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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

269 replies

Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:04

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/02/2012 14:12

When I had hall parties for my children back in the Eighties, the only parents that stayed were friends of mine and they helped.
I too would have hated it if random people that I didn't know that well were hanging around - I would have found it quite intimidating.

kerala · 12/02/2012 14:31

THe ones that stay round here are WOHM who want to see their children as much as they can at weekends you don't see the SAHM ones for dust. Fair enough - though do seem to want entertaining my mother was totally used up at DD (5) last party entertaining them. Still a good time was had by all so it didn't matter. She now knows these parents better than I do Grin.

chattymouth · 12/02/2012 14:34

There only 5 I would hope perents stayed at my kids party. I would stay because my children didn't know the child's family. Also I would be paranoid of my 5yr old wondering off and not been missed.

EmilyStrange · 12/02/2012 15:04

Another one here where eyebrows would be raised if parents didn't stay with young ones and I still consider 5 young. Parents are more likely to ask do you mind if I don't stay. And there are always nibbles for the parents. Plus the parents help give out food, clear up and keep an eye on kids running off/squabbling/whatever.

Very very very judgmental of those of you who sneer at parents who stay. I have also ended up with young children left behind clinging to me at the parties. The hosts have loads to do and extra eyes in some of these big halls is really helpful.

And fwiw I bloody hate staying at these parties, its boring and if I could leg it for a quiet coffee I would love it, but my kids are shy and anxious and will not stay without me, and why should they, they are young. I always stayed with my dd and now she is a lovely, independent, capable girl. So it is a load of crap that we are over mollycoddling our kids.

Feminine · 12/02/2012 15:20

Great post Emily totally agree.

Don't know how anyone could possibly argue with that :)

MyNameIsNotSusan · 12/02/2012 15:23

I would expect parents of reception age children to stay at a party, frankly, and I would always stay myself. Absolutely.

Added to the age thing, I barely know most of the parents at school. I wouldn't leave my children with them. If that makes me 'precious' so be it.

I arsing well hate kids parties, too, so it is a labour of love, trust me.

jamdonut · 12/02/2012 15:35

To be fair, I don't really do "parties" for my kids. We have a couple of special friends over to play and have tea, or go to the cinema or something else that makes it special. I really don't see the point of entertaining a classfull of children, when they are only friends with a handfull. (My kids are 19,15 and 11, now.) Besides, it costs a lot of money to host a big party , which I don't have, and I don't have room at home, so would have to hire somewhere. I definitely wouldn't want parents staying, unless there was special reason for it and this had been discussed and agreed before hand.

I guess I also think of parties for being 5+ years old . If you are having a two or three year old's party, then I can understand parents staying, but to me that is probably more about parent's friendship circles than childrens 'friends' at that age.

purplepansy · 12/02/2012 16:02

If a party at the birthday childs house I'd go and pick them up later but if everyone else was staying that would be fine too. I quite enjoy the chance to catch up with the other parents. If a party at soft play etc, I would definitely stay, and most other people do too. When it has been the party of one of my children there has usually been one or two who are left (soft play parties and a party in the village hall). To be honest, I don't much want the responsibility of looking after someone else's child that I barely know whilst trying to also organise the party - prefer it if parents stay and so have always provided hot drinks and cake for parents.

rosy71 · 12/02/2012 16:16

Ds1 is now 7 and I've nearly always stayed at parties with him because:

  1. He wanted me to;
  2. Dp used to use the car for work at the weekends so we always had to walk/catch a bus, meaning that if I went home, I'd have to come straight back again;
  3. Sitting down with a cup of tea and chatting to other mums was much more relaxing than the alternative (see above);
  4. I work almost full-time, so didn't really want him out without me for part of the weekend as well.
lottiegb · 12/02/2012 16:35

I've wondered the same, though only heard about this second-hand so far, as am expecting first DC. It is in the category of 'things that have clearly changed completely since I was a child.'

I can remember my own and others' fifth birthday parties and many were run by the host mother only, or perhaps with one other adult, with 10-12 children. They were all at the host's house. Soft-play didn't exist we didn't go to places (swimming pool, ice skating, cinema) for birthdays until we were about nine, then with a smaller group of 4 or 5 friends. Some people hired a hall and had 30 children but it was still drop off and pick up. Maybe the parties were longer, I think 3 hours was normal - lots of games, then tea. I think people spend more on parties now - taking 20 children out somewhere didn't happen back in the 70s / 80s, amongst people I knew anyway. Most of our parents worked then too.

forehead · 12/02/2012 16:57

When i had a hall party for my dd's birthday, i was relieved when the parents stayed. I would definitely feel uncomfortable leaving young children at a hall party.

miaowmix · 12/02/2012 17:07

I would love to leave (and do if I get the chance) but my 5 year old dd is quite clingy and cries and begs me to stay if I attempt to leave. It's horrid for her and me but while I truly want to foster her independence, she's just going through a really clingy stage, not at school, just social events!
Bit of a nighmare as she's always been confident. What I do is either stay for a bit and then leave, or leave her crying. What else can you do? I totally get that people giving parties don't want adults hanging around in their house or wherever, but it's not always that simple.
Best case scenario is when parents can adjoin to a pub or similar but still be close at hand.

megapixels · 12/02/2012 17:18

This, from upthread, made my blood run cold.

"If they are confident enough to host a party, they must be confident enough to deal with one or two tantrums?"

Of course everyone enjoys dealing with other people's children's tantrums.

lorcana · 12/02/2012 17:31

i actually kick the parents out - it is annoying having to offer them drinks and have to talk to them too. It is a CHILDREN'S party - the clue is in the name . my eldest is only 5 but have abided by this rule since started partying around 2-3 years.

redlac · 12/02/2012 17:40

I stay at parties cos my DD can be a bit of a cry baby and I'd rather be the one to deal with her rather than a frazzled party host. I do end up dealing with lots of the other wee ones who's parents have left them (sorting broken dress straps, sorting out squabbles over balloons, listening to them tell on others, helping host hand out party grub).

greenbananas · 12/02/2012 17:42

I stay (like Meglet) because DS has serious allergies and an epipen. He would love me to leave him alone, but I simply can't.

However, I do stay in the background, trying to give him his own space, e.g. playing with other children and helping with the washing up etc.

ninah · 12/02/2012 17:46

I hate staying esp the ones where they put on wine and the grown ups get pssed and ignore the kids
Last one I went like that someone's ds was under the weather and begging to go home but dad needed one for the road, and then another (mum was driving)
vile
I never do school gate thankfully, and the friends I have are friends regardless of their parental status. Don't judge anyone for staying tho, if it floats your boat or your dc need you why not?

ElsieMc · 12/02/2012 17:51

I hate staying at parties because I am anti-social. However, I don't think it's fair at some of the bigger parties attended that the poor mum/dad has loads of other children to look after. Thats it basically, but if it was only a small party I wouldn't stay if the host offered.

YouOldSlag · 12/02/2012 17:56

YANBU. I stay because I feel it's only fair I keep an eye on my unruly 5yo. I do this from the sidelines whilst using it as a good chance to socialise with the other Mums I only usually see at the school gates.

If it's a house party, I don't think parents are expected to stay and the numbers are usually smaller.

When parents of 4 and 5yos DON'T stay I sometimes think it's cheeky that they are expecting all the other parents to pick up the tab so to speak so they can have time off. Once they are 6 or 7 I would maybe think twice about staying, but my 5yo needs an occasional dirty look to keep him in check.

soverylucky · 12/02/2012 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorcana · 12/02/2012 18:05

what if they asked you to leave and there were plenty of helpers there ?

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 18:05

The most annoying thing is when they not only stay but have siblings in tow who of course want to sit and have food and party bags

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 12/02/2012 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 12/02/2012 18:12

"The most annoying thing is when they not only stay but have siblings in tow who of course want to sit and have food and party bags" but if you have no childcare what do you do?

It often says on invites I get "Parents must stay".

This is because the poor party Mum at the Scout Hall is taking stuff out of the oven, supervising pass the parcel and lighting birthday candles whilst being expected to be solely responsible for a load of 5 year olds. I like to help out by clearing tables, sitting in the pass the parcel circle, and keeping an eye on the kids.

If it's a Scout Hall/Community Centre, it has to be restored to order before they can leave. So extra hands are usually welcome.

LisaD1 · 12/02/2012 18:22

I stay because the majority of the other parents do! My youngest is 4 but very confident/outgoing (unlike my eldest who is 12- and they have both been raised the same, just different personalities), she wouldn't care at all if I left but I would feel bad if she were the only one without a parent there.

I absolutely hate other people's children's parties and if I could escape guilt free I would, at the moment I can't so I grin and bear it because my daughter loves her littele friends and enjoys socialising with them.

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