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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, another 'children not invited' thread

199 replies

Memoo · 03/02/2012 17:44

tomorrow is my fil's 80th birthday.

Bil and sil are hosting a daytime party for him at their house. They have no children and live in a big, beautiful but not child friendly house. Think cream carpets and white cushions.

They have got people in to do the food and serve drinks and were quite determined that no children were allowed.

Fil, however, really really wants his granchildren to be there and keeps saying it's his party and we are to bring the children so the plan is to take them.

Bil and sil are not going to be impressed though.

What do I do???!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2012 18:10

OP, is it a big party? Who else has been invited?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 03/02/2012 18:11

I like YouOldSlag's suggestion about a pre-party, much better than my first thought, which was to invent a time machine so you could host/have the party at a kid-friendly venue

Birdsgottafly · 03/02/2012 18:11

This should have been resolved as soon as the planning started.

It depends on the health etc of your FIL, my mum, in her 80's, cannot cope with upset, disagreement etc, so is easy to manipulate, the OP's FIL might be the same. If so it would be unfair to put him in the middle of this.

You cannot really take them and it is unfair to cause a family row on his birthday, it should have been done weeks ago.

aldiwhore · 03/02/2012 18:11

I think this is for your FIL to sort out. He's 80, the party is in honour, he should be able to dictate some of the celebration.

Your BIL and SIL are unreasonable, not for throwing the party, but for not accomodating the birthday boy's wishes.

Your FIL is being unreasonable to, he's 80 not 800 and if his opinion is so strong can certainly tell your BIL and SIL, he's told you strongly enough, so tell him you won't be part of his conspiracy to break the rules, but you will support him fully if he rings the hosts and demands that some of his requests are met, as they're leaving out some very key people in his life.

Not sure what you can do other than that.

tanmu82 · 03/02/2012 18:14

BIL and SIL are being selfish and unnecessarily mean. I think you should organise your own party with FIL, have the kids dress us and be waiters/waitresses and thus prove how utterly well behaved and civilised they are. Take lots of photos and brag for the next few years about how much fun your party was and how it included ALL the family (though I'd be tempted not to invite BIL and SIL....)

FetchezLaVache · 03/02/2012 18:39

FIL is putting you in an awkward position by asking you to take the DCs along despite BIL's unambiguous stance. Very mean of BIL btw! FIL should have put his foot down as soon as this became clear and declined the use of their house for the party.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 03/02/2012 18:48

You shouldn't take the kids, but you (or your DH) SHOULD point out that no-one is impressed that the birthday celebrations are more about what BIL wants than what his Dad wants.

Afraid I'd be very passive aggressive about it and say something like 'Well without the kids there it isn't going to be much of anything for Dad, as he's already said, so we'll just pop in quickly and have a proper family celebration later in the week.'

ThisIsNotMyLife · 03/02/2012 18:55

I'd be aggresive aggresive and take the kids with strict instructions to run into the room shouting "Grandad!" and all give him a big hug.

Seriously, this situation is daft so requries a daft solution. It's a nice, simple gordions knot solution to the problem.

redwineformethanks · 03/02/2012 19:02

The party's tomorrow. You've left it very late to be undecided about whether to go. I don't understand why this wasn't clarified sooner. If your BIL didn't want children in his house (or didn't have space for an extra people), did he make it clear from the beginning? If so, that was your chance to suggest an alternative venue

MinnieBar · 03/02/2012 19:07

Maybe take the DCs for an hour or even less and one of you leave early with them while the other stays?

Original poster
Memoo · 03/02/2012 19:09

It's a medium size party. About 50 guests going. But it IS going to be really really boring. We're in Cheshire and they're in Yorkshire so it's a fair drive too.

Oh how I'd love to take the dc and give them each a huge bar of chocolate with instructions to wipe their fingers all over bil Walls!

I think we will go over early and let the Dc spend a few hours with their grandad before the party. They can make him a nice brunch as someone suggested.

Bloody family eh! Can live with em. Can't shoot them.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 19:11

I would just go to it without the DCs and then run your own with DCs. No one can object to 2 celebrations.

Original poster
Memoo · 03/02/2012 19:15

We were only told on yesterday that they had decided it best for the dc not to come. Sil though it was rediculous that we should even think of taking them.

Tbh they do want to just show off with their big house. They live in a big three bed semi. They've just converted tbe loft into a master suite. So now they've got 4 bedrooms just for tbe two of them.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 19:19

However you feel about it you are invited to someone else's house and it is not your place to bring anyone or anything, be that children, dogs, cats or banana trees, that they have specifically said that they don't want there. I can't say if your BIL and SIL would refuse you entry or eject you and your children from their house if you ignore their requests but I can tell you that it's not beyond the realms of imagination because I would.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 03/02/2012 19:19

Memoo they are BVU to have white walls and cream cushions.... this is not the 80s and we don't live in Dallas Grin.

Apart from that, they are clearly the childfree (as I'm sure they would describe themselves....) type of couple that regard children as Wild Untamed Beasts to be unleashed on the wider world only after school (and only then in small doses). They are really BVU to have a celebration for an 80 year old w/o his grandchildren - seriously, who does this?

That being said, they are the hosts and you have to go by their wishes. Also explain to FIL that maybe his wish to have his DGC there at his celebration would be better conveyed from the horse's mouth? You can't really be the go-between in this....

Keeping the family peace... tra la la and all that.... Wish you all the best!

ragged · 03/02/2012 19:20

Ah I was going to say petulant of you to not go at all, but given the drive distance, I can understand why.

What pants.
What about going a day early & doing something super fun with Granddad, all you lot, and then skip out the party.

KD0706 · 03/02/2012 19:20

I think your plan sounds very sensible - brunch with grandad, then leave before the party.
I can completely understand why you're upset and I don't think it would be unreasonable to say something to bil/sil along the lines of its a shame FIL didn't get to spend his birthday as he wanted, ie with grand kids.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2012 19:20

Why doesn't your DH have a word?

And uninviting at this late stage is very rude.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 19:20

I wouldn't push it-they will probably make you feel uncomfortable-I bet it is the sort of house where you have to take your nice clean party shoes off at the door!
It is a pity that everyone wasn't in at the planning stage and FIL didn't get in that he wanted all family. I have to say that if I was 80 I would be a bit miffed if some of the closest family members were banned.
However-as it is a done deal -I would fit in and then hold your lovely relaxed one.

Thetokengirl · 03/02/2012 19:22

I'm afraid I would refuse to go, and make sure my dh didn't go either.
We had my Dad's 80th last year in a village hall with outside caterers. Everyone had a great time. The best bit for Dad and the other oldies? Watching all the children run around and play together really nicely. Now THAT's what family parties are all about.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 19:22

Maybe it will snow and you can't get there anyway!!

FetchezLaVache · 03/02/2012 19:27

They're being absolutely ridiculous to tell you at such short notice you can't bring the DCs! They may not have any themselves, but they must surely realise it won't be easy for you to arrange childcare?

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 19:28

Can you actually arrange childcare? It is terribly short notice.

SauvignonBlanche · 03/02/2012 19:30

Your BIL is being a twat!

albertswearingen · 03/02/2012 19:32

Your BIL and SIL are being totally unreasonable especially as you are having to drive quite a way. You could just tell them that it is too late to organise a babysitter so the kids will have to come and if they don't want them in they will sit in the car right in front of the house with their little faces pressed sadly against the glass.
Actually I would do what you are planning with the brunch and everything. But I would also go along to the party for a quick glass of red wine/cup of coffee which I would spill/chuck all over their white carpets. Idiots.

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