To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

[Dancergirl]

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

For me personally, it's nothing to do with spending time with my dd, and I barely interact with her from start to finish - though I do enjoy watching her have fun with her friend's every now and then.

I don't expect to spend time with her at the party at all, but I am available for her if she needs me. Most of the time, I'm having far too much fun with the other parents to want to get involved with the kids!

I would still stay for small kids even if I didn't like the other parents, but as we are all good friends, it seems natural enough to hang around and chat/help as required.

"I do wonder if its more about the parents feelings than the child's eg mums wanting to be with their children more...? For the majority of children, isn't a party an opportunity to play with their friends without parents around"

Dancer, so many people have answered your question and with myriad reasons explaining why they stay. All valid. Some parents have to stay in order for their children to feel comfortable and catered for, some hosts expect you to stay, the venues sometimes require that extra adult input, some parents just like to stay.

I don't much like the repeated, albeit occasional, insinuation that it's helicoptering or mollycoddling or all about the parents. But you get it in every arena. BFing, education etc. All these caring and interested parents foisting themselves on their children.

We're talking about 4 and 5yo dc. These dc are in reception. They spend a lot of time away from their parents. Their independence is being fostered in all sorts of ways. I've been to lots of parties since dd started reception in September. Most, nearly all, parents stay when it's outside the home. I've never seen helicoptering or mollycoddling. Helping and troubleshooting occasionally yes. Smothering, no.

What ShowofUmbleAnds said.

No helicoptering here, it's that I being courteous to the host. Unless it was a house party, a party host mother cannot be expected to supervise 25 unruly 4 or 5 year old kids with no other parents there.

It's partly a Health and Safety issue and partly just being nice to a fellow mum who might need a hand.

As for the ridiculous helicoptering label- I pretty much ignore my son the whole time as he is busy doing his own thing and can got to toilet/fetch a drink without me.

I used to stay because

1. there was inevitably actual bloodshed at whole class parties due to the more out of control kids being invited (their parents inevitably didn't stay!)
2. My dd felt nervous of being left because of this
3. Its a great opportunity to make friends with other parents and get to know your child's classmates better

I stay but that's to ease DHs over protectiveness and mine

Plus with the twins it's easier to just hang around rather than hauling them in and out of the pram/car seat etc

I'd rather leave tbh - I'm not a big socialiser and find the parents seem to have there own groups so end up feeling abit left out/extra - but as I said I stay for DD and because of twins.

Do you all stay when they are in school ? It is the hostring parents responsability to provide adequate supervision. I definitely leave my three eldest aged 3 4 and 5. My younger DDs don't really go to parties yet or go to tea parties with their nanny.

Do you all stay when they are in school? No because:

1. The teacher is qualified and first aid trained and has additional staff, resources and teaching assistants on hand to help.
2. children are generally quieter at school in a quiet classroom than they are at a disco with loads of balloons flying around.
3. There are accident books and Health and Safety laws in place at school.
4. The teacher isn't trying to give them a buffet, a load of party games and light candles on a birthday cake at the same time as teaching them.
5. There are usually reward charts and/or a discipline system in schools that the child is aware of and which therefore motivates them to behave better.

The scenario is totally different from a party where they can go nuts and get over excited.

Yes, I did have to go to school with dd due to her anxiety. It was a choice of that or stay home. Likewise, parties. Fortunately, we had sympathetic teachers/party hosts so dd is now cured.

lorcana no I do not stay with dd at school, but because she's nervous and young it's taken a whole term to settle her well at school. This has taken v careful handling in the mornings and going in with her and waiting for much longer than I would have preferred each day. Now she goes straight in happily I'm out of there like the wind! Part of the difference is that she now really knows and trusts her teacher and TA very well and is totally familiar with and happy in the school environment. Leaving her at school is completely different than leaving her for a one-off occasion with a parent she may not know at all in a strange house or hall she may never have been to before.

My eldest is a completely different character and I never had any of that first time at school -we waved and in he went. He has stayed at parties alone quite happily if parents weren't asked to stay since he was 4.

I know your children are not like my dd and I accept and understand that. I appreciate that all children are different .

OMG - I give up ! All your DCs would be fine .. Do me a favour and next party just drop them swiftly and say 'bye love , have fun and see you at 6 - I can't wait to hear all about it '. Drive off. I promise you will have nothing but wonderful tales at pick up !!

lorcana- and the poor mother organising it all will have had a nervous breakdown from looking after 25 4 year olds, but hey, I'm all right Jack!

Some parents want to stay - for helicoptering purposes, for 'need' or just because they want to. All of those reasons have been given on the thread.

It is different from the 70s, I think. If I'd been grizzling at being left at a party I would have been taken home straight away, but I only remember parties at houses, not halls. Perhaps that makes all the difference?

Sure Lorcana. Thanks for the offer. I'll drop her feeding tubes and oxygen too. What a star

Surely the host parent prepares, so ensures there will be enough adult helpers, beforehand. I certainly wouldn't organise any event on the basis that some people, not quite sure who or how many, might stay to assist. That would be deliberately seeking to induce a nervous breakdown!

lottie- why would a few Mums chatting in a corner and helping to clear a table afterwards give the host mum a nervous breakdown?

DD refused to stay without me (timid).

DS1 was prone to misbehaviour & I didn't want to come back & hear about it, if you want him to behave while I was there, best that I stayed.

DS2 refused to attend parties at that age, and he's the worst behaved; I quietly hope he'll never get invited to a party again :(.

DS3 is so lovely I'll probably enjoy staying & watching him have fun.

I think some of you expect that kids like mine should just turn down all party invites instead(?)

Parties are the BEST place to bond with other parents in the year group & hear the year group/school gossip. Kids get invited to more parties if you stick around & get on friendly terms with the other parents.

YOS - totally opposite inteepretation to the point I was making! Running an event without adequate support and crucially, without knowing in advance that this support would be available, seems to me to be poor planning.

If, as you suggested above, your not choosing on the day to stay would cause a nervous breakdown on the part of the host, as there would not be enough helpers, I'd say that host was being rather irresponsible in not planned properly and gained commitment in advance from enough adults.

Lorcana why so mean? People have explained perfectly valid reasons. I really, really do not want to mollycoddle my child, far from it, to the extent that I have left her crying at parties (She wants to attend them and I know she's fine when I pick her up, it's just an initial shyness). But not all children are confident at 4 and 5 and some have differing needs.
I understand from the party giver's point of view that it can be a hassle to have loads of adults cluttering up your house, which is why I always respect their wishes, but it genuinely upsets my dd at the moment to be left. She's going through a clingy phase. Sorry if that makes me a helicopter parent in your eyes. I'm really not.

And Lorcana, for the record, I have been at parties when DD was younger where parents dropped off 3 and even 2 year olds (siblings), left them there, and all the other parents end up picking up the slack, changing nappies even. One party there was a 3 year old boy sobbing in the house while everyone trooped out to the park to play games - I found him and had to hold his hand throughout.
To leave a three year old is actually quite selfish on a parents' part I think.

When we had DS we were rather shocked that parents expected to stay (never used to happen when we were little!) once they reached 5 but have had to review opinion with DD who is altogether more clingy. She has got a lot better but recently the girls at the parties have started having personality clashes (over friendships and fuelled by over-excitement) and DW has considered it wise to be there if only to bring DD to order if she's acting 'out of order.'

However, on the plus side it is a good way to actually get beyond the friendly hellos that are often the basis of most school playground parent encounters. It's not until you sit down over a cup of tea/coffee at a party that you start to get to know other parents properly!

Gosh! I hope parents are intending to stay at my ds's 4th party next week. I really don't fancy looking after 20+ children nearly all under 3. I'd like to be able to be looking after ds and watching him have fun not spend the time taking children to the loo! + it's a chance to meet some of the parents from ds's nursery that he'll be going to school with for the next 7 years!

I wouldn't worry, LadyMontdore, it seems to be something that starts when children reach reception age. After all, we quite happily leave them at school or day so a party is no different really.

Have you invited the parents LadyM? Sounds from most of the thread as though you'd be hard-pressed to discourage them though!

What I've learnt from this thread, for reference in 4 or 5 years time, is to be specific on the invitations, so that I know roughly how many people of what age group I am expecting to entertain and can ensure any necessary support and other preparations are in place. So, another 'it's all changed, this is what happens now' thread for me!