Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 19:01

Thank you for the flowers sarah Smile

OP posts:
MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 15/02/2012 19:07

It is not unreasonable for MissSayuri to expect some consideration of her feelings from her DD. She's not a baby, she's a young adult. 16 year olds can be self absorbed but it doesn't DD's disregard for her mum's achievement less painful or right.

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/02/2012 19:12

I think it is a bit rude to assume most of the people who disagree about the importance of the ceremony don't know what a PhD entails. I have supported my husband through 5 years so far and it looks like another 2 to go. I have proofread grant proposals, watched his presentations and added constructive criticism, graded papers for his classes when his work load was too great. I know only too well what a load of beurocracy, fact, time and slog has been involved to get to this stage. I will most definitely attend his defence which to me is the important bit... the bit where he presents his research to all his peers and is told he has passed.

The ceremony in the gown is a celebration for all the graduates... not just him. I don't feel at all guilty for choosing to skip that.

olgaga · 15/02/2012 19:13

She is 17, the festival was in the diary first, and apart from the fact that she wants to go, perhaps she also feels it's important not to change the commitment she has made with her dad. Especially as he has made it clear to her that he feels your studies are a waste of time. What a horrible position she has been placed in.

As you're still around, OP, I'd be interested in your comments in response to the above point I made. I know you have made it clear that you have no problem with the time your DD spends with him. But do you have any comment at all on the fact that she has a prior arrangement, with him, which she may feel is difficult to break?

She is obviously going to think he will not be best pleased. How do you feel about expecting her to break this longstanding commitment to spend time with him?

I don't think this is about her selfishness at all, actually. I think it's about her being in a very awkward position, and being forced to disappoint one of you whatever she does.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 19:21

The only way I can answer that is to put myself in the reverse position. If she was at the festival with me and her dad had a one off important event that he wanted her at I would make the compromise, and encourage her to do the same. There have been times, in the earlier teen years where she has not wanted to see her dad on a Saturday as she wanted to see her pals instead but I have encouraged her to make the effort to keep a close relationship with him as it's important. Also over the years there have been family parties etc which she has not been part of as she has been with her dad on that particular night. This is what happens regularly when parents aren't together. It's pretty normal for us.

OP posts:
SarahSlaughter · 15/02/2012 19:58

One of the things I love about MN is the access to perspectives so different from my own.

Dandelionss do you really expect nothing from your children? I expect loads from mine. I expect them to be beautifully behaved at their Grandmother's birthday tea at the weekend, I expect them to behave well at boring relatives houses where there are no toys and the conversation is not child centred. I expect them to help me round the house in an age appropriate way, I expect them to work hard at school and at the two very boring to them family weddings we will be attending this year I expect them to wear appropriate clothes, sit quietly in church, eat the food provided and speak nicely to lots of relatives.

My children are 4 years old.

By 16 I would expect that they were able to understand how important this event is to their mother and negotiate an appropriate compromise with their father. If they couldn't/ chose not to do those things, I'd be every bit as disappointed as the OP.

16 is not that young by the way, she could legally leave home and get married without her parents permission for goodness sake.

dandelionss · 15/02/2012 20:57

Sarah- you are misquoting me.I didn't say in expected nothing from my children, I said I expected nothing IN RETURN for the love and care I bestow on them ie they owe me nothing!!
Why does the OP want her daughter there so much, why does she need her to be proud of her.I find it a rather worryingingly needy frame of mind

landrover · 15/02/2012 21:12

But the festival will be OVER when the op is graduating!!!!!! So the daughter can easily go! She wont be letting her dad down!!!

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 15/02/2012 21:25

I have said it before and I will say it again. It is not realistic to expect someone to sit through a graduation ceremony at 10am the day after a festival (even if she is picked up after the band on Sunday).

landrover · 15/02/2012 21:48

Why is it not realistic?

desperatenotstupid · 15/02/2012 21:55

Congratulations and well done on getting your PhD, i have to say that i think you are being a teensy bit unfair, graduation ceremonies are just so boring, i actually took a book with me when i graduated with my PhD because i remember just how bored i was. Maybe have a celebratory dinner another time.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 15/02/2012 22:20

If her weekend is anything like the festivals I used to go to it will go a bit like this.

Arrive early on Thursday (after rubbish nights sleep due to excitement and early rise). After long walk with heavy rucksack set up camp. Go to bed late, 1am ish and struggle to sleep because the crowds are yelling bollocks and the only sound proofing you have is the canvas of your tent.

Wake up at 6am on Friday because the sunlight is very bright through the canvas. Stay up till 1am again (very hard to sleep because festivals are so noisy). Wake up at 6am on Sat.

Saturday night will be the same in bed by 1am at earliest and awake by 6am.

Just the lack of sleep is exhausting but you also have to walk miles everyday and do lots of dancing. Plus the showers are virtually unusable so the last time she will have showered will be early Thursday morning.

It sounds like the plan would be to pick her up after the last band on Monday night. Band finishes at 11pm (this is optimistic). It will take at least 45 minutes to get from the arena to her tent and there will be a mad crush of people.

She will need to get her stuff and walk out of the camping area to a road to be picked up. Again being optimistic this will take 45 minutes.

So she will be picked up at 12.30am at the very earliest. It will then take 1 hour to get home and she will need a shower when she gets in at 1.30am. So the earliest she will be in bed after an exceptionally exhausting weekend is 2am.

Not sure what time she will need to get up at for the ceremony but probably 7am.

Am just remembering how shattered I was after each festival I went to, I always took 2 days off work to recover and could have done with longer.

BeeWi · 15/02/2012 22:22

I haven't read all 12 pages of the thread but I was really taken aback by the level of bitchiness in some of the earlier posts.

OP, I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable to feel let down; it's a huge day for you, a culmination of a lot of hard work and it's understandable to want to share it with your nearest and dearest. I would have found it especially disappointing had I tried to compromise and find a way around transport issues in the way you have.

I think it may be one of those things that your daughter looks back on and regrets a few years down the track. Last year I was at my husband's parents' house and saw a photo of her in her gown along with her husband and my brother in law. I asked my husband why he wasn't in the pictures. Apparently he'd got drunk the night before and missed his train to get to the ceremony. He looked crushed when he admitted that and you could see the guilt that he still feels at missing what was a huge day for his mum. He would have been around 18 or 19 when she graduated and he still feels bad about missing what was an important occasion for his mum now that he's 33. Obviously a different circumstance but can't help feeling your daughter is going to feel similarly selfish and regretful when she's older.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 22:33

Thanks whenshewasbad but I have been to many festivals, I know what happens. I'm afraid that excuse doesn't wash, she regularly stays up until 3 or 4 watching crap on telly on a Friday night or has friends over chatting til the wee hours and still manages to get up for her 9 hour shift at work on the Saturday. Teenagers are machines, in comparison to old dinosaur me at least...The point is, just this once I'd like her to think of what her actions would mean to another person in the family. It's not being selfish to hope someone else will be selfless.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 15/02/2012 22:44

I've followed this thread throughout and after reading your last posts OP i now feel a bit Meh.
I think you are kidding yourself if you think PHD status is what a teenage child wants her mum to be aiming for throughout her teenage years.
Jeez, it's bad enough when the eternal students is one's partner. There were many times in the years DH was studying I would have prefered to have him (in the present) and not this "When I finish, we'll do..." person.
This PHD isn't the be all and end all.
Maybe your daughter sees this even if you don't.
She doesn't want to go.

olgaga · 15/02/2012 22:48

MissSayuri I am actually asking you to put yourself in her position, not her dad's.

She has a longstanding arrangement with her dad to go to a music festival. You now want her to do something with you the day after at 10am, and curtail her weekend to do it - because in truth I don't think it's feasible to expect her to be scrubbed up for a 10am ceremony the morning after an all-weekend music festival.

Whatever decision she makes, one of her parents is going to be disappointed. That makes it an extremely difficult decision. It's not about her being selfish, it's actually about her being in a real dilemma, because she has to consider you both and choose one of you, and disappoint the other.

I don't really think it is reasonable of you to feel "let down" by her. I think you are underestimating the difficulty of her position.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 22:50

So KittyFane were you resentful of your DH for educating himself? Isn't that selfish?

OP posts:
TartyMcFarty · 15/02/2012 22:54

I don't understand why you're putting your DD in the position of parent here. I mean, obviously you'll cherish her graduation day as her proud mum, but you can't honestly expect her to feel the same enthusiasm in the reverse situation - it's just not the same emotional investment.

Why can't you be happy taking your DP and a parent or close friend?

KittyFane · 15/02/2012 23:09

So KittyFane were you resentful of your DH for educating himself? Isn't that selfish?

It's a battle of priorities.
There is often a price to pay for the years of unpaid or low paid study.
Especially when the student has dependents.

KittyFane · 15/02/2012 23:10

The price being both time and money BTW.

KittyFane · 15/02/2012 23:14

Sometimes it's ok to address rather than deflect criticism.

Just saying.

TheCraicDealer · 15/02/2012 23:19

OP has also said that her DD wasn't there for either her undergrad or postgrad graduations. Maybe she was too young or whatever, but it's possible that she just doesn't realise that her mum really, really wants her there for this particular one.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 23:20

Forgive me, but I could tell by your post that you have a problem with further education. I naturally assumed your criticism of me was unbalanced, based on your obviously unhappy experience of your OH wanting to better himself.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 15/02/2012 23:27

:o My job is in education! My DH's job is in education!

I have a problem with people who take themselves too seriously.
Be proud of your achievements but don't make others feel bad if they don't see it as being hugely important.

KittyFane · 15/02/2012 23:28

'it' being a PHD.