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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because this is it I am never talking to my parents again-ever.

161 replies

moiandkermee · 02/02/2012 19:58

I have never posted before but this...
My parents have come to visit us for the week.. I am from a fundamental
christian family.
We have 2 young DCs at 3 and 1.
My parents really don't like the fact that I left the faith, that we didn't get married in church and that we are raising the DCs without a faith.
But they have tolerated it to continue to have a relationship with me, DH and will-be 3 DCs.
DH was at work today so it was the 5 of us, they took the 2 DCs out this morning, came back, we played and chatted and had an all around nice time.
Late afternoon I came into our kitchen to find my parents holding the DD and DS partway though baptising them.

I grabbed DCs, shouted at my parents to get put, caused both DCs to start crying. DH came in a few minutes later finding me crying at the kitchen table hugging DD and DS looking at me puzzled saying 'mammy have you got a baddy?' and my parents upstairs packing complaining about where they are going to go till their train on Monday.
I told them that I never want to speak or see them again and then basically threw them out.

I am fuming. How on God's earth could my parents do something like that?
DH thinks that when I calm down that I should contact them because they are my parents.
But they tried to baptise my children in my kitchen (actually did DS but I am trying to forget that)! I am not over-reacting, am I?

OP posts:
HollyGoHeavily · 02/02/2012 20:02

No, I would be absolutely furious if someone did that to my DC.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 20:02

YANBU. That is not ok. I am really sorry that happened to you, that is very belittling behaviour on their part.

Your DH is wrong IMO, they need to be out for a bit at least while you process.

Memoo · 02/02/2012 20:03

Yanbu but how could they baptise your child? Are they ministers?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2012 20:03

Do they even have the power to baptise? Confused

I'm catholic and fairly sure that I couldn't do it if the whim took me.

I can understand your shock and anger but yes, I think you've overreacted here. They could have just as easily chanted the words of a nursery rhyme and it would have the same effect.

Religion is an odd thing and would be so much more tolerable if everybody did their own thing without ever talking about it or demonstrating it on anybody else.

Let them stew a little, you are owed an apology for disregarding your views but don't escalate it to estrangement unless you really mean what you say.

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/02/2012 20:04

They were baptising your children? Are they ordained ministers of the Faith then?

Lueji · 02/02/2012 20:04

YANBU at all.

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/02/2012 20:05

Seriously - you can't just go around baptising people you know! Imagine the chaos if you could! Are you sure that's what they were doing?

ILoveSanta · 02/02/2012 20:05

YANBU at all, they should not force their choice of lifestyle/ religion upon your children. Especially in that underhand way!

I do however think I would leave it a while till I calmed down, and then ask them to explain themselves before I cut them out totally. I just feel that you may regret it in years to come, and always wonder if you could repair at least some of the damage.

I would never, ever leave them alone with my children again though, as I would feel that my trust has been broken.

Rhubarbgarden · 02/02/2012 20:05

I don't think you are BU to be furious and upset. I would be too. They were very, very out of line.

But to say you will never speak to them again is a bit much. When you have all had a cooling off period, I would explain to them why you are so angry - you will have to spell it out. And tell them no more unaccompanied access to their grandchildren until you feel can trust them again.

Original poster
moiandkermee · 02/02/2012 20:06

Anyone can baptise someone if it is an emergency/or the person's life is in danger.
I pressume they thought DCs eternal lives were in danger or something.

OP posts:
HollyGoHeavily · 02/02/2012 20:06

But it doesn't matter if it was an 'official' baptism by ordained ministers, what matters is what it symbolises - a complete lack of respect for the OPs views and the way she is raising her children.

LucyGoose · 02/02/2012 20:06

Oh my god! You are not overeacting!! I am so sorry this happened, I would be livid with rage. They clearly do not respect you or your choices and have done something that they have been wanting to do for a long time. This was clearly planned.

Once you have calmed down maybe you can call them and tell them why what they did was completely wrong. They owe you and your husband a massive apology. And only then can you decide what you want to do.

I have some family that are strict catholics so I know a little about this mindset. They would cry and try and bully me if I told them my children will never be baptised.

PotteringAlong · 02/02/2012 20:06

Witch - you could! The catholic church (and any Christian church as far as I know) will recognize baptism by anyone. As long as water is involved and the words are said it's classed as a baptism.

(

BehindLockNumberNine · 02/02/2012 20:07

Uhm, are they 'registered / qualified / ordained to baptise your children? If not, then no harm done, they were basically just sprinkling some water onto them to make themselves feel better.

That puts them firmly in the 'slightly barmy' camp.

I am not sure that never speaking to them again ever is the right way forward. But let it all calm down and then have a round the table discussion whereby you lay out your ground rules. It basically comes down to them respecting your decision not to follow the faith.

But yanbu to be cross and annoyed and upset. Let them leave, but be open to speaking to them in a few weeks / months.

SnapesDoxy · 02/02/2012 20:07

Any Catholic can baptise any one else into the Catholic faith. That is true.

Don't know about any other churches.

YANBU, I would be so angry I could barely see.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/02/2012 20:08

No you are not over-reacting Shock.
How can your parents baptise your child? Are they ministers? If not ,it means nothing. If they are then they need consent.

My parents are very religious, Church Members, very active in Church. DH parents (well my MIL anyway) also church goer.

I would be furious if anyone even took my DC to church without my knowledge. They do study religion at school, but that I know about.I am quite happy to answer questions, but not to force it on them.

When I was a child (until about 16 yo) I was forced to attend Church.

workshy · 02/02/2012 20:08

I can understand why you are upset but I'm guessing the DCs are too young to understand so as a non believer it is meaningless words

they shouldn't have done it but is it worth never speaking to them again?

GeraldineHoHoHobergine · 02/02/2012 20:08

It's true I was asked to baptise a patient once and the priest said it was fine as life or death (he was too far away).

BehindLockNumberNine · 02/02/2012 20:08

Oooh, you don't have to be ordained? Anyone can do it for it to be 'official'? Yikes, in that case they are more than slightly barmy. Yikes...

But still, give them a few months and be open to talking to them...

Flisspaps · 02/02/2012 20:08

YANBU.

The point is that they know you do not believe in religion and yet have tried to perform some semblance of a baptism in your kitchen against your wishes. Whether they have the authority from their church to do so is irrelevant.

If you feel that you will never be able to trust them with your children again (given that this happened in your home, with you in the house) then do what you feel you have to. I don't think you should contact them 'just because they are your parents' though.

StrandedBear · 02/02/2012 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/02/2012 20:10

Well I never knew that! I'm going to start baptising people then! I shall start with the sour faced woman at the fag counter in Asda!

Tmesis · 02/02/2012 20:11

LyingWitch you could perform "emergency" baptism that's how the whole Edgardo Mortara case got started.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 02/02/2012 20:11

Any Catholic can baptise any child and once they have done so, that child is considered a Catholic until the day they die unless they are excommunicated (or I think there's a particular ritual to "divorce the church" sort of thing for very specific circumstances) At one time the Church in Italy used to actually sieze babies who had been baptised and place them with Catholic families - there were several cases where nannies or maids "baptised" jewish babies and told the priest, and the babies were removed. If a Catholic who is baptised themself makes the sign of the cross on a babies head and says the correct words (which I forget but something like I baptise thee in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen) then that baby is, in the eyes of the Church, a Catholic.
Did you notice you said "what on God's earth" in your OP by the way? childhood indoctrination sticks with you more than realise sometimes Confused
If you now have no religion and aren't raising your DCs in a religion, then why are you so upset? It's not like we're still like it was 100s of years ago with an all powerful Church, and your parents cannot actually do anything to your DCs other than spout dogma at them, and only if you allow them to, so calm down and try and let it go a bit. It's not like they fed them Greggs or intravenous fruitshoot tries to lighten mood slightly or tried to actually kidnap them/take them away to a commune or anything. The children were proabbyl more upset by you ranting and raving and grabbing and screaming Confused At 3 and 1 they won't understand or remember what granny and grandpa did, but your 3 yr old might remember "the time mummy went mad in the kitchen"...

GrahamTribe · 02/02/2012 20:12

YANBU, this would be a deal breaker for me. No way would my parents be coming back into my home or anywhere near my children again.