to be fuming at my DSis and her sodding wedding?

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSis has been looking at venues for her wedding for next year, asking advice and generally being very excited about it all, revving my 3 DDs into an orgy of excitement over being bridesmaids. Fine, no problem, I'm thrilled that she has found the right person and love a nice wedding.

She TEXT me tonight telling me that they have now decided (and have booked) a wedding abroad instead. She'd love us to come. I called her back and calmly asked for details etc, and it turns out we would also be caring for my DN (4) whilst they have a 'honeymoon'.

I am fuming.

1. She TEXT me this information? WTF????
2. Why the hell did she tell my DDs that they would be her BMs if it wasn't all definite?
3. If we did manage to spend our entire holiday budget (and then some), we would be spending our time looking after DN

She's getting married in Cyprus. I think we have all the info having spoken to her. We will be expected to look after DN for most of the week, they are there for 10 days, I think we would be there for a week.

I would have been happy to be happy for her if she hadn't texted me the information, made childcare a fait acompli and got my DDs all excited about being BMs.

I think cost is relative.

We don't know how much op and her dh earn (neither is it any of our business), but what to one is a lot of money is just the price of the family holiday to another. Only op knows whether they would ordinarily pay that for a holiday of their choosing...

Tell her, sweetly, that she has to be joking, and book a nice holiday for your family somewhere you choose to go. And make it up to your daughters with a special treat. Your sister is taking Bridezilla to another level!

I feel obliged to try and go so the DDs can be BMs as promised.

no, no, no, no, no

For you this is your sister's wedding but for your DDs this is only their aunt's wedding. In my family that is 9/10ths of the way to being a random (I appreciate that my family is not that close). Being a BM somewhere hot and uncomfortable will be horridly unpleasant.

You are not obliged. All you have to do is explain to your DDs that your aunt has decided to get married a long way away so you wont be going. instead you will be going to XYZ place which will be really great.

If your sister has a problem with this then she can pay for you all to go or forget it. It's only a wedding, the important bit is the commitment which comes after.

Assuming that she's getting married over a weekend, then you definatley can get cheap flights just for you (or you and DS if he's too little to leave), hire a car for a couple of days and a cheap hotel so you can be there for the wedding, but not spending anything like £3.5k. I'm sure there's MNers who can find her details of nanny agencies in the area. She can pay for her holiday childcare like normal people.

Bloody cheek! Does she have a history of thinking the world revolves around her?

What sort of ages are your DDs; I wouldn't want my three sharing a room without an adult. Does that mean you get to pay £3.5k to share a room with your DH, your son and her son!?

Does it include flights? Bridesmaids' dresses...?

I really really wouldn't go. My sister got married abroad and we couldn't afford to pay for all of us to go at the time as I was on maternity leave-they were absolutely fine about it. If you make those sort of decisions (ie we're too tight to pay for a big wedding and it's much cheaper to just pay for ourselves and guilt-trip our relatives into paying for themselves) then you have to accept that not everyone will have those sort of funds and be able to come.

What have you said to her when you rang back-did you say you would go? It's the middle of a recession, FGS! I'd either say I'd already booked a summer holiday and can't afford it or just that I couldn't afford it.

What will she do for childcare if you don't go?

£3.5k for a week in april in cyprus. I would phone her back tomorrow and inform her that you've looked at your finances and there is no way you can afford it - and no you don't want to borrow the money either.

Honestly if you go I think you will just resent it and not enjoy the holiday aspect of it all. We have never been on a proper holiday with our 4 dc whilst they were young because it isn't a holiday at all!

How do people 'save money' abroad?

The two countries that come in my mind as popular for weddings -Italy and Cyprus- are very expensive lately. More or less all Europe is.

Why don't they stay in uk and do something simple?

How about a villa if you have to go?

But you really need to stop her booking anything tonight! A text to make it clear you're trying to find the money, but will struggle will give you a good chance to make your mind up in time, and means that even if you do go, she will actually realise that it's not 'nothing' she's asked for!

Wedding schmedding. Yes, happy days/moons etc.

If that was me i woukd either
A not go at all - money, time, work commitments, thrush, dicky toe nails, etc
B just go by myself and dh and kids at home

And c. Not be nanny mc bloody phee for her kids. Why are you responsible for her kids. It's not a medical emergency.
Am on your side! My bil and his wife were like that at their wedding and everyone else was on childminding.

Oh i see, it is Cyprus.

Laquitar - they save money because hotels realise if it's an overseas wedding, they will get lots of other people paying to stay a week, so massively discount compared to the flat costs of a UK wedding, and less people go so it's cheaper for meals etc and you don't get temped to invite colleagues/random friends of your parents/people you just really exchange christmas cards with a note saying "we should met soon!" in it.

We went to our dsil wedding 2 years ago in turkey, we had it as our holiday and we had a really good time to be honest.
I didn't like the hotel the rest of them were all staying in and was keen to have our own space it was our holiday that we paid out 4k for so we hadd one in the quieter part of the town and would meet up say every other day .
The looking after nephew thing is taking the Piss though.

OP, to echo the Grange Hill cast JUST SAY NO

Say you can't go, but wish her all the best.

She is taking the piss.

nah... just say, you're delighted she's found a solution that works for her but sadly you can't make it...do not bankrupt yourself for this or give up your family plans. It is only a wedding, as someone said earlier, it's the commitment after that's the important.

Yes the world does revolve around her, it also owes her a favour. I do love her very much and we generally get on very well.

Also I (hopefully) will be at Uni next year and it's a 45 week per year course so very limited holiday times to spend with DH and DC.

I think the only feasible option would be a villa, still bloody expensive when you add in flights and probably car hire. Gah I hate being the older sister sometimes

Cyprus is really expensive for what you get. I wouldn't feel obliged to go and certainly wouldn't have difficulty about room arrangements . Their DS can sleep in their room.

wannaBe why on earth would you want someone else to decide where you would want to go on holiday. Most adults make this decision for themselves and it is a very important part of deciding on the annual family holiday.

Thanks Lydia. Still, thats if your guests use your hotel and not a cheaper place.
But yes, you are right that you avoid inviting too many.

I still find it cheeky....

I really would not be trying so hard to go. You should not be forfeiting your family holiday for a week at someone elses wedding.

MsInga - if you don't have that money as spare don't go - you're going to need it if you're going to uni - why put all that financial pressure on your family to attend her wedding. If she wants to stump up half the cost then it will still be a cheap wedding for her.

I think you need to be honest and tell her you can't afford it especially not at 2 months notice - 2 years possibly!

You are under no obligation to go.

So don't.

No it's 14 months, April 2013