to be fuming at my DSis and her sodding wedding?

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSis has been looking at venues for her wedding for next year, asking advice and generally being very excited about it all, revving my 3 DDs into an orgy of excitement over being bridesmaids. Fine, no problem, I'm thrilled that she has found the right person and love a nice wedding.

She TEXT me tonight telling me that they have now decided (and have booked) a wedding abroad instead. She'd love us to come. I called her back and calmly asked for details etc, and it turns out we would also be caring for my DN (4) whilst they have a 'honeymoon'.

I am fuming.

1. She TEXT me this information? WTF????
2. Why the hell did she tell my DDs that they would be her BMs if it wasn't all definite?
3. If we did manage to spend our entire holiday budget (and then some), we would be spending our time looking after DN

Good point - DBF has her own agenda, that's why she's pissed off with you!!

I am suprised that the friend has the money to go if she's in that financial situation.

I presume she's just replying to the OP's text to her asking if the sister was ok. A word of advice, OP; don't text the friend with with any more questions-it's not going to be a good outcome!

Is anyone else in your family having the stroppy backlash, or just you, OP?

Ok nosey people, here are the texts to and from Dsis friend:

Me: Oh Lord I knew this would be awful :( how is she?x

BFF: Not happy, but to be honest I dont blame her as it seems everyone she want there is saying no due to money or in Jo's (friend) case she might be pregnant of have a baby which is pretty lame. She doesnt understand why people are saying no, even when they've offered to pay for a villa, & its next year so people would have time to save. It's her wedding day MsInga x

Me: But it's a lot of money which we don't have BFF. Even if they are paying for accom, which I assume my parents would be staying in too? Its still going to cost us 1500-2000. If she was really bothered about having her friends and family there, she could have checked with us before they booked it so she knew whether or not it was possible for us x

BFF: I know its a lot of money MsInga but that shouldn't matter, after all the shit she has been through she has finally found a good enough guy who loves her for her & loves DN too % she wants too share that with the ones she loves. Surely people can find the money in 14 months? They are doing it abroad to save money so they dont start married life in debt & its really up to them where they get married, its their day after all x

Me: It is up to them where they get married of course. They dont have to spend a fortune getting married here. Of course they want to share the day with those closest to them. OTOH, DH and I have the right to stay debt free in our married life. i am very happy for both of them and wish them every happiness, they deserve it

BFF: Whatever, I think you are being really selfish

BFF 'Whatever'

Translated

I can see that you are being reasonable and have justified quite clearly why you can't come, however I am a drama queen and am intent on winding your sister up so I'm going to reply in a childish manner.

Ignore MsInga - try texting or emailing your Dsis exactly what you've said above. But do it tomorrow. I wouldn't phone as you want to get your point across. End the email with 'when you've read it we'll talk it over'.

You obviously care for your sister but as you say, you can't go into debt to save her money.

So OK for them to start their wedding life debt free but not OK about others getting into debt to celebrate it and the bit about the friend who mat be pregnant/baby

And yes it does fucking matter if it is a lot of money.

Well done on the phonecall! and serves your sister right, really - she should have checked people would be able to afford to go abroad for her wedding before she booked it (I'm guessing she booked and paid a deposit so she could use that for leverage - frankly, I'm sure your parents and family would rather refund her the £300 between you if necessary than fork out £1000s to go to the wedding in Cyprus!)

Stop feeling guilty. You can choose not to accept the guilt they are trying to make you feel - so choose to ignore it.

As for the BFF - block her number (after you've told her to get her dirty wooden spoon out of it, of course! )

If they are really starting to get to you then adopt a phrase along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way but we cannot afford to spend that much money on a wedding abroad and therefore will not be going" and repeat it to EVERYTHING they send to you (that's if you can't bear to block their numbers of course).

Stay strong - you've done the right thing!

Oh and the BFF is now winding DSis up on FB saying that she should 'sod everyone else, it's your day, do what makes you happy'

I agree that she should do what she likes for her wedding, but she clearly wants everyones around for it, so perhaps she needs a rethink. grrrrrr

Don't engage any more, no reason for you to take all the incoming fire or be their whipping boy because their ill-conceived ideas have come to naught.

They can still go to Cyprus and BFF can babysit dn. Or they could rethink their ideas and cut their cloth accordingly.

It is the height of bridezilladom that expects others to be happy to go 4k into debt to fund their nuptials. Just wow [shakes head]

ooo xposted with the texts! Again, just ignore. You are doing what is right for your family, not pandering to a spoilt princess who "just wants her speshul day" regardless of how inconvenient it is to everyone else.
The comment re. "Jo" being lame is just execrable and shows how inconsiderate the pair of them are. I have this mental vision of the BFF being one of the bubblegum-chewing airheads in White Chicks - but of course I could be way off the mark

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

This seems to be the best friend continuing it. Blood is thicker than water.

Leave alone, speak to sister when numpty has calmed down.

Log off Facebook!

As per the advice someone else gave on facebook spats on another thread - please click "like" on BFF's post. Do'nt say anything. Will wind the cow right up...

Nowhere near that attractive

Ooooh Lydia, liking your style

Well to be fair, that wasn't the look I had in mind when i was thinking of them - it was more the slack-jawed fighty face - but I couldn't find that on Google images.

Close FB. Don't get involved. If the BFF's posts on FB are winding you up, hide them.

At some point your sister will have to work out how important her family are to her wedding - she doesn't need some twit on the side going "You do what you want hun, sod 'em, they don't really care about you, if they did they'd go into hock for the next 20 years so you can have your Perfick Day, bastards".

My mind boggles when people start saying "Its your day" I mean unless you are off to the registry office with a couple of witnesses in tow, then surely the point of a big wedding is to have all your friends/family there. If that is the case then your are planning a party that all those people will enjoy not some sort of festival dedicated to the bride?!

I had a massive wedding- 200 people in the day and then about 300 in the eve, it was a blast. It cost about £5k (we paid) and it was a big party, really informal and good fun.

Haha, let the pair of them carry on, and your sisters wedding will consist of her, her DP and her BFF. At least BFF can step up and mind DN. If she is this brides ills already she will inevitably piss of your BILs family so they won't end up going either!

£4K really? I'm [shocked] that your DS thinks that this is remotely acceptable.

Dp and I are getting married in 13 weeks in Cornwall which is 381 miles from where we live. We have invited parents only,who are all happy to go and stay to have dd for a couple of days. Weve not insisted they go or demanded childcare, they have offered. Yes we would have been sad if they had said no but the venue was our choice so didnt absolutely expect them to come. I thought thats how families worked. Stand your ground and do whats right for you.

What is the friend's agenda? Seems bizarre that she would get so involved.

Even if it is 14 months away, you're still looking at saving at least £150 a month in order to go. That's quite a big ask in the current financial climate, and taking into account that you will be a student next year....

Your Dsis and her BFF are both clueless and selfish, if they don't understand why no one wants to go abroad then that's their problem.

I am a student now too, on an access course.

having a boggle at this. How can anyone expect even family to fork out or find £4K for a fucking wedding!
Stick to your guns OP.

As someone pointed and I hadn't even thought about, she's asking you to pay thousands of pounds for the privilege of being her babysitter! Nice...

How is doing it abroad saving money FFS. And am flabbergasted at the irony of BFF saying they are trying to save money & don't want to start their life on debt yet it is ok for you to be in debt. Does your DSis have any awareness at all?

Stick to your guns. If she wants you all to contribute, can't you all just contribute to a local meal?