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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt. Sad

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 13:01

That's a bit of an over-reaction. Confused
I should have stuck to 'YANBU hun, and your DD is an ungrateful biatch' perhaps?
To avoid being labelled as a SM hater who wants to keep the underclasses down? It was a suggestion as to why her daughter might not feel like going to the ceremony, not a Conservative party policy statement.

Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 13:02

'I don't get children's resentment against mums doing something like this for themselves. Esp not teen children.'

Are you then denying that the possibility of such resentment may exist in some teenagers, because you don't get it?

CurrySpice · 15/02/2012 13:10

Sadly dust it wasn't just you

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 15/02/2012 13:19

Congratulations MissSayuri Smile

YANBU. Being a family is about sometimes putting someone else's needs/wants above your own and that cuts both ways.

Staying on for a few extra parties after the festival has ended in no way compares to a ceremony to receive your PhD. She will grow up and realise that. I think that I might have been a bit more er direct with her Grin

There's no way I would have missed being there for either my Mum, Dad's or sister's award ceremonies because that's part of the glue that binds you together.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 14:12

Oh please let's not start on the underclasses dustinthewind Hmm

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 14:24

No, let's not.

ohmygosh123 · 15/02/2012 16:10

Imagine that you had booked a festival with your daughter to enjoy together, and your ExH wanted you to bring her back early for some reason that was important to him (that you didn't respect) and that you didn't know about when you booked and paid for the festival. You had taken time off work etc etc, everything was planned and you had been talking about it for ages and she was really excited.

I understand that your graduation ceremony is important to you - but if that was the case then you should have found out about what dates it was likely to fall on (they tend to be a similar time every year) and have said something before they booked the festival. (I did that before I booked our summer holiday for DH's graduation.) She's made a commitment - and she is going to hack one parent off whatever she does - what if she goes and her Dad sulks because she is leaving early? You can argue that she would have expected you to have told her the dates or found them out if there was a chance of it conflicting. Then she could have made a genuine choice to go to the festival or not go this year because it is likely it will clash with Mum's graduation.

If I was your daughter, I would be making a big fuss of you the day your viva was over and again when you got the piece of paper authenticating it. But I wouldn't like being stuck in the middle of two parents with conflicting views. Maybe your DP can drop a hint, and they can plan something nice for you all as a family to celebrate.

mamalovesmojitos · 15/02/2012 16:18

MissSayuri congratulations!

YANBU. At all. This is close to, if not, the biggest day of your life. I know that if dd does not come in the end you will be upset but you will accept it with grace.

Can I just say that I have huge admiration for what you've achieved. You sound like a fantastic mother. I am in a similar position to you in the start of your journey. I find your story extremely inspiring and it has lifted my spirits today. Maybe I can go on to achieve more, make my dreams come true, even though I am a lp with little support.

Thank you! Heartfelt congratulations. Wishing you the best for your very bright future. Smile.

basic · 15/02/2012 16:25

Graduations are boring - if you make her feel she has to be there and it is boring then you will end up feeling worse wont you? Yes feel miffed but don't let it spoil your few moments - it's a far bigger deal having the paper in your hand than the ceremony itself.

dandelionss · 15/02/2012 16:43

YABU your post has made me sad actually.I think you are being tremendously selfish and not understanding the parent/child relationship.It is your job to make sacrifices to support your DD .It is not the child's job to support the parent Sad

mrsjay · 15/02/2012 16:49

why shouldnt a child support a parent and she is 17 and its a graduation she is hardly a little girl or having her mums problems on her shoulders , I am really [shocked] at how some people think its ok for older and almost adult children to behave like this ,

landrover · 15/02/2012 17:07

It does make me worry when people treat children as if they are allowed to be selfish and badly behaved "because they are young" Whats all that about?
The OP is celebrating a HUGE occasion!
The daughter isnt going to miss the festival! Just the last night when there is no music (and everybody sets their tents on fire apparently!)
She should behave in a manner that is expected of a 16/17 year old, she s not a baby for goodness sake! Im amazed at the people saying because the graduation is boring she shouldnt have to go!!! Amazing

handbagCrab · 15/02/2012 17:17

I went to my dads graduation when I was 15. I was so proud of him, he was the first person in our family to go to university. I don't remember the ceremony being so boring it completely destroyed my teenage years.

Ive been to friends's graduation ceremonies & watched a friend get their phd online as we couldn't be there. I was so proud & pleased for them all.

I can't believe so many posters on here think achieving qualifications is run of the mill and sitting for 2 hours to watch your own mum receive an amazing qualification is not worth missing a piss up in a field for.

dandelionss · 15/02/2012 17:17

I do everythimg I do for my children because I am their mother, not because I expect anything in return.

HardCheese · 15/02/2012 17:41

MissSayuri, I think you sound utterly admirable, and congratulations on your doctorate. (I too went home, cried for an hour and then fell asleep after my viva - we had to do them in subfusc, so I woke up from a horrible nightmare I was being strangled by my academic gown...)

I don't think you are in the least unreasonable to feel hurt. Yes, some PhDs don't attend their own degree ceremonies, and yes, they are often as dull as ditchwater, but the importance placed on such events is entirely your prerogative. Like RevoltingPeasant, I'm an academic, so sit on a lot of stages during degrees ceremonies, and despite how often I do it (and if you think attending your family's conferring ceremonies is dull, spare a thought for those of us who do it several times a year!), and am often touched at how proud people's families are, especially those of mature students, or people who approached a degree via a non-trad route.

I'm not sure there's anything you can really do at this point about your daughter not attending your ceremony, as I know it won't be the same if she agrees to come now, or you perceive she's doing it on sufferance. Allow yourself to feel hurt, but be terribly proud of yourself on the day, because you deserve it.

diddl · 15/02/2012 18:05

She´s 17-hardly a child, really!

And old enough to stay up to all hours partying by the sounds of things-albeit with her dad!

I think she´s selfish to put partying above going with her mum.

Annunziata · 15/02/2012 18:07

I think your DD is being completely selfish and I cannot believe the attitudes of some people on this thread.

Congratulations.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 18:17

Thank you all for the words of support. I'm slightly taken aback at being labelled 'tremendously selfish' and 'not understanding the parent child relationship' by dandelionss. I think that's a tad strong, and might be applicable had I laid down the law and said 'you're coming and that's that' but this is not the case. My dd and I are in every other respect very close and always have been, I'm insulted that anyone would use this example to suggest my understanding of my role as a parent is flawed. This has been quite a polarising topic and I'm glad so many people responded as I genuinely, at points in the past week, felt like I was being unreasonable for feeling hurt. I am very proud of my achievement and I wished to share that pride with my daughter as that's what families do.

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 15/02/2012 18:21

YANBU. A Ph.D takes years of hard slog and dedication to achieve. Many students give up. It is an excellent example to set your DD and I'm sure she is proud of you.

In this instance, you have offered to pick her up on the Sunday night. Talk to her, explain just how much it means to you, tell her you expect her there to share your wonderful achievement boring or not. Its not about the actual ceremony, and getting the certificate its the symbolic moment you stand there and are recognised for this massive thing you have done. Tbh if her father wasn't in the equation, you would probably doing just that. If she misses one night of partying, tough. She will have a face on her but she'll have to get over it. This one thing she can do with the woman that has brought her up.

SarahSlaughter · 15/02/2012 18:35

MissSYuri just come back to this thread.

I'm amazed at some of the posts here, some quite unnecessarily harsh.

I'm also quite entertained by the number of posters who seem to think that teenagers shouldn't have to occassionally do something less than exciting but which is important to their family. Would be quite interested to meet their children.

To balance out some of the harshness on this thread have some Thanks in congratulations. You deserve it.

For what it's worth, I have had two of my own graduations and felt similarly about them to the op. I had a fabulous wedding day to my gorgeous DH but that was for us. my graduations were for me and I nearly burst with pride! I wouldn't compare the two days but I get what the op means.

I have also attended a graduation for my DH (then boyfriend) and my sister. I also stood outside of my sister's other ceremony and watched on a screen as I had no ticket. She went on to get a PHd and I would have attended in a shot if it had been at all possible. It's what my family does, support each other.

For all those who think that "teenagers" can't possibly be expected to do anything for anyone else my DSis and I both stood outside my Dad's post grad ceremony (it wasn't televised) waiting for my Mum and Grandpa, so we could all go directly to lunch together. It never occurred to us not to be there for him and I was 16.

Op I'm with you. In families you love, support and understand each other. I'm sorry your DD hasn't chosen to come and fully understand why that makes you sad. You sound like a great Mum to me. Have a lovely day anyway.

landrover · 15/02/2012 18:39

There is no way you are utterly selfish, we try to bring up our children to behave well and do the right things! We should not bring children up to not care about others! Your daughter is old enough to do the right thing, what a load of nonsense from dandilion. Do we not expect our children to support us then?

landrover · 15/02/2012 18:41

Sarahslaughter, you are spot on xxx

Selks · 15/02/2012 18:46

I think those people on here who are saying that you're being smug, OP, are perhaps projecting their own feelings.
I think YANBU to feel a bit hurt.
What to do about it is a tricky one but I do think you should let your DD know that you feel sad about it; but also why not suggest that she thinks of a way that you can all celebrate your achievement when she is back.

Selks · 15/02/2012 18:49

Dandelionss what a ridiculous post. Hmm

dandelionss · 15/02/2012 18:50

Landrover- no it's nice if they do-and we hope we have brought them up that way.But no to expect it is wrong.
Especially as in this case the girl has arranged something special with her dad , you should not be putting her in the position of having to make that decision.It is selfish of you