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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my SIL?

201 replies

RoxanneY · 12/02/2012 11:50

I will be honest and say my SIL are not on great terms since I got married...think typical MILs getting jealous their son has been taken away from them and she's the same but with her brother...my DH. We agreed back in April that we would wipe the slate clean and start again for my DH's sake, and we would both think before speaking to avoid 'acidentally' upsetting one another.

Classic comment from her to me ''these jeans are massive, they'll fit you'' - I am a size 10/12 hardly 'massive', and even if I was, not the way to speak to someone!

Another classic from her was at a family meal and DH announced I was pregnant and she promptly announced over the table 'Dad...Dad...Guess what I'm pregnant too!' - of course she.was not pregnant, just attention seeking. She is 26 by the way....

Anyway I just found out that she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend. AIBU to feel annoyed 1. She has gone behind my back and asked DH not me (I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required and I also feel she wants me out of her way so she can show off) 2. I am not ready to leave my DS yet, especially when he has his first cold which DH told her about before she made the invitation.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 11:54

Well it depends on her intentions really

She might be stirring or she might be genuinely wiping the slate clean as agreed, and being thoughtful.

Either way, your DS will be with his Dad so I'd take advantage of the peace and quiet if I were you.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 12/02/2012 11:55

No of course YANBU but Lord Ben E Fitte of Dought is your friend here.

Thank her PROFUSELY for the offer but say you couldn't DREAM of imposing on her to that extent what with DS being under the weather, but my goodness how you appreciate the offer and you will so look forward to taking a rain check for the VERY FIRST time you and DH feel ready for a romantic evening a deux.

Then say of course DH will come along for the footy with her DBF if he wants to but of course the choice is his.

Would that work.

Congrats on DS btw!!!

fivegomadindorset · 12/02/2012 11:56

Why isn't your DH allowed any say in child care arrangements?

tiddleypompom · 12/02/2012 11:57

My view would be that for reason 2 alone, YANBU - it would be too early for me to leave my DS at 7 weeks also.

However your response to the situation is clearly very coloured by your dislike of SIL - and given she is your son's aunty, you need to try and put this to bed or at least aside to be fair to your DH and DS.

Remember that she may not love you, but she does love her db and dn - and you may find you could benefit from an afternoon off once in a while! When you're ready of course.

Kayano · 12/02/2012 11:57

.... Why do you get more say that DH? What the heck happened to equal
Parenting?

myth?

redskyatnight · 12/02/2012 11:57

I don't see the problem with her asking DH rather than you. DH should have checked you were ok with it though. If you didn't had the history and it was, say, your best friend asking would you feel it was totally out of order?

boredandrestless · 12/02/2012 11:58

If you don't want someone you don't get on with looking after your 7 WEEK old baby that's fine. You can just say no.

How is your DH with regards to your SIL usually?

Kayano · 12/02/2012 11:58

That was just in regards
To point 1 btw, if you aren't ready to leave
Him at all then that's slightly
Different

LaurieFairyCake · 12/02/2012 12:00

Your dh would be in charge of the baby - she would just be 'helping'.

Maybe it's too early for you but at some point you might appreciate it.

She probably didn't mention it to your dh thinking you'd be offended - she could have just assumed he had equal say in childcare arrangements Wink

ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 12:00

What the others said. H is the dad, no?

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 12:01

If you don't want to leave him, tell her.

But your DP is the child's father and should have equal say in any childcare arrangements and you need to realise that.

Being the mother doesn't give you the automatic right to veto your DP's decisions WRT to your child.

Kayano · 12/02/2012 12:03

waves at hathor are You my alter ego?

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 12/02/2012 12:04

Could I just add...I agree with those who are saying continue to wipe the slate clean

Also the two examples you give of her mouthing off are, on the face of it, horrendous, but in context they might have a whole different complexion: she might have been being wistfully ironinc with the jeans size for example. I frequently refer to my dearest size 10 friend as a bloody fat cow: I am 18/20. Just a thought...

I stay with my YANBU iro the not leaving baby yet bit though: but be nice about it!

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 12:05

Sending you a PM Grin Kayano

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 12:10

I actually think it's a really sweet offer. Your perspective on it is likely skewed because you generally don't like her. Offering you some time out is a lovely gesture. It might be too early for you, but how is she to know that?

So yes, YABU I think, but I suspect if you are able to see the situation objectively, you will get that.

YADBU about your DH not having a say on childcare. It is his place as much as yours to make arrangements, and neither of you should be doing it without the others approval. You will likely (and deservedly) come up against resistance if you try to steamroller your opinion over DH's.

weddingringdilemma · 12/02/2012 12:20

Yanbu. She should have asked you, your ds is only 7 weeks old and only you have the right to decide if you are ready to be separated from him yet, not your dh.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 12:24

That's not the point though, weddingring. Why should the SIL have to bypass her brother to speak to the OP? It's hardly likely that the DH would have whipped the baby away from the OP without discussing it with her. The OP seems aggrieved because she wasn't regarded as the only person with an opinion on her DC's childcare. Which is plainly ridiculous, and if the OP had a good relationship with her SIL, I'm sure she would see this.

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2012 12:25

YANBU to be concerned about leaving your 7wo while he has a cold. YABa bit U to be pissed off that she asked her brother rather than you, because you obviously don't get on.

However, unlike several posters on here, I think YANBthatU to prefer to make childcare decisions yourself at the moment, depending on how much of it DH has done himself so far. If anyone else had asked my DH at that early stage, he wouldn't have had a fucking clue what was required to look after DS without me there (and in fact it would have been fairly difficult as I was bf'ing DS) - so he would quite likely have agreed without a thought around the practicalities.
While I'm sure some men take to responsible fatherhood like a duck to water, not all do and 4y on, mine is still learning to think first (and not always managing it).
It's not like I haven't given him the opportunity either - I don't always do everything and exclude him, far from it - but so far he's nearly let DS drown twice, and allowed him to fall out of the trampoline net onto concrete because he'd forgotten to zip it up. He learns specifically from each mistake but not generally to consider how things could go wrong. The only thing he is wary of is DS and boiling water as he was at school with a child who was scarred from being scalded as a 2yo. He's good around the fire/ oven as well, fair enough.

Ok, enough ranting from me, sorry.

Original poster
RoxanneY · 12/02/2012 12:25

I probably sound like DH is a doormatt but yes we are equally responsible for DS. I agree that yes SIL would approach DH regarding babysitting first not me as we aren't close.

I have explained to DH that SIL is welcome to come and visit anytime which he is happy with. I haven't said this to DH but I wouldn't trust SIL to look after a baby on her own, maybe when he is older, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Its a bit hard to describe but when DS was 4 weeks old she was had him balanced on her lap in a sitting position waving both her hands around, luckily FIL got in first and shouted at her to be careful with him, it seriously scared me!

Out of interest when did everyone else first leave their babies? I have no idea if I'm being normal or not?! I'm definitely not leaving him whilst he's sick though that's for sure!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 12/02/2012 12:29

Her turn will come with babies, this is yours so no I wouldnt let him visit with out you.

What kind of 26 year old lies about being pg? bit odd isnt it.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 12:32

There is no normal when it comes to leaving babies for the first time. Some people are ready after a couple of weeks, some won't be ready for several months or even longer.

I'm glad you understand why SIL approached your DH, I hope you will 'allow' him an equal say in her being able to babysit as well. Your DS is as much his afterall.

I also hope that you can see the good in your SIL's offer. Your past relationship with her might make that difficult, but for the sake of your family, you would be best to assume her intentions are good.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 12:36

SIL asked her brother to bring the baby round - he is the baby's father and as far as I read it, the plan is that he will be there - the baby isn't going to be left with SIL on her own?

I just don't get the POV that the mother has superior rights over children purely because she possesses a vagina.

Mother and father have equal rights and believe me, there will be many many times when you and your DH disagree on how to parent. And this notion that the mother's view trumps the father's is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
RoxanneY · 12/02/2012 12:42

Yes I definitely think its best to assume SIL has the best intentions, but I do have a nagging feeling that she just wants me out of the way. Every time we see her she pulls my DH away for secret chats - I have no idea what about and probably don't want to. She also tells her 16year old sister 'eating is cheating' when it comes to getting drunk and stupid things like that. It just makes me feel she isn't responsible enough to babysit on her own yet.

I feel worried that DH will just agree to her offers without asking me first and then putting me in.the awkward position of having to say 'no actually I'm not comfortable with that'.

If she had her own kids or had more experience it would give me more confidence I think.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 12:50

With respect, I think you're reaching. From what I understand, she hasn't even asked to babysit on her own. She's asked for some time with her DN so she can learn how to look after him. This would take place while your DH and hers would be there. You can't get much more responsible than that really.

I know it's hard sometimes, but you can't always have your own way when you don't like someone.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 12:52

If you don't trust your DH to make sensible decisions WRT care for your DS you have bigger problems than your SIL

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