AIBU to be annoyed with my SIL?

[RoxanneY]

I will be honest and say my SIL are not on great terms since I got married...think typical MILs getting jealous their son has been taken away from them and she's the same but with her brother...my DH. We agreed back in April that we would wipe the slate clean and start again for my DH's sake, and we would both think before speaking to avoid 'acidentally' upsetting one another.

Classic comment from her to me ''these jeans are massive, they'll fit you'' - I am a size 10/12 hardly 'massive', and even if I was, not the way to speak to someone!

Another classic from her was at a family meal and DH announced I was pregnant and she promptly announced over the table 'Dad...Dad...Guess what I'm pregnant too!' - of course she.was not pregnant, just attention seeking. She is 26 by the way....

Anyway I just found out that she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend. AIBU to feel annoyed 1. She has gone behind my back and asked DH not me (I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required and I also feel she wants me out of her way so she can show off) 2. I am not ready to leave my DS yet, especially when he has his first cold which DH told her about before she made the invitation.

rhonda I agree totally

It could have been a very simple conversation that the OP has taken the wrong way due to the 'history'

SIL: "Why don't you bring the baby with you when you come over, I'd love to see him"

Bro: "Because I wanted to watch the match in peace"

SIL: "No problem, I can look after him while you're watching it"

Perhaps she genuinely doesn't know that "As the mum" the OP feels it's her place to decide on childcare arrangements?

Worra that's how I think the conversation might have panned out.

Even if the sil is as sweet as apple pie and has genuinely changed her entire personality in the light of this entente cordiale, the OP is not at ease with this and if she doesn't want it to happen, then it shouldn't happen. The past can be forgiven, but the memory of it cannot be wiped out and until a genuine relationship is built between Op and her sil, then OP is entitled not to have her sil babysit. Both parents have to be happy with whoever is babysitting their child.

All those people who say 'but it's dh's baby too/she's his sister', yes that's true, but his/their wishes don't trump the OP's.

But the ops wishes should trump the fathers?

No they don't karma I've said before on the thread, the OP needs to discuss with her DH in an open way what she wants and what he wants and they need to compromise

The OP has said

"I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements"

and

"I haven't said this to DH but I wouldn't trust SIL"

and

"I feel worried that DH will just agree to her offers without asking me first and then putting me in.the awkward position of having to say 'no actually I'm not comfortable with that'."

And it makes me feel uneasy. The poor man doesn't know that his wife doesn't want to have SIL around the baby because she's hasn't blooming told him - they need to talk and talk properly in an equal way and soon.

"She's not asked to play mummy. She's said to give the OP a break."

Maybe OP doesn´t want a break-I know I never did if it would have meant my baby being somewhere else for a couple of hrs.

"If somebody said to my husband 'bring the baby over, but leave karma at home' the words fuck and off would be used (by both of us)."

Exactly!

Worra, it might have gone like that-but that assumes that the OP isn´t wanted or invited there/can´t go for some reason.

it's totally weird for someone to want to look after your child to give you 'time off' without discussing it with you first.

Yes the SIL spoke to her brother, but he then relayed the conversation to the OP, so I don't see why you're questioning her version

"Maybe OP doesn´t want a break-I know I never did if it would have meant my baby being somewhere else for a couple of hrs."

Then the OP says thank you very much, but she doesn't need one. It doesn't make the SIL an evil babystealing bitch to offer.

whathellcall - who is questionning the OP's version?

rhonda if one of the parents isn't happy with a potential babysitter, then the baby shouldn't be left with them. Doesn't matter whether it's mum or dad.

Seems that because sil has decided pretended to bury the hatchet, the OP feels she can't express her feelings to her dh without a row ensuing.

hathorinareddress I do agree that OP needs to talk to her dh and be honest about her feelings. It does seem as if he is not open to recognising them though, hence her reluctance. I don't think he is a 'poor man'. Having secret talks with his sister, while in the presence of his wife, just seems bloody rude to me. I think he needs to sort out his priorities and it should be the comfort of his wife, not the childish machinations of his sister.

Op also asked when we first left out babies and I don't think we replied. I def had by seven weeks, but only with people I trust, mainly my MIL and I was much more relaxed leaving dd2 than 1.

Leaving them with their father does not count as lewving them with other people to me, and I have always trusted him to make safe decisions about their welfare.

karma, how do you know the SIL is only pretending?

Hang on karma. Am I the only one who thinks there is something not quite right about a person objecting to their partner speaking to a sibling without them being present and hearing the conversation?

Flip gender - how would you feel if someone posted, my husband won't let me talk to my sister withoutw him being there?

^"But we don't know what the SIL said.

The OP says the conversation was with her husband. So we have no idea exactly what the SIL said."^

Was a bit of a delay on my post, but earlier a few posts like the one above seemed to be indicating that the OP didn't really know what was said. My view the OP was well placed to interpret the SIL intentions as she knows the SIL personally and her DH told her.

Oh I see. So we should assume that the SIL's intentions are good then, since the OP has said it would be best to assume that?

Of course I think it is perfectly fine and normal for a brother and sister to talk without the spouse being present, but the impression I got from the Op was that the sister would take the dh off, somewhere else, during a visit where the OP was present, for a private chat. That's different from arranging to meet up with your sister when your partner isn't there.

Tidy, I don't know that she is pretending. That was half tongue in cheek and half questioning whether people really do change.

SIL sounds like a childish loon to me, but regardless of her in particular, I totally agree that both parents must be happy with childcare arrangements. I would not let my child be looked after by someone that I was not completely comfortable with.

Maybe they don't. Doesn't really sound like the OP is holding up her side of the agreement afterall.

Regardless of whether the OP's DH is 'allowed' to take their DS to visit his sister, the OP would do well to just give her SIL the benefit of the doubt, of which, by her own admission, there is shitloads.

It´s difficult because OP & her SIL don´t get on.

But TBH I find it hard to warm to anyone who says to their sibling "come & see me, bring new baby, count baby´s mother out"

Karma if I thought it was just the two of the being rude by ignoring her the I would agree with you, but I've read it slightly differently.

However she has just had her PFB less than two months ago and of course she wants to do the best for him, which is right, but I think that her dislike of her sister is colouring her view on this a bit.

"Why don't you bring the baby over and give Roxanne a break?"

Could just as easily (and more likely given the OP's report) have been that, diddl.

"she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend"

This is what the OP says.

That can be taken 2 ways. Either the OP's SIL wants her off side and deliberately is excluding her.

Or she's said look, come over with the baby I'd love to see him. Roxanne can have a kip while you watch the football I'll help with the baby and you'll be there to keep me right.

Either way, if the OP isn't comfortable with what has been suggested, she needs to talk to her DH and they need to reach an agreement between them as equal parents as to what they do this time and in the future.

Tidy you said that in about a tenth of the words I used

""Why don't you bring the baby over and give Roxanne a break?"

Could just as easily (and more likely given the OP's report) have been that, diddl."

Maybe-but that doesn´t seem to be how OPs husband has conveyed it to her.

In which case no probs-OP say it´s OK, she doesn´t want a break thanks & stays at home with her baby whilst her husband visits his sister.