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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:

lollipoppet · 15/02/2012 14:19

I have just skimmed the thread but I am thinking, are you my mil??
(I know you're not as she lives further but you definitely could be!)

Your dil probably couldn't care much less about your relationship with herself but is seething with rage at the injustice of your relationship with your son and grandchildren.

I will never be friends with my mil because of the selfish manner in which she has treated my dp and how it has affected him. She shows very little interest in my dd which really has me bubbling under the surface with anger since she dotes on her other grandchildren. However, she then pretends like my dd is treated equally. It is bollocks.

The last time we visited them she spent the entire time sat on the sofa catching up with her soaps, completely ignoring my dd! Considering she hadn't seen her in weeks I was so mad, I had to go out on the pretence of needing something from the shop to avoid exploding.

It's making me angry just thinking about it!

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 14:47

Apart from your relationship with your dgc/dil suffering have you ever thought about the effect this has on your ds? Both my dh and my ddad have been treated as "second class children" and the damage that has been done is irreparable. In both cases the relationship was/ is out of duty rather than genuine feeling (i'm desperately trying to keep a relationship with ILs going as we hope to ttc in the next few years and i'm buggered if my kids are going to have a relationship with them like I did with my gran. The sad thing is that my dh no longer cares .

Agree with above - you need to get round there sharpish and start taking your dil up on her offers. And you need to rebuild a relationship with your son.

I understand that you must be missing your dh - I'd guess that you have been to hell and back. But think of it this way - THEY NEED YOU. Your dil has tried to get you involved, do you not think that having gone through the loss of your dh that they are desperate to "lose" you too. Your dil has no contact with her mum, and you may very well feel that you don't "need" her as you "have your own daughter". But i'll tell you something; there is no limit on love. If you get your arse into gear and start acting like the mum/grandma that you obviously can be, it isn't going to reduce the amount you love your dd/ her kids.

ballroompink · 15/02/2012 14:56

As the grandchild of someone who had very much the same attitude towards her daughter/daughter's children (my aunt and cousins) and her daughter-in-law/DIL's children (my mum, my DSis & me) I would say that yes, of course YABU and you need to think really hard about how this behaviour will impact on the dynamics in your family. DIL is still married to your son and her kids are still your grandchildren. She might not care that much if you're not bothered about her but as someone who has been in that situation, I can tell you that once her kids are old enough to realise what's going on, they will be bothered and you will probably be letting yourself in for resentment and trouble. Furthermore, your own DD needs to be independent sometimes.

melika · 15/02/2012 15:08

Hold me to this you lot!

I will never treat my DILs with contempt, (I haven't got a DD) so I will try my very hardest to be accommodating at all times.

(Ps. please God let them pick ones that aren't too much like hard work!)

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 15:25

melika - even if they ARE hard work I bet you'd try bloody hard rather than compromise your relationship with your ds(s)

Anyway, accommodating goes both ways!

stuffthenonsense · 15/02/2012 16:06

why on earth do some women have this stupid thought that sons children count less than daughters children/ this is a very very destructive attitude to have.

my first MIL was a dream, her son was/is an arse, but i was treated as a daughter, and treated her as a mother, we still have a wonderful relationship despite an accrimonious divorce, and of course her grandchildren adore her, and often go to visit her....in fact when i spent weeks in hospital after the birth of my DD with NEW husband, it was her i turned to to care for the grandchildren, and she stepped up amazingly with no notice whatsoever, and no idea that a short labour would turn into a lengthy stay.

my (now-deceased) current MIL, always hated me, blamed me for relationship issues between her and her son (despite me being the one who tried to encourage good relationships), never ever accepted our daughter as her grandchild, thankfully she is too young to know this....but this attitude caused so much resentment and bitterness that i am sad to say that my DHs memories of his mother are tainted by these difficult times....

Mindymum, do you really really want to breed resentment in your family? come on, wake up and embrace what could be a fantastic experience for you.

mrsjay · 15/02/2012 16:19

you are being mean showing favouritism between your son and daughter and excluding your grandchildren because you dont want to replace her mother , doesnt the mother of your grandchildren need support too .
i think you should leave your daughter to learn to cope a little on her own why are you even there everyday and spread yourself i feel sorry for your son tbh have you always had favourites ?

QuintessentialyHollow · 15/02/2012 16:49

What comes around goes around.

I hope your own daughter and her children will be around to assist you with your needs in old age, visit you and keep you company, so you get back your investment.

Your dil on the other hand, well, she wont have to bother with frail old mother in law, help her with cooking, getting some shopping in, gritting her drive, she has her own daughter who can do just that. Unless the son she ignored will step up?

minimathsmouse · 15/02/2012 17:14

OP are you my MIL? she favours her daughters children over ours, she has always treated her two children differently. DH is ignored at family gatherings, he has had no support from his parents, his father telephones just to shout down the phone.

The DC are now 11 and 6 and they are now aware that their cousin is favourite. She has her own room at PILs house, lots of toys, spends weekends there, goes there for christmas and she is taken out on trips. In 11 years my son has stayed over twice and they have never baby sat. For the first 4 yrs my son didn't even get a birthday present.

I put up with it for 11 years until MIL told me to "just get on with it" when my mother died in October. Now my children have no grandparents

Finally after years of trying to get on with these people and just do the right thing, I am bloody relieved to have them out of my life.

Count yourself lucky OP that your DIL is still trying to maintain any relationship with you, because my advice to her would be give up, it's not worth the grief.

boglach · 15/02/2012 17:24

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LizzieMo · 15/02/2012 17:31

Mindy- I thank you for this thread. Although I admit to having had occasional gripes with my ILs, I can hand on heart say that they would never come up with this:
'My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. .....I have my own daughter to think about.'

Dispite our differences we all love the children. I am now eternally grateful that I have the ILs I do have. Thank you for showing me how it could have been so much worse.

inzidoodle · 15/02/2012 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 15/02/2012 18:28

Reverse! Reverse!

Glittertwins · 15/02/2012 18:40

The OP sounds like my MIL too! She's always favoured her DD over her DS too. Our children barely see their grandparents and we have to trek a 140 mile round trip to go there (we got moaned at last week for them never seeing them) yet they wont come to us and do anything with us. They bought SIL a huuuuge house to 'share' too. We just struggle on.

maybenow · 15/02/2012 18:47

people always seem to forget that there are TWO relationships here -
i would always expect a GP to have the same relationship with all their DGs no matter whether their son's or daughter's children.

BUT.. i would not expect a DIL to have as close a relationship with a MIL as with her DM... just as i wouldn't expect a son IL to be as close to his MIL and FIL as his own father and mother.

So.... if a mother and daughter are meeting for coffee and for their own relationship more than a MIL and DIL then that's understandable.. and if the children see one GP more than the other in their earliest years then that's just life.. but it's up to everybody in that situation to ensure that the GC see all their GPs and form relationships with them all equally.

clare458 · 15/02/2012 20:26

maybenow why does it have to be as regimented as that. Why do some people have to make a point of being 'closer ' to daughter over son or daughter over daughter in law?
This post is mainly about the gm not being equal with all her gc. Admittedly it would be difficult to see and treat gc exactly the same if one set is close by and others are further away. But this posters gc are very close by.

maybenow · 15/02/2012 20:35

it's not about making a point. it's about me wanting to see my mum who i love very much and she loves me and my children just happening to see one grandmother as a side-effect of that...

it's not always about the GC.. sometimes it's about a grown woman and her relationship with her own mother.

KittieCat · 15/02/2012 20:44

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PacificDogwood · 15/02/2012 20:56

Accepting that it is possible to get on better with some people than others, I suppose statistically a MIL can just 'gel' better with a DD than a DIL. Or vice versa. Or get on better with a daughter than a son.
Just because of the people they are. Not because of which chormosome they share .

Has this still not been revealed as a reverse thread?? I am amazed. And somewhat saddened... As a future MIL to up to 4 DIL, I hope I won't feel like the OP about them.

Bobyan · 15/02/2012 21:02

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cornflowers · 15/02/2012 21:11

Clearly a reverse, absolutely certain of it.

MentalMuslimMummy · 15/02/2012 21:32

disgusting attitude.

bloody well get involved with your grandchildren!!! ITS YOU THAT WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!

Im so glad my DD and DS's lovely grandma isnt like you.

mercibucket · 15/02/2012 21:50

did the op ever admit to this being a reverse?

catsrus · 15/02/2012 21:58

I was not that close to my own mother either - but have become very close to my (now ex) MIL who treated all her gcs equally (and so all those gcs get on extremely well with each other despite a wide age range). since my exH left we now find we have a relationship based on genuine affection not duty.

As parents I think we find it very easy to get on with those who adore our dcs .

By spending time with your gcs OP you may find you make a real friend in your DIL.

runningwilde · 15/02/2012 22:17

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