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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit bitter about inheritance

360 replies

ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:07

I had a horrible childhood, and lived in poverty. I won't get an inheritance.

Friends of mine had lovely childhoods, the best education money could buy, and as many boosts as possible to their careers. They are already much more privileged. They don't need any more money now, as their careers are ticking along nicely, and still get parental help when they can't afford a new conservatory or whatever.

Soon enough, their parents will die and leave them with even more money. That they don't need. And so the cycle continues.

I know it is bitter of me, I don't like feeling like this, but it is so unfair. I've had to work so hard to make a success of my life, it is so frustrating when others get handouts for nothing. Some of my friends have hardly ever worked, safe in the knowledge that they will be fine and dandy in a few years.

I get the argument that you work hard to provide for your kids. But if it stops them from working hard, and especially if it's 'old money' (ie. the working hard bit was done generations ago) it seems so unfair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 12/02/2012 23:11

My parents shall no doubt leave every penny to my bitchy Sister as I cut contact with all three in 2005. It will no doubt be a few hundred thousand. She deserves nothing as she is vile.

DamnBamboo · 12/02/2012 23:12

I think YABU personally although I feel for you.

Comparison is the thief of joy! What has need got to do with anything?

If they are your friends, I presume they are good, kind people, so why do resent this.

The money I will leave to my kids will have been taxed heavily already, and will then be taxed again upon my death, but it is my right to give my money to whom I wish.

What else do you suggest should be done with it?

SkivingAgain · 12/02/2012 23:12

YANBU - but feeling bitter will do you no good either. If you are making a success of your life, your children will benefit from that both by learning from your example and inheriting what you leave.

For those that expect to inherit, things don't always go to plan. A friend of mine expected to inherit a very substantial amount from her mother (who had inherited from an unmarried aunt) but it looks like her stepfather got it all, or most of it, and is now in a new relationship. Very difficult situation but illustrates how we shouldn't take these things for granted.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 23:13

It's easy for you to say they don't need any more money now...but really most people could do with a bit more, no matter what their life is like.

I stand to inherit a fair few grand when my Dad passes due to the sale of his house...however he was a manual worker all his life and struggled hard to pay the mortgage.

I'm lucky enough to own my own home and DH and I are worse off than most of our neighbours who are in council houses...yet our kids will inherit money from the sale of this house too.

I can see why you might view that as unfair, but it's what we want to do for them and what my Dad wants to do for us.

McHappyPants2012 · 12/02/2012 23:15

Yabu.

You are working hard and you should be proud of that. You do not know what the future holds...... But if you friends parent ever need to go into a care home the council will make them sell there house to fund for thier care ( which can be very expensive)

Original poster
ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:15

And if my mum needs to go into a care home I will have to fund it.

OP posts:
auntevil · 12/02/2012 23:16

YABU - Did you choose to be born to live in poverty? Neither do children who are born with silver spoons in their mouths. It doesn't necessarily make their lives any happier (yes I know it makes it more comfortable, but not happier).
Likewise - you can't make your parents change their wills - you could request it. If someone was so appalled by their inheritance they could give it away.
But YABU if you think that you can choose what financial background you're born into

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 23:16

I couldn't care less what my parents leave me I'd much rather have them alive

MaisyMooCow · 12/02/2012 23:16

I know how you feel, I have felt like that from time to time.... that money goes to money etc... But then, I realise I have so much more in many other ways. Some of my friends who have so much money aren't happy in their work or marriages. Money isn't everything at the end of the day....but it helps!

suebfg · 12/02/2012 23:17

I don't think anyone should rely on an inheritance. Many people are being forced to sell homes to pay for care - which is a disgrace - but that's the reality. I think an inheritance will eventually become a thing of the past.

bringbacksideburns · 12/02/2012 23:17

Look at it this way - for all the people who appear to have an easy ride there are many worse off than you. Focus on the fact you say you have made a success of your life and be proud of that.

You really don't know how happy people truly are behind the curtains, and all the money in the world doesn't seem to help them sometimes.

McHappyPants2012 · 12/02/2012 23:18

If your mum goes into a care home the LA will fund the place

Kayzr · 12/02/2012 23:19

I agree with Eau I don't care how much money I'm left. I'd rather my parents could live forever.

bringbacksideburns · 12/02/2012 23:19

And 'Comparison is the Theft of Joy' - i love that! Never heard it before.

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 23:21

I really can't imagine many of my generation being able to leave their kids an inheritance at all

auntevil · 12/02/2012 23:21

And so true - and not just with money. You usually just hear that the grass is greener!

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 12/02/2012 23:22

I will never have an inheritance either, except maybe my Dads car, and who knows what he'll have and if it's worth anything when he dies. I have some costume jewellry and make up brushes that were my Grandads, and some cooking books from Gramps. None of this is worth anything monetary.

However,I have the most amazing happy memories, knowing I was very loved. That tbh is worth more than money to me!

auntevil · 12/02/2012 23:23

I don't know if I'll leave my DCs anything when I'm gone, but I'll sure as hell give 'em a leg up when I'm alive and if I can. Why shouldn't I - I love them and want the best for them

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/02/2012 23:24

i am in the same boat OP....but let it go. it wont do you any good to dwell on it....enjoy what you have and enjoy the fact you have worked to get what you have, you can hold your head up.

my brother will get everything. my childhood was shit. truly. i cut contact with my family years ago (about 12 years ago now) i wont ever back down on my own principles just for a bit of money....its not worth it to me. its worth more to me to be able to hold my head up high and stick to my principles, and work for what i have without owing anything to anyone.

its hard having no family, but id rather have none than the alternative that is mine!
let it go OP. enjoy what you have. dont worry about what you dont have!

cory · 12/02/2012 23:24

Inheritances are uncertain at the best of times. We did think we would eventually inherit a (modest) sum from my MIL but that has now gone on funding the care home- and let me say at once that we are SO grateful the money was there, for that purpose, since the homes the LA were prepared to fund simply did not have the equipment to deal with the medical needs from a condition she suddenly developed.

Original poster
ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:26

Hmmm.

Well, one (lovely) friend, for example, also married a (lovely) man with rich parents. They are happy, in their early 30s, have one DC, and four properties, worth well over £1million. They have so much money they don't know what to do with it. A lot of this is money gifted to them in order to avoid inheritance tax. When their parents die, there will be more. What is the point? They don't even know what to do with what they have!

OP posts:
RealLifeIsForWimps · 12/02/2012 23:27

And if my mum needs to go into a care home I will have to fund it.

You won't. There's no obligation for you to do so. Your mother may have to fund it herself, or if she can't, the state will pay. Atm there's no way the state can force children to pay for parent's care.

Many of your friends who you assume will get an inheritance may well not as it might get eaten up in care home fees because if they have the money, the state will not pay.

Re "Comparison is the thief of joy"- God that takes me back. My Gran used to say "envy is the thief of joy" which I guess amounts to the same thing, but it's years since I've heard it.

PoohBearsHole · 12/02/2012 23:28

Inheritance can be a noose, when my grandparents died my father was crippled by inheritance tax bills for several years. Everything worth anything was sold and given straight to the government. This was some time ago however how did putting my father into debt help anyone?

Anything now that my parents eventually leave to myself/siblings/other family members is fruit of what they have worked long and hard for, for us - their children. Just like you Smile.

Incidentally, you might have an "Expectation" to recieve an inheritance from a parent, as my mother did from my grandmother. Turns out she was a wily character and she was upset my dm (only child) had married a divorced man with children. She left the bulk of her inheritance to the cat and dog charities locally with a minimal amount in trust to give to my dm per year (£1k) which is a very nice little amount of cash, but in reality it isn't the sums we are talking about.

So anything that we recieve really will be from their hard work. I feel sad for this as they worked hard during my childhood and seeing df with my dc I know he would have preferred to spend his time with all of us, but I also feel sad because my dc will have had some experience and love and memories (I hope) of their grandparents. I don't have any of that either Sad.

Be proud of yourself op, you have obviously done well and do so for your dc. Others may have had a better start, however it doesn't mean that behind closed doors everything has been so charmed Smile

Original poster
ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:28

Been looking at LA funding nursing homes, and that is the worry. What if my mum doesn't like the ones they will pay for? Tough, or I pay.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 12/02/2012 23:29

why worry about what your friends are doing though?

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