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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, another 'children not invited' thread

199 replies

Memoo · 03/02/2012 17:44

tomorrow is my fil's 80th birthday.

Bil and sil are hosting a daytime party for him at their house. They have no children and live in a big, beautiful but not child friendly house. Think cream carpets and white cushions.

They have got people in to do the food and serve drinks and were quite determined that no children were allowed.

Fil, however, really really wants his granchildren to be there and keeps saying it's his party and we are to bring the children so the plan is to take them.

Bil and sil are not going to be impressed though.

What do I do???!

OP posts:
annh · 03/02/2012 23:04

I think if BIL/SIL are giving a party for FIL for his birthday, then he gets to have a big say in who comes. It is kind of them to host but the party is not for them to show off their house and wonderful party-throwing skills, it is for FIL to enjoy what might be his last birthday with a 0 on the end. If grandchildren are not invited that should have been made clear more than 48 hours before the party so you could decide if you wanted to attend and FIL could decide if it was how he wished to celebrate his birthday.

Freshlettice · 03/02/2012 23:14

You are treading on thin ice by intending to drive across to Yorks tomorrow, there will be serious snow moving over. Great excuse not to go at all. In fact there weather forecast prob means there will be hardly any guests if they have any sense

MiladyGardenia · 03/02/2012 23:37

Take the children, but have them stand outside the house and press their noses up against the windows, preferably looking undernourished if at all possible.

Then tell your BIL that you couldn't arrange childcare at such short notice so have still made the effort AND adhered to his dictat that the children are not allowed inside and you hope his other guests are not put off their party stride by the sight of the urchins outside.

lurkinginthebackground · 03/02/2012 23:39

I think your bil and sil sound awful.
Don't go, tell them exactly why and arrange a special treat for fil with your family.

differentnameforthis · 03/02/2012 23:53

I agree that the FIL should have a say in who goes to the party. The party is in his honour, therefore he should choose who is there, no?

My friend had a party for me at her house when I was 21. She was happy to invite whomever I wanted, and that included my sister who my friends doesn't like & fell out with at my wedding just months before. But my friend made an effort for my sake because she knew it was important to me.

To exclude 5 members of the FILs family is horrible & unreasonable. I know some children who are better behaved & less messy than adults. BIL is an arse & I hope an adult spills red wine on his cream cushions. Infact, if I was at a party for someone & found out there only grandchildren were excluded, I'd make a mess on something, on purpose! Grin

differentnameforthis · 03/02/2012 23:55

*their

Fireandashes · 04/02/2012 12:03

It's probably too late now, but how about ringing BIL and saying "this is putting us in quite a tricky position - we completely respect your wishes and your decor etc, but Grandad has said he really wants to see the kids on his birthday. What do you suggest is the best compromise?"

You know, talking about it, like grown-ups.

mumeeee · 04/02/2012 12:41

Your BIL is being VU. Your FIL should have all his family there which include his grandchildren. We had a family party for my Fathers 90th birthday and everyone came including his one year old great grandson. He would have been very upset if the children weren't invited. Does your BIL know how upset your BIL is? I would ask again if the children can come and I'd nor arrange another family celebration that includes them on another date.

breatheslowly · 04/02/2012 12:51

Memoo what have you decided to do?

pilates · 04/02/2012 13:11

That is such a shame to exclude his only grandchildren.

Sad for your father-in-law.

nkf · 04/02/2012 13:25

I think it is a shame to exclude children. I think FIL's wishes should be consulted but I also think the OP should stop stressing about it. Just go without the children and have a separate tea with FIL.

For all we know, FIL might be one of those people who tell people want they want to hear. So he's said to OP that he wants his grandchildren there and to BIL that he wants an adults only party.

OP is the guest and I can't see how she can get more involved. It's for FIL to make his wishes known. Or at most, one of his children should have a discreet word. OP is taking on stress that she doesn't need to.

AmberLeaf · 04/02/2012 13:27

I would just go with my children.

What will they do...refuse to open the door?

hackmum · 04/02/2012 13:57

What an odd situation. Obviously if they're hosting a party for themselves, they can do whatever they want, and I can understand why they don't want a load of kids running around their beautiful house (if I'm honest, I tend to feel the same way, and my house isn't that beautiful). But what's the point of hosting a party for FiL if they completely disregard his wishes? He'll have a miserable time, you'll have to sort out childcare for five kids, they'll probably be upset at not seeing their grand-dad.

Also, you're in an impossible position if FiL is saying bring your kids and BiL is saying don't bring them. I don't think you can take them if they're not invited, but whatever you decide to do, it's going to result in bad feeling.

OriginalJamie · 04/02/2012 14:17

Not original, but your bil is a tosser

OriginalJamie · 04/02/2012 14:19

I wouldn't go. See him separately. This party's for their benefit, not his.

redwineformethanks · 04/02/2012 14:27

So..........the party is today. What did you do in the end?

Bue · 04/02/2012 14:33

Your BIL and SIL are a couple of assholes. I can't even imagine a family in which children are excluded from their grandfather's daytime 80th birthday party, especially when he very much wants them there!

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2012 15:44

Turn up at the party and announce you can't stay long as you've left the kids in the car. You couldn't find a babysitter for all 5 of them since all your family is here at the party. See how long it take them to look stupid.

Coconutty · 04/02/2012 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidEchidna · 04/02/2012 16:10

I think it is cruel to exclude the grandchildren from such a lovely occasion

annh · 04/02/2012 16:11

So what did you decide to do?

pigletmania · 04/02/2012 17:04

Its a party for him so they should respect his wishes. Why do they not hire a hall or something. It sounds like they are doing the party for them not him, he will not enjoy it if his gc are not there what utter dicks.

SixtyFootDoll · 04/02/2012 17:09

I'd do want youoldslag says.
How ridiculous to throw a family party but not invite the gran kids.

TupperwareTwat · 04/02/2012 19:29

YANBU. I bet their party is shit.

Original poster
Memoo · 04/02/2012 19:42

What a bloody day!

We didn't go because we couldn't get a babysitter but have arranged to go for a meal with pil next week.

But sil has just posted a message on her FaceBook saying what a lovely day they've had but it's a shame that some people can't make the effort!!! Clearly aimed at us, I'm astounded.

I've also just learnt that dh's cousin took her 15 year old son.

OP posts:
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