to be a bit bitter about inheritance

[ShagOBite]

I had a horrible childhood, and lived in poverty. I won't get an inheritance.

Friends of mine had lovely childhoods, the best education money could buy, and as many boosts as possible to their careers. They are already much more privileged. They don't need any more money now, as their careers are ticking along nicely, and still get parental help when they can't afford a new conservatory or whatever.

Soon enough, their parents will die and leave them with even more money. That they don't need. And so the cycle continues.

I know it is bitter of me, I don't like feeling like this, but it is so unfair. I've had to work so hard to make a success of my life, it is so frustrating when others get handouts for nothing. Some of my friends have hardly ever worked, safe in the knowledge that they will be fine and dandy in a few years.

I get the argument that you work hard to provide for your kids. But if it stops them from working hard, and especially if it's 'old money' (ie. the working hard bit was done generations ago) it seems so unfair.

AIBU?

It's hard to deal with, I totally agree with you. At university all my mates were always complaining about being skint even though their parents paid for everything - I never got anything from my parents cos they were skint. It used to really get on my wick. Even now, loads of my friends have jobs that their parents got them, but they talk about how hard they worked to get where they were - basically they're totally deluded. I once read a quote by Nigella Lawson's first husband where he said "everything we have, we've worked to get ourselves, not because of our families". Yeah, I'm sure being Nigel Lawson's daughter didn't exactly hurt though!

On the other hand, we're lucky to have been born in a country and era where you can potentially make something of your life even if you were born into poverty.

It's shit, but if you let it get to you, you just get really bitter. I try to focus on the fact that no-one I know is any happier than me. They have more stuff, but they aren't really any better off. Also, I can do what the hell I like without my parents being able to tell me what to do, whereas people I know had to study subject they weren't interested in because that's what their parents wanted. And I have spent my 20s pissing about doing debt end jobs and travelling and being stupid and I am SO GLAD because everyone else I know got careers straight after university and will never know how much fun it is to just be directionless.

Also really like Comparison is the thief of joy! - it is so true and I'd not heard it before either.

OP, I feel for you too - not nice to struggle when friends seem to have it easier - and I also get the political point that you are making, (this isn't just a sour grapes post).

A bit tired to get into that now though.

well i surround myself with poverty stricken friends so i never feel jealous ,lol

Your last post op, comes across as a wee bit jealous. They are lucky and I think you will find they are in the minority. And if they are gifted money now, there is nothing wrong with that or illegal with it as inheritance tax if huge. And it can send famillies even today into debt (6 months to sell a property for example to pay inheritance in a stagnant market).

Shag - you can also work all your life, like my DM, and end up in a home chosen by your children - and end up paying for it as well. You could then have a degenerative disease and be in said home for years and years and years. With the LA paying sweet FA - watching the small amount you put aside to leave your children being gradually taken back to the government via care home costs, taxes etc etc . Life is tough - get over it and get on with it.

What is the alternative OP? Where should the money go?

It is already taxed when earned, and then taxed again on death.

The reason it upsets me is because I could do so much with a bit of money! My siblings an I were in care. I managed to get through uni, but my sister didn't. She simply couldn't afford to finish. I could have given her such a better start to life. She's great now but in a really difficult place in her life. She's been trying to start up her own business, but until she gets enough (£5K) to startup, she can't leave her job. I can't afford to help her. I wish I could. :(

It is sour grapes, I know, but the other inheritance BIL thread got me quite cross. If my DSis had 5K to start up her business, it would work. I'm sure of it. Yet another bloke (on the other thread), who had already inherited loads of money and lost it, is able to guilt-trip others in to lending him more, when they know it will fail.

Just pisses me off. Sorry.

I inherited a small sum from my mum who died when I was 21. Frankly I would rather still have her and my dad here than any amount of money.

You can drive yourself mad thinking of the unfairness of life. I've often thought how wrong it is that my parents who I loved dearly, who were such amazing people and so important to me, had to die young when others lived to old age. But it is as it is, no amount of wishing it were different will change a thing.

Sorry. I admit it. I am jealous.

I agree that these people you know are in the minority, it seems an extreme case.

I will (probably) inherit a reasonable amount from my parents, they have recently inherited a small amount from their own parents.
Any money I do inherit will be a major bonus to me in my retirement, we didn't go to private school, or have jobs found for us, and nor is there an open purse to keep going back and dipping into.

Meh, who cares ?

My dcs stand to inherit.......not much tbh.

My niece OTOH will be a millionaire one day, just the way things work out sometimes.

OP- there will always be feckless people who are shite with money, and if your sister's business idea is good, then it will still be good when she has the money. I think he is a bit of a twonk at times but look at Sir Alan, oh sorry Lord Sugar , and think about the work he has put into his life and the success of his businesses. He started with jack shit but an idea and is worth a shed load having started through hard graft. It is possible to change preconcieved destiny.

I know it's crap OP. I would love to go back to university to do a Masters, I'd love to be able to just buy books when I want to, or to have an allotment. It's annoying when others can have all this stuff - I mean look at David Cameron, inheriting millions then saying all of us are in this together. It infuriates me.

But at the same time, that is life. It's shit, but it is how life will always be.

snap. i was in care for some of my childhood, but you cant let it define you....i wanted to go to uni - reality was that i didnt even get to finish my secondary education as i left home at 15 and was homeless - had to get a job.

if you dwell on this it will make you bitter. best not to worry about it and just accept what you have is your own. We have a very cheap house....no help from anyone - but its ours.

yes money helps. it would help us! but reality is what it is - i find it hard when people talk about their parents at work - i keep quiet. for me, i would rather be how i am,and live my life without compromise and be happy. money isnt everything. i have a great DH and 2 great kids....i am thankful for that. i will do whatever i can for them, we arent rich! we never will be! but we are happy. that means more surely?

I've known quite a few massively-advantaged people like this. They often say twattish things like, "I believe people make their own luck" and they really truly do believe that.

Now that's a sense of entitlement.

Be thankful that despite everything you have made a success of your life.

Both dh and I come from humble (although not quite impoverished) backgrounds. I had very little growing up, and my mum always instilled in me 'real friends like you for who you are, not what you have'. That was good advice and all very well, but it still hurt when other parents would just buy cars for my peers on their 18th birthdays.

My dh has gone on to earn a very high wage, and I am conscious that my children will not want for anything (unlike me). We work hard to make sure they are grounded, and that they don't take their upbringing for granted. But I am pleased that they won't know the hardship at university/post uni that I did.

Funnily enough a relative of mine has just set up home with her partner whose family has many, many £millions. We will feel bloody impoverished in comparison to them It never does to compare.

YANBU.
I come from a very poor background but now mix mainly with middle class people. Most of them get some financial help. Gifts to help them out, large inheritances, etc. Lots of them have now chosen in their 40's and 50's to work part time.

On the otherhand, my DP and I have worked hard to pay for everything we own totally from our own earnings. And it would be nicer if things were easier.

So I totally understand your jealousy, it is understandable.

YANBU for feeling bitter. It must be fairly tough when you work so hard and don't have as much to show for it as someone that hasn't had to. It is NOT fair, but it's a symptom of the class system and free market economic system that rule our country. You are quite right to feel bitter that we live in a society where the non-privileged are very lucky indeed to make a life for themselves but then can't afford a decent home and have no choice about education. With any luck, after this economic meltdown has done its worst, the political landscape will change for the better as we all learn from our mistake.

btw, I am really sorry about you all being in care - that must have been horrible for you. And I'm sorry your siblings didn't manage to finish university :( I can understand you feeling bitter about that.

OP - I find people who come from better off backgrounds often don't appreciate the difference the gifts and support actually make to their life. I hear people talking about how they got their gorgeous houses by working hard, when I know they got given a big deposit that actually made it possible.

Some MNers however, are utterly grounded and realistic as to where their good fortune came from, despite some having had less than advantaged backgrounds. Some have been privileged, but are able to recognise and appreciate it and to still be concerned about those less fortunate.

I am not one of them, but I admire them enormously. The world would be a much better place if there were more of them

I sort of get where you are coming from. I have a similar worry, you could call it that. DM is married to a lovely, very rich man who is self made, he has 2 children from a previous marriage. They have been together for 25 years but his kids still think my mum is nothing but a gold digger.
I know both my DBro, me and my DS's are in his will as is my mum, but he hasn't told them and mum has warned us that when he does die, which I am sure wont be for a good while yet, to get ready for a fight as the first thing his kids will do is contest the will. I was a bit about them doing that until I heard his son say he thinks his mum should inherete his dads money when he dies as she is his real wife! Even if she did screw everything in a 5 mile radius while they where married and take him for all but his car and £100 in the divorce, and he has built it all back up again.

I can't believe people actually worry about stuff like this
Everybody's life is different. That's what life is about.

Okay, you had a tough childhood for which I am sorry. But ask your friends who inherited money if they would rather have the cash or their parents back I can guess how they'll answer.

Take satisfaction from the thongs you've earned on your own merit ,rather than handed to you. Who gets the most satisfaction the person who climbs to the top of everest or the person who is dropped by helicopter at the top?

If you persist with this type of bitterness it becomes all consuming and self perpetuating.

I do understand envy, it's natural

but it can be hugely counterproductive

Money can be a significant driver - it can motivate people to set up their own businesses and become very successful

But in your case, you're just letting your envy be wholly negative. What good does it do you? A few are very wealthy, the majority of people in the world are living in poverty. Much better either to channel that envy productively or just let it go ... Life is unfair, you know.