To feel really let down by dd.

[MissSayuri]

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

landrover, I'm with you, I completely agree!

Are you for real?

Sorry graduation ceremonies are deadly boring.

I'm sure she's proud of you, but why would she want to miss the music festival?

First of all, massive congratulations on your achievement! And it is an achievement ( I know, because I have one too ).

Please do not let this affect your day. My two came to the ceremony but moaned about it. They were younger mind (early teens and preteen) but really the ceremony was for me..in retrospect.

Go with your DP, big smile when they read out your thesis title (they did this at my Uni in Australia) and step forward proudly to receive your certificate. I was treated like a VIP for my ceremony. People were there to gown us and treat us with such respect. 'Twas lovely...sigh..It is all about you...no one else.

Go out for a meal later on in the week with your DD. Don't make her feel guilty at all. Please. Let it go.

And again, well done!!!!

MissSayuri in similar circumstances (a momentous occasion, very public and significant acheivement) we wanted our sons to be there (aged 20 and 22). They stayed for a short time then left, missing out on the photo-taking. We felt disappointed but there was no point in trying to reason with them or keep them there if they didn't want to be. Like taking a reluctant teen on a holiday when they don't want to go, they make it miserable for everyone else.

I feel for you and understand where you are coming from. From the heart I'd say, let it go - don't even try discussing it this week. She is not going to change her mind over it. I would push the boat out and celebrate with indulging in nice hotel, lovely meal type celebration though. Enjoy your day, you've worked hard and deserve it.

Congrats. I didn't get mine only an MPhil and couldn't face the ceremony.
I absolutely appreciate the amount of work, but your DD probably doesn't.
Graduations themselves are very long and boring, she wouldn't be impressed

YANBU- it's important for teenagers to think of other peoples' achievements and happiness as well as just their own, and this is a big achievement and you are her mum. so what if it's boring? We all endure boring things that bring pleasure to other people at various times in our lives. It's not as if you are asking her to miss the whole festival- just the final night. She is being selfish.

I was reflecting on this thread again.

Obviously not knowing the Ops full home circumstances, there might be a whole host of parents and/or siblings who would leap at the chance to be supportive - but I was reflecting back a couple of years when something VERY IMPORTANT happened to US. Obviously DH and I were utterly excited happy but at the same time we had no one, absolutely no one to tell and share it with.

I can put myself in the Ops shoes, to have something so very important that has taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears to achieveand to look across from the stage and just realise that the one person you would want to share something with isn't there because something else is more important, would be utterly heartbreaking and make the whole day tinged with sadness.

But of course we live in a me me me culture where the individual is always right.

I'd be interested to read responses if this were a flipped thread, daughter posting that her mother had something more important to attend than a graduation.

You are the grown up here. Yes, you can probably exert some moral blackmail so that she attends - but do you really want her to come on that basis?
Also sounds like the ex is 'stirring the pot' here.
I agree with all those posters who say that it's just a ceremony, boring for most, and not a big deal in the scheme of things. You have the PHD, that's what matters - and congratulations!

My parents didn't come to my graduation. In fact I think they were a bit surprised that I was going. It didn't bother me. dh's family were there and very proud about the whole thing, took photos etc. It was a big thing for them, and totally unimportant for my parents (possibly because dh is the first in his family to go to university, whereas it was an expectation in mine). They didn't come to my Masters graduation either. dh did, and was proud for me. We didn't go to his though. My feeling on this one is that if you didn't tell your dd that it was really important to you then I'm not sure that you can be upset when she didn't think it was a big deal not to be there. Very easy to get into this sort of situation, and I can understand why you feel a bit sad about it, but I do think it is a bit of an overreaction to feel very let down.

I know the issue is really about wanting your DD to want to attend the ceremony. However, could you possibly consider this as a compromise: arrange a very very special party or meal out - with your daughter there - to celebrate your achievement, some days later - with your DP maybe making a short speech about what an amazing achievement this is.

Instead of sharing your success with the hundreds of other students receiving their certificates at the official ceremony, you would become the centre of attention and you DD would be a witness to this and hear from others who love you - eg DP and friends etc - what a massive achievement this has been. This would be your own special and unique way of celebrating, would allow your DD to be there without a 'conflict of interests', would really 'mark' the significance of the occasion. It would be YOUR PhD party and you could have a decorated cake/balloons etc emblazoned with your success "Dr...."!

If your DD were also able to invite some of her close friends along, it would make the occasion more teenage-friendly but also, sometimes when DCs friends are around, they kind of make DCs 'see' their parents in a better light IYSWIM? If her friends are saying, "Your mum is amazing, isn't she?" then she'll be feeling that even more, too (teenagers are so influenced by their peers). You'll have 'witnesses' to your success that are special and meaningful to you and to her - not just the anonymous crowd at the official ceremony.

Your DP could bring along your certificate too and hand it over again, with his speech. DD could be asked if she also wanted to say anything special to mark the occasion or read a special poem out or something.

You could then also use the opportunity to say a few words yourself, in front of all those who love you, about how proud you are and how happy you are that the support of DD and DP and friends made it more possible for you to pursue this success.

I know this side-steps the issue of wanting DD to be there for the official ceremony but as it neither seems clear whether it's right to say something again to her about it or not, this would be a way of you feeling proactive in creating a special and very personal way of marking, publicly, your amazing achievement.

YABU

Graduations are dull, dull, dull.

Have a family party or meal instead to celebrate

For goodness sake mothers have rights as well. OP don't bother sitting her down for a dramatic chat. Help her pack and let her know that you hope her weekend will be great, that you will miss her at the graduation and you really hope she will change her mind. She can call on the mobile. Keep it simple and short and straight as an arrow without looking for an immediate answer. If she feels guilty? GOOD! She should. If she comes it will make your day. If she does not try and be compassionate - she made a poor call and hopefully will learn from that. And OP , be smug all you want, you are dead right and funny to boot about the ring and the phd and well boody done.

I can't believe some of the selfish replies on this thread! I think most of us would rather go to a festival than a graduation ceremony but that's totally beside the point. I would always prioritise supporting my close family over some recreational activity. It's not like she'd have to miss the whole festival - her dad has offered to drive her back; she'd only miss one night.

"and wrt not doing boring things for your parents I have sat and held my mums hand in the hospital for the entire period my dad was undergoing a bloody triple heart bypass. doesn't mean I'd force dd to come to a smear with me"

yes, because a graduation ceremony is exactly the same as having a smear test. Jesus actual Christ.

I´d rather go to my Mum´s graduation & a meal following that than a music festival with my Dad tbh.

yeh, I was thinking afterwards that maybe I was over-generalising to say 'most people'!. I was so incensed when I wrote my first post that I forgot to mention my own experience - I did go to my mum's graduation ceremony when I was 19 - she'd studied part time for a formal nursing degree for 6 years whilst working as a nurse, and I was burstingly proud of her that day. I don't remember not wanting to go or feeling obliged to attend - it just didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be there.

It didn't, admittedly, clash with a music festival but then neither does the OP's - the daughter would still get to go to most of the festival. Anyway, this is all moot I guess, as the OP quite rightly isn't going to force her daughter to go or emotionally blackmail her into going. I just know I'd feel let down too, in her place.

I don't really see how the daughter is going to be "supporting" her mum at this event. Surely when doing a phd the time when you want and need support is whilst doing it. I've been criticised for saying the OP wants her daughter there purely to clap but I really don't see why the OP wants her there. The daughter has been there whilst her mum struggled through the phd. The OP knows the daughter would rather do something else. Why does she feel her phd ceremony experience will be enhanced by having her daughter there if it isn't to clap and say "well done mum". Phd ceremonies aren't scary, I don't understand why you need supporting.

I can understand she'd feel a bit lonely if she went on her own, but she won't be alone.
If my son chose to recover from a music festival rather than attend a greaduation ceremony for me i wouldn't blame him and would think he had made a wise choice.
To me this thread is about at what age you let children make their own decisions rather than force them or emotionally balckmail them into doing what you want, and I still think the OP wants her daughter there largely to clap and make the moment seem grander for her.

I don't get what's so controversial about the idea that family members might want, of their own accord, to be present at important life events of other family members? I'd have been pretty gutted if my parents hadn't wanted to come to my own graduation ceremony. That wasn't about "making the moment seem grander", but having the people I love with me at a significant time in my life.

It's nothing like that 2rebecca, you really have misinterpreted the whole situation, and if it sounds that way then I haven't expressed myself well enough. I'm not looking for support because I'm frightened or anything, that's a bit of a daft thing to say, I just feel that families should be there for momentous moments in each others lives and I'm disappointed that she hasn't recognised how momentous this is for me. It might not sound momentous to all the naysayers on here who 'didn't bother going to theirs' as that's their choice. I don't need told how boring grad ceremonies are, I know. However, that is besides the point. I'm also well aware how good festivals are when you're 17. The main issue here, for me, is that it would mean a great deal to me for her to be there and sometimes in life we need to do things we don't really want to because it pleases our loved ones. Don't we all do that as wives, partners, daughters, sons etc?

I don't understand the people saying that grad ceremonies are just for the graduand. IME parents and family are often incredibly proud at ceremonies. I work at a uni and sit on stage during ceremonies, and you can see grannies, aunts, fathers, siblings in the audience craning to see their family member. The whole thing is generally feel good experience - yes, the speeches are often boring, but fgs, it's less than 2 hours.

I find weddings deathly dull - similarly, there are speeches, it's very formal/ artificial, and you could argue it only matters to the people getting married, and why don't they just have a party instead. But can you imagine missing a family member's wedding on the grounds that you would be bored??

My parents didn't bother coming to my BA graduation and it did make me sad. My mum came to my PhD grad and I think she was prouder than I was!

tbh a lot of people don't have parties after the viva - I was so bloody exhausted I went home and slept!! The ceremony is a formal occasion to mark the achievement.

I think you've got a rough ride on this thread OP and I agree with the poster who said it'd be interesting if this was a DD posting about her DM prioritising a WI event over her graduation....

Oh and the poster who said a PhD is just a bit of paper - hell's bells!!! So is a marriage certificate or a birth certificate. But, you know, they represent rather a lot more than that. !!!

Oh revoltingpeasant I am so glad you said that about your viva. Party? I went home, cried like a baby and slept for about 16 hours. I was NOT in the party spirit AT ALL. That's just me though, I think I did the same after passing my driving test!

2Rebecca, so given your POV, would you think it okay if your daughter didn't want to come to your wedding (if you remarried) because she wanted to go to a party AFTER a festival?

What do you think your daughter's reaction would be if you said you couldn't go to her wedding because you wanted to go to a party instead?

The problem for the OP is that all this only works if the child actually wants to be there. Even if she persuaded her daughter to be there, it wouldn't be the same. Her daughter has spoiled that for her and at 17, she's old enough to know what a huge achievement a PhD is, particularly when someone hasn't had a regular start in education and has brought up a teenager on her own throughout her studies.

I think many posters don't realise how much work goes into a PhD and how well the OP has managed bringing up a daughter on her own from such a young age (20).

'I think many posters don't realise how much work goes into a PhD '

I did suggest waaaay back that the daughter might be all to well aware of how much work a PhD requires, and possibly resent the time her single parent has spend doing it. DH has one in a very obscure area of interest, done pre-children. He did it for himself, it has benefited no one but him.
I don't think the OP responded to my original post.
Maybe DD thinks you did it for yourself and really isn't that bothered.

I think it's different for parents of the Student. DH and I were very proud of DD1 and were pleased to support her at both her Graduations. But neither she or I minded that her sisters didn't go in fact she thought they might be bored. DD2 is graduating this year and again DH and I will be very proud of her and pleased to support her. I know you want your DD there and I'm sure she would go if she didn't already have a festival booked. But even if you do pick her up early she will be exhausted from the festival and not really in a fit state to attend a graduation.