AIBU to be annoyed with my SIL?

[RoxanneY]

I will be honest and say my SIL are not on great terms since I got married...think typical MILs getting jealous their son has been taken away from them and she's the same but with her brother...my DH. We agreed back in April that we would wipe the slate clean and start again for my DH's sake, and we would both think before speaking to avoid 'acidentally' upsetting one another.

Classic comment from her to me ''these jeans are massive, they'll fit you'' - I am a size 10/12 hardly 'massive', and even if I was, not the way to speak to someone!

Another classic from her was at a family meal and DH announced I was pregnant and she promptly announced over the table 'Dad...Dad...Guess what I'm pregnant too!' - of course she.was not pregnant, just attention seeking. She is 26 by the way....

Anyway I just found out that she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend. AIBU to feel annoyed 1. She has gone behind my back and asked DH not me (I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required and I also feel she wants me out of her way so she can show off) 2. I am not ready to leave my DS yet, especially when he has his first cold which DH told her about before she made the invitation.

If the OP is too scared of rowing with her DH to make her feelings known on this, then her problems are definitely not with her SIL.

Tidydancer - again, agree totally

I thought that Karma meant the row on here!

No, I meant the row she had with her dh when she talked to him about the 'secret chats'.

I think the problems are probably more to do with the dh's handling of all this.

No, I meant the row she had with her dh when she talked to him about the 'secret chats'.

Row? you mean "I dont like you talking to your family without me present"?

Bloody outrageous.

Flip genders ... man tells his wife she cant talk to her family without him present and the red flags would be flying in an 80 knot wind.

trois, that's not what she said.

Would you honestly not view it as bad manners to visit your IL's and have them take your husband in to a different room, so they could talk without you being there?

diddl, she might well be avoiding the one on here too

Oh God!

People & bloody red flags on here!

She hasn't ever asked what they talk about though

OP-if you´re still around-talk to your husband!

If you don´t want your SIL to babysit, don´t let her.

Try not to get too wound up about the football thing as your husband will be there & she won´t be babysitting.

Hi everyone,

Sorry to have caused WW3 with this thread...

Just to clarify my SIL was definitely not pregnant, she was just saying it to get attention. The whole family including her boyfriend went silent for about 10 seconds in the most awkward moment and then carried on eating as if nothing had been said.

In regards to the babysitting offer, it felt to me like DH and DS were being invited while I wasn't welcome. DH told his sister that I wasn't ready to leave DS yet, so she came to visit at our house instead which I was much happier with.

At the moment I don't want to leave DS with anyone, I would possibly leave him with DH or my mum whilst I went to newsagents for example, but I'd rather take DS with me. Not because DH or my mum isn't capable or I don't trust them, I just want to be with my DS.

I'm really lucky as DS is a very good baby and I am getting at least 8 hours sleep in every 24 hours, I've taken people's advice of 'sleep when he sleeps', so I don't feel like I.need a break. He doesn't cry for no reason either so he's not hard work to look after...except I am getting a bit of back ache in evening's so DH will help me and do nappy changes. If I was left at home alone for the day without DS I'd feel completely lost like I'd had a limb chopped off and I'd be counting down the hours til I could see him again...

I would like to believe SIL was trying to be helpful but I feel like she wants me out of the way. Maybe I'm wrong, only she knows what she actually means.

Another reason I feel that she wants to babysit to show off is in the past she babysat for her friends baby and took the poor thing round a shopping centre for 6 hours whilst friend was at.work and the friend had to.ask to leave work early to take baby back. SIL had a wonderful time and was full of stories about how everyone was looking at her because baby was a different race so they were trying to figure out if she could be the mum.

This is why I'd rather she didn't babysit til DS is old enough to say 'I'm bored!'. I also think looking after a new baby is a big responsibility.

At the end of the day trust your instinct and if you don't want anyone (and just because someone is family doesn't give them any more right imo) looking after your child then you don't leave said child with them.

I'd no more trust one of my SILs with a cat never mind DS. Fortunately DH agrees.

Oh and just to stress the point - yes my bond with DS is stronger than that of DH. And he agrees with that too. That's why I wake every night when DS cries while DH snores on. That's why I recognise the cry of DS in a room with numerous other babies and toddlers while DH continues chatting.

I'm not saying men love their children any less but nature intended mothers to bond with their babies so they would nurture and protect them. Just because times have changed and we have so called equality, I believe nature is far too deeply ingrained within us to have changed the whole rearing of children that drastically.

So flame me.

Glad you came back.

I think you are right not to let sil babysit - babies are not toys, for her amusement.

By all means give her the benefit of the doubt and see how things progress between you and her, but you don't have to let her loose on your baby as a gesture of goodwill!

(I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required

So I take it your DH is just the sperm doner and has no say over his child? You sound as bad as her TBH

I'm not saying men love their children any less but nature intended mothers to bond with their babies so they would nurture and protect them. Just because times have changed and we have so called equality, I believe nature is far too deeply ingrained within us to have changed the whole rearing of children that drastically.

So men cant nurture and protect their children to mmm So glad my DH doesnt agree with you and your DHs way of thinking, I feel sorry for him.

Although I wasn't intending this to be a debate of whether men or women are better at childcare, my take on it is that men and women are equal, but different. I think personally women are more wired up to take care of a newborn, that's natures way otherwise why can't men breastfeed? However, of course men can feed change and bathe a baby just the same as a woman. I think DH will be better at playing with DS when he is older and encouraging him to.play lots of sports whereas I wouldn't. I guess I'm saying we both have different qualities to bring to the table.

I think also everyone has a different set up at home, but I think one person would naturally take the lead in childcare and that's the one who stays at home. Personally I've been brought up by my mum and my dad is definitely a sperm donor - his choice not mums! I'm so happy that my DS has got a brilliant dad and he is really lucky, I have seen what a good dad my FIL is (he's a single dad) so I know my DH will be the same and that not all men are alike.

Well let's hope you allow your DH to be a good dad and that he has the confidence to be so.

And also that you don't suddenly change the goal posts and complain when he doesn't get as involved as you do when the baby's up all night teething...or you actually want him to take the baby out for a day to give you a break.

Not saying men cant nurture and protect at all. Of course they can. Well some of them anyway.

DH is a wonderful, hands on, loving father and DS adores him.

However, DH is (and was) able to leave DS for periods of time without the pangs of guilt or worry that I get. I still find it difficult to be parted from my child and stand by the fact that I would not leave him with anyone I felt the slightest doubt about.

It's purely my opinion and I didn't mean to offend anyone but we certainly don't need your pity.

Just re-reading the posts and wanted to mention re. the chats...SIL pulls DH out of room to have whispered conversations. Yes of course they can have conversations without me there, but I find it rude the way she pulls him out and the fact its whispered. If something is so secret that I can't hear, why doesnt she ring him or meet up with him when I'm not around? As an example on her last visit she had said bye to DS (not me, I don't get hellos and goodbyes) and then I was in living room with DS while she pulled DH out of hallway outside to have a whispered conversation for approx 10 mins leaving front door wide open and letting freezing cold air in. I asked DH what they were talking about and he said they were talking about the fact her boyfriend doesn't eat chicken on the bone so she doesn't buy buckets of KFC. Personally I'm not sure this is plausible but who knows?!

Just to clarify as well that DH's parenting skills are not being questionned by Mr and he is most certainly 'allowed' to take care of his own son and he does. He is more than happy to do the night time feeds etc, however I have said I will do these on Sundays through to Thursdays and he can do Friday and Saturwdays if he wants so that he has enough sleep for work the next day as I can get a nap in the daytime (usually if all is going well)!
This so far is working out fine for both of us. I would also add that DH can do everything I cam and gave DS first bath not me, and in the evenings/weekends we take turns with feeding/nappy changing so I'm a bit miffed where the idea that I don't let him look after DS...

I have mentionned that I would like to give SIL he benefit of the doubt in regards to her intentions, however it doesn't mean I want her babysitting at this point in time, when DS is older I will think again, I'm not saying she can never babysit.

In regards to babysitting if I wanted my brother or sister to babysit and DH said not yet, as long as there was a reason behind it I'm sure I would not mind as it is a joint decision. For the recors my sister is a little young in my opinion to babysit such a young baby and my brother is too inexperienced, if DS cries my brother will hand him straight back to me which is fine. I have handed crying babies back to their parents ;-)

Why is it solely your decision? Wether you like it or not she is part of your family and is taking an interest in your ds. Your not doing a great job with this fresh start.

I think you are being unreasonable about these "secret chats." If she calls him or he meets her on his own, I get the feeling you aren't going to be happy about it anyways. You are going to say why does she need to see him on his own, why is she sidelining me, or why is she calling him so much.

Reminds me of playground issues when a girl feels left out or thinks she is being discussed when her best friend spends time with another girl without her. So, she doesn't like the girl who "stole" her friend.

You are an adult. You just need to view it as sometimes she just wanted to talk to him about something private, petty about her relationship or incident at work, and it likely has no bearing on you. And if it did, he will likely tell you. He might be her MN network. You can always ask him what they talked about and if it isn't too private, he will also likely tell you.

SouthStar hopefully if you read my further posts on the thread you will understand my position a bit better than from my original post.

As per my last post I said babysitting is a joint decision. I have also mentioned that although I don't want SIL babysitting ay this point I am not ruling it out in the future when DS is older. I'm afraid whether she is family or not at this stage she will not be babysitting as I don't feel comfortable. I don't think it is fair to ask someone to leave theory baby with someone they do not feel comfortable with - would you? I would also add that I have said she is welcome anytime, and she came to my house for 5 hours the other day so if I'm a total cow and excluding her I don't think she would have a. visited or b. stayed so long.

Yea but i fail to see how it could make you feel like she went behind your back when she asked your dh if she could babysit? Just because your the mum doesnt mean you trump your dh on arranging a babysitter! Fair one you dont want to leave ds yet but why is sil such a monster for wanting to spend time with her niece?

However, DH is (and was) able to leave DS for periods of time without the pangs of guilt or worry that I get. I still find it difficult to be parted from my child

But that doesnt mean that you as a woman are better at taking care of your babies needs than your DH as a man surely? I dont get all this "guilt" business at leaving your DS - and if you find it difficult to be parted from your child then you clearly have issues in this area, sorry.