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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants me to pick his dirty clothes up after him.

208 replies

Hairynigel · 08/02/2012 17:46

Boring old housework AIBU, sorry.
I'm a sahm with a 19mo ds, Dp runs his own company full time. I do all housework, (sometimes on weekends he will pitch in with washing up, tidying etc) I cook tea most nights, do all ds's bath times etc.

Anyway, dp has a habit of getting changed after work and leaving hs clothes artfully sprawled out on the bedroom floor. I then take it upon myself to shove said clothes at the bottom of his wardrobe where they can no longer bother me.
Dp came home today and started having a moan about this, apparently looking after ds only takes up a small percentage of my day Hmm and I should make it a priority to do more housework! So basically he wants me to start sniffing the armpits of his tops or crotch of his underwear to see if it needs washing or not, then wash it for him, then iron it and then put it away neatly.

AIBU for thinking he can pick up his own damn clothes and put them in the wash basket himself? Apparently his days are stressful enough without having to do this as well...

OP posts:
Catstwattypoosituation · 08/02/2012 22:56

It bothers me, sure. I'd love it if DH wouldn't leave things lying around, but it doesn't really matter. He's alive and well. He's not writing hate mail for me on the bathroom wall in his own shit. I'm happy with that.

What's sex got to do with things anyway? I don't refuse myself a wank because I farted once.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 23:00

that's a pretty low standard you set for a partner there, cats

Catstwattypoosituation · 08/02/2012 23:07

The Maggies have got nothing on me. Sometimes, I get a little crick in my back from bending over.

CardyMow · 08/02/2012 23:07

You can tell your DH that my 8yo DS2 WITH SPECIAL NEEDS knows that if it isn't in the washing basket, it's not getting washed. He manages. And he has autism. Then again - he has been taught how to separate lights and darks ready for a wash too. As has my 9yo DS1 and my 13yo DD (who also has SN). And the older ones can put a wash ON too. Though DD isn't yet capable of using the iron due to her SN, mores the pity.

None of them would moan at me if they didn't have clean underwear, either. Because they would get pointed in the direction of wherever they had LEFT their dirty underwear. Because the LAUNDRY BASKET is where dirty clothes go. If it's in the basket, it will be washed. It's a fairly simple premise that an 8yo with autism can grasp...

Shenanagins · 08/02/2012 23:11

My OH leaves a trail of clothes across the bedroom floor and sometimes right next to the washbasket. It all gets picked up and put in for washing - no crotch sniffing done though. Once dried, its taken up and left on the bed for him to iron/put away. He then goes to bed, throwing it onto the floor and so the cycle begins again.

He complains about this, but I tell him that unless he is able to put things needing washed into the wash basket, this will keep happening.

This has been going on for a number of years and to be honest it would be easier to train a dog...

The one thing I will say is that I have a "thing" for doing washing which is weird as really can't be arsed over most housework things.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 23:15

shenanigans, are you seriously saying you keep washing the same clean clothes over and over because he fails to put them away ?

really ?

apart from you being a mug who needs to find another hobby, that is a completely un-necessary drain on the environment

perfectstorm · 08/02/2012 23:29

I was about to type "unbelievable", but sadly, it isn't.

There is a difference between general housework and personal care and hygiene. He'll want his bottom wiped next.

Personally I'd buy something bright red from somewhere cheap - jeans would be good - then bung them in with all his whites and pales at 60 degrees. Then, "oh dear! Washing never was my forte."

Shenanagins · 08/02/2012 23:31

AnyFucker, 'fraid so. It is just my one little OCD thing. I know it is a complete drain on the environment but then so are lots of things in the modern world, like the disposable nappies that I go through by the bucket load.

Even before I was on mat leave and had a longer working day I did this. Even as I write this I can see why you would think that I am a mug, I really do, but trust me, this is my only housey type thing - I do draw the line at actually ironing anything for him! He does pull his weight round the house so I don't mind.

If I was really honest, I would be a bit annoyed if he did a counter washing machine attack. I am that weird over it all!

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 23:32

you need help, shenanigans, professional help Grin

sorry for being a bit brusque, but that is just completely crazy Confused

Tortington · 08/02/2012 23:33

i think women should slave after men on a daily basis. even more so after they have gone and done a 'pretend' days work. i mean women don't work as hard as men

Shenanagins · 08/02/2012 23:37

Tis very crazy but be rest assured it is my only OCD thing! At least he does actually notice when the house needs tidying and does get up off his arse and tidy.

UKSky · 08/02/2012 23:45

I just leave it on the floor. If it's left elsewhere in the house I just stick it on the back of the sofa where he sits. After being told a couple of times "that didn't need washing". Now I don't. There's a pile of clothes and shoes in his corner of the room and even some shorts from the summer. I just hoover around it.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 08/02/2012 23:53

Cat - it 'bothers you', but you're 'happy with it'. Well, fine. I don't see how it can genuinely be both - either it bothers you or it doesn't; either you're happy with it or you're not.

This is where you and I are very different. Wink I categorically would NOT be happy with it, because it is so much more than just leaving dirty laundry on the floor.

What's sex got to do with it? I thought I explained that very clearly - I just would stop fancying someone who thought my job was to act as his maid. I think many, many, many women do, in fact, stop fancying men who treat them (even causally and without express intention) as maids.

Isn't it odd that there are so many long-term relationships where the woman just goes off sex...

I'm sure yours isn't one of those and that you want sex with him just as much as you ever did.

People can defend their DH's right to leave his shit everywhere and their right to just get on with picking up after them until the cows come home, but I won't ever think it is a good, enviable way to live.

Shenanagins · 08/02/2012 23:57

Anyway op i digress. My point is that my oh leaves things on the floor also and i choose to pick up after him BUT if he actually expected me to do it, it would stop immediately.

startail · 09/02/2012 00:05

I've always rounded up everyone's washing. I do suggest laundry basket use, but the DDs shove everything in clean or dirty as instant tidiness and DH is beyond hope.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 09/02/2012 00:06

But that's the whole point - he does expect you to pick them... Confused

He doesn't pick them up.

The laundry fairy doesn't come in and pick them up.

You do.

He leaves stuff lying around because he knows it will get picked up and dealt with by someone who is far more suited than him to such mundane, dreary tasks, i.e. you.

This is why I couldn't live like this - the expectation that you just do it for him IS there, like it or not. :(

blackeyedsusan · 09/02/2012 00:08

not part of being a sahm. it is part of being an adult responsible for your own things and to show respect to your other half.

i think i would have told him, rather loudly Blush that I was not his servant/maid or his mother and if he wanted things washed then he had better put them in the basket. leaving stuff strewn on the floorr is not on.

my ds could seperate his (wet) nappy from his trousers, put the nappy in the bin and the trousers in the laundry basket. he is now learning to put the washing on. he knows which compartment to put the detergent in and checks to see if the machine is too full.

not got him trained to sort colours yet and he has a fondness for the number 9 so I would not trust him to press the correct buttons. not sure it is good for everything to be washed at 90! Grin

springydaffs · 09/02/2012 00:14

oh please go away for the weekend and leave the dc with him! Please!

And a list of chores. P-l-e-a-s-e!

Somebody said upthread it would be easier to train a dog. Then why don't you train him, like a dog. Or like a toddler. Find an equivalent of a naughty step or a withdrawal of privileges. No, not that one that would be being sexually controlling but something that matters to him that gets banned until he gets his act together.

Star chart?

McHappyPants2012 · 09/02/2012 00:35

If it on the floor it goes in the wash, but I never iron

Shenanagins · 09/02/2012 00:35

Slinky sorry to burst your bubble on that one he really doesn't expect me to do it. he has lived on his own for years and always like this but still did his own washing until i moved in and took over. But if he told me or even asked me to do it, it would stop

It is just my little weird thing as other crap will lie quite happily on the floor.

Catstwattypoosituation · 09/02/2012 01:02

I just can't conflate bending over to pick up a piece of fabric and putting it in the washing machine with slavery.

This infantile monkey dog man who treats me like a conveyor belt for laundry would crawl through the freezing snow at 3am to buy me a bar of chocolate if I had a tummy ache.

There's no need to develop a whole plot of enforced drudgery to ascribe to one minor flaw in his character.

And seriously, do I not want sex? That's just something I'll go off, is it, when I realise I didn't marry the male Kristie Allsop? DH held me while I gave birth. Quite a lot of the goo went on him. I think he easily wins least disgusting spouse.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 09/02/2012 01:04

Well - meh - lucky old him that picking up after him works for you. Refrains from making the point that while asking or telling you to do it is explicit, just leaving it all there for you is very implicit.

My old boss used to joke that one of the biggest downsides of being gay is that you don't get a wife. I was like, heh, I know what you mean - one of the biggest downsides of being a woman is that you don't get a wife!

I'd love a wife. One of those pliant, unquestioning ones which doesn't mind picking up my slack and just bloody getting on and doing it; doesn't feel the need to make petty points about it. Odd, isn't it, that it's pretty much always women picking up after men rather than the other way round, even when both WOH. Both perfectly capable, and yet...

But, then, actually, no I wouldn't. I just, very personally, wouldn't have too much respect for someone like that.

Catstwattypoosituation · 09/02/2012 06:24

What makes you jump to the conclusion that he does it on purpose to take advantage of me? What makes you jump to the conclusion that he doesn't cook, or polish, or hoover, or take care of the DC, or wash up, or trudge out in all weathers to take the bin out, or run me a bath I haven't asked for, or give me a hug when I'm grumpy, or wash the car in the freezing cold, or take care of the garden, or sort the stinking drains out?

I have never offered to take the bins out. I assume - I expect - that he will do it. I don't fill the bin up neatly for him either. He doesn't nag at me about it.

I know, why didn't my father train me to take the bins out? He should train me up like an animal now. If I can't sort the rubbish out, he should start punishing me by throwing away things that I clearly want to keep. Why doesn't he deliberately tip out the rubbish I didn't sort out on to my side of the bed to teach me a lesson? Do I think he's some kind of unpaid servant?

Sorry, but I don't see any advantage in acting like a vengeful Challenge Anneka.

LtEveDallas · 09/02/2012 06:39

DH used to do this. Drove me batty. He doesn't anymore after I said to him "I'm supposed to be your lover, not your mother - it's hard to want rampant sex with someone who leaves his skiddy underwear on the floor - I just can't look at you in that way now"

he does all his own washing now. Result!

boschy · 09/02/2012 06:43

I'm with you on this cats - what does it really matter?

My DH is a clothes-dropper; he's also inclined to leave a paper trail round the house. the paper annoys me more than the clothes tbh... but OTOH he cooks fantastically - without being asked to do it; he does stuff I hate like lightbulb changing; he sorts the computers out; he fixes things and above all he makes me and the DCs laugh.

I'm pretty sure he doesnt see me as a lesser being because I chuck his clothes in the laundry basket and then the washing machine, or hang his bath towel up so it's dry for next time.