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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 15/02/2012 12:04

I have a strong feeling that when the tables are turned and it is you who become 'needy' and really could do with some help, your DD will be the last person to come to your aid my dear.

You are doing her no favours by helping her out so much.
Not to say you shouldn't help her ever, but maybe you should try to encourage her to become a little more independant, you wouldn't want her to end up relying on you forever, and then depend on her children when your gone would you?

Your DIL actually wants you there, she makes an effort for you, the fact that she has four kids and doesn't get a nice vibe of you is why she doesn't visit you more often.
I wouldn't want to visit you knowing you make extra effort for your other GC, i wouldn't think you would appreciate it.

You really sound like you also do not have much of a deep relationship with your sons, which is a little upsetting, did you always prefer your DD? I am wondering wether you have something to do with your daughters behaviour now, wanting to keep her reliant on you?
I don't know, just speculating, but you need to address all these issues if you want to have a long term relationship with all of your grandchildren.

Haziedoll · 15/02/2012 12:05

I'm getting the impression that you are finding the time you have to give to your dd and her children too much, your daughter does sound quite needy. Your dil is resentful of this. You already feel you are tired from the amount of support you are providing your dd and resent being asked for more of your time from dil.

Your dil has bore the brunt of your frustration when in reality you are being ground down by the demands of your daughter. Is this a fair representation?

Kayano · 15/02/2012 12:10

It's really pathetic sad that you don't visit when your sons are there and you can only describe your relationship with your boys as 'they don't ignore me'

Your quite lucky with that all things considered. Agree with poster who said when you are old and 'needy' I bet it's not DD who will be there (poor thing won't be able to cope I expect)

sayithowitis · 15/02/2012 12:13

Sorry, but your post of 11:52 makes it even worse AFAIAC. Your DIL, the one whose children you "don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about." is the only one who can be bothered to turn up when you invite your parents for tea? So she is making one hell of an effort to be included in your family, whilst you are making an equal effort to exclude her and your Grandchildren. You sound utterly charming. She sounds a much better DIL than you do as a MIL. And it sounds as though her mother brought her up to be someone who cares, regardless of bloodlines. Actually, a daughter to be proud of. Is yours?

boschy · 15/02/2012 12:19

it sounds to me as if your DIL is doing pretty much everything she can to be a 'good' DIL. I was like that - til I realised that it wasnt going to make any difference to PILs treatment of our children. At which point I backed right off and now it is "duty only" - which I think is rather sad really. Sadder for PIL than us; but as I said earlier, it is their loss.

And no, there is no reason to feel closer to a daughter's children than a son's. Quite ridiculous.

clare458 · 15/02/2012 12:23

You really need to make things up with your dil before it's too late. Her expectations of you are not unrealistic.

The impression you are giving of your own dd is that she is a bit pathetic or is it that YOU are the needy one? Your constant visiting must have an impact on her relationship with her partner/husband if you're always there?

tinysock · 15/02/2012 12:26

So glad you're ok Mindymum, do pop round and say 'I'd no idea you felt that way, what would make it better? Would it be better if I popped in more often?'.

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 12:26

Well said Sayit.

Your dil sounds like a saint.

I was a gc in this position. My mum's parents were amazing and i loved them with all my heart.

My dad's mum? If she wasn't dead I'd have thought she had learned how to use the internet and post on internet forums. I cannot describe my hatred of her, for the way she treated my sister and I, but mostly for her treatment of my parents - who bent over backwards to include her.

And you avoid going to ds/dil house because your grandchildren dare to try to speak to you?

There is NOTHING you could possibly "explain" to your dil about the situation. You haven't seen your dgc - your own flesh and blood - since the beginning of January, despite living so close. Congratulations - you are well on the way to making your dgc feel the same way as I did about my bitch of a grandmother.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 15/02/2012 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellybeans · 15/02/2012 12:38

YABVY. However, it does happen. I have a friend whose MIL told her that her daughter's kids (her other GKids) were different to hers (friends DC/her other GKids) as they were HER DAUGHTER'S children and her sons children just didn't feel the same Shock. I think this has to be a reverse AIBU.

bringbacksideburns · 15/02/2012 12:40

Mindy - i'm glad you came back to comment and have picked up in what has been said.

I really hope you do start to include your other grand children more in the future. Trips to the park in sunny weather with ALL of them would be a great idea.

To add Mindy has posted that she doesn't have a bad relationship with her DIL and they don't hate each other!

Appreciate what you have Mindy. You are blessed. Kids grow up so quickly.

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 12:45

jellybeans thats truly horrible isnt it. This seems to be how the OP feels yet has not explained why she thinks more of her own DD than her DSs. I guess if you feel this about your own children then naturally it will follow you will think more of your DDs children than your DSs children. Why does a daughter mean so much more to certain women than a son?

boschy · 15/02/2012 12:46

what jellybeans said. I should have realised my MIL might not be much use when she told me that it was much more exciting when it was your own DAUGHTER having a baby, rather than merely your son's wife.... funnily enough that never applied with my own mum, as of her 6 grand children 4 are my brother's kids.

annielouisa · 15/02/2012 13:02

OP I think you are missing out and it is not just your DIL who will notice the difference it is your DS and DGC. I speak as a grandparent who no longer sees a dearly loved GS. Our DS2 XDP felt as you do DGC should have better relationships with maternal GP (ah but thats another story). I have 6 other DGC and 2 on the way. My DH have a wonderful relationship with DS1 DF who is expecting try to be fair with our time. Our love is elastic so there will always be tons of that to go round.

I hope one day we can be allowed back into DGS1 life but I know we have to be patient rather than cause problems as his mother has some quite deep issues of her own.

Janey1387 · 15/02/2012 13:10

In my own family we had this problem and the MIL is going to be the one regretting her behaviour in later years ! My mothers parents gave equal attention to all their grandchildren when we were kids , and they treat their DIL's like daughters , my gran is known for taking a DIL's side against her son lol Now that gran and grandpa are too old to travel around much all their children & their spouses go to visit regularly , as do their grandchildren who bring along their own children! We often joke that my grandparents house looks like a departure lounge on weekends because there are always guests . By contrast there is my dads mum , she never bothered with any of her sons children and as a child it hurt me a lot to see her running after her daughters kids and spoiling them while the rest of us hardly saw her . So when all of her grandchildren were grown up , we didn't have a relationship with her and we were not bothered to visit her or write , she died a lonely bitter old woman

tinysock · 15/02/2012 13:14

OP it sounds like you're really missing your husband. You sound a bit lost without him.

OTTMummA · 15/02/2012 13:24

Mindy, your sons daughters acutally have more of your genes passed to them then your other grandchildren, not that is should matter, just thought i would point that out.

FetchezLaVache · 15/02/2012 13:47

Pop round, take cake, apologise, start again! Your dil (who sounds lovely) has been holding out so many olive-branches to you, I really think you ought to take one before she decides to withdraw them and the only offer of an olive branch you ever get off her again involves your rectum.

tinysock · 15/02/2012 13:58

OTTMumma, you've got to post that on the random fact thread. That's brilliant. How d'you know that? Is it biology A level or something?

troisgarcons · 15/02/2012 14:00

Mindy, your sons daughters acutally have more of your genes passed to them then your other grandchildren, not that is should matter, just thought i would point that out.

Cries laughing

boschy · 15/02/2012 14:01

OTTMummA I am now feeling very slightly depressed about that fact...!

YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 14:04

see, I always thought that psychologically a mother would prefer her Daughter's offspring because with a DIL there might always be that lingering doubt about whether her son really did father the children - a la Jeremy Kyle!

OTTMummA · 15/02/2012 14:07

troi, the feeling is mutual, i laugh my head of at your absurd posts when i am unfortunate enough to post on the same thread, glad you find my post amusing, only thing is, my post isn't a steaming pile of Shite.

charitygirl · 15/02/2012 14:19

LOL at OTTmumma - seconded.