Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because this is it I am never talking to my parents again-ever.

161 replies

moiandkermee · 02/02/2012 19:58

I have never posted before but this...
My parents have come to visit us for the week.. I am from a fundamental
christian family.
We have 2 young DCs at 3 and 1.
My parents really don't like the fact that I left the faith, that we didn't get married in church and that we are raising the DCs without a faith.
But they have tolerated it to continue to have a relationship with me, DH and will-be 3 DCs.
DH was at work today so it was the 5 of us, they took the 2 DCs out this morning, came back, we played and chatted and had an all around nice time.
Late afternoon I came into our kitchen to find my parents holding the DD and DS partway though baptising them.

I grabbed DCs, shouted at my parents to get put, caused both DCs to start crying. DH came in a few minutes later finding me crying at the kitchen table hugging DD and DS looking at me puzzled saying 'mammy have you got a baddy?' and my parents upstairs packing complaining about where they are going to go till their train on Monday.
I told them that I never want to speak or see them again and then basically threw them out.

I am fuming. How on God's earth could my parents do something like that?
DH thinks that when I calm down that I should contact them because they are my parents.
But they tried to baptise my children in my kitchen (actually did DS but I am trying to forget that)! I am not over-reacting, am I?

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 02/02/2012 20:27

To be honest if it were me, I'd be fucking ripping and would have put them out of my house.

You decide how to raise your children and the fact that when you weren't looking your parents decided to baptise your child in your bloody kitchen is hurtful, dismissive and to be honest one of the strangest things I've heard.

I find it strange that on Mumsnet posters use the phrase your child your way etc and there are posts supporting a parent who is really upset that a grandparent has given a child sweets when they are minding them but this doesn't appear to be that big a deal Shock

Kladdkaka · 02/02/2012 20:28

Fundamental Christians don't baptise children, they believe in adult baptism.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2012 20:28

Chas it's true. It makes the relative in question feel so much better and to us is just a bit of a waste of water. They give it power, we can choose not to.

I feel I have a responsibility to raise my DD rational and intelligent which to me means not religious. I can understand the dread in people if they felt their GD was damned however silly I believe that to be.

Glimmerberry · 02/02/2012 20:28

I don't really get your reaction.

If you don't believe then your parents were carrying out a meaningless ritual with your kids that they (the kids) will most likely have forgotten by the next day. And the only memorable drama or harm the kids experienced was that created by you.

Dealing with your parents should have been done separately.

Marilyn1980 · 02/02/2012 20:28

I'm guessing the OP had a hard time growing up, my friend was brought up in a fundamentalist church family, and until she "got away" had a terrible life. She would throw a shit fit if anyone still involved with the church spoke to her son, far less tried to baptise him. I'm guessing this is more about the OP's feelings, about her own upbringing, causing an adverse reaction rather than any belief that her children will now have to be involved in the church.

YANBU OP

snowmummy · 02/02/2012 20:37

YANBU. They have shown a complete lack of respect for your beliefs.

joanofarchitrave · 02/02/2012 20:37

I'm pretty sure I get your reaction - I agree with Marilyn. For example, my parents never once spanked me. If I came into my house and saw my mother slap my ds, I would be taken aback and upset, but would also think 'Oh dear, my mum's hip must be hurting her to do something so out of character, wonder what ds did to wind her up, maybe he's just too much for her at the moment' etc. Whereas if I'd been regularly hit/humiliated by my parents, my reaction would be atomic.

I would guess, OP, that you feel your parents' religion was a highly negative influence on your early life, hence your rejection of it and hence your reaction to them bringing it back into your house, and actually seeking to bring your children under its umbrella. You know exactly what it meant to them and why they did it - fear of hell etc - and you reacted as anyone might to someone bringing that fear and negative influence to your children's lives.

I hope tbh that you find a way back to see your parents again. On your terms.

WakeUpRosemary · 02/02/2012 20:39

I agree with MrsPratchett. My MIL is a staunch Catholic and very upset that we have no religion and didn't get our DS baptised. On our wedding day (registry office, also a huge bone of contention ) my own mother suggested to MIL that she could baptise him herself. I'm not sure if she did or not but now I think that if she did and she's happier in herself, I don't mind. She loves DS so I guess the thought of his soul in Limbo hurts her more than the idea of her pouring some water over his head and blessing him hurts me. And he obviously doesn't give a crap either way.

WakeUpRosemary · 02/02/2012 20:41

Actually I think Limbo has been scrapped now. Not sure where she thinks DS would end up.

DCgirl · 02/02/2012 20:44

YANBU OP, not to get upset and not to kick them out. They completely overstepped the line and disrespected you, and understandably you don't want them around you right now. When you've calmed down...only you will know if it feels right to cut off all contact. I get the impression from your post that this is not the first time your parents have been overbearing and controlling. You'll have to make a decision bearing in mind that history.

I don't get all the people saying they don't get your reaction. I imagine you feel, rightly, kind of violated (and I say that as somebody who believes in God and had her DS baptised).

Original poster
moiandkermee · 02/02/2012 20:45

Thanks

just was it?
Klad my parent's church does and me and my brothers were defiantly baptised as children.

I know that (to me) it is nothing and just water and words but the fact that it was behind our backs in our house while I was there. And yes I didn't have the best of experiences with church/religion when I was growing up.

OP posts:
jan2011 · 02/02/2012 20:48

i guess they just thought they were doing something good for the children, asking god to help them etc but they shudve asked you first. think ur overreacting a bit.

CakeMixture · 02/02/2012 20:49

JustOneMoreQuestion Thu 02-Feb-12 20:24:59
This happened in The Simpsons episode tonight.

Did it JustOne?
Shall we then assume an invasion of external forces?

Interesting discussion nonetheless :o

spendthrift · 02/02/2012 20:53

AYANBU in your initial reaction because they were deliberately doing something that they knew was not only against your wishes but was important to you. It's not like a surreptitious ice cream.

But although from their point of view the baptism has worked for one child, from your point of view it's presumably just good old water and an extra wash for all the effect it could have had.

I'd let everything calm down; and then have a conversation that appreciates their love and concern but says no more thank you. It sounds as if they are loving grandparents and it"s a real shame for children not to have grandparents even if tfhey are batty. Unless they are toxic.

Bufster · 02/02/2012 20:54

I don't get the view expressed on this tread that this shouldn't matter to you if you are an atheist.

I am an atheist - so I don't believe that God exists. But I do very much believe that the (Catholic, Lutheran etc) churches exist. The fact that this ritual has been carried out means that in the eyes of the OP's parents and in the eyes of their church, the DC now belong to this church.

If something like this happened to my DD I would be extremely angry.

YANBU.

spendthrift · 02/02/2012 20:54

YANBU in your initial reaction because they were deliberately doing something that they knew was not only against your wishes but was important to you. It's not like a surreptitious ice cream.

But although from their point of view the baptism has worked for one child, from your point of view it's presumably just good old water and an extra wash for all the effect it could have had.

I'd let everything calm down; and then have a conversation that appreciates their love and concern but says no more thank you. It sounds as if they are loving grandparents and it"s a real shame for children not to have grandparents even if tfhey are batty. Unless they are toxic.

StrandedBear · 02/02/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 02/02/2012 20:56

I don't think it shouldn't matter to atheists. I just mean it doesn't matter to me as an atheist. But I used to belong to a church that did a lot of good, so I don't have an issue with churches as such. Just don't believe in God

Abirdinthehand · 02/02/2012 20:57

Klad you can be a 'fundamentalist' anything - Catholic, anglican, methodist, pentecostal - it's a bit of a fuzzy term really. So while you are right, the vast majority of non-conformist churches do not practice infant baptism, a few do, and the OP's parents might not be non-conformist - maybe they are fundamentalist anglicans!

Abirdinthehand · 02/02/2012 21:00

Bufster that might be true for the Catholic church (baptised = catholic) but I think for most protestant churches it would be more like baptised + faith = part of the faith.

But it was still very unreasonable of them.

spendthrift · 02/02/2012 21:02

Sorry pressed post twice.

Yes homer ends up getting baptised by ned flanders when he retrieves the others from ned's grasp. When asked what it feels like he uses the immortal line that it was like st augustine of hippo being baptised by st ambrose of milan.

OP it was outrageous behaviour even if understandable from their point of view. I feel for you. But can you now rise above it?

minimisschief · 02/02/2012 21:04

Although its highly pathetic and insulting your parents tried to sneak a baptism.

You are sort of over reacting because if you didnt believe in anything of the sort then it will occur to you they just sprinkled water on the childs head while speaking a load of bollocks

Bufster · 02/02/2012 21:04

Abird - that is true. I was, I guess, thinking mainly of the Catholic church.

My MIL is Catholic and upset that my DD is not baptised. I hope she doesn't know about anyone being able to baptise someone...

OneLastSoul · 02/02/2012 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

breatheslowly · 02/02/2012 21:31

I am very non-religious (if that makes sense) and I think that I would consider what they did to be a sign that they were complete nutters. I wouldn't leave my children alone with my parents again as I would be concerned that they would be spouting mumbo-jumbo about evil and the devil and that kind of thing at my children. But I wouldn't actually be too bothered about them having done the baptism thing as it doesn't really cause harm. I think I would find it quite funny, but I haven't had your upbringing, so obviously you will have a different perspective on it. When I was younger my cousin and I tried to baptise his dog (the dog was a bit scared of water so I don't think it worked, but if it did and it is now in doggy heaven, then I'll take the credit).

Swipe left for the next trending thread