The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

wow op.

you are 'spectacularly missing the point' of the relationship section, which is to give support to the person who asked for it. Mostly women on a female dominated site but plenty men get help and support too. Obviously there is only one side to go on, people can only give advice based on the information they are given.

Irony

I think everyone brings their own experiences to the relationships board. I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I think it's often obvious when someone is. That said, sometimes I do sit there looking puzzled when I read a fairly neutral OP which to me seems to be dealing with quite minor niggles, and lots of replies imply deeper issues. Sadly, those replies are usually right. The OP generally starts off moaning about unfair division of housework, and throughout the thread new information emerges. All too often there will be an incidence of violence. I think it's true that most posters in relationships are deeply troubled, and have good reason to be reaching out for help. I'm happily married, so feel no desire to start a thread there iyswim.

When i read the title i thought you mean 'it makes my blood boil to read what some women go through or how much living with an abusive man can brainwash you so that you still defend him'.

At least that's what i see and feel on that section.

But i have seen some threads on AIBU that are a bit like what you are saying, not that extreme.

aaarghhh

I sometimes post in relationships when I see a pattern that I recgognise from my own experiences and a pattern of behaviour that will only escalate.

That is when I say 'leave him'. A shout that turns into a shove that turns into a punch and that turns into a full on assault.

If I can persuade one woman to get out of an abusive relationship before she is nursing a broken nose, broken ribs, split lip etc whilst holding terrified children then I feel my time on the relationship thread has been worthwhile.

As Mumsnet says 'we are not trained professionals' but we are not stupid and I can see the signs that sometimes the OP can't.

Excuse typos. I am a tad angry.

Perhaps what OP really needs to do then, is simply name the individuals she has a beef with

then there can be no more mis-understanding

and OP's last post tells us who seems to be the "angry" one here

OP, have you been in receipt of some advice from MN that you didn't agree with ?

take it up with the one or those who dished it, instead of this very silly generalising thread

I've certainly seen threads where people takes scant info and run with it, weaving their own story until the "bad guy" gets worse and worse and then people start commenting on the additions to the story as if they were from the op, that can be annoying.

I also wonder why people generally take posts from women as if they were the gospel truth, and only seem interested in finding out all about "the other side of the story" when a guy comes on to post.

I guess it is a mixture of projecting, and people generally finding it harder to empathise with members of the opposite sex.

@AnyFucker

Perhaps what OP really needs to do then, is simply name the individuals she has a beef with

Well we certainly don't want any personal attacks, thank you v much.
Thanks for the suggestion for the webchat, I'll put it to the powersthatbe.

YABU.

How lovely that you don't need the support of the lovely people in Relationships or at least you're not aware that you do.

It took me a long time to realise I was in an abusive relationship as I assumed, like you probably do, that as I wasn't being punched or raped, I had nothing to moan about. I had lovely support from people who were able to listen to the long lists of 'I don't know why, but this doesn't feel right to me' thoughts I had, and reassure me that I was not in fact, losing the plot.

But, please, if you find a topic a bit too close to the bone for you, then just stick with Telly Addicts or whatever it is that floats your boat. But don't slag others off, just because they are a little more empathetic or better able to read between the lines than you are.

Maybe you're right, OP, maybe not.
But like Pictish says, when it chimes with my personal experience, which includes shitloads of denial, fucking right I'll pile in and say my piece. I'd rather be called hysterical and man-hating any day than sit back and shrug and ignore.

Well I can say in all sincerity that talking to the utterly wonderful women in the relationship section saved my life a month ago, when things could not have been more grim. Things are still sad but I still carry around the advice and words given to me by some of those women. If someone says something silly or inappropriate in a thread, there are plenty of people to challenge and set things right. It is a fact that a lot of us go there when we are really under pressure.......it has helped me and that is all I can say.

But I have also never read a post like the example.

If you're sprinkling love dust Olivia can you try to locate Dermot O'Leary and chuck a lot of it over him while he stares at yours truly.

Much appreciated x

Well my direct experience of the Relationships sections is that what people do most of the time is just ask questions and give their opinions on the answers. Most people are pretty perceptive - not right all the time, but that can't be expected as they are seeing everything through the filter of someone else's view. Many of them are extraordinarily patient.

I don't think anyone is going to do something just because some people on the internet told them to. If they think the advice is bullshit they'll just ignore it/stop responding. And as has been said, people have already decided they think something has wrong before they post.

I agree with the OP to be honest, there are quite a lot of threads like the one the OP pointed out. There are too many people who seem to think they are psychologists and relationship councillors. The posts often end up being a bun fight between two posters and the original poster leaves the thread.

Just need to add....that Relationships on MN has definitely saved my life.

Saved my life.

Make light of that, why don't you?

The extraordinary people on that board did not make light, and I am not only still here, but thriving. and so are my children.

I am THRILLED that you don't know what you are talking about OP...really, thrilled genuinely, that you have never gone through the stuff that a lot of people DO go through.

Lucky you eh?

The bun fight between two posters usually is between one who has experienced domestic abuse and one who hasnt, IME.
The poster usually leaves the thread because they are not ready to hear the reality of their situation and all the posters saying "How can you just sit and let this happen to your DC?" end up chasing them away.

Been there.

All we can hope to do is support people into making their own, informed decision. Which usually takes a long, long time.

@ballstoit

If you're sprinkling love dust Olivia can you try to locate Dermot O'Leary and chuck a lot of it over him while he stares at yours truly.

Much appreciated x

I do love that Dermot.
Good point

I would prefer a direct complaint about a specific issue that OP obviously has, rather than this passive-aggressive bollocks

Wrong Coffee...just because the OP doesn't come back, doesn't mean that nothing happened in real life to make something better...and even save someone's life.

Happens all the time.

Dermot is very short.

The OP is entitled to voice an opinion about a section of Mumsnet. Does not mean she is belittling anyone's experience. It's just her opinion for goodness sake, agree with it or not, that's what people do on discussion forums no?

OP your post at 20:55:17 is really so very very true. Spot on. Of course you'll get berated for it but I for one salute you for making it. It's an important point worthy of consideration.

What sometimes irritates me about the relationship section, is all those women who hate men so much, that when someone describes a clearly abusive man, they come on and claim that his behaviour is normal and everyone pointing out that his behaviour is not actually normal, because normal men don't behave like that, are manhaters.

I suspect that lots of women on MN are in abusive relationships and are desperate to normalise them. So when they see one being described and recognise it as being like their's, they pile in to insist that it's normal and that the man is just a bit upset or something.

I feel sorry for them. They must live with really vile men and they have no idea just how lovely so many men are. They think abusive ones are the standard and so when other women say that actually the standard to aim for is much higher than that, their only explanation is that those women must be man-haters. It's not very rational, but there you go, that's the internet sometimes.

I suspect that lots of women on MN are in abusive relationships and are desperate to normalise them. So when they see one being described and recognise it as being like their's, they pile in to insist that it's normal and that the man is just a bit upset or something

I did that on here. That was me.
I could've been the OP not so long ago!

So SO glad I worked it out.

YANBU.