to be a bit bitter about inheritance

[ShagOBite]

I had a horrible childhood, and lived in poverty. I won't get an inheritance.

Friends of mine had lovely childhoods, the best education money could buy, and as many boosts as possible to their careers. They are already much more privileged. They don't need any more money now, as their careers are ticking along nicely, and still get parental help when they can't afford a new conservatory or whatever.

Soon enough, their parents will die and leave them with even more money. That they don't need. And so the cycle continues.

I know it is bitter of me, I don't like feeling like this, but it is so unfair. I've had to work so hard to make a success of my life, it is so frustrating when others get handouts for nothing. Some of my friends have hardly ever worked, safe in the knowledge that they will be fine and dandy in a few years.

I get the argument that you work hard to provide for your kids. But if it stops them from working hard, and especially if it's 'old money' (ie. the working hard bit was done generations ago) it seems so unfair.

AIBU?

I struggled with this as a teenager, on an assisted place at a private school. You kind of stick out a bit when you don't have a swimming pool and a pony at your house. Or a Ferrari collection. (I really knew someone whose Dad had a Ferrari collection. In a purpose built garage of course!!)

My DH and I ended up inheriting a bit of money because 2 close relatives died young. It gave us the deposit on a house. We don't expect to inherit any more - nor do I want to, any money should be used to keep people in comfort in their old age, not to feel that they have to provide for the next generation.

I am focused on winning the lottery instead. Doesn't involve anyone dying. happy all round.

Shotgun - I don't think we will all inherit houses. They will be used to pay for care with our parents living into their 90s.

YABU, op

To those who inherited money but said they would rather have their parents - I won't inherit anything, I would rather have had my mum alive - she died, my dad is alive. But when my mum died not only did I have the pain of losing her, but I had to help my dad get the money together to bury her.

Yes I would much rather have had my mum. But it is hard not to be jealous of friends for example, who were able to afford to go part time to deal with the grief after a parent died, because they got an inheritance.

Yanbu, inheritance tax should be 100%.

It is unfair but unless you intend to leave all your own money to charity and give your children nothing then you are being hypocritical and also VU.

Life is very unfair and you can't choose your parents.

Its unfair to be born in Afganistan for instance or Sudan, particularly if you happen to be born female.

OP don't choose to have an unhappy life.

What an idiotic statement, Charlotte

Are you bitter about the inheritance - the cold hard cash - or about your childhood, and seeing other people getting inheritances makes you feel angry about your childhood?

dont be so jealous. you are poor, they are richer. c'est la vie

YABU and sound very jealous. My Mum has advanced secondary breast cancer and probably won't make it through this year.If there is anything left when she dies I will inherit it all. At the minute that would be enough to pay off my debts and most of the mortgage and put a bit aside for DS.

I'd happily forgo this though to keep her with us longer.

And the OP has made it clear this isn't just about inheritance.

My company is struggling and we have all had our hours of work slashed. As a result we are struggling financially. My DP and I have always worked and had no financial help from any family as they are poor. I know friends from wealthier backgrounds would if they were us, be getting handouts from family to help them. Yes there are lots of people worse off - but it would be nice for life to be easier.

I've told my mum I'd rather she spent every last penny of her money whilst she's alive. As long as she enjoys it and dies happy then that's fine with me.

I don't want her to leave me a penny. I will make my own way in life thankyouverymuch.

I've seen the way inheritances can divide families and bring out the worst in people. No thanks.

And OP, life isn't fair. Period. You can be as bitter as you want about it. It doesn't really change shit though does it? Only thing you can do is let it go and move on.

You inherited enough for a flat though. That is a pretty big handout

It's not hypocritical when you have had your great-grandad have nothing to leave your grandad despite his hard work. It's not hypocritical when you know your grandad will have nothing to leave you despite his hard work. It's not hypocritical when your father is already dead and he left you nothing.

OK, no amount of money would make up for the fact that my father is no longer here, I agree with you on that, but christ would it help me right now, when I am scrabbling for pennies to pay the electric bill - and I would KNOW that it was from his hard work that I could pay the bill. It would be like he was helping me even though he was no longer here to PHYSICALLY help me.

When you KNOW that no matter how hard you work, you will have NOTHING to leave for your dc, and that THEY will face the same struggles and scrabbling for money to cover their basic bills as YOU have - it galls to see those that HAVE inheritances swan around telling you not to be bitter, or that you are being hypocritical, that their parents worked really hard to be able to leave you something (as if OUR parents just didn't work hard enough, which is frankly, bollocks, they just weren't working hard in well paid industries, still worked just as hard though, for less reward), and many other trite things to say.

All rather than just admitting that YES it is unfair, YES we DO have a right to feel jealous at times, YES they DO value the help they have received, YES they DO understand how hard it is for those of us who DON'T have that privelidge, maybe THAT would go some way to stopping those of us without any hope of an inheritance from feeling 'bitter'. It's the lack of recognition for the 'leg-up' that an inheritance provides you, and a lack of recognition that you yourself did NOTHING to deserve that money, and it was just your sheer LUCK to be born into a wealthier family. A little humility wouldn't go amiss, IMO.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - inheritance is unfair for all the reasons that you give. I have had/will have no inheritance money wise and I work with/am friends with a lot of people who have had money given to them/have money in their backgrounds. The difference to me was not just the education and opportunities that they had but the inherent security- they were able to take risks with their careers/choices knowing that mum and dad would be able to support them/rescue them. Some (not all) are also judegmental about decisions others have made- criticising friends for not buying houses/being SAHMs when the friends couldn't afford these choices.

BUT you can't spend your life being jealous - money is only one aspect of life and you just have to accept to a degree that life isn't fair and not let it eat you up.

One thing though that I am passionate about (other than believing that inheritance tax should be ramped up) is that the inequalities that money creates should be removed- particualrly in education and that people should work to ensure that opportunities are there for all irrespective of money

I agree huntycat. Although my DP who like me is from a poor background also says not to feel envious and its just life

OP this way of thinking will only lead to unhappiness.

Think of what you HAVE,. not what you don't have.

I don't want to inherit anything from my parents, I hope they live long and use it all up themselves! Some money they have given me sits in an account I do not touch, I would spend it on THEM when they are old or sick, eg to get a private nurse. I feel they don't owe me anything.

Also, 80% of inheritance goes to the tax man, if that is any consolation to you.

A 'small flat' ISN'T a small inheritance - it enables you to sell up and move further up the housing ladder at a later point, without having to have saved up for a deposit. Would you have your CURRENT home if you hadn't had that flat originally? What about if you KNEW that no matter how hard you worked, for however many hours, you would NEVER have enough to scrape together a deposit to buy a home - and you were still struggling with rental costs despite working a 60-hr week?

THAT is reality for lots of people! Not bemoaning about how a small flat isn't much of an inheritance...THAT IS galling when you are worrying about losing your rented home, or paying the electric bill when you are working all the hours in the day!

But life isn't fair. We live in a world which is less than ideal.

I have friends who get regular handouts from wealthy parents - I'm not jealous of them: it's just the way life is. I'm lucky in lots of other ways. I have a lovely DS and great DH.

It's totally unfair.
Up the revolution.
Well done for what you have achieved after a difficult start.

I think its unfair if youve struggled to keep a roof over your head then you end up selling your house if you need care.
People who have never worked/saved/owned property would get it all state funded.
I have a mortgage and wish we had rented- but the way I was brought up buying was "the right thing to do" as it means your children have an inheritance
Cant see my kids having anything as the house will have to be sold just to live!!
And I certainly wouldnt save huge amounts for the kids, you get penalised for that as well.
I would rather give the kids money as they need it/I have it

Charlotte why should inheritance tax be 100%? The money has already been taxed once when it was earned, and is still taxed at 40%.

And you know, it wouldn't stop the transfer of wealth in the most well off families, because parents would just pass it all on early and then the children can fund their old age.

What about if parents die while their children are very young, and the state takes it all so there is no money for their upbringing, what then? More children into care just so that there can be a level playing field? Hardly the best use of state resources, is it?

Rhinestone - I agree that children who grow up in care should be state funded through uni, or an apprenticeship or whatever they choose to get them started in life. And no having to take student loans.