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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

269 replies

Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:04

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

OP posts:
cece · 12/02/2012 12:06

I used to leave DD but DS1 had a tendency to have massive tantrums at that age Blush. Hence I would stay in case he had to be removed from the party.

ParsleyTheLioness · 12/02/2012 12:07

Maybe it partly depends how far you have to travel...if you would get home more or less in time to come back, no point really. Also, the other extreme can be bad. Have heard of swimming parties where no-one stayed, and loads of kids to wrestle in and out of cossies...

ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 12:09

I stay because...

  1. I don't drive and once I've walked 2 miles to the sports hall with a baby in a sling, I figure it's easier to stay for the 2hrs than walk all the way home and back again
  1. I am new to the school thing, having a child in a reception means I don't know anybody else very well and I hang around to talk to the other Mums in an environment more relaxed than school pick up/drop off
  1. Why not?
  1. I'm never sure of the etiquette and it's easier to stay and help out a bit/watch your own child/be an extra pair of eyes than slope off and expect somebody else to take sole responsibility for my 4yo
  1. I like watching them play. And sometimes you get a sausage roll out of it
hellhasnofury · 12/02/2012 12:10

At that age I stayed with DS but not DD. DD wouldn't want me to stay whereas DS didn't want me to leave, no great problem really. He soon decided he hated parties anyway and stopped going to them altogether.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:10

It was local parsley, most of the parents were only 5/10 mins away.

OP posts:
Oubliette0292 · 12/02/2012 12:14

I've noticed the same trend too. When my DC were pre-school age I stayed, once they started going to 5th birthday parties I left them there. I hate it when parents want to stay - it means I have to look after them and the children. Fortunately these days they are usually happy to leave their DC for a couple of hours (but then my DC are now 6 & 7).

KittyFane · 12/02/2012 12:14
  1. So that the poor party organiser(s) and other adults has one less child to feel responsible for.
  2. To chat and get to know other parents ( as I rarely do the school run)
KittyFane · 12/02/2012 12:14

Have not has

Meglet · 12/02/2012 12:15

I stay because DS has allergies and an epi-pen and because it's a rare chance for me to chat to adults.

He couldn't care less whether I'm there or not TBH.

Birdsnotbees · 12/02/2012 12:15

Not all kids are happy to be left. You're lucky yours have the confidence to be left, but really shouldn't get judgey of those kids/parents who aren't yet ready to be without mum or dad. (And I know you said you weren't being judgemental but you are, just a bit.)

I am the parent of a kid who just needs extra support - he needs me there. We work very hard to help build his confidence and he's getting there. Last thing we need are raised eyebrows - our kid is fine, he's just different to yours. That's the thing with people: they are all different.

Oubliette0292 · 12/02/2012 12:15

Oh, and I've found that having slightly longer parties helps - they are much more likely to be able to use the time productively if the party is 3h long :)

birdsofshoreandsea · 12/02/2012 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 12/02/2012 12:17

so...?

I stay because I want to.

you are judging.

KalSkirata · 12/02/2012 12:18

we usually have 6 kids round for dd's parties cos they are in my house. (this was for aged 6 and 7. Got 8 year birthday coming up). I'd like some parents to stay as I have no idea what to do with 6 children of that age. One little boy said last year 'why isnt it in hall? Where's the entertainer? It better be a decent party bag' (I dont do party bags.
But no, they abandon me with these kids I dont know except as names in dd's home/school diary.
Help!

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 12/02/2012 12:19

For me it's a lot to do with Showy's #1 & #2.

In addition, dd is asthmatic and I think it'd be a bit much to expect other people to take responsibility for her additional health needs.

PushyDad · 12/02/2012 12:23

If the party is at someone's house we just dump our kids and go. Same with the other nums. But if it is at a public place and MrsPD gets on with the birthday mum then she will stay.

SIL lives in an area where the mums don't have a second (or first) car so the mums usually stay

Original poster
Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:25

Kittyfane, isn' that up the party organiser to decide? If they thought it would be difficult to look after so many children, wouldn't they ask beforehand for a couple of extra pairs of hands?

Birdsnotbees, that's perfectly understandable and of course you're going to stay with your child, who wouldn't? But this is 80% of the class. Just out of interest, if your ds was more confident and happy to be left, would you leave then?

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 12:30

I sometimes leave dd now she is a bit older but used to stay a)because I enjoyed chatting to the other parents, many of whom have become good friends, and b)because it seemed unfair to leave the part hosts with the responsibility of so many small children.

And I have spent quite a lot of time over the years looking after hurt/upset children whose parents have left them, while the hosts are busy with other things. Wink

nothingoldcanstay · 12/02/2012 12:31

Staying if it's in a hall is fine as it's generally organised chaos anyway. I get cross if parents stay and the party is at my house. The house isn't big enough and I don't want them to outnumber the children. I usually have about 8 children round and as we only have the one room it's easier if I'm left to get on with it.

KalSkirata - have a theme, decorate and play silly games. I also have gone back to pass the parcel without a sweet in every layer. This way you can be properly random stopping the music and getting the prize means more. You can always hand out sweets afterwards as consolation prizes.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2012 12:32

I sometimes stay because it's nice to sit about and chat with the other parents.

Llareggub · 12/02/2012 12:34

I leave my DS (who is 5 and in reception) because I am a single parent and have no one to look after DS2, and know siblings are rarely welcome at parties. It is nice to get the chance for some 1 to 1 time too.

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 12:36

Sorry, meant to say that dd has always been confident & happy to be left. So are most of the other kids but they soon want their parents again when something goes wrong.

I was at one party where a little boy did a runner out of the door. Host's parents were too busy dealing with another child who was upset and didn't notice. Fortunately, one of the dads who had stayed with his dc spotted the little escapee and went after him - he had managed to get out of the building and was heading towards the car park. Personally, I think it's too much for the hosts to have to look after 20+ small children while also taking photos, managing games, sorting out food etc.

KittyFane · 12/02/2012 12:39

Kittyfane, isn' that up the party organiser to decide? If they thought it would be difficult to look after so many children, wouldn't they ask beforehand for a couple of extra pairs of hands?

No, not always. Some people don't like to ask. If I were to decide to stay at some party place with a cup of coffee, talking to other mums and watching out for her, it's my choice. (BTW, DD is 8 so obviously I don't do this anymore!)
I never stayed if party was at a child's house.

Ample · 12/02/2012 12:39

Sometimes I stay, sometimes I drop and collect later.
For me it depends on whether the party is at home or at a venue...how many of dd's friends I am looking after, and whether or not I know the parents of the host (quite a few parties are held at the village hall so there are times when I will stay to keep them company or to give a helping hand before, during or after).

It isn't always about keeping a watchful eye on your own dc.

When mums and dads stay, it doesn't mean they are clingy and can't let go. And if they are - so what!
YABU

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 12:41

Agree, if party was at child's house, it would seem inappropriate to stay unless asked. Very few people seem to do parties at home these days, though.

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