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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at my DSis and her sodding wedding?

306 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 11/02/2012 21:05

DSis has been looking at venues for her wedding for next year, asking advice and generally being very excited about it all, revving my 3 DDs into an orgy of excitement over being bridesmaids. Fine, no problem, I'm thrilled that she has found the right person and love a nice wedding.

She TEXT me tonight telling me that they have now decided (and have booked) a wedding abroad instead. She'd love us to come. I called her back and calmly asked for details etc, and it turns out we would also be caring for my DN (4) whilst they have a 'honeymoon'.

I am fuming.

  1. She TEXT me this information? WTF????
  2. Why the hell did she tell my DDs that they would be her BMs if it wasn't all definite?
  3. If we did manage to spend our entire holiday budget (and then some), we would be spending our time looking after DN
OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/02/2012 23:43

Another thought, do you think she would be bothered about you going/not going if there was someone else she could park her kid on?

LydiaWickham · 12/02/2012 08:22

Stick to your guns, you can't afford it, now, you don't have to have a 'big sister talk' unless she starts complaining/trying to force you, then she's being a bridezilla. If she just accepts it (albeit being disappointed) then she's not actually being a bridezilla.

At that time of year, there are kids clubs her DS could go in during the day, and most good hotels will have nannies they can hire for the evenings.

TheSkiingGardener · 12/02/2012 08:37

Good luck talking to her today. She didn't consult you, she didn't ask you, she decided how YOU were going to spend your time and money making life easier for HER.

Just say No

YouOldSlag · 12/02/2012 09:50

What The Skiing Gardener said.

GossipMonger · 12/02/2012 09:58

oooh have you done it yet??

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 12/02/2012 10:06

I've just read this thread and hope you have told her you can't go. Is that how much holidays cost these days? :0
I would be beside myself with rage if my sister did this to me Angry

grobagsforever · 12/02/2012 10:15

Wow. Her front is amazing. Have you told her yet?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 12/02/2012 10:24

I love threads like this.. I can't believe her bloody cheek! So.. when are you calling her :)

MustControlFistOfDeath · 12/02/2012 10:30

DP would do this Hmm and laugh in my face then walk off swearing in Polish if I told him we were having to spend £4k on going to someone else's wedding (family or not) Grin

gettingeasier · 12/02/2012 10:32

Yep what ski said

Let us know the outcome Smile

tink123 · 12/02/2012 10:32

Will you have dn the whole week, or will they spend time with her too?

I would not pay that to attend a wedding

FaithHopeAndKevin · 12/02/2012 10:38

Have you phoned her yet?

Sis, I'll be a student with four children. You're asking me to spend 4K on our only holiday in years and not be in the same room as DH... Can't do it.

ragged · 12/02/2012 10:40

oh gawd, I didn't pay for any of the bridesmaids' costs! Blush
I'm not even sure who paid for the men's suits.
I didn't want a big Wedding, it was my dad's idea, so no wonder I got half of it wrong.

ModreB · 12/02/2012 10:43

3.5k for a week in Cyprus in APRIL. Where are you staying, that's very expensive.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 12/02/2012 10:45

Another one saying no way.

If people get married overseas, they can't expect all the guests to be prepared to make it their holiday, which is what a lot of people would have to do to justify the cost. Cyprus is nice enough but £3.5k? No way.

Also, the assumption that you will look after her son for the week is fucking rude.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 12/02/2012 11:02

I had only looked at first choice which is all AI. I also looked at a couple of villas which would be £800 ish, the only people quoting for flights that far ahead are saying £2600. There are 6 of us. DSis has text this morning suggesting that we share with a few of her friends to reduce the cost. One of her friends is lovely, the rest are nasty bitches not people we would normally spend a lot of time with.

I will call her later, just got up as lovely DH let me have a lie in to sleep off my ear infection. This will not go well.

OP posts:
RealLifeIsForWimps · 12/02/2012 11:08

OP I would call her, say you cant afford it, and say that you and DH will come for the wedding itself but not for the week - is this realistic? Can you leave the children either with friends (split them up if necessary) or with DH's parents?

Whatever you do, don't feel bad about it. It is a LOT of money.

2rebecca · 12/02/2012 11:10

I think if you decide to get married abroad you have to accept some people won't make it. If 6 of you I think it's mad that she didn't phone you to discuss this.
I suspect she will have a tantrum but just calmly explain that whilst she chose to get married abroad because it is cheaper for her it is far too expensive for you and if she wanted you to be there she should have discussed it with you not book it and expect you to fall in with her very expensive wishes.
If I was spending 3.5k on a holiday I'd want to choose the location and not have extra kids to look after. I presume she can rope a granny into looking after her son, but this is something she will have to ask granny nicely about, not text her to tell her she is lumped with the job..

Gapants · 12/02/2012 11:12

I read this thread last night.

op you can do it, do not be swayed, it is a lot of money.

AnaisB · 12/02/2012 11:15

YANBU - she has been totally inconsiderate, but I do think that if you wanted to go you could go more cheaply - Easyjet fly to Cyprus I think, and a self-catering apartment would save money.

AnaisB · 12/02/2012 11:16

(I know that isn't really the point - just saying.)

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 12/02/2012 11:17

There is no reason why it should go badly. If you stay calm and don't say anything that isn't factual about your situation, then you can't go wrong. She can react any way she wants, but you can't control that and if she reacts badly that is down to her. Not you.

'Dsis, I am really sorry to be missing your wedding'

'We just don't have the money to be able to attend, and we would prefer to spend any holiday time and money we do have on a destination of our choosing'

'I'm sure you will be able to understand our position'

'The dds will be very dissapointed'

And if she kicks off majorly, then blame your dh. But I wouldn't start off doing that, because she will probably moan to other family about him if you do, and that's not really fair seeing as you both have valid reasons for not wanting to go.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 11:24

Any reasonable person (family, friend or otherwise) will understand that if you get married abroad, having loved ones missing from the ceremony is a risk you take. And you definitely don't assume people will go just because you are getting married!

Stay strong on this one. If she kicks off, she is the unreasonable one for placing ridiculous expectations on you. Not to mention hyping up your DCs excitement without even firming up plans.

FloydieDoydie · 12/02/2012 11:28

She's a right cheeky cow! Be strong MsInga - and make sure she tells your DDs they can't be bridesmaids because she's selfish. Grin

Spuddybean · 12/02/2012 11:45

I cannot believe how oblivious some people are to others, and how they don't even comprehend how their decisions affect other people.

I wouldn't blame DH, i would just say matter of factly 'oh that sounds lovely for you, sadly we wont be able to make it, hope you have a lovely time'. If she asks why i would just say 'it's too expensive, and will be too difficult when i'm studying'. What you don't want is her trying to organise some elaborate, convoluted, miserable, money saving ways for you all to go, sharing with people you don't know/like etc. and having an exhausting horrible time, just so she can swan around having her own way.

Tell her Copernicus called and the world doesn't actually revolve around her!

Good luck.