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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because this is it I am never talking to my parents again-ever.

161 replies

moiandkermee · 02/02/2012 19:58

I have never posted before but this...
My parents have come to visit us for the week.. I am from a fundamental
christian family.
We have 2 young DCs at 3 and 1.
My parents really don't like the fact that I left the faith, that we didn't get married in church and that we are raising the DCs without a faith.
But they have tolerated it to continue to have a relationship with me, DH and will-be 3 DCs.
DH was at work today so it was the 5 of us, they took the 2 DCs out this morning, came back, we played and chatted and had an all around nice time.
Late afternoon I came into our kitchen to find my parents holding the DD and DS partway though baptising them.

I grabbed DCs, shouted at my parents to get put, caused both DCs to start crying. DH came in a few minutes later finding me crying at the kitchen table hugging DD and DS looking at me puzzled saying 'mammy have you got a baddy?' and my parents upstairs packing complaining about where they are going to go till their train on Monday.
I told them that I never want to speak or see them again and then basically threw them out.

I am fuming. How on God's earth could my parents do something like that?
DH thinks that when I calm down that I should contact them because they are my parents.
But they tried to baptise my children in my kitchen (actually did DS but I am trying to forget that)! I am not over-reacting, am I?

OP posts:
somewherewest · 03/02/2012 11:48

I'm surprised to hear about conservative evangelicals baptising young children, as the vast majority believe that baptism should be reserved for people who have made a concious choice to be Christian. Out of curiousity, whats their church background?

YNBU to be annoyed, but you are being very OTT to cut off all contact over it. They were out of line but its hardly child abuse.

somewherewest · 03/02/2012 12:09

PS If you never see your parents again then you are also making that choice for your children. In years to come they will ask why they never see their grandparents. I'm not convinced they will think this is a good enough reason! And sitting there crying and hugging your children as if you had just rescued them from some unspeakable ordeal does seem quite OTT. To be honest it sounds like you might have underlying issues with your parents and your own upbringing which are leading you to over-react. Apologies if this offends, but I can't imagine getting remotely that het up even in my militant atheist days.

marshmallowpies · 03/02/2012 12:11

I think you're completely right to feel this way but for me as a personal dilemma I'm really torn - my PiL are Catholic and their other GCs have been baptised, whereas my DP is very lapsed Catholic and does not want his children baptised for any reason at all, whereas I'd perhaps feel inclined to allow it if it was going to 'keep the peace'.

Suppose I lean a bit towards BebeBeige's comment "If you don't believe in the ceremony itself, would it hurt to let your children be baptised if it made two loving grandparents rest easy in their beds at night and die happy?" - it hurts me a bit, maybe, to think of my MiL lying awake comparing my children to her other GC and feeling sad that mine aren't baptised...(NB we have no children yet but expecting one!)

However, I know really my DP is right and you are right - you have to stick to your principles and to have it happen in an underhand way which upset the children is horrendous. Luckily in my case as it's his parents that are pro-baptism and he is anti, it's up to him to have it out with them if the time comes. I suppose as the DiL I fear their disapproval or pity more than he does - he's already renounced his faith and been through all that with them.

Longtime · 03/02/2012 12:47

What it comes down to though is that the GPs believe that their desires/fears for their grandchildren are more important that those of the OP and they should not be. If this had happened with something non-religious, there would have been uproar on MN. For some reason we have to tolerate religious discrimination etc more than non-religious. I don't agree that we should.

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2012 13:55

Yes, imagine if the GPs were actually Satanists and insisted on a Black Mass ritual - OP comes home and her DC are covered in goat's blood, or whatever the current vogue is - bet some of you wouldn't be so "you're totally overreacting" about that, would you now!

ComposHat · 03/02/2012 14:44

Next time they come round, build a massive wicker man statue in the front garden, get the neighbours to don some white robes and dance around in a vaguely pagan fashion and utter the lines "Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A little child is even better, but not NEARLY as effective as the right kind of adult."

They will flee in seconds.

somewherewest · 03/02/2012 15:02

Thumbwitch, I wouldn't be terribly OTT about it, because I don't think those rituals have any kind of power. Surely atheists / agnostics think the same about baptism?

Seriously, cutting off contact with your parents and between grandchildren and grandparents is a really big deal. Personally it took me sixteen years to get to the point where I would cut off contact with my selfish, manipulative, unstable mother, so yes I do think the OPer is being a wee bit OTT.

Showmethemhappyfeet · 03/02/2012 15:10

I don't think you are bu, I'm an atheist and would probably be fuming if my parents did that (my family are catholic) Tgat said if it honestly meant that much to my mum that my DCs were baptised I would let her do it/take them to church that one time. Means sod all to me and is never going to make a difference to DCs as they won't know. Only person it's really going to affect is the grandparents anyway...

hackmum · 03/02/2012 17:35

Well, from their point of view (assuming they are of the truly nutty persuasion), if your kids died suddenly, they would spend all eternity in hell. (A bit of guesswork here, as I don't know what denomination they are or anything and loads of Christians don't seem to believe in hell any more). So by baptising them they are saving them from that terrible fate. Doing that would be more important than respecting your beliefs. And they probably thought that if you didn't see them, then no harm done. What the eye doesn't see, etc.

So, assuming this is a real post and not made up, then I would say that the OP's parents are nutters but well-intentioned. Depends whether you can live with that.

bobbledunk · 03/02/2012 17:55

They are crazy enough to believe that they are saving their souls from eternal damnation, they may be fools but their intentions were good. I would've just rolled my eyes and ignored it, it doesn't mean anything.

Your insane, hysterical overreaction frightened your children and if any damage was done it was from you. Whatever your belief's or lack of them, your lack of control in front of the children is disturbing tbh. You made your children cry, there was no need for that, you owe them an apology.

Stop being such a self absorbed, drama queen, it is bad, selfish parenting to get hysterical in front of your children and upset them, there is no excuse for it.

Your a mother, grow up. Your children deserve much better.

IvanaHumpalot · 03/02/2012 18:06

Abirdinthehand

b.a.c. - born again christian

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 03/02/2012 18:09

Born again christians do not believe in infant baptism as a rule and even if they do they do not believe that it will save the child from hell and damnation. Born again christians as rule believe in adult/believer's baptism. So if the OP's parent's are born again christians (if this is for real) no idea what they were doing.

jalopy · 03/02/2012 18:10

Move on. There's so many more things to worry about in life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2012 18:24

OP's parents did not apparently try to persuade OP to allow the children to be baptised to save their souls. No, they WENT BEHIND OP'S BACK to do it. Whatever your religious beliefs/background, that is just plain devious and untrustworthy. If you can't trust your parents over this, can you trust them over anything? And I'm not inclined to have a relationship with people I can't trust. I'd always be on edge with this pair; not letting them read the bedtime story in case it turned into a hellfire and brimstone lecture, etc.

But, never is a long time and any relationship would be entirely down to whether OP's parents are penitent or not. But the relationship is, IMO, irreparably damaged, not by the OP's reaction but by the grandparents slyness.

MerryMarigold · 03/02/2012 19:01

YABU to throw them out.

If it means nothing to you (it would mean nothing to me, despite being a Christian, as that is a choice you make when you grow up) then what is the biggie?

Why did you upset the kids for the sake of that? I don't understand.

It's just something very random to make your parents feel better. OK, so they sound completely barmy, but it has no impact on anything as far as I am concerned. It's not like they turned them into vampires or something!

patsdeadfrank · 03/02/2012 19:21

as someone who was baptised as a child and then again as a teenager i can say that your parents are pretty selfish they obviously felt the need to go against your wishes and baptise your children. on the plus side baptising children is pretty ridiculous as they have no idea what they are being baptised in too, dont agree with or necessarily believe in anything they are being baptised in too and to them they just got a bit wet assuming it wasnt a full on submersion.
i dont think ywbu to ask them to leave it was under hand, sneaky, deceptive and disloyal and disrespectful.

timetoask · 03/02/2012 19:30

What an overreaction! I think your reaction was completely over the top, specially in front of your children.
Gosh, anyone would think that your parents hit the children with the sharp side of the belt of something. Calm down.

rhondajean · 03/02/2012 19:37

I think to people who didn't grow up with fundamentalist, controlling, horrendous parents, it probably is an over reaction.

To those of us how had horrific screwed up childhoods because of it, it's definitely not.

You cannot begin to understand what is is like and what it does to you until you have been there.

ragged · 03/02/2012 20:02

But does this act mean that they are going to try to take over the Grand-DC lives?

I would chalk it up as nutty behaviour, but probably nothing more.

Quodlibet · 03/02/2012 20:16

Surely this is as much about the dishonesty involved as the religious ceremony itself? The OP's parents tried to do something incredibly conniving behind her back because presumably they knew she would not accept the indoctrination. In doing so they deliberately robbed her of autonomous decision-making over what for all of them is a matter of very significant importance. The religious issue aside, I'm not surprised the OP is furious at her parents and sees it as a massive crossing of the line. I would imagine any attempt to repair this relationship would have to be contingent on them being extremely remorseful about such a big breach of trust.

confusedpixie · 03/02/2012 20:56

I swear this exact thing has been posted about before?! I'm getting a real sense of dejavu.

YANBU either way, they've broken your trust in going behind your back, very sneaky of them.

brandrethmupp · 03/02/2012 22:44

I'd be angry too and agree with Quodlibet about how conniving this is. I wouldn't be so fussed about the baptism itself though, you don't believe in God so for you and the children, it has as much significance as giving them a wash. You can tell they won't be remorseful - partic. as their reaction was to bleat about trains.

rhondajean · 03/02/2012 22:48

Well according to my mother, and in front of her last week, my perfectly healthy normal well balanced 12 year old is not balanced and I am letting her down because she doesn't believe in god and I won't make her go to church and teach her a load of crap, which she said means I am not being a good parent. And it was said a lot worse than that.

OP still has this to come as her children get older. So ragged, I'd say this is a lot more,than. Utty behaviour.

You can't begin to understand what they are like.

Eglu · 03/02/2012 22:49

YANBU. It doesn't matter whether you believe it to mean nothing. They went behind your back and undermined you. I would not speak to them unless they apologised profusely.

lindy100 · 04/02/2012 03:55

I have taken it from OP's posts that she decided to leave the faith because, not in spite of, her upbringing. Which would make many people's statements that she is 'massively oberreacting' and that if she is a non-believer it is only water etc etc redundant. No religious upbringing here, but it is fairly obvious to me that an upbringing like that will have hangovers into life 'afterwards' and OP has said it was not all good. So why would she not find it difficult and raise her to anger, not even mentioning the general deceptive nature and breach of trust the parents have committed?

This reminds me of a friend brought up as a JW who felt unable to let many aspects of it go, which caused her lots of stress and pain in adult life, post-JW.