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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

331 replies

Mindymum · 14/02/2012 22:18

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

OP posts:
ChickensGoMeh · 15/02/2012 08:39

My paternal grandmother was like this. Now she's old and decrepit and we don't visit her. She's just some random old lady to me

GavisconJunkie · 15/02/2012 08:40

Catsdontcare I said up-thread that this has been v helpful for me. I now realise that whilst utterly awful, my mil isn't actually that unusual (sadly) but it does make me realise that things won't get any better for my dc.

My dd1 is 25 months & I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Dd does not like nanny & the other day when she made a very rare appearance from her nearby lair home dd wanted nowt to do with her; v funny but long back story re something she said.

We're currently visiting my DPArents for a week, we only see them every 3 months & weekly on skype, & my dd has practically forgotten I exist! Cuddling my mum yesterday she said 'you're a wuvwey granny. Nanny is rubbish!'. Very awkward & I felt bad telling her off, like they say, from the mouths of babes...

lurkinginthebackground · 15/02/2012 08:43

YABU
Just because your dil seems to cope doesn't mean she wouldn't like the extra help.

dearjane · 15/02/2012 08:45

Reading this thread makes me v glad to have my lovely pil who treat all 4 gc equally.

My pil have two sons and no daughters and we have always tried to mAke sure that they know they are as important as my
Parents.

boschy · 15/02/2012 08:55

oh and another thing - my 2 are now 15 and nearly 13; they have no interest in seeing PIL because they know they will be told how wonderful their cousins are; how much they have done with the cousins and what a lovely time they had doing it.

we havent seen PIL since Christmas; I mentioned that perhaps we should see them soon and the response from both DDs was 'do we have to?'.

So, OP, you might like to think about that in the context of your relationship with your DS and DIL's children.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/02/2012 08:55

All grandchildren should be treated the same, its not clear if they are all your grandchildren though or some from previous relationships.

However, both sound needy and need to learn how to cope on their own. It was their choice to have so many children so not down to others to look after them.

ssd · 15/02/2012 09:17

op, you are the loser here, not your son's kids, they will grow up with no happy memories of their gran and they won't feel a thing at your funeral sameasminedidnt

carry on, its your loss

Rikalaily · 15/02/2012 09:18

You know what makes this even more sad? Your DIL might not be coping as well as you think she is. After my third child I got severe PND due to her traumatic birth. On the outside everything was normal, better than normal, I went overboard cleaning the house etc, making sure everything was perfect for everyone else because on the inside I was crumbling, I felt like a failure and I didn't want anyone else thinking I was a bad mum and partner. My family don't live close enough to be an every day help and ex PIL had never bothered to help out, so I had to cope, I didn't have any other choice. No-one knew anything was wrong, apart from my HV who spotted my fake smiles and the grief in my eyes.

Things are not always as they seem, because of your lack of attention and support your DIL could be struggling but managing to hold everything together, because she has no other choice. Not everyone falls apart on the outside when they feel like they are dying inside, some of us mask it very well because we have no-one's shoulder to cry on or offer a helping hand.

This thread has brought back some very sad times for me and probably alot of other people. You are a very selfish woman, you don't deserve your family at all :(

GandTiceandaSprout · 15/02/2012 09:21

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runningwilde · 15/02/2012 09:38

I wish I could like all the posts telling the op how horrid she is!

theITgirl · 15/02/2012 09:39

Am appalled. Contrast this with the past few days here. My MIL came to visit for the weekend (Fri-Sun). MIL took the kids to the science museum on Saturday and we all went out for a meal that evening, Sunday was a lazy day MIL did crafty stuff with the kids while I cooked the roast. DH was out all morning catching up on chores, so I spend a lot of time with her. This is not a problem as I like her and the kids adore her.

Also got a call from Step-MIL as she managed to get a day off on Tuesday and did we want to meet up. So yesterday while DH & FIL were at work we went to Warwick Castle for the day (I have 6 days left on the Merlin passes) and she has been wanting to do Warwick Castle for ages. Had an absolutely fantastic day.

Background MIL has 1 daughter & 2 sons all with children, SIL lives abroad so unfortunately spends less time with those GC, but those GC come over in the summer for a week & MIL goes to visit them at least once a year. She has good relationships with both DIL's and in spite of living the other side of the country will always come over for the weekend and babysit etc if needed.

Step-MIL has been around for years so very much included. Has had another two children both married but no DC yet. Yet she has been so good to the existing GC that I cannot see her favouring any new GC though she obviously has a closer relationship with her own children than her step-children (there is a large age-gap).

My parents are less involved, they live the furthest away and do not like leaving the dog. Dog is unfortunately not welcome because we have a cat. We do go and see them for a long weekend etc. So I am so glad that my MIL's do not have the OP's attitude.

BTW going to spend the day with my SIL tomorrow. Very glad I have nice IL's

EmmaCate · 15/02/2012 09:40

I'm kind of bothered by my post. If you really are the MIL I think you should feel very grateful to have a DIL who wants you in her life so much. I feel a bit bad now about my MIL; she is so kind to my DH and I, and I should initiate more calls to her than I do. I have a DS and am ready to back off when he marries/gets a long term partner, because I understand that it's normal for most women to want to 'set up' their household and order their family life according to their wishes. I'll wait to be asked for advice from his DP/DW (my PIL are a little enthusiastic, and my MIL, although lovely, does still very much mother my DH - she told him (age 38) to make sure he took a warm coat on his visit to Prague).

So anyway, now I tend to leave the PIL chats to my DH; my FIL never comes on the phone when I pick up and have a chat with MIL, but as soon as DH comes on he's there, so I know at least FIL broadly only has time for his own offspring! I think it's normal to a degree but never to the detriment of the GC and also never if your SIL/DIL reaches out to you for the relationship. I'd be so happy if that happened to me, but I'd never favour the children of my DS/DD differently if it didn't.

Mrsgradgrind · 15/02/2012 09:47

What a horrible attitude to take OP!
To add to what has alreDy been said - I have 3 boys, and what you seem to be saying is that when they have children I shall be less of a GM to them than their maternal GM will because they are "only" my sons" children. How ridiculous.
Oh and Trois Garcons - I have a "bad relationship" with my parents by dint of them having been dead 30 years - bet you wouldn't want to touch me with a bArge pole either? For which I say, thank fuck, because you sound like a very mean-spirited person.

StrandedBear · 15/02/2012 09:50

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coraltoes · 15/02/2012 09:51

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messymammy · 15/02/2012 09:56

I'm still trying to believe this is real! Your poor dil.
Why don't you send her to mumsnet so we can tell her not to bother with you?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/02/2012 09:59

What StrandedBear said!

This post is unbelievable...

laptopwieldingharpy · 15/02/2012 10:05

OP did you talk to your MIL to tell her how you feel and more importantly what its doing to her Relationship with her grand children?

What does your DH say?

nancerama · 15/02/2012 10:05

I think your attitude towards your grandchildren, and your son stinks.

I have an excellent relationship with my mother. I see her a couple of times a week and my 8 month old adores her. I feel so sad though that DS doesn't have any relationship at all with his other grandmother. She has seen him just once, and has never even cuddled him. I feel sad for DS and DH that she wants nothing to do with our family.

In our case, MIL has remarried and has rejected all her own kids and grandchildren in favour of her new husband's family. I don't understand how anyone can be that way.

badtasteflump · 15/02/2012 10:06

OP If you're still here and if this is genuine...

I'm interested to know what was said by both of you in the 'bit of an argument' and how it was left.

YABU btw.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:10

YABU. And don't think your son doesn't notice and feel your favouritism.

peppercold · 15/02/2012 10:34

The OP obviously isn't reading or answering anyone's questions, very odd.

pranma · 15/02/2012 10:40

This is difficult-not as straightforward as it seems. If your d-i-l had a close relationship with her own mum it would be different but this is about the dgc surely. I have step gc and blood gc. I will admit here that I am more closely bonded to dd's DC but that is partly because they are the only ones who live near enough for regular childcare. I see them all whenever possible and would never allow any of them to feel hard done by. My DS lives in turkey and if they asked me to fly over to babysit dgd for a weekend then I'd be on the first flight. YABU

startail · 15/02/2012 11:05

UAB very U
Why on earth is your daughters child more important than your sons?

You should help both your DCs families equally and treat all your grand children the same. Their relations with other family members are nothing to do with it.

melika · 15/02/2012 11:07

Now DMIL is no longer with us, I can safely say I never took advantage of her and took her for granted. She was not malicious in any way, just naive, she couldn't see 'certain' family members who took her for all they could. They wore her out. Sadly, my Mom had health issues, so never asked her for help.

It was other family members who 'worked' it so their children got the most care, attention, money spent on them etc. It makes me angry now to this day.

But I'm afraid DDs do get priority with moms, it's just nature, isn't it?