woman!

lisad123 · 14/02/2012 23:33

Just accept it op, you are behaving in an appalling manner and no one is going to agree with you.
No one is saying you shouldnt see your dd, but that you need to make the same effort with dil and YOUR other grandchildren.

clare458 · 14/02/2012 23:34

At one point will you take onboard what EVERYONE is saying to you!!!

lisad123 · 14/02/2012 23:34

Feeling very sorry for your dil, you don't deserve her or your grandchildren! Angry

GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:37

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baboos · 14/02/2012 23:38

Honestly, you sound completely oblivious to the hurt you are causing, it's all about you...how uttterly selfish.

I too am on the receiving end of this sort of treatment, from my own father, who favours my 2 ds's, and whilst I have come to accept this, let me tell you that this will have life long effects on your gc.

YuleingFanjo · 14/02/2012 23:39

what does your son think of your lack of interest in his family?

signet2012 · 14/02/2012 23:40

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sozzledchops · 14/02/2012 23:40

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Bobyan · 14/02/2012 23:40

and it's their first post...

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 14/02/2012 23:41

Feel very sad for you OP, most of all because you can't see what a mess you're helping make - helping one daughter become even needier (and sadder) whilst pushing your son and DIL away. ALL your relationships will be poorer than they could be - especially with your GC.

trixymalixy · 14/02/2012 23:41

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GavisconJunkie · 14/02/2012 23:41

The only mitigating circumstance I can think of is that you have AS. your self focussed attitude, inability to accept/understand criticism & complete failure to empathise could suggest that.

I can't believe I've just handed you a possible get out clause

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2012 23:42

As a grandmother myself, I find this almost unbelievable. If it is true, no wonder there are tensions and I'd back your DIL to the hilt. You sound very difficult and truly misguided, tbh.

123caughtaflea · 14/02/2012 23:54

Oh come on Mindymum, you have to be having a (bad) joke of one sort or another.

Just in case you aren't . . .

My grandparents had four grandchildren (myself&brother, 2 cousins), 2 from each daughter. They lived within 20 minutes of us, a couple of hours from cousins. My mother was widowed under difficult circumstances (suicide) when we were still young. My mother then spiralled into a pretty serious depression lasting 3 or 4 years - didn't do anything, not even clean or cook, basically just sat on the sofa having a breakdown.

Under the circumstances our grandparents saw a lot more of us than our cousins, who had two functioning parents etc etc. But they fell over themselves to assure our cousins - and us - at every opportunity that we were all equally important and they did do whatever they could to see cousins as often as possible too. But yes, they were substitute parenting us and it was different, noone denies or denied it.

And even under THOSE circs, one of my cousins still hasn't forgiven our grandparents for not recognising that he needed them too.

So tbh I think you haven't a hope of coming out of this well.

tinysock · 15/02/2012 00:00

Mindymum are your dil's older children from another relationship and not dgc by blood? Is this why you feel differently toward them? Or are you worried about repercussions from dil's mother? It's not very clear from op why you feel so differently towards your son as you're concentrating on your daughter and dil.

Impsandelves · 15/02/2012 00:02

YABU. They are all your grandchildren and should be treated equally. That your DIL doesn't have relationship with her mother would say to me that you should step up even more so. I hope my DD does not end up with a MIL like you!

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 15/02/2012 00:07

Gawd, imagine a child trying to talk to you or ask questions? How very annoying for you? Hmm

TotemPole · 15/02/2012 00:09

constantly trying to talk to me, ask questions etc.) Shock Your grandchildren try to talk to you. That's unbelievable, have you tried gagging them?

This must be a wind up. No one can really be as unpleasant as the OP.

newbiedoobiedoo · 15/02/2012 00:14

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