AIBU to be annoyed with my SIL?

[RoxanneY]

I will be honest and say my SIL are not on great terms since I got married...think typical MILs getting jealous their son has been taken away from them and she's the same but with her brother...my DH. We agreed back in April that we would wipe the slate clean and start again for my DH's sake, and we would both think before speaking to avoid 'acidentally' upsetting one another.

Classic comment from her to me ''these jeans are massive, they'll fit you'' - I am a size 10/12 hardly 'massive', and even if I was, not the way to speak to someone!

Another classic from her was at a family meal and DH announced I was pregnant and she promptly announced over the table 'Dad...Dad...Guess what I'm pregnant too!' - of course she.was not pregnant, just attention seeking. She is 26 by the way....

Anyway I just found out that she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend. AIBU to feel annoyed 1. She has gone behind my back and asked DH not me (I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required and I also feel she wants me out of her way so she can show off) 2. I am not ready to leave my DS yet, especially when he has his first cold which DH told her about before she made the invitation.

Maybe you should voice to your DH how the 'secret chats' make you feel - it is rude to whisper after all :o and you're not being U to feel excluded if that is going on.

I really feel for you but FWIW suggest a conversation with DH is the best course of action to avoid unhappy situations in the future. If she is trying to 'get you out the way' you'll need to be united. Casting aspertions on SIL's parenting skills isn't v fair and may make you look like the one with the problem.

Roxanne,

I think you are not being unreasonable not to want to leave your 7 week old baby. I did pop out occasionally when my baby was small but only with my mum and DH. And only for an hour as I was breastfeeding. I didn't really leave him very much at all till he started full-time nursery at 9mo and have just planned our first overnight stay away when he will be 24mo (slightly dreading it to be honest). So it's all about when you feel ready.

Agree with everyone else though that it's fine for her to ask your DH about taking care of the baby. He is the baby's dad and her brother. I love my SIL but she'd probably still ask my DH to look after our son as they are family.

Also I think if you don't have kids, it is hard to appreciate that early biological fierceness that means the mother feels physically attached to her child. So it does seem reasonable to people to offer to give sleep-deprived new parents "time off" or "time away". Loads of people offered this to me in a kind way and I got irritated that everyone wanted to separate me and my baby all the time (hormones ). Even my MIL who breastfed four babies! People are just so excited and besotted with new babies.

So just say to your DH that it's too early to be separated and let him deal with his sister. Maybe she could come over and help your DH bath the baby or some other job where she could join in?

I think after chewing it over on here I am being unreasonable to be annoyed with SIL on this occasion. I think what I am worried about is my DH agreeing for her to babysit on her own without okaying it with me first.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting SIL to babysit alone whilst DS is still a baby, as I mentioned before I will think about it when he's older. She is welcome to visit anytime, so I'm not preventing her from having a relationship with him by any means even though I don't like her.

I'm not ready to leave DS with anyone yet anyway so possibly I'm getting a bit ahead of myself by worrying who I do and don't want babysitting.

I have said in the past to DH that I don't feel happy with the secret chats but it caused an almighty row so I'm trying to be as nice as possible to everyone to avoid a big row again. I suppose I feel like I'm being put in the position of having to rock the boat by saying no, when really I'd rather the whole thing had never come up.

In the nicest possible way, you need to let go and give your DH the ability and trust to parent as well, you know.

I'm sure he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise your DS.

And I totally get that he's young and you don't want to leave him yet, but parenting is an exercise in compromise.

And I know I sound smug and preachy and I'm not if you'd heard my fishwife impression earlier to DD you'd know that but it's not down to you to think about it - it's down to you and your DH to discuss things as equals and make a joint decision.

Sorry RoxanneY, I just knew people would end up jumping up and down because of what you posted about your say in child care arrangements.

At 7 weeks baby is still very new, and so is a new mum! I would like to think that in the same situ, I would have the say in whether baby and I were ready - NOT dh.

Fwiw my dd was 11 weeks old when I left her (with her dgp's) for the first time. It was my best friends wedding and if it wasn't an important event, it would have been much later.

YANBU, your SIL sounds very me-me-me-me and immature but start off as you mean to go on, iykwim, don't cause fresh animosity.
As you say, you are starting off with a clean slate.
I think SarahDoctor's reply sums it up best for me

Please try to remember she's not asking to babysit on her own. Her suggestion was an excellent idea, hopefully you get that.

I do hope you realise that if you're expecting DH to get your approval on babysitters (which he should, btw), you need to get his too. Your OP seemed to suggest you thought you should decide this.

Also not really seeing the problem with the secret chats tbh. She wanted to have a conversation with her brother and preferred to do it without the presence of someone who doesn't like her. You're going to have to trust your DH that they're not secretly being mean about you.

No on the grounds that baby is 7wks, she doesn´t need to "learn to look after him", she pretended to be pregnant when you announced that you were.

You're not leaving your 7 week old baby anyway

His Dad is simply taking him to visit his family for a few hours...that's all.

I think the root of this lies with the fact you can't stand your SIL...and has nothing to do with the fact you're 'not ready to leave him'

YANBU

FFS! Maybe OP didn't word it that well, but then she is no doubt sleep deprived, but the bond between tiny newborn and mum is stronger than with the Dad, it just IS. Most DHs have no choice but to be away from their babies as they go back to work, most Mums don't and do feel more attached (as they have been for 9 months). Therefore I agree that at THIS AGE, Mums do have more of a right (not sole rights) and that an approach to her would've been nice.

HOWEVER as SIL has no kids of her own she can't possibly know this.

I would be inclined to politely decline, explain the bond, it's nothing personal etc and that you will gladly take her up on her kind offer at a later date. In the meantime, she is welcome (even if that's a lie!) to come to yours to visit, cuddle etc and perhaps you could shower/eat or just lounge drinking tea.

The SIL won't be babysitting.

The father of the child is taking him out for a couple of hours for a visit.

And how dare anyone suggest that the bond between a mother and a newborn is stronger than that with a father? That I find offensive in the extreme and I'm a woman.

Really? I know my husband feels very close to DD and did from day 1, but inevitably he HAD to leave her in order to go back to work. I on the other hand was still a mess of hormones, was breastfeeding, had gestated her for 9 months and hadn't been more than a matter of feet away from her since she'd been born. Don't you think that this DOES make a difference?

In some cases, not all hathorinareddress, a newborn bond between mother and baby IS stronger than that between baby and father. GJ isn't saying they love any less.

Oh dear me, I've dared to suggest it!

I'm sorry but no I don't.

When it comes to parenting decisions right from the moment the child is born, both parents, especially if they are living together in a relationship should have an equal say.

My rights as a mother do not trump my partners, that is honestly a very dangerous road to go down.

As I've said, I totally understand the op not wanting the baby far away, but she and her DH need to have a discussion and their views need to BOTH be taken into account, equally.

Well when my baby was 7wks I was a bfeeding SAHM.

I got the say.

So when is the man allowed some say in what happens with his own child?

Oh for goodness sake this has nothing to do with a 'bond'

The child's going out for a few hours with is Dad

I'm sure the Mum won't pine away...infact she'll probably spend the time catching up on much needed sleep.

This is a family visit, not a world tour.

And Diddl, as a BF SAHM, did you never leave your baby with your DP while you went to the supermarket? This baby is almost 2 months.

It's a visit, as Worra says to a family member for a couple of hours.

A bit of perspective would be useful.

Ok well IMO OP is NBU. I understand her PoV & decided to try to quantify why she might feel that way given my experience. You can say she's being unreasonable but this has turned into yet another bloody attack thread.'

Probably, yes.

That´s not quite the same though, is it?

I think that there are a number of things going on.

OP doesn´t like her SIL for one.

If SIL wants her brother to visit with his son, why not say that?

What´s with all the "she needs to learn to look after him"?

It´s SIL who has turned what should be a visit to family into a childcare issue.

Why can´t OP visit as well?

It must be hard to have your baby taken to visit someone you don´t like/who doesn´t like you.

I have been a BF SAHM mum.

And I still would have discussed with my DH if he wanted to go and visit his family and take the baby with him.

The benefit of BF is that the visit would, of necessity, be short.

And I totally get that the OP doesn't want to leave the baby or have the baby go elsewhere.

But this notion that because she is the mother, she has first dibs on what happens is a recipe for disaster. When does it end? When does the dad get the right to say "I want to take DS to xyz for a couple of hours" and be allowed to go as an equal responsible parent who can be trusted with his own child?

Quite diddl, sil made ops absence a requirement, not op. MIL & SIL used to do that too. It most certainly was not about giving me a break,'therefore I felt uncomfortable.

I think YAbu a bit and possibly a mix of your dislike of her and still being in postpartum is firing it up. There's always posts on here from people wishing their family paid more attention to their children, so in some ways it's nice she offered.

I don't understand why you think she's showing off, honestly, and I'd relax let them go and have a good snurkle at the thought of her covered in puke n snot as you relax.

It was NOT suggested that the dad has no say, that's an obtuse take on it. Of course he has a say, but I feel that the ultimate decision at tiny newborn stage comes down to mum. There is no timeframe, each set up & circumstances are different & a bit of common sense would've told you that.