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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

269 replies

Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 12:04

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 12/02/2012 13:15

I would have left DDs but not DSs. DDs were sensible. DSs had speech delays and were very clumsy, had several trips to A&E-some serious. Also, having been to many parties, often parents are too busy to supervise properly. So it is a case of knowing when your child is ready.

ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 13:17

As I said upthread, in the 80s I never, ever went to a party which wasn't in the host's house. Having a child in reception, I've only once dropped her at a party in the host's house. A sports hall is a very different place to somebody's front room.

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 13:18

OP, most parties in the 1970s/80s were held at home - maybe 6-10 children so relatively easier to manage. These days, people tend to hire out halls and invite the whole reception class, so that's a lot harder for the host parents to manage.

I imagine very few parents stay for the smaller at-home parties even now.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 13:20

I remember having a few parties in halls in the late 70s...

OP posts:
Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 13:20

Less mum's worked in the 70's for sure, I think that's why

carrotsandcelery · 12/02/2012 13:20

Honey this is true. You also learn to dread the phonecall from their mum asking if you could give them a lift there as you know you will feel responsible for the dreadful behaviour once they get there. Poor kids. Sad

Obviously perfectly lovely dcs are also left at parties. It has just been noted in our village that a certain few children are never accompanied by their parents and when you see their behaviour you see why they drop and run Grin

KittyFane · 12/02/2012 13:20

I suppose my question really is though, WHY the change in one generation? My mum tells me parents didn't stay at parties in the 70s/80s.

I suppose for the same reason I don't let DD ride her bike for miles and come back 'whenever' ! I grew up in the 70s/80s and was free as a bird. Nowadays DC tend to go everywhere and stay with an adult.

KittyFane · 12/02/2012 13:21

To add, because we are not used to leaving them, this spills over into party etiquette too!

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 13:22

I would very happy if parents wanted to socialise in my house during the party. Why not?

PamPerdbrat · 12/02/2012 13:23

I'd feel a bit cheeky just leaving him. It's not free childcare! And some parents might not have the confidence to ask for help. I don't like the thought of some poor harassed mummy being left all alone with 40 kids! Grin

If it was a smaller gathering, I might leave him then.

carrotsandcelery · 12/02/2012 13:23

I think the parents maybe knew each other better in the 70's as fewer went to work and communities were maybe a bit tighter too.

I wouldn't be so keen to stay if it was in the host's house, unless I was invited to stay and I do get cross when the Mums sit down and stuff themselves eat a bit more than is polite from the party buffet, never thinking if you might have other plans for any leftovers.

PamPerdbrat · 12/02/2012 13:28

Yes hedge I provide wine and nibbles for mums and dads; it's nice to relax and chat.

My nan used to help my mum with my parties when I was young in the 90's. My Dad used to work late to avoid them Hmm and none of the other mums stayed I don't think. My auntie helped as well when I was very young, so the ratio of adults to children was about 1:4. Now families aren't as close, maybe mums feel guilty about leaving the hosting mum all on her own iyswim?

ShowOfUmblestAnds · 12/02/2012 13:28

The other thing is, you say 'I don't remember parents staying when I was young' but you're at school for 12yrs. And after reception children have made friends, it's a more manageable group which knows each other. So I look back and I actually only remember smaller groups and knowing the parents/house fairly well and my parents knowing the other parents. There may well have been parties with 25/30 children there but they would surely only be for the first year and with reception aged children. So you're remembering what happened throughout primary and high school and not just one year before friendships were established. It might not have changed at all after all and reception is just one year and different to later years when things change for many reasons.

Glittertwins · 12/02/2012 13:29

We've got some of their friends over for birthday tea next week. We'll definitely be getting nibbles for the parents as I'm expecting them to stay and they are good friends of ours too. The house simply isn't big enough to cope with a full on party and at this time of year, I can't really turn them all out into the garden ;)

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 13:32

In 1970's mothers working full time was around 15% by 1996 it was 29%. I presume it is more than that now.

More women working full time might mean more want to spend time with their children outside working hours. I suspect in the 70's most mothers would have been very happy to dump and run!

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 13:35

Carrot and celery

I am Shock that you would put a buffet out and not expect people to eat it!

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 13:38

I don't remember going to a single party in a hall when I was a kid - they were all at people's houses.

I enjoy socialising with the other parents - we like to chat at kids' parties, we have parents' nights out and sometimes we get together as whole families. If that makes me odd, then so be it - I reckon there are lots of other odd parents out there! Grin

CrashLanded · 12/02/2012 13:42

Up to and including 7 years, I stay with DC. dD now over 7 so I don't stay with her any more at parties.

Also, it depends on the venue and distance. A party at a home, I tend to leave the host to deal with dc. If the party is at a public venue I stick around, following an incident last time I was foolish enough not to have stayed.

Last time i allowed someone else to accompany dd to a party at a soft play centre, dd (reception aged at the time) got hurt (first aid required). None of the other party parents cared - including the one who had volunteered to watch over her (who initially denied she was in loco parentis, until the manager pointed out that said parent had signed dd in!) and my dd spent the length of the party being comforted by the manager and her staff, who, not surprisingly, had strong words with me at the end of the party when I came to collect dd. Lesson learnt.

KalSkirata · 12/02/2012 13:46

while we have all the party ppl on a thread...
Ideas for 8 yo girls party. Now she cannot move or speak but all her friends coming are non disabled. Last year we did musical statues and chucking balloons and party poppers about. (dont say pass the parcel. Im too disorganised for that)
Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Grin

HoneyandHaycorns · 12/02/2012 13:48

:( crash-landed poor dd. I'm a bit Shock that none of the other parents seemed to care. Don't think that would happen around here.

It's easy to assume that they'll be ok, but I guess you never know. I do leave my dd sometimes now (6 and a half) but only if I know the host well or if another parent is staying who I know & trust. I wouldn't have left her when she was younger.

Ample · 12/02/2012 13:52

Well a lot of things have changed since the 70's and 80's OP.
Seriously, you wouldn't want a list.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2012 13:55

I think it's maybe that some parents don't oten get to see their children 'at play' with others very often and want to enjoy watching them in a party setting.

Kangarobber · 12/02/2012 13:56

Shock people actually put out buffet food and are then resentful if it all gets eaten. Wow.

I'd be surprised if most of us remember parties from when we're 4/5 and I know from other areas of parenting my mum's memory is not quite what she thinks it is. I doubt anything has changed very much. I do remember whole class parties from the early 80s, but we were 6/7/8 then, not 4/5.

I tend to check if it is OK for me to stay if the party's in someone's house and explain that otherwise DD won't come because she won't be left, but if it's at softplay there's usually a table set out for parents and at most parties the hosts run a tab for hot drinks for the adults who stay. It's about 50/50 stay and drop-off. I'll always help out if needed. It's never been a problem. I'm surprised people get so wound up about it. We've even got used to dealing with unexpected siblings when hosting and always have spare food and a few extra party bags. The idea is to have fun, not end up grumbling and resentful Smile.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/02/2012 13:57

When dd had her 5th birthday we hired the village hall and invited over 40 kids. One parent stayed, the majority of the rest went to the pub over the road! I did have my mil and sil with me thankfully and we'd hired an entertainer so they were all glued to him. But I was surprised more parents didn't stay.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 12/02/2012 13:59

Yes I suppose so ample, and not all of them for the better!

I dunno, some of the most successful parties we've hosted have been where parents didn't stay. Children tend to behave better for other people and the whole event was just a lot calmer.

OP posts:
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