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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit bitter about inheritance

360 replies

ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:07

I had a horrible childhood, and lived in poverty. I won't get an inheritance.

Friends of mine had lovely childhoods, the best education money could buy, and as many boosts as possible to their careers. They are already much more privileged. They don't need any more money now, as their careers are ticking along nicely, and still get parental help when they can't afford a new conservatory or whatever.

Soon enough, their parents will die and leave them with even more money. That they don't need. And so the cycle continues.

I know it is bitter of me, I don't like feeling like this, but it is so unfair. I've had to work so hard to make a success of my life, it is so frustrating when others get handouts for nothing. Some of my friends have hardly ever worked, safe in the knowledge that they will be fine and dandy in a few years.

I get the argument that you work hard to provide for your kids. But if it stops them from working hard, and especially if it's 'old money' (ie. the working hard bit was done generations ago) it seems so unfair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EauDeLaPoisson · 13/02/2012 00:51

The thing is if you had been born into their lives you would know no different and the fact you had money wouldn't make you grateful you would just take it for granted

aldiwhore · 13/02/2012 00:52

YANBU to feel embittered, but bitterness eats you alive so you're probably better off doing the best you can with what you've got.

Not sure what the alternative is, or what the fairer option is?

There's no way the bloody state are getting any stash I have left when I die... my children will have what's left from my life and rightly so. However, I am not living my life with the purpose of providing for my children after I'm gone. I've told my folks to spend what they have doing what they want. But of course, it would be nice if they leave something...

Sometimes life isn't fair. But I think life would be a whole lot more unfair if you couldn't bestow your success to whomever you wish. More than likely my children won't get anything! That doesn't worry me.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 13/02/2012 00:55

Well yanbu to be annoyed but it's one of those things that just go on no matter how annoyed people are.

My mum died when I was a teenager. My dad remarried within a year then has an affair . He GAVE the house that he and My mum had bought to his soon to be ex wife to speed along the divorce - so that he could marry the other woman. When he dies all of his money etc will now go to his new wife who in turn will pass it to her daughter. Everyone knows this will leave my sister and I with no inheritance . Fine. Everyone also knows that it means My dad is on his own in terms of needing care etc he has disregarded us so many times why would We pay out for him.

Rhinestone · 13/02/2012 01:02

YABU and sound bitter and envious.

If you were lucky enough to inherit a whole load, would you hand it over to the Exchequer?

garlicfrother · 13/02/2012 01:07

If comparison is stealing your joy (I loved that too!), go visit some really poor people. Have your next holiday in Calcutta, anywhere in Africa (Gambia's still cheap) or, if you can't take your poverty without clean water and electricity, how about a city-break in a Glasgow or Liverpool tenement. You'll notice two things: [1] You feel quite blessed after all; [2] People have the gift of being happy with few comforts.

Comparison has its uses - as long as you look both ways Wink

Rhinestone · 13/02/2012 01:10

Aaarrrggggh, just read you were in care. Sorry.

Somewhere deep in the MN archives is a thread from years ago which asks what you'd do if you were Prime Minister.

I said something along the lines of guaranteeing ALL children who grew up in care a free university place, plus living expenses, regardless of their school exam results. They could take this place up at any time during their life.

Children who grow up in care are the totally forgotten section of society. It's utterly shameful and we don't do NEARLY enough as a society to redress the balance a little bit. MPs and councils will spout bollocks about targets to do with children in care but no-one is actually prepared to throw some fucking money at the problem because children in care don't vote.

I think I also said all British travellers returning from abroad would get a free cup of tea and a Rich Tea biscuit in the passport queue! Grin Vote Rhinestone.

My apologies OP for the knee jerk response. But be proud of all you've achieved and don't let your entirely understandable negative feelings bring you down.

garlicfrother · 13/02/2012 01:25

^^ And what Rhinestone said. Can I have a digestive instead, please?!

babybarrister · 13/02/2012 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 13/02/2012 08:10

Inheritance is bitter sweet. Yes lots of money but remember it means a loved one is dead. I don't think many of us would substitute a loved one for some money given the choice.

If your so bitter about it then carry on with what your doing to make a difference to any of YOUR children you have now or will have. If you don't want kids then make sure you work hard and leave everything to a charity for poverty stricken children.

marriedinwhite · 13/02/2012 08:19

OP - turn this on its head.

You have made a success of your life in spite of very difficult beginnings
You care enough for your mother to want to care for her in old age
You care enough for your sister to help her out in business

Don't become the bitter, envious, person you hint out. Try to be pleased about the good fortune of others and focus on making your own which will be all the better because it will all be as a result of your efforts. I don't know ifyou have children yet, but believe me if and when you do you will want them to share in your rewards and for their lives to be easier than yours - it's a huge part of motherhood.

CardyMow · 13/02/2012 08:19

IMO the people who say that someone who is feeling jealous of those who have had inheritances should get over themselves are the very people that either have or will have an inheritance. And they say that because they have always HAD the expectation that they will get that inheritance. So they just don't have a clue what it is like to struggle for EVERY penny - AND to know that that is what the rest of your life will be.

No matter how hard you work, no matter how much effort you put into your life, you KNOW that this is as good as it gets. It's such a depressing feeling. OF COURSE people are going to be jealous - they are going to have to work hard every day of their life, and they KNOW their children are going to have to do the same, AND their children's children.

OP - YANBU, it IS bloody unfair.

Levantine · 13/02/2012 08:22

OP I get you. I will inherit a fair whack, have been given lots of help along the way, and I don't think it is fair tbh. I took it for granted until my thirties, and then really realised how lucky I was when I met DH whose family have diddly squat, I mean really, nothing to their name

I really dislike it when people say that they would rather have their parents than the inheritance (excepting those whose parents died when they were very young). Well sure, but all parents die eventually and not everyone gets an inheritance. It's missing the point really.

marriedinwhite · 13/02/2012 08:23

huntycat dh and I have worked hard every day of our lives. Our forbears did the same and we expect our dc to do the same too. Having money does not mean the people with it don't work hard and in some cases exceptionally.

CardyMow · 13/02/2012 08:27

married - are you saying that you worked ANY harder than my great-grandad who was a miner, or my grandad who worked 70-hr weeks doing scrap removal, and is STILL working FT at 76, or my father who worked as a long-distance lorry driver?

Did they work 'less' hard because they haven't got any money to pass down? NO!

That's a load of self-justifying TWADDLE spouted by those who HAVE inheritances!

JerichoStarQuilt · 13/02/2012 08:27

I think it's natural to feel as you do, especially if you're worrying about your mum and care homes. My parents are quite well off, but one of the saddest memories I have is of my granddad when he was old and in a home, being constantly terrified he was going to be kicked out because he couldn't afford it. He'd grown up poor and when he started getting ill he couldn't remember any more that my dad had money to take care of him.

However, I know it's trite but I am sure your mum values the fact you care about her more than she'd value your money.

toddlerama · 13/02/2012 08:33

OP, if your mother owned property and if she had to into a care home, the value of the house would be used to fund it. You still wouldn't get an inheritance. My mum's parents were working class and saved every penny all of their lives for her and her siblings inheritance in house and savings. It all went on care homes. The state is there to care for those who can't care for themselves, not those who would rather give the money to someone else. My dad's parents were extremely poor and left him and his brother with a bank account at 40p and a painting. My sisters and I stand to inherit fairly well, but we still put ourselves through uni - it just isn't our parents responsibility! There is no reason you can't leave anything for your kids and 'break the cycle' if you want to, but it isn't the be all and end all. Has you sister approached the bank for a small business loan?

Adversecamber · 13/02/2012 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frostyfingers · 13/02/2012 08:39

It is unfair, you're right. Unfortunately that's life and we have to make the best of what we have. Cliche I know, but thinking about what others have that you haven't isn't going to help you, and you end up feeling bitter and sad and possibly not appreciating what you have.

If it helps, do what I do and count what you have - then look in the newspapers and see how many people are in a worse position than you - there are billions. It doesn't change things materially for you, but might make you feel better.

gastonscave · 13/02/2012 08:40

comparison is the thief of joy, sums it up nicely.

Let it go OP or it will destroy you.

My SIL is like this to busy comparing what she has with what her friends have and stamping her feet because they have more expensive cars. Its destroyed her marriage and destroyed my brother.

AllPastYears · 13/02/2012 08:43

OP, this is why inheritance tax is not such a bad thing.

whomovedmychocolate · 13/02/2012 08:55

My kids will hopefully inherit a fair bit because we've always been careful and rather than needing the latest of everything we've made do.

What's the point in comparing your life with anyone else? If you don't like your life do something different. It's bloody hard work though pulling yourself up. I grew up in a semi in a city to very poor parents. Everyone wants the best for their kids and if you believe accumulating wealth to pass on is the way to achieve this, good luck to you.

You need to let go of your bitterness because it's stymies your ambitions.

kilmuir · 13/02/2012 09:09

Its not unfair, its life. You don't know how hard some people may have worked so they are in a position to leave an inheritance. My mum and dad worked really hard to buy their own home in the 1960's, 2 jobs etc. yes my mum says she will leave the house to us, thats lovely but i am not depending on it.
Need to make your own way in life, move forward and stop letting the past hold you back

OrmIrian · 13/02/2012 09:14

Of course YABU. Life is unfair. If you want to rale against the injustices of life you'll be there all day.

Incidentally what would you do if you were in your friends' positions, or that of their parents? I suspect you would do the same thing. I would.

I can understand your bitterness but it's only you it's hurting so try to stop making comparisons and let it go. Be proud of your own acheivments.

OrmIrian · 13/02/2012 09:16

And with regard to paying for parents care in old age, that is precisely why I expect to inherit very little of the value of my parents' home. Unless they die in situ most of it's value will be used in care fees. They don't want to move nearer me so they will need care sooner or later

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 13/02/2012 09:17

This business about working hard for what you have. Most of us these days will be inheriting profits (after tax) from the sale of whatever house our parents happen to have been living in when they died.

I don't see how anyone can claim this is a result of 'hard work,' when it's more a matter of luck that they were able (okay, initially through their hard work, but still) to buy cheap and sit and watch the value of their house shoot up during boom times - in a way that seems unlikely to be repeated for our generation and that of our children.

Everyone works hard - some happen to have made decisions which, in hindsight, have profited them enormously.

It's bollocks to say inheritance comes from graft - with a few exceptions, it comes from the circumstances which provoked an unprecedented rise in property values.

Comfort yourself with the thought of how bitter these people feel about inheritance tax - lots seem to think they're somehow being robbed of money they've earned, let alone their parents (who didn't 'earn' it either).