The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

Relationships: have you had one?

Several acutally. Pre broadband, so I got advice from people who actually knew what was going on in my relationships.

So much vitriol....not getting why actually, all because you have a different view? It's sad really.

I have to agree, but it's often in AIBU that these things crop up. I often wonder what the AIBU from the other side would sound like and also, how many men actually live up to the Mumsnet Ideal of being always attentive, friendly, patient, sharing exactly 50% in everything, and never having an off day.

And I agree that some people shout abuse/toxic relationship a bit too fast without asking the right questions first. But that's the nature of the internet, people will respond from their own personal experiences, they're not psychologists.

*aaaaaaaaargh' - I think we have plenty to go on with your OP actually. If it looks like a woman hating prat and talks like a woman hating prat then it most probably IS a woman hating prat.

You are absolutely proving my point 100%. You haven't worked out my point yet though have you?

but you either put up examples or you shut up - what you describe doesn't bear any resemblance to anything I've ever read there (although in fairness haven't read many, this is where links to a few examples would come in handy)

otherwise you run risk of sounding like a mildly disturbed shit stirrer

hi there, from a male point of view i think you were a bit hard on him,he came home from a days work to find you upset and in a mood, he tried to help by tidying up and helping you out, you then shouted at this bewildered guy to cook his own "F-ing dinner " and now you're wondering what's wrong, perhaps if you told him that you were having a bad day, were feeling low and bit down about yourself, he might have been even more supportive, you could both have talked it out and resolved things with an eventual smile. Unfotunately men are not very instinctive beings ( I say this as a 51 year old bloke ) but if we're told things in a CLEAR way ( we don't do nuance, we don't do " a raised eyebrow " means I think you should know this ) we like to help, but I say again, it has to be said in a clear, no mistaking , understandable way. Men and women say things in completely different ways, learn from it and move on.

If that OP had appeared the reponses would more likely have been:

1. Grow up
2. You are both as bad as each other tbh
3. We need to know more. Probably interspersed with a and

Blu, what you've said is really interesting, has there been a MN Q&A with womens' organisations with evidence and advice on what people who're concerned about someone can do to help?

OP posters project across all of the boards ,perhaps for your own sanity's sake, limit your time on the relationship boards.

Dozer - I think that is a really good idea!

MNHQ - a live webchat from a Women's Aid rep??

that's a great idea

aaaaaaaaargh could then perhaps sleep more soundly at night instead of tossing and turning in turmoil, worrying herself sick about how best to help all the women stuck in abusive relationships

Some excellent advice here on how to support someone in an abusive relationship.

I dont read the Relationship section as I find it too distressing.

However, I do sometimes see threads in Chat etc where I think the OP (a woman) should do more if she is at home with school age children out all day and her (male) partner comes on home to find the house a tip.

Lets face it. There are plenty of threads where people admit their house is a tip through sheer laziness/disorganisation and they know they need to get their backsides in order. It is very depressing to come home day after day to a filthy tip of a house.

Sometimes the topics there are sad

But mostly the replies are quite hilarious! Lol

Some posters here seem to be displaying a disproportional anger towards the OP for making her point.

I happen to think that the OP is generalising a bit too much, but it is certainly true than on the relationships board, along with the sound advice there are a lot of poster who tend to leap in with the EA line, and who get very shirty with anyone who dares to question their assessment.

The op is entitled to make her point, and is even entitled to exagerrate to make her point. Why cant people just agree or disagree, instead of getting personal?

I think the problem is people think that the Relationships board is a true reflection of real life, and it isn't.

But some people seem to think it is, horrid men and wonderful women. An example being this OP, posters don't like it, so it must be a man.

It's a reflection of the people who post on MN. So women really. And women who have affairs or are the other woman don't usually post as they get hammered.

There, some Mansplaining for you.

Ok. Do you want to know what my actual point is, as you're all so spectacularly missing it (actually not all, but most). I'll make it a bit clearer.

It's the rampant misandry. I fucking hate it, it makes me cringe. You cannot support someone simply because they have a vagina (which was what I was saying with my OP). If there was a male equivalent of this site everyone would be up in arms. Men are called abusive and controlling for the most inane reasons. Assumptions are made with the flimsiest of detail, but as long as the woman is being 'supported', that's OK.

I am female. I don't give a toss if you don't believe me. I absolutely expect you not to believe me. The fact that people have said I'm a man simply proves my point because only men say bad, unsupportive things don't they?

I am reading this thread with lots of interest.

I am possibly one of those to be found citing abuse or controlling behaviour.

I have this to say about it:

I spent years in an emotionally abusive relationship without understanding the depth of what I was experiencing. I had normalised the bad behaviour for a very long time.
When I started getting an inkling that things really weren't right, I started reading up, so I could be absolutely clear in my mind as to what exactly was going on.
I read and I read and I read.... anything I could find on the subject, including the infamous Lundy Bancroft book so revered on MN.
Then I had Women's Aid support me in my evaluation of the situation. They confirmed that I was indeed embroiled in what I had come to believe was an abusive relationship.

When posters get to the point of posting about their relationship misgivings, you can be pretty certain that at least some of them are already deeply unhappy with how their relationship is panning out.
They often mention abusive behaviourisms from their partners that coincide with what I went through myself (so personal experience) - or that I have read about in literature detailing abusive behaviour.

I recognise it and say as much.

Am I wrong to do that?

gosh

would never have guessed you were anti-misandry

never

Pictish, the biscuit is obviously not for you!

It's kind of like every bit of male behaviour needs to be categorised into a neat little box with a label...

No not at all Pictish, as you are probably responding totally correctly to posters who are in those abusive relationships. You probably have the experience and wisdom to know the difference between a minor row between a couple and an obvious deeper problem, you are probably very balanced in your view, as you have lived in the bad relationship and now know how things shouldnt be.

I dont think the OP is talking about posters like you at all, but ones who leap in with seemingly very little wisdom or insight, and a full blown conviction that they are totally right.

I've never read a post in that section that went anything like you describe. I HAVE seen people give wildly inappropriate responses to posts in that section, but then I've seen wildly inappropriate responses on every section of mumsnet. Are you just trying to wind everyone up?