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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 11:11

So what about the poor sons? Who do they get priority with? Say they have no sisters?

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 11:12

OP why have you been ignoring peoples questions?

I am particularly interested in your statement I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs

Why do you believe its "natural" to do more with your daughters children rather than your sons? Its like you saying your son is second best to your daughter, never mind their children!

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 11:13

And BTW, my brother's child has two half sisters from her mother's previous relationships. My parents treat them exactly the same as their blood grandchild.

Just saying.

melika · 15/02/2012 11:14

I know it's not fair, not condoning it at all. We DILs have to put up with it. FIL is hopeless and indifferent too.

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 11:14

Melika "But I'm afraid DDs do get priority with moms, it's just nature, isn't it?"

What on earth do you mean? Are you saying its "nature" to care more about a DD than a DS! Thats complete crap.

tinysock · 15/02/2012 11:14

The OP obviously isn't reading or answering anyone's questions, very odd.

{Takes deep breath and braces self for vitriolic wrath}

I wonder if maybe she is reading but doesn't know how to reply - there's some pretty heavy stuff in here. Maybe she hoped for constructive criticism, you know 'knock on the door next time you're on way to your daughters, take her a bunch of flowers, apologise and say you'd love to help, or just spend time with her and the baby'.

But she got 9 pages of, erm, non constructive criticism

{slinks off to find poster with fire proof welding helmet to find out where to get her own one from}

DavidaCottonmouth · 15/02/2012 11:17

YABVU. And you are spending far too much time with your DD. She needs to make friends her own age.

Do you think she feels sorry for you being on your own and is having you around to keep you company, rather than the other way around?

I think your DIL is probably not that bothered about the situation, but just making a factual observation.

melika · 15/02/2012 11:21

It happens, shit happens.
I am one of many on here, it has happened to.

Shall we vote on it?

Maiavan · 15/02/2012 11:22

I am so sure this thread is BS. I would prefer not to believe there are people who would even have a thought like this.

ranteetheranter · 15/02/2012 11:26

Well at least my mil has the decency not to pretend we have a relationship and stays away completely. God I never thought my mil would sound good next to an op.

Kayano · 15/02/2012 11:41

I REALLY want to know what your SON thinks!!!

CremeEggThief · 15/02/2012 11:42

I have a horrible MIL, who has only ever bothered with DS (her only GC) sporadically and when she feels like it throughout DS's 9 years. He is old enough now to see her for what she is. Is this how you want things to become with your GC? It may be too late, but you should be bending over backwards to try to improve your relationships with your son and his family. Sadly, I doubt you will do what you should.

Original poster
Mindymum · 15/02/2012 11:52

Hi, I'm back. I've have only just logged back on since yesterday so have not been ignoring your comments. Thank you for all your private messages too. I will try to be as clear as possible.

My dil and I have spoken about her relationship with her mother. She has given me basic info on why they don't get on but not everything. In all fairness, her mother is a difficult woman. I don't think my dil has issues with people particularly and I don't think she is trying to upset things on purpose.

I am fond of her, maybe I could make more of an effort with my gc. I admit that I do see my dd more then any of my other dc because I find her the easiest to get on with. I certainly don't prefer one set of gc over the others.

My sons dc are all his, no dc from previous relationships. I also am listening to what you're all saying and realise that I need to look at things from my dil point of view. I have on a couple of occasions invited all my dc over for tea to see my older parents and she's been the only one to make the effort to come.

It may sound that we have an awful relationship but I don't feel we do, we do have a laugh. But I don't feel I'm necessarily the doting gp she wants me to be. When I do visit my dd I'm not constantly baking with her dc and taking them out and they very rarely come to mine.

OP posts:
Pinkglow · 15/02/2012 11:54

My MIL is lovely and looks after DS two days a week while I work but I remember some really odd statements coming from my own mother when I was pregnant.

she kept saying things like 'oh Im the Maternal grandmother so I will of course be seeing more of your DS' or 'your MIL will never love your DS as much as me since IM the MATERNAL granmother'

I felt really sorry for my MIL as she has two sons plus I wonder what my DM will do if my brother ever has kids of his own.

Really werid some people (looking at my DM and the OP)

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 11:54

melika is taht to me? I have no doubt "shit happens" but am still interested in why you seem to think its "nature" to care more about a DD than a DS? Or have I picked you up wrong?

I am not denying some women are like OPs MIL but this is them, not nature.

Kayano · 15/02/2012 11:55

What does your SON think op? Does he feel you favour your dd and her kids over him and his kids?

areyoumad · 15/02/2012 11:56

Agree with everyone else and YABU, but also agree with tinysock about constructive critism as well.

Was the argument you had a serious one, or just a crossing of words? if not so serious maybe you could pop round as suggested with some flowers and a pack of biscuits and say hello and see if any help is needed with anything.

If four GC are too much as they are all noisy (My MIL now struggles with all the Great GC together as they are just to much now they are in their 80's - MIL not GGC Grin ) what about taking a couple of them out one day and the others another day? you don't say how old they are specifically, other than a small baby and older ones, what about finding out when babies nap time is and then offering to take the older ones off DIL to the park so DIL can have an hours peace maybe?

It is sad that DIL doesn't have a good relationship with her mum, but that's completely irrelevant to you, you need to make sure your relationship improves and only you can start building bridges on it. Do not leave it to late, my Grandma cut me out about 5 years ago, and hadn't been great for years, not for any particular reason that I can see, she's just a bit odd (none of the family see my dad, so her son), but she's heard on the grapevine that I'm trying for a family and is now interested again, in my opinion it's too little to late so have ignored the approaches.

Original poster
Mindymum · 15/02/2012 11:56

My son is very rarely at home when I visit, I tend to go in the daytime so he's usually at work. When he is there, he's quite often in the garden with the kids or pottering about. He never visits me alone, neither does my other son. But they do come with my dil's. They are always happy to chat but it's never deep and meaningful and they'll ask me to stay for dinner, so they don't ignore me.

OP posts:
dinkystinkyexpectations · 15/02/2012 11:56

OP - you are being off the scale unreasonable here. While DIL is not of your bloodline, she is your family - and her children are your grandchildren too. Why shouldnt they have a close loving relationship with you (especially as their grandfather is no longer around), their grandmother - just like your other grandchildren are enjoying? For that to happen, you have to be in their lives.

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 11:56

Omg from your posts you sound utterly vile OP. I hope this is a reverse AIBU for your ds and dgc's sake (and your dil- who sounds lovely btw). Trust me when i say that this will backfire on you sprctacularly when your dgc see you for the cold hearted bitch your posts suggest you are.

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 11:56

Omg from your posts you sound utterly vile OP. I hope this is a reverse AIBU for your ds and dgc's sake (and your dil- who sounds lovely btw). Trust me when i say that this will backfire on you sprctacularly when your dgc see you for the cold hearted bitch your posts suggest you are.

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 11:58

So if you dont prefer one set of GCs over another why do you believe its natural to do more with your DDs children rather than your DSs as you stated in your OP?

Original poster
Mindymum · 15/02/2012 11:59

We haven't had a huge fall out, I will apologise and explain a bit when I see her.

OP posts:
Groovee · 15/02/2012 12:02

I think your dd takes the pee out of you. You go round and do all these things and I bet she sits with her feet up! You're enabling her to not do things. She needs to get on with it without you doing things she could do but chooses not to.

Invite your other grandchildren round to yours and bake with them. Even if you can't manage all 4, maybe one to one time or 2 at a time would be a godsend to your DIL. My MIL has her grandsons weekly while mine tend to get once a month unless I've got lots of hospital appointments. But she's very equal with them.

Original poster
Mindymum · 15/02/2012 12:03

My dil was probably closer to my dh then me and now he's not here it's quite obvious. She has said in the past, how sad she feels that 3 of her dc never met their gf and what a good relationship they would have had. My sons too, may have had a slightly closer relationship with their dad.

OP posts: