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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at my DSis and her sodding wedding?

306 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 11/02/2012 21:05

DSis has been looking at venues for her wedding for next year, asking advice and generally being very excited about it all, revving my 3 DDs into an orgy of excitement over being bridesmaids. Fine, no problem, I'm thrilled that she has found the right person and love a nice wedding.

She TEXT me tonight telling me that they have now decided (and have booked) a wedding abroad instead. She'd love us to come. I called her back and calmly asked for details etc, and it turns out we would also be caring for my DN (4) whilst they have a 'honeymoon'.

I am fuming.

  1. She TEXT me this information? WTF????
  2. Why the hell did she tell my DDs that they would be her BMs if it wasn't all definite?
  3. If we did manage to spend our entire holiday budget (and then some), we would be spending our time looking after DN
OP posts:
zipzap · 11/02/2012 21:26

Have you tried telling her that, whilst it sounds wonderful, you are gutted because you think it is going to be too expensive for you all to go... Also say that maybe you'll just have to have a celebration with them when they are back in tje uk and see how that goes down...

Regardless of whether you will go or not, to see what her reaction is (gutted you won't be there or gutted you won't be providing childcare!). Then at least you will know how she feels about you being there and make her realise that whilst it is a cheap option for her wedding it's is incredibly expensive for you guys and that not everyone can spend that money on going to somebody else's wedding - even if it is their sis.

It's a horrid position to be put in, especially if she has been promising bridesmaids roles to your dd's.

Hope you manage to sort something out that you are happy with!

MissKittyMiddleton · 11/02/2012 21:30

I think you should talk to her again. You seem to be making lots if assumptions and they may not be the right ones.

Best to have a proper conversation.

RandomMess · 11/02/2012 21:31

You don't have to say we can't afford it (ie lie) you just have to say you can't justify spending £4k to attend their wedding but you'll look forward to celebrating with them on their return.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 11/02/2012 21:33

She's just texted me saying that she's found us a hotel which is all inclusive for £3500. It's 2 rooms, so either the DDs would have to go in one room and us and DS in another or DH and I split for the holiday so one of us in each room. It's also in party central.

I feel obliged to try and go so the DDs can be BMs as promised.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 11/02/2012 21:33

It's a cheap option for them because while the overall cost of the wedding will be the same, they only have to pay a fraction of it and everyone else stumps up to cover the costs of their dream wedding!!!

Sorry, this attitude infuriates me, DH and I looked at getting married abroad, but assumed we would pay for the flights and hotels for my parents and PIL, DBro and DBIL. Anyone else we considered to not be "essential to be there" so if they came, great, but if not, not the end of the world. As it was, we realised it would cost us the same if we paid for the whole wedding party and also didn't want to get married with the guests being the just richest people we knew, who aren't ness the closest friends, so got married about a 30 minute drive from our house.

OriginalJamie · 11/02/2012 21:34

Is that including flights?

WipsGlitter · 11/02/2012 21:34

I agree with misskitty. I think you are jumping to a lot of conclusions. Exactly how many nights would you be asked to look after DN for? Is £4k the onlt option, if you searched on internet could you do it cheaper? It might be a really lovely family trip and there are others to help look after DN. Is there more to this? Do you have any other issues with your sister? Is it actually booked or is it an idea? Tbh no wonder she texted you, she probably guessed this would be the reaction.

OriginalJamie · 11/02/2012 21:35

the outlay for even "normal" weddings infuriates me. Then in this situation guilt will rule. Thoughtless

LydiaWickham · 11/02/2012 21:35

Text her back, say you that's a lot of money, you're not sure you can afford it, so will have to do some number crunching and work out what you can afford. Buy some time, or else at this rate she'll have booked it for you.

That sounds like a lot of money for not a great holiday TBH. For £3.5k I want luxury, not 'party central'.

gemma4d · 11/02/2012 21:35

If you are like me you risk feeling you "have" to go, and then resenting it the whole time you are there. Please don't be like me!!!

DeWe · 11/02/2012 21:35

Phew. That would be our holiday fund for about 7 years. I think I'd still text her back and say you don't think you'll be able to afford it. She can sweat on it overnight, and I doubt the all inclusive hotel will have disappeared by Monday.

OriginalJamie · 11/02/2012 21:35

It's gutless to text.

fivegomadindorset · 11/02/2012 21:36

Where is she getting married?

RandomMess · 11/02/2012 21:36

For £3.5k I would want a room with my dh for the duration! How many nights is it?

RandomMess · 11/02/2012 21:37

You know your dds will get over the disappointment, just explain that Aunt is getting married abroad and you can't afford to do but you will treat them to Disney instead Grin

pooka · 11/02/2012 21:38

God - she's aware that it will cost you more than 3K. And is still expecting you to go?

Annunziata · 11/02/2012 21:43

That is a hell of a lot of money! I really do think it's very rude to ask/ tell you to pay that. Because presumably you would need clothes and spending money too.

LapsedPacifist · 11/02/2012 21:43

£3.5K? For the privilege of attending their wedding? How fucking entitled is that! Shock Sorry, that is just obscene. Unless you are all totally loaded of course.

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 11/02/2012 21:44

I wouldn't spend £3.5 k so my kids could be bridesmaids. Explain it to them and have a nice summer holiday instead.

alistron1 · 11/02/2012 21:45

My Dsis has just told me that she's getting married overseas during term time. Me and DP work in schools and 3 of our DC's will be doing GCSE/A_Level stuff. We are sad to miss the wedding, but it's HER wedding and if she's happy I'm happy. She would not expect us to shell out a fortune to attend her wedding.

Inertia · 11/02/2012 21:48

Agree with Lydia- text (or call) her back and say that you don't have the money available but will try to work something out. Don't agree to anything, and explicitly tell her not to book for you.

Your DDs might well be disappointed not to be bridesmaids, and it's shitty of your sister to put you and them in this position. But I bet you could spend less money on something they'd find more exciting (Alton Towers or whatever). Weddings are often dull for children anyway.

If you do decide to go, do it on your terms and book your own hotel. You probably won't have space available to take your DN overnight anyway, unless your sister is willing to pay for a villa /apartment for you.

Doilooklikeatourist · 11/02/2012 21:48

She's expecting you to pay 3 grand for the privilege of being a guest at her wedding , providing child care and bridesmaids ( and the dresses?)
Is there a gift list too ?
Blimey !
I couldn't afford that , and if I could I'd rather choose my own holiday thank you .

wannaBe · 11/02/2012 21:49

I think weddings bring out the worst in people tbh - not only the bride and groom but also the family.

Ok so she's getting married abroad and that will be expensive. but...

Presumably you would have a holiday next year? Why is it such a big deal that the holiday be in April rather than the summer - April in the UK can be bloody horrible in terms of rain and cold weather - surely it would be nice to get away a bit earlier, and you could start counting down to your holiday as soon as the new year hits and be looking forward to some sun around Easter rather than thinking it's still another seven/eight months to go..

Presumably it'll be somewhre sunny, so you'll have a nice time.

The children will get to play with their cousin - where's the harm in that? Even if you have her for a couple of nights - you already have three kids, I really don't see one more as being that big a deal - not for a couple of nights anyway.

On some level I do understand the idea of not wanting to pay out for an expensive trip abroad, but on the other I do wonder whether this is outrage just because it can be outrage iyswim.

I would chill and plan a nice holiday in April, and get a bit excited for your sister, and all have a lovely time as a family.

breatheslowly · 11/02/2012 21:49

That is a huge amount of money. When you think of how many hours (or days or weeks) you have to work to earn that after tax. I get pissed off when people don't think about the cost for guests of their wedding (or stag/hen). Like booking a wedding for a Tuesday as it is cheaper but most of the guests need to take 2 days off work which is really expensive. We had a lunchtime wedding as I didn't want everyone to have to pay for a hotel.

BackforGood · 11/02/2012 21:51

Don't text - speak to each other !
Tell her that you are just not able to find £4K+ to attend a wedding abroad, and then ask her when she's going to tell your dds they won't actually get to be bridesmaids after all after she's wound them up about it.