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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my SIL?

201 replies

RoxanneY · 12/02/2012 11:50

I will be honest and say my SIL are not on great terms since I got married...think typical MILs getting jealous their son has been taken away from them and she's the same but with her brother...my DH. We agreed back in April that we would wipe the slate clean and start again for my DH's sake, and we would both think before speaking to avoid 'acidentally' upsetting one another.

Classic comment from her to me ''these jeans are massive, they'll fit you'' - I am a size 10/12 hardly 'massive', and even if I was, not the way to speak to someone!

Another classic from her was at a family meal and DH announced I was pregnant and she promptly announced over the table 'Dad...Dad...Guess what I'm pregnant too!' - of course she.was not pregnant, just attention seeking. She is 26 by the way....

Anyway I just found out that she asked DH to take my 7 week old.DS to her flat without me so I could have some time to myself and she can learn to look after DS whilst DH watches football with her boyfriend. AIBU to feel annoyed 1. She has gone behind my back and asked DH not me (I am the mum, therefore I feel it is my place to decide childcare arrangements if required and I also feel she wants me out of her way so she can show off) 2. I am not ready to leave my DS yet, especially when he has his first cold which DH told her about before she made the invitation.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/02/2012 14:38

"But this notion that because she is the mother, she has first dibs on what happens is a recipe for disaster. When does it end? "

No idea, but I know that I initially felt like that as I was the one at home looking after the baby from day to day.

That things should be "run by me".

rhondajean · 12/02/2012 14:39

Oh and you need to relax about him having private conversations with his sister too. You sound a little bit insecure and I am absolutely certain you have no need to be. You also need to trust wyour DH with the baby, otherwise you will end up with problems at one point. Just relax really!!

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 14:39

Jesus wept. No one is talking about taking the child across the Himalayas on a fucking Yak.

He's going to visit his aunt and uncle for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

diddl · 12/02/2012 14:41

Well if his Dad is taking him to visit, why does his Aunt need to look after him during that visit?

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 14:43

Exactly hathorinareddress

Some men can't win

Women (quite rightly) want equal division of labour/childcare and for their DH to realise a couple is equally responsible for their baby.

But to read threads like this, it's as though the Mothers owns the baby for some weird reason.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 14:44

So his Dad takes him to visit but has to say to his sister "no you can't nurse the baby?"

FFS I give up

whathellcall · 12/02/2012 14:46

YANBU. What is wrong with most of you people? It is not a sweet offer to ask your brother to take his newborn away from it's mother so that you can get to play with them, it is bloody weird and insensitive and I would never have agreed to it in a million years. Unless you're planning to ask her to babsit in the near future, she has no reason to learn how to look after him.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 14:48

She has asked her brother to visit and bring the baby.

Sheesh.

How many people haven't said that when there's a newborn?

And the OP's DH is the one who didn't tell her (possibly because he knew she would be upset/annoyed)

The issue here is the DH not the SIL

GavisconJunkie · 12/02/2012 14:50

Worra not all relationships are the same. I don't think childcare MUST be equal. I take the lead on that; to clarify, the lead not sole responsibility.

Not ALL women want the same thing. Freedom of thought is what I fight for, not 50/50 on every aspect of life, but thanks for speaking on behalf of the entire gender.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 14:51

Either you want equal parenting and fair division of labour and men who take a hands on role, or you don't.

You simply can't have it both ways

GavisconJunkie · 12/02/2012 14:52

Are some people being deliberately obtuse?!

Of course sil can have a cuddle, bit it IS weird that she doesn't want OP there. A nurse, is one thing, to play mummy is another, it just is.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 14:52

You're welcome Gaviscon but then not all men are happy to be controlled by their partner when it comes to taking their own child out for a couple of hours.

I know I certainly wouldn't be.

What if the OP wanted to take the baby to visit family and her DP said no because he's not ready to leave him?

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 14:53

She's not asked to play mummy. She's said to give the OP a break.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 14:54

That made me sound like I'm a man...but I hope you get my drift Blush

If a baby is created by a couple and responsibility is shared by that couple then the Dad taking his son out for a few hours shouldn't be a problem.

Except I think in this case the problem is the hatred of the SIL and not the fact the OP can't bear to be without her almost 2 month old child.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 14:59

We don't actually know, nor does the OP, exactly what the SIL said.

The conversation, if I read the OP correctly, was between SIL and her brother, so the OP doesn't know exactly what the SIL said.

I think her dislike of her SIL is palpable (may be for good reason I don't know)

But isn't it conceivable that the SIL just said "bring the baby when you come to watch the match and Roxanne can get a kip" rather than "just you and the baby come and leave Roxanne at home because I want to play mummy"

Which is what the OP thinks.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/02/2012 15:04

If somebody said to my husband 'bring the baby over, but leave karma at home' the words fuck and off would be used (by both of us).

There is no way on earth my baby would be taken to visit, or be looked after by someone who frankly, sounds unhinged.

OP, you need to tell your dh right now, what you are and are not comfortable with. He had a baby with you. What his sister wants, doesn't come into it. (The whole 'I'm pregnant too', scares the shit out of me, she sounds like some hand that rocks the cradle type).

Wiping the slate clean, means being civil and careful of each other's feelings - it does not mean her getting to exclude you and have access to your baby in your absence. How the fuck is that wiping the slate clean? Your dh , should nip this in the bud, right now. How you feel should come first.

whathellcall · 12/02/2012 15:06

Well, given how the OP has described her SIL and their relationship, it doesn't seem likely that SIL would be genuinely concerned about how tired the OP is. The OP is the only one on here who knows this girl, so in my view she's better placed to interpret her SILs motives than anyone else on here.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 15:07

But we don't know what the SIL said.

The OP says the conversation was with her husband. So we have no idea exactly what the SIL said.

whathellcall · 12/02/2012 15:07

Agree completely with Karma.

hathorinareddress · 12/02/2012 15:08

Or the OP may hate the guts of her SIL and may be putting a spin on even the most innocent actions which I have possibly done with my ex-SIL but she is the devil incarnate and a witch

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 15:09

Well the OP did say SIL had said for her DH to take him "so I could have some time to myself". So presumably it was something along those lines. The OP has also said she knows it is best to assume her SIL has good intentions, which suggests nothing bad has been said.

I think it's a really good idea for the SIL to learn how to take care of the baby while one of his parents is there. She's willing to admit that she doesn't know how to take care of a baby, and wants to learn while she's not on her own with him. That's the mark of a responsible and sensible aunty IMO.

There is nothing in this whole situation (especially in light of the wiping the slate clean conversation) that makes it look like the SIL has any intentions other than to get to know her DN, learn how to properly take care of him and give the OP a couple of hours to herself.

rhondajean · 12/02/2012 15:10

We don't know that the sil wasn't pregnant. W just know that she didn't make full term. Think on that.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 15:12

That's true, rhonda. Even if she wasn't though, it's possible she was just joking and didn't know that the OP would take it so badly.

rhondajean · 12/02/2012 15:16

Agreed tidy. I think the real problem, is that the op isn't comfortable with her DH and the relationship he has with his sister.

rhondajean · 12/02/2012 15:17

Agreed tidy. I think the real problem, is that the op isn't comfortable with her DH and the relationship he has with his sister.

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