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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

269 replies

Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:04

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

OP posts:
ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 12:46

I do say to the host 'are you okay with parents staying/can I help at all?'. They always bite my hand off. I don't think they want the responsibility of 25 4/5yos tbh and people always help clear up and herd children at appropriate times.

To turn your q around, why shouldn't they stay?

At people's houses we drop and run (having checked that the organiser doesn't need a hand first). Public place, lots of noise and children, toilets separate to hall, several doors to outside plus a whole sports centre for a child to get lost in, I'd be grateful for the extra eyes.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 12/02/2012 12:47

I remember going to help out at my niece's 5th birthday party in a church hall and being shocked that all of the parents stayed. Including, in some cases, the mum and the dad of the child. The last kid's party I'd been to had been my nephew's 6th about 7 years before and none of the parents had stayed. I couldn't believe things had changed so much.

I think it's actually easier to control a group of kids when their parents aren't there. At school Christmas parties all of the children join in with all of the games, because they know that's what the activity is at that time and that they are expected to do it. But when the parents are there they often refuse to join in, chase each other, roll around the floor, etc and there's nothing the party child's parents can do because the other parents are there and allowing their kids to misbehave.

At my niece's 6th birthday party 3 kids were running around the hall and not joining in, while their parents did nothing. At one point they ran into a corridor away from everyone, so I seized the moment and went out and told them it was my niece's party and they were spoiling it, so they either had to go and join in the games or they had to go and sit quietly with their parents. They chose to join in and were fine after that.

My brother was a very clingy young child, but when he started school my mum told him that mums weren't allowed to stay at parties anymore, do he either stayed by himself or he didn't go. He accepted that and went to every party happily.

orangeeyebrowss · 12/02/2012 12:48

ive never stayed, i see it as a couple of hours free babysitting

CrunchyFrog · 12/02/2012 12:48

I love parties Blush

ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 12:52

As a child parents didn't stay. But then when I was a child I never went to a party anywhere other than the birthday child's house. So far, a term and a half in, there's only been one party at home, all others in the sports centre or soft play place. All follow the same pattern, children off playing and enjoying themselves, parents chatting and sipping tea and then leaping up to help at appropriate moments. In fact the last two parties it's had 'parents welcome to stay' written on the invitation.

jamdonut · 12/02/2012 12:54

I'm actually shocked! Shock I have NEVER stayed at a child's party before (and I have 3 DC's),nor would I expect to. It's not for me...its for the kids. How do they ever learn to become independent if you are hovering over them all the time? I think it just adds to the hosting parent's stress, actually, unless they have specifically invited you!
If they are confident enough to host a party, they must be confident enough to deal with one or two tantrums? Hmm

nenevomito · 12/02/2012 12:55

I have to stay with DS - no choice.

I am looking forward to being able to drop DD at parties and run like the wind Grin

I have no idea why anyone else stays.

FaithHopeAndKevin · 12/02/2012 12:55

Some people have never had a bolter and don't understand that an open door is an invitation to leg it.

Some people don't realise my DD will have a meltdown when she wins pass the parcel or doesn't get to sit near X at the table.

Some people don't realise my DS will not ask for the food or drink he likes, he will ignore any adult asking him any question, but will still go into a deep depression if someone (understandably) therefore gives him red squash and ham sarnies.

Some people don't realise DS still expects his bum wiped [grunt]

Some times I want to talk to the other parents. Sometimes I want to get away from the remaining children the one on one time in the car with my child.

sidress · 12/02/2012 12:55

I think unless you have concerns about your child behaving or health issues you may have to help with there is no need to stay. If its too far to go home you can find something else to occupy you and give your kids some independence for an hour or two.

jamdonut · 12/02/2012 12:57

And if its at a party venue, there are usually trained staff on hand to watch /help hosts.

BsshBossh · 12/02/2012 13:00

DH always wants to stay because the weekends are the only times he sees DD properly (aside from mornings before he goes to work) and I like to stay because it's precious family time. There are so many parties in DD's class. I know as she gets older she'll not want us there so for now, why not!

Kangarobber · 12/02/2012 13:00

My DC2 is reception aged and will not stay at a partty without me. She's not confident enough. That's why I stay. With DC1 I would have left him because he was more confident.

BsshBossh · 12/02/2012 13:00

We always help the host when we stay though.

birdsofshoreandsea · 12/02/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moomoomie · 12/02/2012 13:02

You do sound a bit judgy.
I stay with my reception dd because she has toileting problems and SN.

JuliaScurr · 12/02/2012 13:03

Birds & birds I've got one of those. Had to go to school with her, too, but she's cured now (aged 12) so hopefully 6th form college will manage without me.

ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 13:03

I do NOT hover over my child. She barely knows I'm at the party. She has more than an hour or two of independence at school 5 days a week and at karate and taekwondo twice a week. Do NOT imply that by staying at a party (and having valid reasons for doing so), I'm mollycoddling my 4yo dd. I went to a party last Sunday. It was in a sports hall. No staff help out. Just the hosts and 25 4/5yos. The only other thing nearby is an obviously closed high school. It was snowing heavily. But in order to not mollycoddle my child, I'm supposed to walk around outside in the snow for 2 hours with a 5 month old baby?

Don't stay if you don't want to but don't ascribe motives to others who do. We're talking reception age children and the chance for a sit down, a cup of tea and a natter.

carrotsandcelery · 12/02/2012 13:03

Lots of reasons:

To help the parents of the party boy/girl look after all the children.

To help clear up if the party is at a venue - especially if the hosts had to provide and clear up the food.

To get to know the mums and dads of the other children my children socialise with.

To help my dcs with food as they are vegetarians and, in the younger years, weren't always sure what was "safe" for them to have.

To support my ds who has mental health problems, including social problems, although most parents wouldn't know this.

Sometimes just because it isn't clear that it is ok for me to leave.

Sometimes it is a break from the house.

Sometimes it is too far to go home and a waste of petrol etc.

If the parents of the party boy/girl made it clear they were quite happy without us/wanted us to leave then I would.

I would leave my dd much more readily than my ds at that age. It very much can depend upon the child and parents may not be aware of the difficulties children have.

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 13:05

Loads of the parties we go to round here provide food & drink for the adults too - tea & coffee at the very least, and sometimes more grown up nibbles too. It has just become part of the culture, I guess. I think it's nice - why wouldn't you want to get to know the families of your kids' friends.

TBH, when our kids were just 4/5, people were a bit Hmm about the parents who left them, unless they specifically nominated another parent to keep an eye on them. Funnily enough, it was always the worst behaved children who tended to be left!

pigletmania · 12/02/2012 13:06

My dd 4.11 has SN so i would stay, it would be too much for birthday parents to cope with if i left

carrotsandcelery · 12/02/2012 13:08

Honey it has been noticed here too that the tricky kids are the ones taken by another parent or dropped off and left. Not all of them obviously.

Ds's year group is particularly violent and I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him on his own if it was an all boys party for example, where the play wrestling could really get out of hand.

Glittertwins · 12/02/2012 13:09

We stay, but out of the way. I don't like just dumping the pair of them on the host who has a load of other children to cope with too, especially when needing the toilet. The last party that was at a football club had just one child who was left by her parents, at 3 yrs old. I ended up having to take her to the loo as she wasn't big enough to open the door or reach the sink to wash her hands. Thankfully she could do the necessary wiping herself though!

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 13:11

I would say the main reason for the change in parents staying is that many more work full time and so maybe cherish spending time with their children at the weekend. It also gives the parents time to meet other parents.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 13:12

Ok, some fair points.

Does seem a bit odd to me for parents to socialise at a child's birthday though. Not sure I'd be too happy with that as a host in my home, different thing in a hall though.

I suppose my question really is though, WHY the change in one generation? My mum tells me parents didn't stay at parties in the 70s/80s.

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 13:12

The sad part of that, carrots, is that those children tend to get excluded from future party invitations because the other parents know that nobody will stay to supervise them and don't want the hassle of being responsible. :(