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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sorry, another 'children not invited' thread

199 replies

Memoo · 03/02/2012 17:44

tomorrow is my fil's 80th birthday.

Bil and sil are hosting a daytime party for him at their house. They have no children and live in a big, beautiful but not child friendly house. Think cream carpets and white cushions.

They have got people in to do the food and serve drinks and were quite determined that no children were allowed.

Fil, however, really really wants his granchildren to be there and keeps saying it's his party and we are to bring the children so the plan is to take them.

Bil and sil are not going to be impressed though.

What do I do???!

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 03/02/2012 19:34

Christ almighty! This is just jaw-dropping. BIL and SIL are a bunch of arseholes. And I bet the fuckers will whinge if you don't go because of this.

GRRRR on your behalf.

Let us know what happens eh.

Inertia · 03/02/2012 19:35

As it's so far away I would be contacting FIL and BIL to explain that you cannot arrange childcare given one day's notice, so unfortunately cannot attend the party.
Then do your own celebration for FIL.

Original poster
Memoo · 03/02/2012 19:40

It's quite amusing watching bil and sil at Xmas etc as they watch us dealing with the dc. Their facial expressions range from amazement, bewilderment, disgust and horror.

Dd, who has been potty training, had an accident. Sil nearly keeled over!

OP posts:
vanillamum · 03/02/2012 19:43

I think alternative birthday party and photos etc is a brilliant idea but just wonder about having a birthday breakfast on the same day as their party. It could be exhausting for your grandad to do the two events in one day (although you know him and he could be as fit as a fiddle) I would probably go for having your better party the day before that way he won't be too tired at the BIL party and won't stop talking about how brilliant yours was. And definitely make sure you and him have loads of photos of your great party to hand round at the party. Your BIL is a knob btw.

breatheslowly · 03/02/2012 19:44

If you go over earlier to all see your FIL, do you actually have anywhere to leave your DC if you want to go to the rest of the party?

Your BIL is being a dick. The idea of not having your DGC at your 80th is just odd. I wouldn't want to go without my DC as I imagine all the other guests would be asking where they were and it will look a bit crap for you that you haven't brought them with you (even though it isn't your fault).

otchayaniye · 03/02/2012 19:50

people who exclude children from family events, such as birthdays and weddings, haven't the first clue about hospitality and will be regarded by right-thinking, well-brought-up individuals as colossal pillocks with no clue about how to do these things.

lisaro · 03/02/2012 19:51

They are very kindly hosting this in their home. I think it's incredibly rude of your FIL to tell you to ignore their wishes and I'm shocked you're considering this. YABVVVU.

lisaro · 03/02/2012 19:53

Although I have to say I certainly wouldn't have a party and do that.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 03/02/2012 19:57

You sound like the sort of parent that thinks everyone should adore your children. And you sound like you are jealous of their house. Why shouldn't they want to show people their home that they have worked on? Why shouldn't they have a loft conversion and four bedrooms just for the two of them?

That's what they chose to do, and it's just as valid as you choosing to have children.

Your fil is very rude. He should be thankful that his family have arranged a party for him. If he wanted a party where he could have his grandchildren there, he should be paying for a suitable venue.

LydiaWickham · 03/02/2012 19:58

Well, obviously the solution is that you go over early and see FIL elsewhere where DCs are allowed to be. Then in order to go to the party, you'll need a babysitter, how about granddad? FIL could stay at his house with his DGC and your BIL & SIL can have their dream party without any irriating children or elderly people distracting from the real point of the day, showing off how much richer they are compared to the rest of the family. Win win.

otchayaniye · 03/02/2012 19:58

i prefer biophiles in my life.

zipzap · 03/02/2012 19:59

If they only told you yesterday then it sounds like they have changed the goalposts have been changed at the last minute which changes things somewhat. Could you say you can't get childcare at such short notice? Was it just a case of it was obvious to you and your dad that family party included kids while to them it was obvious that a family party didn't include them? And that you'd all been talking at cross purposes?

Not excusing them but wondering if this is how they planned it so you couldn't veto plans early on by choosing a child friendly venue; so they get to show off their house and only now have thrown the spanner in when it is too late to change everything.

I think they should let your dad decide who comes and you should also throw down the gauntlet and say that they are being unreasonable to change things so late and that you are sorry but you will be bringing the children with you. I'd just lay on thick that how bad it will look to everybody else if they won't let the grandchildren come even when your dad really wants them there. And finish with a cheery 'we'll all see you at the party' and see what they do. Are they really going to turn you away if you turn up with the kids?

QuintessentialyHollow · 03/02/2012 20:00

5 children. It would change the dynamics if suddenly 10% of the party were children.

If they have invited 50 guests for dads 80th birthday, it is NOT a child friendly party. And I bet that this party is costing a packet, and to suddenly have 5 children about, it is going to be much more work for the hostess.

LydiaWickham · 03/02/2012 20:00

Or more appropriately, FIL should call BIL and SIL and say he wants his DGC at the party, so if they can't be there at BIL's house, then the party needs to move to a different location. (Be prepared to help him at this late stage sort that out) It's his party, they are hosting it for him, but it's his birthday, if he wants his DGC there, then he should be allowed to invite them.

KatieMiddleton · 03/02/2012 20:04

Host rival party.

Then post a live thread in chat totting up who won which guests. The winner is the host with the most guests but FIL and MIL are worth 100 points.

BIL and SIL are being unreasonable to have a family party and not invite family. If they want child-free it should be an evening affair.

LydiaWickham · 03/02/2012 20:05

BTW - why does SIL think it's rediculous to consider taking children to their Uncle and Aunt's house? I'd ask her to explain why she doesn't think it's a very child friendly party?

redwineformethanks · 03/02/2012 20:22

I'm sceptical that you were only told today that children are not welcome. This seems inconsistent with your OP that BIL and SIL "were quite determined that no children were allowed"and FIL "keeps saying it's his party and we are to bring the children"

I think it was clear before today that children were not included. I would agree that an 80th birthday family party should normally include children, but I think you should have had this conversation far earlier, when there was still time to thank BIL and SIL for their generous offer, but suggest an alternative venue.

I can't help thinking you were intending your children to gatecrash the party, came on here expecting support and are now changing the story a bit

breatheslowly · 03/02/2012 20:48

Quint - I don't see how adding 5 children would change the dynamics of a daytime party or add to the "hostess's" work. They would be supervised by their parents. Presumably they eat normal food and drink water (or their parents will bring stuff for them). We have taken DD to "adult" parties and as long as it is during the day she is fine and no trouble at all. And she has been one of 5 great grand children at otherwise adult parties and again they have all been fine.

feebeecat · 03/02/2012 21:00

What is the point of agreeing to host a party for someone and then completely disregarding what they want? Who are they doing it for??
I have been in a similar position and my father would have hit the roof if I had listened to original instructions and not taken my dc - his opinion - it was his birthday, just happened to be in a certain venue (not his idea) and he would rather spend his time with his beloved grandchildren than have a "grown up do" with no fun, he had grown up enough. It didn't go down too well in certain circles, Dad had a great time with the dc and I have never regretted it. Don't get many birthdays after that age, if it's what he wants, tell bil it is all part of the deal.
And good luck!

CumberdickBendybatch · 03/02/2012 21:05

I'd be very tempted to make the kids extra sticky (the younger ones anyway) and take them all.

Normally the host rules apply, but they are throwing the party for FIL and I reckon his rules apply this time.

Either none of you go, or all of you do and deal with the fallout. Your BIL might be pleasantly surprised by your well behaved kids.

BendyBob · 03/02/2012 21:15

I disagree about taking the children and hoping they leave sticky marks everywhere. Surely that would just reinforce the host's point.

It seems unkind to omit them, but this seems very odd. I wonder are there reasons why bil/sil don't want them at their house ie poor behaviour?

Lueji · 03/02/2012 21:20

You should host the party then, or you'll should all find a different venue.

Who celebrates a grandad birthday without his grandchildren?

canyou · 03/02/2012 21:21

BendyBob it might not be the DC behaviour, I have a very good friend, she is lovely her DH is lovely I dread bringing DC to their pristine child free house when invited, They often host adult only parties it is because they cannot comprehend why it would be a problem and more simply it kills my friend to see what she is missing her home full of childish fun,

canyou · 03/02/2012 21:22

Oh and I am not saying she is right just that is what she needs to do to cope with her situation right now.

nkf · 03/02/2012 21:26

I'd go and have a birthday tea for the grandfather and the grandchildren. There may be more going on beneath the surface but that would work best for me.