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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

269 replies

Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:04

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

OP posts:

mixedmamameansbusiness · 12/02/2012 18:34

I try not to stay, but my children are usually happy to stay. Last year (reception) we all stayed, this year less so certainly with DS1 actual friends. For some reason lots of his class have been having whole class parties at McD - me and the other mums run out for a coffee and a natter somewhere nicer. I appreciate though that there will always be reasons to stay, because your child needs you for various reasons all mentioned here, to help etc etc.

We hold our parties at home (Small) or an activity like bowling and I ask parents not to stay unless they really want to/their child wants them to. A recent party for my 4 yr old had the parents leave their children at the door. The kids were excited by the prospect apparently.

Also, I would never have a party in a hall with a whole class if I didnt think I had enough adults, the numbers would be dictated by what i felt we reasonably could cope with.

mixedmamameansbusiness · 12/02/2012 18:35

Also, certainly my 4 yr old is more likely to play up if I am there, he wont do that with other people.

Kangarobber · 12/02/2012 18:39

lorcana if someone said that to me I would find them a bit odd, and both DD and I would leave, because there is no way she will stay at a party on her own. She's young in her year and wouldn't even stay alone at the house of a friend whose mum she's known and chatted to at the school gate for 3 years. She finds parties daunting. If the party were at your house I would have mentioned it to you in advance, and if you said no then you'd have had our apologies and I'd have had to deal with much crying from DD because she would desperately want to go, just not on her own .

DavidaCottonmouth · 12/02/2012 18:41

My youngest still goes to organised parties (she is 9), and the hosts usually have something set up for parents - wine, savoury snacks. It's like two parties in one. I would say that at least half the parents stay, and it is often both mum and dad who turn up.

The parents totally ignore the children, btw.

youarekidding · 12/02/2012 18:44

I don't stay - mainly because DS doesn't want me to! Haven't since DS was reception - and he's the youngest in the year and has allergies and an epipen I have stayed though if the party host doesn't want him left because of allergies or it's rush hour and going home is pointless because I'd have to turn around and leave again! This is mainly venues though (think coffee in cafe away from party) as house parties are local.

He went to a joint one the other day (8th birthday) and I was surprised at the number of parents who stayed. But then again it was soft play so I expect they sat in the cafe?

I think the type of parties have changed over generations as well? The etiquette of how many to invite has changed as well. And the need to 'entertain' the children at a venue seems more evident. We used to go to a friends house for a party, (10 or so people), play games, eat, have cake. Party was hour and a half. Sports hall parties were magician, disco etc and we just ran around, ate etc.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 12/02/2012 18:49

If I stay it's because my friends are there too and I want to have a drink and a chat with them while my child is entertained doing something else.

RuleBritannia · 12/02/2012 18:49

Oh dear! I thought that the OP was talking about parents staying at their own parties and was going to go down the road of my DH and me travelling 50 miles to my parents, leaving our DCs with them and going to friends' all night parties several times a year in Wallington and nearby.

We would get back to my parents at 6.00am when my now XDH would go to bed but I was now awake for the day and would take over the care of the DCs. Happy Days!

benniesmum · 12/02/2012 18:50

I think it is odd to leave a 5 year old or younger at a party alone unless you have a specific reason for doing so and have previously agreed it with the party holders. A small party at home would be different.
I just had a party for my 5 year old. Many of the children were only 4. I would not want to be responsible for 25 4 year olds at a soft play place. A couple of parents did bugger off without even leaving a number and I was surprised.

Voidka · 12/02/2012 18:50

I have to stay with DS as he has SN. Most of the other parents stay too.

MamaChocoholic · 12/02/2012 19:40

ds1 is just 4. have always stayed with him because he is painfully shy. thankfully parents have always stayed at his parties too. even if they're small home parties (which they have been) I can't imagine we'd have coped last year with 6 3 year olds to organise a party for whilst holding colicky 4 month old twins too. lorcana, do you really expect parents of 2 year olds not to stay?

redskyatnight · 12/02/2012 19:54

I've just been pondering this very question.
When DS was 6 he invited 10 friends to a soft play place party. 8 out of the 10 parents stayed.

DD has just had her 6th birthday at the same soft play place and only 1 parent out of 10 stayed - and that was mostly because he lived too far away to sensibly go home and back again.

The only "slight" explanation I can come up with is that more of DD's friends have older siblings whilst DS's friends seemed mainly to be the oldest child in the family. Though I think there's also a sheep mentality - you feel obliged to stay if everyone else is, and stupid doing so if no one else is.

cakewench · 12/02/2012 19:55

I stay for the Hula Hoops.

(okay, my son is only 3 so we're still in the needing to stay age range... but still, I suspect if I'm hanging around when he's at a 5 yr old party, it'll be for that reason )

lorcana · 12/02/2012 20:05

Helicopter parenting imo

cakewench · 12/02/2012 20:10

Have just read all the posts.. have to say, some of us are hoping you'll eat all the buffet food because we really don't want to have loads of party food leftovers. If it's a party food we really like but I won't usually buy, I've probably already kept some behind in the fridge for 'leftovers' the next day.

If I've served it, it's meant to be eaten! Please don't leave me alone in the house with the Hula Hoops! (see above!)

carrotsandcelery · 12/02/2012 21:40

I don't think I explained myself very well earlier.

I put out a buffet for the children.

I expect the food to be eaten by the children and they are welcome to eat all of it if they want to.

I am totally happy for the parents to swoop in afterwards and have a munch.

I don't expect the parents to sit down at the party table with the dcs (when there is home baking available with the tea and coffee for the grown ups) and completely empty the table when the dcs are still eating, forcing me to empty all my tins filling up the plates so that the dcs can get treats too and therefore have nothing left in the tins for the family party later in the day.

I was totally at the rate at which they hoovered the table clean

EmilyStrange · 12/02/2012 21:42

Responding to each individual child's need imo

Lueji · 12/02/2012 21:42

I usually stay because the parents are family or close friends, and some of the other parents are family or friends, so we take the opportunity to chat.

DS didn't feel very comfortable being on his own until he was at least 5, though.

Rowgtfc72 · 12/02/2012 21:52

DD is five in three weeks.I leave her alone at dancing twice a week and at other activities. She's been invited to two parties in the next fortnight and it never crossed my mind I could leave her ! What have I been missing ?

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2012 22:28

Question for hosts - don't you mind doing all the work/entertaining/supervising/feeding whilst other parents sit and drink coffee and and let you get on with it (all those parents who use the time to 'catch up' with the other mums).

takingiteasy · 12/02/2012 22:37

I'll offer to stay as a gesture, never been taken up on it thank goodness!

When I have parties for DS I make sure I have enough adults (DP, parents, aunties, friends etc) to cover and watch all exits. I also have a note of every childs parents number. Never had a problem, had one parent stay but that was more a transport issue which was fine. A few offered/checked out it was ok to dump and run.

DS would be mortified if I stayed!

stella1w · 12/02/2012 23:54

In ye olden days, there was no reception, kids were five already at school. My friends tended to have their parties at home, and really no room for parents, plus we were all from the same school so everyone was local and it made sense for parents to dash home for a couple of hours.
BUT for example, I just did a party for my four year old who is at a nursery up in town, far from where we live and all the parents live all over town. So having got them over to the local church hall, I felt it right to give them some snacks and a sit down as they had come so far. That said, I was pretty disgusted that the parents didn't control their kids better. And that the kids demanded party bags etc. I used to be in awe of my friends' mums.

YouOldSlag · 13/02/2012 00:04

I don't like it when people drop their kids and leave them as if their DD or DS falls or hurts themselves, the blame is at my door, even if I have other kids to watch/candles to light/a cake to slice /games to organise.

If it was a house party, I would only have about 5 guests and I would encourage parents to leave them safe with me.

I am talking about 4 and 5 yos by the way, i think it's a bit different with older kids but I am not at that stage yet.

lydiamama · 13/02/2012 00:04

I love to see mine enjoying and playing, and eating party food, and singing the happy birthday, and so on and on, she is just so so happy that I can not miss it. And it gives me a chance to have a little chat with any other parent around, plus I like to be there just in case she needs to go to the toilet (she will probably do not ask from another unknown adult and she is too little to go herself), or she falls, or she needs a cuddle, or she gets tired......
I will not eat their food anyway......

Original poster

Dancergirl · 13/02/2012 00:04

LisaD1, I wonder how many parents are like you, ie only stay because everyone else stays? Do you think you could start a trend by leaving?

I do wonder if its more about the parents feelings than the child's eg mums wanting to be with their children more...? For the majority of children, isn't a party an opportunity to play with their friends without parents around?

OP posts:

HoneyandHaycorns · 13/02/2012 00:11

nannyogg no, I honestly don't mind, I like the fact that the parents stay, and I enjoy "entertaining" them as much as I do the kids. Though in practice, some always end up helping out in any case.

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