The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

MitchieInge

Which is why I have chosen not to give direct advice, I have no idea whether she's just having a bad day or whether her DH is battering her daily, unless she says so. I don't think it's helpful to read between the lines, certainly not helpful to then leap, and those are giant leaps sometimes, to assumptions for which there is no evidence. So, a very few times I have asked how the poster came to their conclusion. I'm not assuming the OP was just having a bad day, I'm not assuming ANYTHING.

aaaaargh I think the word you are searching for is exageration (as ever)

Yes. Set myself up for that didn't I

well I think it is ok for you to just say what you think, the person who started the thread will know whether her husband beats her or not! Denial and minimization are probably common though.

Evidence is an interesting word. I think in these sorts of cases it's very like the UK constitution - some of it will be written there for all to see, much of it will never make its way into any sort of written or verbal expression. It's just collectively known and drawn from history and experience.

Then they should have no problem answering exactly how they came to that assumption then. If they can't, as seems to be the case, well I can only assume it's an assertion they have pulled out of their arse.

notfluffy and aargh what would resolve the problem for you?

You dislike that some posters call 'abuse' too quickly
You think there is misandry.

You think some posters are over bearing/bitchy/scare people off

Do you want specific posters to modify what there think/advise/post?
What would be their benchmark? Something you deem acceptable?
Maybe posters can only call 'abuse' a given number of times within a given time period?
Who decides if a post is misandry?
You have no ambition to police the boards yourselves and there is a facility to report posts/posters to MNHQ

Its an open forum
You are as offensive as you are offended,because different people hold differentvalues/ethics/morals

What do you want to be different about Relationships/MN and more importantly, how?

#What do you want to be different about Relationships/MN and more importantly, how?

Will have a think and answer tomorrow.

So there's your solution, fluffy. Challenge posters on the thread, feel satisfied or not and assume what you will about the poster in question. It hardly amounts to an overwhelming problem with the relationships board once it's stripped down.

Yes, me too, I'm in my bed, up early tomorrow.

Look though what has happened tonight. Civilised, adult discussion. no one getting arsey, taking the piss, taking things personally. That's hhe way it should be.

are you saying our constitution is shit just because some of it isn't written down?

I don't quite get why, just because you feel unqualified to help an OP, you think it is your place to point out where other responses are wrong. You have lost sight of the point, which is to address whatever is in the opening post and subsequent posts by whoever started the thread. Anything else is secondary to that, you can always ask the OP for clarification or further details if you are struggling to form a picture in your mind of what is behind the words on the screen and how best to support her.

Fucking iPhone!!!!!

I dont think it's my place, I don't think it's not my place either.

And how many threads purely address the OP? Discussions develop, it's the way of threads. This thread has taken lots of turns, I'm nit the OP but I'm getting lots of posts directed at me.

'not the OP' ;-)

this isn't a support board, this is AIBU - a free for all

So it's never ok to not directly address the OP in a support thread? Bearing in mind I'm just asking a simple question.

That's a bit absolute, very black and white thinking. All I'm saying is, if your concerns are more with what other people are advising than how best you can support or help someone in need then your priorities, on somewhere like the relationship boards, are a bit questionable. Or run the risk of being seen as such.

Across MN as a whole are you able to connect with people in a more meaningful way, is it just that area that's tricky?

I agree with blu.

I already said I I've enjoyed discussions on other threads and found some really lovely people. I also said that my questioning of someone's post like I described was my contribution for the OP. I happen to think it's quite important that her situation isn't made worse by the alarmists. That is why this thread is quite important, unfortunately the culprits will either ignore it or be defensive, they actually believe they are the oracles of other people's relationshis.

But, unless you actually believe that a posters motive can be assumed or known, then it is a black and white question.