to be fuming at my DSis and her sodding wedding?

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSis has been looking at venues for her wedding for next year, asking advice and generally being very excited about it all, revving my 3 DDs into an orgy of excitement over being bridesmaids. Fine, no problem, I'm thrilled that she has found the right person and love a nice wedding.

She TEXT me tonight telling me that they have now decided (and have booked) a wedding abroad instead. She'd love us to come. I called her back and calmly asked for details etc, and it turns out we would also be caring for my DN (4) whilst they have a 'honeymoon'.

I am fuming.

1. She TEXT me this information? WTF????
2. Why the hell did she tell my DDs that they would be her BMs if it wasn't all definite?
3. If we did manage to spend our entire holiday budget (and then some), we would be spending our time looking after DN

Random our wedding cost about £800 all in, including the 2 day honeymoon, that isn't what she wants and I get that, but she doesn't realise that she has to make a choice, here and have everyone there or abroad and do it just them and BILs family.

Her BFF is ranting that it's her day and we should be able to save up for it. I won't respond to that, it's not worth it.

Familyguyfan, I am very tempted at the moment :(

I'd be so tempted to say we could only justify spending £800 on our wedding and now we have an extra child to support how do you think we can justify spending £3k on attending yours?

Well done MsInga

Just goes to show that you were in no way unreasonable when lost of other guests have also told her they can't go. Shes just being a spoilt brat now - and her cheeky best mate too.

I agree that the right thing to do was offer to have her DS whilst they have a honeymoon break.

Chin up!

Yes, chin up - you have done nothing wrong, she has bridezilla lenses on at the moment.................

See this is why I was trying so hard to find a way to go initially, the guilt trips and unpleasantness from her and her friend (not sure about BIL) will be unbearable.

I think I would be replying with a few home truths

Cyprus is expensive if you're gonna go I'd make the most of it and go for the week, some people I know have a villa there and it's not the sort of place they go for a long weekend because of the cost of flights.

You shouldn't feel forced into trying to do something impossible because your sister and her friend will have a tantrum otherwise. She needs to understand that it may be her day and she can get married as she chooses, but her family are real people with budgets and commitments - not pretendy dollies playing dress up to be arranged as she sees fit , nor free child care.

Glad you stuck to your guns, she is being absolutely unreasonable. I also think Cyprus in April may not be the sunshine and gorgeous weather wedding she wants.

We went to Cyprus last year in the first week in May and the weather was awful. Rained most days and was quite chilly, the pool was way too cold to get in and the sea, no way. The hotel staff told us that for the last couple of years it has been cold in April May and no nice weather until June.

As my nephew once said to my mother "don't encourage poor behaviour, Grannie" (he was about 4 and will never live it down).

You simply cannot spend FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS in order to avoid a row with your sister. I know of course you were wanting your girls to have a chance to be bridesmaids too. But that is a ludicrous amount of money to have a non-holiday at a time and place of someone else's choosing, with additional childcare responsibilities and at a time when your own income will be limited (I assume, if you'll be a student). For me apart from anything else it feels like too much of a risk - yes, you could save up (probably) but it would have to be completely disposable money, not needed for your house, car, other living expenses, any unforeseen problem arising in the next 14 months.

The fact she's texting you to asking you what she should do about her wedding and reception says it all. That is not your problem - given she and her friend are also banging on about how it's her day they should presumably have spotted that means it's her responsibility too!

Can you speak to your BIL and tell him that you are upset that you can't afford to go and apart from offering childcare so they can have a honeymoon you really don't know what you can do?

would be very interesting to know if he's on SILs radar with all of this nastiness.

Chriky.

Well, at least it's not just you who isn't going.

Am at the bridezillaness going on here. YADNBU, stick to your guns.

Just wanted to say that you have done so well op and do not give in now. I am amazed that someone would go ahead and plan such an expensive wedding without checking. Surely your sis must have an inkling of what you might be able to afford??

I have met MsInga's DH, now she has made the decision there is no way he will let her back down.

The BFF expecting you to save up is a bloody cheek. Saving up usually means going without and making loads of sacrifices for a long time. Why the Hell should you?

There is dignity in silence, you are doing the right thing in not replying. Do not engage the bridezilla or her BFF.

You know what? Until her BFF texted i would be hmmm but not angry.

After her DBF texted i would be furious.

Not only is she unreasonable expecting you to fork out for 4K to go somewhere that is not of your choosing, I know some people love big family weddings abroad - we went to Cyprus many moons ago to hotel popular for weddings - the first one - we sat by pool watching proceedings and thought - ahhhh. By then end of the holiday we had seen the conveyor belt nature of the weddings (staff did not vary one bit) and were heartily sick of Shania Twain (played full belt at all of them) - however this was one hotel many years ago and I'm sure not typical.

That aside - you mention being a student - if your course was like mine (also 45 weeks a year) the holidays were set in stone and tutors weren't flexible about allowing time off - this was explained before we started and as such we signed to say we wouldn't take holidays out of set periods. Therefore you may struggle regarding this aspect - a weekend in UK would have been doable but not a week abroad.

wow think you've had a lucky escape tbh. Certainly not worth the angst or 4 k (minimum ) it would cost. Her expectations of others are obviously way off. Remind her marriage is for life not just a wedding day next time she throws a fit.

Firstly, can you block / blacklist the contact from the BFF? It is none of her business whether you go or not.

Secondly, I do not know many people at all who would be able to pay this amount of money to attend a wedding. We certainly couldn't - we haven't had a holiday for several years because we simply cannot afforf it, even a few nights away in this country is beyond our means. It would take us years and years to save t £4000. And if I could manage it, i would really begrudge using precious holiday leave and hard earned money on somebody else's choice of holiday destination.

Of course your sister is disappointed, but the fact that nobody from'her' side can afford to go, says more about her lack of thought than it does about yours.

Raaaaaaa, more nasty texts from her BFF, they can go forth and multiply