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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:33

And as I pointed out way back, it was having dd and wanting to better myself that made me go to Uni and do all this in the first instance. She has always been aware that my studies were never 'just for me', but for us as a family and I've spent far more time with her whilst being a student than I ever did when I was working 40 hours a week in the tax office. I don't understand people thinking education detracts from parenting, if anything it's enriched our relationship and I think she's glad she has an educated mother. If you were right, which you're not, that would make it even worse imo. If she resented her own mother for gaining a PhD I'd be seriously worried about her.

OP posts:
sozzledchops · 15/02/2012 10:34

I don't think you can compare a mother or father proudly sitting at graduation ceremony to a 17 yr old child at their parents though obviously it would be nice if the child was there happily. That's what being a parent is about, you shouldn't expect the same from your kids. What if you had 4 or 5 kids, would they all have been able to go or expected to go? Seems sometimes a lot more can be expected from an only child. Yes, yes being a bit selfish and a bit thoughtless but then so are you as you want her to give up something important for her.

Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 10:39

I hope I'm not right, but surely the point of asking the question is to get as many varied responses as possible.
So, are you going to tell her that you are disappointed she doesn't want to be there, and ask her why she doesn't want to be there after her festival?

CotesduRhone · 15/02/2012 10:40

I can completely sympathise with this, to me the PhD grad ceremony is also a much bigger deal than a wedding (speaking as someone currently working on both! Grin) and you have done really really brilliantly.

My own dad got his degree very late in life and I finished my MA dissertation extra early so I could attend (as a surprise) his graduation. However, I was in my thirties at the time and really appreciated what my dad had been through. As a teenager I wouldn't have got it at all.

So I don't think you're remotely BU to be upset about this, and I suspect one of these days your daughter will get it - but not while she's still a teenager.

MASSIVE CONGRATS AND WELL DONE TO YOU! [shouty]

Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 10:41

'She has always been aware that my studies were never 'just for me', but for us as a family'

What benefits can she see from you doing your PhD that will improve your family life? Especially as she's now 17 and possibly off to university herself in a couple of years. And becoming an adult in a year.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/02/2012 10:46

"it was having dd and wanting to better myself that made me go to Uni and do all this in the first instance. She has always been aware that my studies were never 'just for me', but for us as a family"

If she is now 17, she's likely to leave home in the next couple of years so by the time you are working and earning then she may not be at home long so the studying hasnt benefitted her. The quote would make more sense if she was a small child but not really now.

Given you see it as more important than marriage, perhaps she simply doesnt. Not everyone would, marriage vows would be far more important to me and my family than a qualification, not everyone has the same outlook.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:46

At the end of the day, if I was a graduand-zilla (love it!) I'd have said 'you're coming, and that's it'. However I'm not, which is possibly why I've ended up with this dilemma. I gave her the option to come and she can't make it. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not upset, I can't turn off my feelings, we all get upset over different stuff, hell I'm currently not getting AT ALL why the woman on another thread is upset at hubby looking at porn, but that's life. I've gained perspective from the thread, which is what I was looking for. Closer to the time, I'll reinforce that if she wants to come the option of being picked up is still open and that'll be that. I won't offer the ticket to anyone else so that she knows it's her place should she change her mind. Thanks again for the input, some of the comments have been really insightful.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:54

What benefits can she see from you doing your PhD that will improve your family life? Especially as she's now 17 and possibly off to university herself in a couple of years. And becoming an adult in a year.
That's a bit silly. Before I went to uni I was a struggling single mum living slightly above the breadline with zero prospects. My PhD credentials now mean we can go on more holidays, I can afford her driving lessons and I can support her financially through her own University career, something it will give me great pleasure in doing. Parenting/family life doesn't stop at 17. If anything it's more important that I am educated and have financial stabilty now than it did when she was small and didn't understand. She has also learned the value of money as she was never spoiled. The benefits are endless imo.

OP posts:
sozzledchops · 15/02/2012 10:54

hope you have a great day!

CurrySpice · 15/02/2012 11:02

OP I don't think YABU.

If my mom ever had something like this to go to, I would be there like a shot. And I honestly believe I would have too when I was 17

I would want to be there to share her happiness

And what the actual fuck?!? So because the OP is a single parent, her getting an education and bettering herself has had a detrimental effect on her?! Really! What the actual!?! So if she had had a partner it would have been OK? So single parents are supposed to quietly accept their lot and not try to better themselves? It's a bloody good job most of us SPs aren't quite so meek and unambitious for ourselves and our children.

I think the OP has given her DD something really special - a role model and a certain belief that you can do anything if you set your mind to it

Have a wonderful day MissSayuri

Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 11:03

I'm still pleased that the future is looking good, and that you have obtained a job that will enable you to provide extras for your DD in a way that you couldn't do previously.
I'm sorry that you think my alternative suggestions were silly. I've had a lot to do with academics and their children and it is surprising to me how oblivious many of the parents were to the resentment their children had towards them for all the times they were too busy for the mundane bits of parenting. Or the fact that they didn't see the point in studying ohh...um...slug parasites or Burgundian Field systems in the 15th century.
I hope your daughter does come to the ceremony of her own free will.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:07

But aren't full time parents equally in danger of being too busy for the 'mundane bits of parenting'. What difference is studying to working full time, leaving at 6 being dropped off at a nanny and being picked up 6? I fail to see this logic. Heck, during my UG years I was only in uni 3 days a week and studied when she was in bed!

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 11:07

CS, I've been told that one of the many challenges faced by being a SP is that there simply isn't anyone else to pick up the slack when you need another pair of hands, no one to delegate to.
So if you need to work on something for several hours or days, there isn't anyone else to take care of the children whilst you concentrate.
Offering a suggestion about how a child might feel is not always an outright declaration or a soapbox rant about SPs. I think what the OP has done is admirable, and said that in my first post.

Dustinthewind · 15/02/2012 11:10

So OP, YANBU to feel let down by your DD.
Why do you think she isn't as involved as you'd like her to be with your achievement?

sozzledchops · 15/02/2012 11:14

of course full times parents can struggle and my SIL did. She went back and studied for about 5 or 6 yrs when her kids were at the age of about 13 to 18. had a supportive husband but her studies did affect them all and her relationship as she was stressed and found it difficult at times and i wonder if it did have any negative affect on her kids who both ended up dropping out of uni in the end and she is the only one who went on to graduate, not saying that her studying was the reason. She wasn't wrong to do it and it was a wonderful achievement for her but i think she would honestly say that it did come at a cost at the time to her kids and her husband.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 15/02/2012 11:14

Sorry MissSaYuri

I don't think you are being very realistic about the option of her being picked up early Monday morning so she can attend the ceremony later in the day.
I am assuming she will be sleeping in a tent for the festival.

This means she will get too sleep at 2am ish on the Friday and Sat and will wake at 6am because of the bright sunlight. Even if she is responsible oh the Sunday and goes to bed early she will not be able to sleep. Sunday is a massive party night and the noise is exceptional.

If she did agree to come on Monday she would be in a complete state and you will be furious with her for embrassing you on our big day.

Sorry for being very negative on this one. Congratulations and have a great day.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:20

The option was to pick her up on the Sunday night after the bands finish. I know this isn't unreasonable as I've been to this festival loads of times and many people leave on the Sunday and buses are laid on for this reason. The option of picking up on the Monday isn't doable as the ceremony is at 10am and I live at least an hour away from my Uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:27

Sorry, dustinthewind missed your post.
I honestly don't know why she doesn't want to be involved in the day. It's not really like her, we have a very small family, just me, her, my DP, brother and my parents and we always ALWAYS spend xmas, birthdays etc together no matter whose it is. Maybe that's why I'm surprised, I (possibly wrongly) assumed she would be there without question. I guess this is why I'm hurt, possibly my own expectations letting me down. Hmmm.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 15/02/2012 11:28

Don't think I would be in a fit state to attend a graduation ceremony at 10am after leaving a festival late on the Sunday night.

She is not going to enjoy your day. Of course she is going to want to stay for the whole festival. Don't be disappointed in her. She is 17 and has probably been planning her festival weekend for months and months.

CurrySpice · 15/02/2012 11:33

Dustinthewind yes, having to do everything yourself is one of the problems faced by SPs. But that applies to everyday living, not just getting an education.

How do you think SPs go to work? Or care for elderly parents?

As the OP said, she juggled her study round to suit her dd - like we all do as parents (single and otherwise) every day when we work, do housework, go for a wee or whatever.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:44

The single parent aspect is a moot point in this case really. I'm proud of the fact that we (me, my ex, my parents and eventually my DP) have brought my daughter up as a close knit family. We've never relied on external childcare and some of the points made about single parenting, which may well be relevant for others aren't relative to us.

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 15/02/2012 11:48

MissSayuri, it sounds as if you have coped really well with juggling postgrad study and parenthood, and career-wise, you are already reaping the benefits. Good on you.

I do still think you are over-investing a bit in this actual graduation ceremony. They really aren't momentous occasions, they are dull, impersonal and a chore for almost everyone involved. I'm guessing you actually finished your PhD a while ago, too, so the initial excitement I hope your DD shared with you has probably faded into the background somewhat for her.

If I were you, I'd rope her into helping you organise a lovely get-together for you and your family and friends.

CurrySpice · 15/02/2012 12:08

Quite MissSayuri - that's what I was trying to say. Your status as a single parent is irrelevant!

RevoltingPeasant · 15/02/2012 12:41

Curry from the tone of some responses, I think the issue is not single parent but single mother. One PP quoted an absolutely vile response from a teen daughter who said when her mum had finished studying she 'could now get back to being a proper mother' or something. Angry

You know what, my DM started her own tutoring business when I was about 6-7. She taught at nights/ afternoons. We got home from school about 5pm ish after AS activities and she went straight out to work, coming home between 10 and 11. We didn't see much of her during the school term and sometimes I missed her.

But you know, even as a primary school child - seriously - I could appreciate that DM was an educated woman and wanted to earn money too. I don't get children's resentment against mums doing something like this for themselves. Esp not teen children.

CurrySpice · 15/02/2012 12:56

YY and esp not a teen DAUGHTER!

RP I think, sadly you're right :(

I think some people think women in general (and SP in particular) should be barefoot and pregnant at all times and any thought of working or thinking for ourselves is to the detriment of everyone else. Depressing isn't it?